skier

I've been friends with this kid since i was born, and we are currently roommates going to the same university. He's the best guy in the world, except when conversation brings up some of my ethnic friends, or an activity that is stereotypically representative of another culture (eg. Anime, Bollywood, Rap music). He makes cracks my friends based on their culture and disses these kinds of activites in a way that is really crass and ignorant.

My question is, how do i break this to him gently? Should i do it at all, or just tell him not to make fun of some of my friends when he does it? I'm at a loss here, in every other way he's a great guy, it's just he is really racially prejudiced and i'm not even sure where it came from. Anyone have any suggestions?

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timalkin

Do you know what a "bigot" is? Here is a definition:

One who is strongly partial to one's own group, religion, race, or politics and is intolerant of those who differ.

Is this guy simply joking around, or does he seriously think that his race is better than another one? I'm sure most people are "bigots" in some way. I'm tired of that word being misused.

SecretMethod70

If you've been friends with him for a long time and he's such a great guy in every other way, then I imagine you can probably just have a simple discussion about it. Something along the lines of "hey, maybe you don't mean it seriously, but it really bothers me when you crack jokes about some of my other friends." See where it goes from there. The key is just to remain calm and keep it in the realm of discussion and not argument.

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Le temps détruit tout

"Musicians are the carriers and communicators of spirit in the most immediate sense." - Kurt Elling

skier

What kind of frame of mind do you have to have to make a racial slur or joke to be comfortable with it? How many times do you need to say Nigger before it's a natural thing for you? When my buddy makes fun of my "dirty chink" friends I feel that he must believe it to an extent to be so comfortable doing it. I believe that definition fits him very well right now. I'm just wondering if there is a way to get him to be less racially biased, short of kicking the crap out of him- which would probably solve nothing anyway.

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"Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

irseg

Has he actually met your "dirty chink" and other friends? Maybe that would cause him to be less insulting.

Rlyss

Next time he says a racial slur, just look at him and say 'Give it a rest.' I've found that line has worked countless times on other people. They feel like an idiot at that moment and he'll clammer up straight away and not know what to say.

Say 'Give it a rest' and tell him 'We're all the same, you know that, get over it.'

lurkette

Why bother breaking it to him gently? He clearly lacks subtlety so if you want to get the message across, you should probably try something blunt but non-offensive, like "I don't appreciate it when you say negative things about my friends based on their ethnicity, and you should know that it makes you look like an ignorant bigot. Knock it off."

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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

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dragon2fire

why make a issue out of it


your not going to change how this man thinks the only thing you can hope for here is a temporary change in behavioer


if you bothers you that much then


say to him how you feel about this and dont make a agurement out of it


say something like it pisses me off when you insult my friends based on there ethinitcy


but really unless its a very big deal to you i would not worry about it

Hrothgar

Maybe he'll grow up a bit while at the university. Maybe more exposure to different kinds of people can make him realize that we aren't really all that different from each other.

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irseg

More likely, having all that diversity crap shoved down his throat along with all the special clubs for any possible ethnicity/group except for white people (because that would be "racist") will make him even worse. The realization that his black classmates are likely getting scholarships just for being black while he actually has to work to earn them certainly won't make matters any better, either.

lurkette

Stupid much?

I don't even know where to start, so I'll just shake my head and ask you to look at the facts and not at your fears. Honestly.

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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

irseg

Huh?

timalkin

Amen to that.

But we must always remember that being white is always wrong, unless it can be used as a source of entertainment for minorities.

lurkette

Being white is not "always wrong," but being ignorant and bitter is.

It's been my experience that the "diversity crap" that you guys talk about is rarely to blame for people's bigotry - they usually start out bigots, and having to examine their opinions or accomodate any kind of difference just reinforces the fear that is at the heart of bigotry.

As for black classmates "getting scholarships just for being black" this is such a myth. Give me the stats to back up your kneejerk reaction, or STFU. There are some cases in which black students get advantages, which are meant to level the playing field and make up for certain disadvantages. Is it a perfect system? Hell no, but there are far fewer cases of black students getting help at the expense of white students than we would be led to believe by the panic mongers who use anecdotal evidence to paint a picture of widespread unfairness.

Bigotry has many defenders, apparently.

Even if you were right and this situation somehow reinforced his bigotry, that doesn't justify the fact that the dude is ignorant and offensive. Calling people "dirty chinks" is SO stupid and I can't think of any reason someone would defend it. He has a right to think what he wants, but the poster also has a right to tell him he sounds like a fucking moron and that he doesn't appreciate him disparaging his friends for no reason other than their race. Blaming "diversity training" and affirmative action for his ignorance is ignorant in itself.

__________________
"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

irseg

10 seconds of searching found: http://www.free-4u.com/african.htm -- If you look at the scholarships, you'll see that most say "Applicant must be: Black"

Imagine the outrage if a scholarship said that an applicant must be white in order to be eligible. I bet you'd be pissed. Racism is racism regardless of the target.

Acknowledging that favoring people based on their skin color is wrong no matter what that color happens to be is "bigotry" in your mind?

lurkette

No, but using it to justify racist attitudes (like those of the poster's roommate) is.

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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

SecretMethod70

lurkette is right in the case of this roommate - that's no excuse for his bigotry which was pre-existing anyway.

