cheerios

I'm still here. but every time I'm in a high place i think about how easy it'd be to just hop off. I think about hitting the guardrail when I drive by myself in my car. And everytime I go visit my family, my self-respect degrades a little more. I think if I were still living there, I might have given up wondering. I know what it feels like to drag a blade across your skin. I know what it feels like to think about what meds you could OD on. I know what it feels like to feel bad for the guy on the news, not because he killed himself, but because he survived, and now he was depressed, a failure, and acripple since the train that should have killed him just took his legs. I know what it feels like to scream and not be heard, to refuse help, to be told to quit being silly, that it's just a phase. I have sat in a shrinks office resenting it every moment because I hadn't ASKED for the help, it had been forced upon me. i have pushed my panic button with all my might, and been disappointed with the lack of results. I know what it feels like to be mocked because the slits on your wrist march the wrong way. I know what it's like to watch your blood flow while you sister sleeps unknowing in the next room. I know what it's like to KNOW that you will lose respect from your friends, that they think less of you because you think less of yourself. The final image from A Brave New World was ideal to me. i wanted to be that guy. I wanted to say "fuck you life, this is ridiculous" and make it stop.


And that will color EVERYTHING in my life. Forever.


I also know what it's like to be held, to be safe, to be loved. I know what it's like to wake up and say, "damn, today's gonna be good." To suceed.


Such a short list. and yet, it's enough to keep me going.

Bloodslick

Oh, how I love you all. Especially you, The Original King. I don't know why, but your addiction comforts me somehow. It makes me feel that everything is right with the world. How I can get that feeling from hearing of an addiction to suffering and despair, I'm not sure.

You all make me believe in humanity again. I wish I could say it's because you've come out the other side, but it's because you've tried not to.

I don't know how this post will be received. I'm sorry if it offends anyone. You all have a special place in my heart for what you've tried to do.

analog

Thought about it a few times, but not too seriously... but almost did it once... and it would've worked, too... but i snapped around before hitting the button, and haven't had any thoughts like that since. (in case you're wondering, being strapped with enough explosives to blow up a car is kinda hard to live through)

cheerios

damn dude. I'd like to hear the story behind that one day

Bloodslick

Wow. So would I.

Dilbert1234567

not yet, i enjoy life to much, well i dont acually enjoy it but i tolerate it just fine. ive thought about it but never attempted it. thought of bailin out of my car at speed into oncoming trafic, that would do it just fine.

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Donate Blood!

"Love is not finding the perfect person, but learning to see an imperfect person perfectly." -Sam Keen

shoe

Thought of it many times and i am kind of struggling with it these days but i dont think i could bring my self to do it.. i hope not.

Crazy/Beautiful

You guys really need to help me out! I started this damn thread to try to find others who felt like me. I'm sick of feeling misunderstood and alone. I have never met anyone in person who is like me, which makes me feel like I'm even more a freak of nature. I can't be in a relationship because whoever my boyfriend is thinks I'm only trying to get attention, when I really just want help! I want someone who will know I'm sick and will care anyway, someone willing to be there even though I'm pessimistic and have absolutely no self worth.
I thought my current boyfriend would understand but he doesn't. He says things about myself that cut me to the bone. People always say "what do you want from me?" I want someone who won't give up on me as easily as I give up on myself but I guess that is to much to ask, it interfers with people's future plans. I want someone who will let me know that there is a reason to keep living.
People don't understand that I can't even imagine my life 5 yrs from now, I never have a sense of well being. I'm 19 and have been dealing with this for 8yrs, and I really don't know how much more I can take. Life is just gonna get harder and I'm too soft. No one is ever gonna accept me for me faults and all. Everyone says I'm too difficult, guess I'm not worth their time. My sheets have blood on them and I need to go wash them now. I wish I was gone. I wish even more I had a reason to live.

Crazy/Beautiful

Jesus Don't Want Me For A Sunbeam

Crazy/Beautiful

I'm Breaking Down, breaking down, gotta maintain

Crazy/Beautiful

So shut your mouth, how can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I'm human and I need to be loved
Just like everyone else does

Crazy/Beautiful

Was anyone here ever had electroshock therapy? I'm seriously considering it and I know my grandmother had it. I come from a long line of sad people

Glory's Sun

I don't think there's ever been a post or statement that I've identified with more..

numist

C/B perhaps its time for a more understanding b/f... they do exist, and you dont have to deal with one that doesnt.

As far as life goes, it generally toughens you up on its own, you are as tough as you need to be to survive, and if you arent, through a little bit of fighting, you get tougher.
Some of us have fought from the moment we were born.

Its fine to be difficult, none of us are simple, and we all have our complexities.

