Despratly in need of help
 

ok ive pretty much hit rock bottom..today i asked a bunch of people including my mom about myself and theyve pretty much agreed that i lack empathy and interest in people and that im egotistical and boring towards others...i seriously want to change but have no clue what to do! can i bullshit myself into being empthatic, interested etc? i know these things can be changed because i used to be fun and interested and empathetic and cared about others..how do i get all that back? i remember i used to be able to carry fun and interesting conversations, be witty and charming and basically everyone liked me..now its like the opposite..now i cant even think of stuff to talk about or make up funn stories like i used to..whats wrong with me? how do i change?

First, good for you for even caring, and for wanting to change.

This is my $.02 psychological reading of a situation I know nothing about, so be warned. But...

...you need to ask yourself what changed. You say there was a time when you were empathetic and fun and caring...what happened between then and now? Was there an event, or a series of events, that caused you to change, to become more insecure and guarded? I think you need to ask yourself what kind of person you want to be, and then just practice being that person. I'm not saying pretend to be caring, I'm saying take some time and put some thought into how you talk to and treat other people. Instead of behaving the way you usually do, automatically, take some time to think about how the person you want to be would react. Eventually it becomes more natural and automatic. You might also try cleaning up any messes you've made with your friends and family - finding out if you've done anything to hurt them, apologizing and making things right.

Again, you should be really proud of yourself for having the courage to find out how other people see you, and for wanting to change your behavior. Good luck!

there could be a series of events that triggered the change, 1 i used to be addicted to a fucking multiplayer game on the net and while i was playing the game i didnt care for anyone or anything cause i thought it was the funnest thing in the world (this was a few years ago) 2. i was like 14 and didnt really care about my looks, now im obsessed with the way my hair is, my skin etc (which is no big deal i think)...my biggest concern is how to show someone that you care, i'm a good listener but all the wittyness and interest for others is out the window and i need to regain it, thanks for your reply lurk :)

Oh and another thing, i usually cant get stuff i wanna say to come out right and i cant make up stories and regular bullshit like i used to but i could do this without a problem if i type it or something, why is this?

I'm not sure why you started a second thread on the same topic, but since you did I'll elaborate my response:

You need to figure out why you've cut yourself off from your own emotions. Just by the fact that you're considering bullshitting your way through it tells me you don't want to deal with the real problem. But you -are- asking for help, so that's a start.

Get a piece of paper and write down everything you care about, and why. Be honest. Find the pain points and corner them. You don't have to share this with anyone. Just do it for yourself.

All I can say is limit your interaction with computers and go out more often. From all your posts it sounds like you are trying to have other people tell you what to do or who you are. You need to get out and learn these things on your own. You can't just jump right back into being a social butterfly, but eventually it will happen again. This IS coming from experience, by the way.

how did computers ruin me? and before i do anything i have to LEARN to become empthaetic, interesting etc and become the old me somehow

Seriously, i would try and start small, hang out with people with real similar intrests, if you can, hang out with buddies, walk around in the mall, etc, slowly build back your confidence, and just roll with the punches of whatever is going on.

how long has it been this way? since you were in high school? since you hit college? how old are you now?

I would say don't try to be the old you.... People change and mature. I agree with others.. start small and find things you enjoy. Find out whats important to you. :)

You may have gotten out of the habit of interacting with people; of being sociable. It's a skill; it can be learned, and it can be forgotten.

However, there's no school. You learn by getting out there and practicing.

Also, you say you are a good listener. But are you actually interested in what they're saying, or are you just listening because that's what you think you're supposed to do? Do you really want to be there in a two-way face-to-face, or would you be more comfortable back at the keyboard.

You know dude, I could give you some useful advice about breaking down the walls you've obviously erected around yourself, but fuck it.

I say this, don't become empathetic, don't make an effort for other people. People are unreliable, I don't see why anyone should have to make an affort to be interesting for the general public. It's all just a ploy to make you complicit in the never ending trend of demotic entertainment, they want to charge $3.50 per person to line up and watch the misanthrope grapple with his own inner shortcomings. Empathy? Bah, what's empathy ever done for you man! I say, keep the walls up man, hell, fortify them, put spikes on them, cannons even. Just make yourself into a one man fortress, sure people might not like you, but they have to respect and admire you for your stoic facade. I mean everyone loves Dirty Harry, and he hated everone.

See, the above, sarcasm, this is to be avoided. It's the lowest form of wit really, and only used by sad, unfunny people who can't make any uplifting or constructive pithy remarks.

Also try to get rid of the following character traits, cynicism, misanthropy and of course apathy.

Honestly, obviously you're not totally apathetic, kind of like Darth Vader in Return of the Jedi, you've lost your way, but essentially your willingness to change proves you have not been destroyed by the dark side.

What is it that bores you about other people? And what do you think would happen if you actually tried to show empathy and came up with the wrong response? Better to find people/situations that you really are interested in than try to fake it with people you aren't. Lurkette and Empu have got good points though. Things like obsessing over your hair or video games are just symptoms, not the root of the problem, and to figure it out you're probably going to have to look a lot deeper into yourself.

As for the typing, it's a lot easier to be honest over the internet than face to face. You don't have to worry about how people will react right away, and you can go back and censor anything you've typed. (Which by the way is usually not a good idea 'cause it only takes you further from the truth.)

Just be yourself... lol

I'd have to say that you're just growing up. You're going to have less energy and you will be more mature about everything you do (for the most part).

Not everything *is* interesting. There's no point in trying to pretend that something is interesting to you if it isn't. It's just putting on a show for others. And unless you are humoring someone (like a child [oh, thats a nice drawing/cannonball/summersault]) or have some real reason for doing it, its just all fluff. Not everyone likes to do/eat/play the same things. Some people collect stamps.. some people play football.. some do both. *shrugs*

In that same line, not everyone will find *you* interesting. There are billions of people in the world.. some will take the time to get to know the real you, but the vast majority just wont give a shit. They will blow you off as "boring" and not give it a second thought. It is much better to be yourself than to put on a hat that you dont want to wear and pretend to be someone else. Be yourself.

What did you do when you were having fun in the past? Did you play a sport? Were you on a team? Those things naturally open you up to other people. You are working together for a common goal (fun) that you all enjoy taking part in. Joining a local league for whatever activity you enjoy would help you out i think.


As for the online activity, yes it does have a tendency to make people more introverted. You learn to think about what you are going to say/type before you do it. That really isnt a bad thing, but it can make you seem a little dull. This often happens naturally as you age too. I can speak from experience that online games can make you withdraw from people in your life. If they see that you're not around as much, most often they'll take it personally, they'll think it was something they did or that you dont like them or dont want to be around them.

The best way to let people know you care is to tell them. Failing that, lending an ear/hand to problems is probably your next best way. Find ways to become more interactive in the lives of your friends and family. Cook dinner, go out to a movie/sports event.. just be there...

I am kind of reevaluating this myself. I use to be much more out going and now I spend most of my time on the computer. I don't think I have become boring because I don't just spend my time playing games but learn a lot as well. When I do interact with people I truly do care abt them, some times too much. I chose this life because I found myself empathizing with people too much and for the most part there was little I could do to help them with their problems.
Another problem I had with my "other life", people were using me more than I wanted to be used. I would never have asked my Friends for somethings they asked of me. And it got to be a common thing.
I do miss the interaction sometimes and I believe that in time I will go back to being more social, but for right now I think I will stay the way I am. Nothing wrong with that.

We are a product of the electronic revolution. We were raised on tv, video games, cds and microwaves. Our brains move at a faster pace than anyone before us. We dont want to wait for anything. Reality is just too slow. We are the ADD generation as a result of all of this.

The only solution is to unplug. You need a self imposed techno ban of one month. Get off the computer, even stay away from music and television. Reconnect with the real world. Spend time at lakes and in parks. Go to the airport and people watch even if you dont talk to anyone. Get reacquainted with the flow of real life.

Ask yourseelf what your really want out of life. I mean be really honest with yourself. Not everyone is empathetic or gives a shit about the world. If you did in the past and don't now - ask yourself why? Have you found a new perspective or lost the old one? Which one feels right? It will be a lot to think about and give it some time. If you can find someone to talk with, that might help. Keep in mind thought that they are going to have their own opinion about what you should be doing, so be careful what you ask of them.

There must be a reason that changed you in the first place, seems to me, if you find out what that is you should be able to reverse it. Perhaps it's age...then I'm not sure.

I can sort of sympathize with you a little...as I've grown up I've noticed how much less I like "people"...even tho I deal with people everyday at my job...I just don't like chit chatting.

Goodluck

Give yourself a break! You want to change? Then change. It is within you to do so. Mantra the things you want. You will change.

don't think of this as rock bottom- it is a new beginning- you are seeing yourself and wish to change. That's all. Go see a therapist- be open to whatever they ask. trust me- it will help. Also, listen to yourself, your feelings, and how you wish to be- then just start being that. But remember, others can lend you adive and help, but the rest is up to you- you are the driver of your life. If you want to change, it's in your hands.

Man, now he's REALLY hit rock bottom... He's BANNED from TFP!

Man I wish I had had your problem, I'm the exact opposite. How can you stand to be totally self absorbed? What's the point of living if you don't even try to help other people? Try to do some volunteer activities.