Rant:
But I've gotta quote this post and echo another user with another "amen." I'm not a bigot, I don't hate any particular race or sexual orientation or anything like that, and one of the reasons I liked the school I chose to go to was that it was diverse and I wanted to be surrounded by more than just the "white kids" I've been around all my life in the suburbs. However, I am not ashamed to admit that I've actually grown LESS tolerant at college because of the fact that everyone insists on shoving why they are different down your throat - and I've seen evidence of the same situation at PLENTY of other universities.

I'm a firm believer in the principle that if you don't want to be viewed as different, YOU - along with others - need to stop making an issue out of being different. Thanks to feminazis, I can hardly stand to hear anyone opine about women's rights. I'm simply too sick of hearing about it 24/7. Thanks to a small handful of homosexuals (and proponents for their rights) who like to turn everything into an issue concerning my "white, heterosexist" ways, I can hardly stand to listen to people complain about gay rights because I'm already so worn out from hearing the over-the-top ones speak rediculously constantly. Thanks to PETA and other similar organizations, I can hardly stand to listen to anyone speak about animal rights or why we shouldn't eat meat. Instead, I'm worn out by the psychos who insist on telling my future children how their "mommy kills animals."

I eat meat and I probably always will. I enjoy the taste of it and I see nothing morally wrong with killing an animal and eating it just like every other carnivorous and omnivorous animal on the planet. One of my roommates is a vegan - and it doesn't bother me. He lives his life the way he chooses and lets me live mine the way I choose. Still, by the time we might have a conversation about why he chooses to live the way he does, my brain is already worn out from all the other crap that's spewed from the mouths of those special interest groups who need to remind me of their existance every single day that I just want to live my life for 5 minutes without someone challenging my ideals.

I am straight and I will not change. And I am not insecure with myself because I won't have sex with a man. Just because I am straight and won't even try having sex with a man does not mean I am sexist (towards sexual orientation) and it does not mean that I don't have respect for those who may choose differently. Not everyone in the world is or should be gay.

I am white and I am a skin color too. Just like my black fellow citizens. Just because I'm white it does not mean that I am automatically more priviledged and not understanding of a black person's "situation." Just because I'm white, it does not mean I'm racist. And if there were scholarships that said "only Whites need apply" then, yes, there WOULD be outrage.

Challenging ideals is good in moderation, but the environment at most colleges and universities across the country is not one which challenges ideals at all. It's one that breeds hate towards those who are vocal about their ideals because of a small handful of people who insist on shoving it down your throat every single hour of every single day of every single week of the year.

And they wonder why they're getting less and less respect instead of more.

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Le temps détruit tout

"Musicians are the carriers and communicators of spirit in the most immediate sense." - Kurt Elling

Jeff

That, SecretMethod70, is exactly how I feel. You put my thoughts into words. Good job doing it in a mature manner, with good examples to back it up. Hooray.

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For those who believe in God, most of the big questions are answered. But for those of us who can't readily accept the God formula, the big answers don't remain stone-written. We adjust to new conditions and discoveries. We are pliable. Love need not be a command or faith a dictum. I am my own God. We are here to unlearn the teachings of the church, state, and our educational system. We are here to drink beer. We are here to kill war. We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us.
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MSD

I don't tolerate intolerance. I discovered that one of my friends was a neo-nazi when I overheard him complaining that the Aryan Nation wouldn't let him join because he was too short. I gave him a ride home like I said I would, and haven't talked to him since.

I don't know if this is the best solution for you, or whether you can help him. Don't just try to make him stop saying it, let him get to know your friends and get him to stop wanting to say it.

Slims

I remember my best friend in high school. He was not a bigot, but he was very closed minded and afraid of other cultures and customs.

It took me a full month of insults before I could convince him to even walk into a vietnamese pho restaurant with me. Since then he has developed a taste for any wierd food he can find, and before he left for NM with the military was one of our local pho restaurants best customers. I just had to get him into the restaurant so he could see that the food was not scary looking, and was actually quite tastey, and that the owner of the store was not wearing black pajamas. After he realized how wrong he was, he wanted to start trying other things and an openness towards other cultures and ideas came along with it.

All it took was a little soup.


Oh, and MrSelfDestruct: You should have pointed out that the Aryan Nation would be just as quick to euthanize your 'imperfect' friend as the jews, gypsies, etc.

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Conclamo Ludus

You aren't going to change him by saying something about it. I would either learn to get over his intoleration, or forget you know him. As a tolerant person you can only lead by example. When you face intoleration with intoleration it produces a highly explosive cloud of tension amongst friends. So you have to remember that it is not your problem. It is his. And if it becomes your problem, i.e. your diverse friends not wanting to hang out with you anymore, then you choose to be around like-minded individuals and there is nothing wrong with that. Beating the guy up would do nothing, verbally berating him would do nothing. Chances are he'll slowly realize that his off-color remarks are not getting any attention, negative or positive, and he'll give it a rest. My guess is that he isn't really a "bigot" he's just used to getting a reaction out of throwing controversial slang around. If this is the case, then take the sword out of his hand by ignoring them. Toleration is a bitch. You have to tolerate intolerance and lead by example. Its the only way to spread it.

...at least in my experience,

Good Luck! I bet he'll come around, and if he doesn't, you'll easily find other friends, he won't.

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skier

Thanks everyone for your advice. I've taken the following stance: I have a small electroshock device in my pocket and whenever he makes a racial slur I shock him through my coat!

But really I've just stopped responding to his racist jokes/ comments, and I think I'll get him to come out with me and my other friends as often as possible. He is a smart guy, he'll figure it out i think.

__________________
"Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim