World's King

So, here I am bitching about my mother again. But this time it’s a serious problem.


I don’t do drugs and haven’t done drugs in almost 7 years. I am very out spoken about how much I do not like drugs or people the let drugs rule their lives. Well, my mother smokes weed. And I know most of you would not agree that weed is a drug and I was right there with you for many years. I’ve flipped. I always saw weed as a social thing that didn’t have any long term affect on anyone. And most will say that it doesn’t. But most of you don’t have 47yr old Mothers that have been repeatedly ignoring you for the sake of getting high. In the past two days I’ve been forgotten about and pissed on by my mother, sister, and my sister’s boyfriend. All of which smoke weed together. Well, because I don’t and I refuse to hang out with them while they are high… I get left out of everything. Last night my sister, mom, and I had reservations for dinner. My mom was supposed to come home after work to pick me up then we were gonna get my sister on the way to the restaurant. Well, my mother called me a hour after she was supposed to be home saying that she just went to my sister’s house and that I should just meet them there. Well, fine… change the plans without my say… whatever. Well, I show up to the house and there is the overwhelming smell of pot. Both are giggling and being stupid. I got really angry but kept it to myself because I didn’t want to ruin the evening. So, we get in the car and I drive… they were too high. My sister and mother are both yelling at me saying that I’m going the wrong direction when I knew exactly where I was going. I wanted to stop the car and walk back to the house. If there is one thing I can not stand its people that are high. You lose all sense of direction, mental and physical direction. It tool us forty minutes to order because they kept changing their minds about what they wanted. It was really embarrassing. So today, again plans got changed and I get stuck at home while my family is at a dinner party that I was invited to as well. But again my mom stopped by my sister’s house… got high and forgot that I had no way to get there.

So, my question is this… Do I sit my mother down and tell her how embarrassed I am that my mother is a drug addict? It’s really disturbing to think that I’m the smartest one in my family. I quit doin’ drugs and got my mind straight. Is there a right way to bring it up to her? What should I say… this is gonna ruin my relationship with her if It’s not fixed soon.

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StormBerlin

How old are you? I commend you for having more brains than your mom, but alas, she is an adult and being an adult is able to make her own decisions. Just let her know (only one time) that this will ruin her relationship with you. But keep in mind that she will not get it and grow up until she's ready to. You're a stronger person that I am Good luck.

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World's King

I'm 22. Yeah, that's a little old to be living at home. But it's a long story.

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Jim Kata

1st that isn't too old to be living with your mother
2nd...you need to start smoking pot again and you will be the one pissing off someone else instead of being pissed off.
3rd...in all seriousness..talking to your mom would be a total buzz kill for her.
okay okay in all seriousness....your mom wont' change shit in my opinion...she just can't handle her pot. you can tell her she is a drug addict all you want but she most likely wont change even if she says she will. She probably will try her best for a little but then get back to "normal". sorry. it may be the weed, or it just may be her. just learn how to roll with the punches i guess. this really isn't good advice since im sort of stoned and drunk right now (way more drunk than stoned).
I don't know man...talk to her, but don't call her a "drug addict" or anything. that won't help matters at all even if it is a reality check for her.
try talking to her about how you feel but leave all the pot out of it, it probably will be more effective than not...i.e. "why were you two getting on my case when i knew exactly where i was going." instead of "you too were so buddahfied that you were annoying about the route i was taking" make any sense?? i hope so.
sorry if i just wasted your time.

powerclown

Tough situation.

Some ideas...

1. Try and get her help. She's obviously getting high selfishly, in spite of how you feel about it. Can you identify a way in which you can either bring help to her or get her to help? Call rehab, or drag her into the car if you have to. Or trick her, and take her there yourself.

2. Substitute something for the pot. Does she like to read? Buy her a book, but she has to stop smoking for a day, 2 days, then a week, etc...if she wants to keep on getting books (or whatever else) from you. Does she like to eat? Promise to buy or cook her something, only if she wont light up. Take her to the movies under the same circumstances? Play cards with her? Go for walks? Think: things that are worthwhile to her.

3. There could be more, and no doubt others will mention more. But the last Ill say for now is there comes a point where you have to look out for yourself. You might do better focusing your attention away from her, at least for now, and towards what YOU want to do in life.

My parents didnt drink, smoke, gamble, anything. They bored me to death, instead. But its the same deal, I looked elsewhere to keep me from going crazy. That 'growing up' thing we all do..

Good luck..

Jim Kata

"Try and get her help. She's obviously getting high selfishly, in spite of how you feel about it. Can you identify a way in which you can either bring help to her or get her to help? Call rehab, or drag her into the car if you have to. Or trick her, and take her there yourself."

We are talking about pot here friend .... not cocaine. Its not like she would suck dick for some herbs. Its mind over matter when it comes to weed.

LewisCouch

Tough situation having a loved one that is on the wrong path. Tell her how much you love her and how much concern you have for her well being. Always be there for her and try not to become embarrassed by her behaviour.

I too kicked drugs like yourself and raised my young son, who came to live with me when he was twelve, because his mother was a heroin addict. He's grown now, age 21, and he sees his mother on a regular basis. By the way, she kicked the habit, however, sadly, her liver is damaged.

Stay strong and speak your heart.

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powerclown

Ask Original King if he gives a shit what it is...coke, pot, meth, crack...its interferring with his relationship with his mom.

fulkramick

edit

taylorspl

I'm 22 my mom is the same way but crazy and I don't talk to her anymore.

Jim Kata

I agree with the latter part of that, but I'm saying driving her to rehab won't do anything if she is smoking pot (at least from the old timers I know that smoke pot).
That is why, if you read, I said talk to her about everything but not bring up the pot. It most likely will be more effective. If you bring up the pot and she is an addict (if there is such a thing as a marijuana addict (very possible there is)), she will automatically get defensive about it and be more likely to close her mind to any sort of suggestion.
That is probably how she will feel. But what fulkramic said is on the dime...very very good points.
Good Luck.

powerclown

^^^
Well said, Jim Kata, sometimes I leap before I look...I think we're on the same page..

Lebell

Hmm, I don't have a solution, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry that you're in this situation

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merkerguitars

Well King your sorta in a situation that I am in. But it involves my dad. My dad smokes pot and alot (and I think he deals it) people that smoke pot don't bother me that bad unless they do it all the freaking time and believe it's the most important thing to do. My dad doesn't know that I know. (but it's kinda obvious when you find enough to fill up a half gallon milk container in an old military ammo case and zig zags or a roach laying around) This used to really piss me off in high school, people would accuse me all the time of being a pothead and asking me if I had weed to sell . Sometimes before me and my family leave to go on a trip he has to run up to the shop to check on stuff and that bugs me. Or when I come to visit him in his shop and he tells me to go to the house cause he needs time to himself (when I visit him about once a day cause I live away from now) which really bugs the piss outta me. I've pretty much grown to ignore it. In your situation though I would have a serious discussion with her...if she would do less of it, that would be a great start, it sounds like your mom will smoke whenever she isnt' sleeping....might be even better of a thing cause it would cost her less money to support the habit if she did it less. I'll admit it would make me mad as hell if she was doing it nonstop to the point she can't allocate time to remember to do shit like pick you up. And then hopefully she will quit doing it. Within time...sorry to say but your probably not going to be able to get instant results

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World's King

All I have to say is that you all kick ass.

Thank you so much for the words... I'm plan on sitting her down in the morning and talking to her about it all. Thanks for the advice... it was a shit load of help.


Wish me luck...

"King"

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sexymama

Luck!

One of my sons had to go through drug rehab for pot and my ex is an alcholoic. I think pot is addicting to some people, just like alcohol is for others. What I had to remember in the process is that the drug is not about me -- it is about them. I am responsible for me -- for my happiness -- for my thoughts and feelings. I control my choices, no one else does. If they were high or drunk, I chose not to be around them. I would take my daughters out for pizza and a movie, go to the library, go visit friends -- whatever, just to remove myself from them. At one point I didn't allow the son to live with us because he was out of control. Dad and he got an apartment down the road. I know it may be tight financially, but you can move out. Share a place with friends -- do what you can and need to do to take care of you!

I think you deserve a big "pat on the back" for making choices that are best for you and your future. It is very challenging to not give in and "party" with the rest of them when you feel left out. My middle son will leave his friend's homes immediately if/when they start to get high because he chooses not to do drugs. I admire anyone who can do what is best for them and not give into the preassure.

There is lots of good advice in this thread: using I statements is probably the best. I would also highly recommend counseling for yourself. A good counselor will listen and help give you resources to cope, because the bottom line is you can't "change" anyone else -- you can only take care of yourself.

You are in my thoughts!

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SiN

King,

I don't have any advise to offer beyond the excellent advise already mentioned...

..but i just wanted to tell you that you're in my thoughts and i wish you the best of luck.

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timalkin

Find out who her dealers are and call the police to bust 'em up.

I fucking hate druggies.

Stare At The Sun

Exactly. Good luck man. You have lots of support on this side of the table.

:::OshnSoul:::

I smoke it and I have children. It's a matter of how you use it. There is a responsible way of doing it, then there is the addict who can't live without it. I can go without it. And I only smoke it when the kids are sound asleep or gone. I don't want to be high around them. They give me a natural high, in fact!
But it's relaxing and enjoyable, but I don't live on the stuff and abuse it. There's a big difference.

Only for some people. I don't smoke much at a time unless we are with friends and have no plans of going anywhere, and even when I have been pretty high, I can snap sober in an instant. Either that's just my personal mentality or a mom-thing. but I can control myself and won't ever drive when I am stoned.
See, it is 100% mental of the addiction you make it out to be and how you use it. You can let it take control of you, but I choose not to.
From a sober & responsible point of view, I would definately tell her how you feel, in a respectful matter. Try not to jump her case or chew her out- that's less of a chance that she'll listen. Instead, talk calmly about how it's affecting you and that you care about her and want her to control herself with this drug at least. But that is just my suggestion.

tecoyah

Mom has a problem. Put the situation in perspective, Do you want to help your mom or blow her off? Helping her will require effort and pain, while blowing her off requires ten seconds of talk and thirty years of guilt.
Not an easy descision, but a good chance for you both to become better people, and possibly a closer family. Or bitter enemies, and a non-existant family.

Life is full of choices, none of them wrong.

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:::OshnSoul:::

Yup.

QuasiMojo

Wrong-
Life is indeed full of choices...and MANY will be wrong. when you reach a certain age the "right/wrong ratio should begin to lean towards the "right" category.
(i don't know what that -certain- age is)

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tecoyah

Perhaps clarification is in order-

Life is full of choices, none of them wrong.

Maybe I have reached the age where I understand my "mis-takes" are chances to learn and grow. It is all relative in the long run. Every action and re- action we create is an opportunity. I no longer look at pain as an enemy per say, but as an aspect of needed experience to become more.
Still maybe I am "wrong". That wouldnt change my advice in this thread.

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Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

ratbastid

Good luck, King.

The bottom line is, you can't change her. We never can really change anybody. But we can help them see their way to wanting to change.

~springrain

I agree with many here in that you need to just sit down and tell her straight up how you feel. I saw your post saying you were planning to do so... i hope you're feeling okay about it all.

Ratbastid is right in his gentle reminder of the fact that you can express your feelings, but to go into the talk with an expectation of her quitting might set you up for big disappointment. I've struggled with this sort of thing within my family for years... it's hard when you love someone but hate the things that they do.

Hang in there WK... let us know when you need moral support (((hug)))

Ustwo

Good luck.

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MSD

If she can't smoke and live a normal life, she needs to stop smoking. If she won't change anything, threaten to call the police, and that you don't care if she fucks up her life, but you don't want her to fuck up yours.

Whether you pick up the phone and call is up to you.

arch13

I agree completely. I choose to not offer my opinion on the use of drugs, however if she cannot function as a mother and in a responsible manner, then the debate on if drugs affect such a thing are mute. What matters is that she cannot continue such actions as they are preventing her from being responsible or involved. Her actions are disrespectful to both King and other family members.
From someone who has lived through the drug business and lived to see the other side and understand how badly drugs can affect things, you have my deeepest condolences King.

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clifclav

Man that is a shitty situation to have to be in at 22. I wish you the best of luck.
The only advice I would offer is to make sure that you leave all lines of communication open. Avoid ultimatums that either must be acted upon or ignored. As long as you keep talking you will eventually be able to work it out and still have a relationship with your mother.

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raeanna74

Just wanted to let you know that my thoughts are with you. I hope things work out right for you and your family.

Whatever happens just remember that you are the one who can best look out for yourself. If she ends up not showing up, find something else to do, use public transportation if necessary or find something else to do at home. Don't cater to her or make things any easier on her. Let her know when she screws up that it bothers you just don't lecture her. Just simply say "I don't appreciate, thus and thus that you did." and move on. She may eventually get the idea or may not. But at least you aren't focused on what she's doing. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. You are the one to decide how you feel about things. Don't let her control your feelings by "neglecting" you or get you down in some way.

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World's King

I talked to her about it.

It took some guts but I got it all out. She just looked at me and smiled. She said she had no idea that I felt so strongly about drugs and that she would cut down with the intent to quit. But then she got on my case about my drinking and smoking. And that I didn't have the right to judge her for smoking weed when I drank all the time. Which in a sense is true. But I know that from dealing with my father that's an alcoholic that someone with an addiction will try to down play it by comparing it to someone elses. Which shuts most people up. But not me.

I told her that my drinking habit was not affecting the family. I wasn't the one that would forget to do something because I was drunk. I don't go to family functions drunk and I don't justify my drinking by saying that It's a spiritual thing that settles me down.

All in all it did not go very well. she started out open minded about it all then jumped to the defensive when she realized she really did have a problem. That the way it works dealing with people with addictions.

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~springrain

just keep talking WK... family is crazy thing... they're in your life by default... regardless of whether or not you even like each other...

i'm glad you got the chance to sit down and talk... just be real with each other... in the end... that's all you've really got with family... that realness to be there together regardless of what path life might take you on...

(soft hug)

sixate

I tried to stay out of this one......

IMHO, I think you need to take care of you own addictions first. But I think you're on the right track. Do you really think that your addictions don't affect the people around you? Your mom's addictions affect you and everyone in her life so how can you possibly think that yours don't affect people in the same way?

People with addictions never realize how much it affects the people around them. I work with a bunch of guys who all drink and do drugs and they actually think it doesn't affect their wives and children. It's absolutely irresponsible and 100% selfish. Then they can't seem to figure out why they get divorced and their kids all end up being alcoholics and drug addicts..... See a pattern here?

World's King

sixate:

I understand where you are coming from on this but I have to disagree with you to an extent. I know my addictions affect people. It affects my wallet... my driving and endangers others lives as well as my own. But the fact of the matter is this... this is how I see it...

My mother is just that... A mother. I am a 22yr old that has the next few years to fuck around until I settle myself and start living a better life without the need for alcohol. My mom on the other hand never settled down and it's taken a tole on her life. She is extemely unhealthy because of it and is loosing touch with reality. I figure when you don't realize you have an addiction... it's time for someone to realize it for you. She won't stop unless she is told to stop. I plan on stopping before I get to that point... way before I get to that point. And I do understand that I sound like I'm trying to down-play my addiction by comparing it to hers... but I'm not. I have an addiction... not any different then hers. But see, during our conversation was the first time she has said she had a problem with my drinking and smoking. So... it's now gonna be an ongoing dialog between us. At least it's out in the open.

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Ustwo

I'm sorry but something isn't working here. First off having a friends mother killed by a drunk driver at 8am in the morning, I'm rather horrified you just write off DUI like its just no big deal because you are 22. The guy who killed my friends mother was 23.

Secondly you expect her to quit her addiction because its causes more problems then yours, but intend to keep your own. That’s doomed to fail. If you are really worried about your mother then be willing to meet her half way on it and fight your addiction at the same time. Sure she is attacking your problems defensively, but that doesn't mean you should ignore yours.

Tell her she is right, offer to quit drinking and see if she will quit toking up. This will let her save face (you are telling her she is right about something) and show you are serious

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~springrain

two very true and very insightful points... *soft smile*... Fuckin' aye WK... i think that's a really good start...

jay-g

You can drink and get a buzz to chill and unwind. Also, smoke some weed for the same reason. When everything revolves around the drink or smoke, is when it gets alittle out of control. I used to smoke weed 24/7. Eventually, what i thought was harmless, took its toll on me. I was out of touch of who i was and my priorities. Not soon enough, i quit smoking weed and could see how dumb and stupid it all was. Your mom probably isnt gonna listen to you, but maybe one day she'll get sick of it or realize how its effecting her (you, family, daily things). Maybe if you keep on bugging her, it would make her quit sooner. Then again, you should make a deal with her. You quit drinking and she quits the weeeeeed man. Good luck between you two...

sixate

I understand what you're saying.... But your mom was once in your shoes... She most likely thought that she would just grow out of it in a few years. What makes you think you'll give it up in a few years? The longer you wait the harder it will become. Then in another 20 years... You have become your mom.

Personally, I'd like to see you drop your habit altogether. You have a lot to offer, but your addiction only gets in your way.

I have very strong opinions on stuff like this. I could easily tell you why, but this thread isn't about where my opinions came from.

Troublebot

WK, keep the focus away from the pot and she should keep the focus away from your smoking and drinking. After all, the problem isn't with what she's doing, but with the effect it's having on you.

I don't know that you can change her, but, if I were you, I'd be constantly telling her how her actions are effecting me.

You're doing a great job so far man, just keep up the good work.

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