You may be a bit soft or sensitive, especially to peoples comments; tough skin comes from dealing with this kind of thing, a good sense of humour often follows.

On a final note, regarding Electro-Therapy, I wouldnt reccomend it, if memory serves me, its about as effective as flooding to relieve a phobia, and has some of the same negative side effects.

Perhaps a prescription would be best to resore a chemical balance in the brain, as that is what the problem sounds like. I'd see a doctor about it if I were you.

raeanna74

To those of you here who have struggled with this - Thankyou for sharing your stories. To you who are still dealing with depression and thoughts of suicide - Thankyou as well and I hope you find relief from your pain. To C/B I agree with numist - It's time for a new boyfriend who will help you not hurt you. Hugs hon.

Personally I have considered it when I went through some real depression. My depression was related to an abusive boyfriend as well as health problems. I got away from the boyfriend and then got medical help from my family Dr. I am glad to say I don't deal with that depression anymore.

My parents both attempted it. My father numerous times. At one point he was completely insane - He was hallucinating, did not know his own children for a time, could not even communicate normally with anyone. He was in his own world and he was GONE to my brother and I for 6 months (in the clinic that long). He had medical problems for sure. He's tried every antidepressant I think they've made. He attempted suicide 4 times before I attended college and got worse while I was away. I don't even know how many times he did that while I was away. They stopped accepting him at the mental health clinic he was such a frequent visitor and he ended up just going to the hospital to get his stomach pumped or whatever medical treatment he needed. Glad to say he hasn't attempted recently but I'm not a stranger to seeing him in tears. As a child and even now as adults my brother and I both deal with some resentment. We don't quite understand his reasons. To us it seemed like he just wanted attention. I know now it was at least in part because of the brain chemicals and how he's wired. It was also because of his environment when he was growing up.

I guess I can be glad to say that his attempts at least thus far have turned my brother and I off from making any attempts because we cannot even consider doing something that caused us so much pain.

__________________
"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

KWSN

I have several times... if i remember correctly i attempted 6 times by razor, 4 by drowning, and 1 by pills. I'm done with that now... i have nothing to die for. I realized something along the line too: people say that they're going to die anyway as a reason for suicide, but think of it this way... if there is something else after life it's not going anywhere, you might as well wait life out. And if there's nothing, doing yourself in is a terrible waste.

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Your arms are broken!

Prince

Tried, once. Temazepam. Didn't have the guts to go all the way through with it.

Wouldn't even cross my mind now. Still have to deal with the same ol' demons, but I have a life now, a wife that I love more than anything, a couple of purry kittens and a fluffy dog.

I am glad I did not miss out on everything that I have now. Little things with great meaning.

Don't take this personally, Crazy, but I honestly believe that people who suffer from depression and come across as if they're dealing with it, but speak of suicide in romanticizing words...they aren't dealing with jack shit. It is people like that that can tell you how much they prefer to live, and be dead the next morning. I know because I've been down that road, and hope I never go back.

Romanticizing it all disgusts me. Sharing stories in detail disgusts me. Not because of the details, but because of the pride that a lot of people seem to feel telling these stories. As if they're in competition somehow. Honestly, when I used to cut my arm, there was no pride to it, there was no beauty to it.

At the same time, though, I realize it is part of depression, and I don't look down on anyone for any of it, regardless of whether they're dealing with it or not. Depression is a tunnel that seems like it's never going to end, when you're walking in it.

Prince

Oh, and on another note...

There's really no need to blame people who want to die for wanting to die. There is no point in saying how selfish they are, and that all they are doing is hurting those who are left behind. Sure, those who survive will mourn; but such is life. The last thing a person suffering from depression or anxiety disorder, bipolar disorder or somesuch needs is to be told how selfish they are for not continuing to suffer, suffer, suffer.

That kind of talk in and as itself is selfish, and accomplishes nothing.

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Who is John Galt?

iamnormal

I been in the hole for some 20 or so years. Been in deep for about the past 10. I haven't attempted suicide for I know I could complet the task. Can't think anymore about this now

:::OshnSoul:::

I came close. But a friend wouldn't let me borrow his gun. true story....true friend.

ForgottenKnight

I have to agree with this statement.

I have seriously considered it many times. Most of them I was talked out of it by a true friend. One time a friend walked in during my consideration of it and made me promise her to find a way to make it until the next day. It made me realize what I was considering and that I needed help. Later on when I couldn't find the help I wanted, I conisered it again, and was determined to do it, but was talked out of it before I had finished prepairing for it. After that I found a bit of help, and have been slowly getting better.
I won't go into any more detail due to the ignorance some people here have shown towards this matter. Considering suicide doesn't make you an idiot. Thinking that someone is an idiot for considering suicide is pure ignorance. To those of you who assume that someone is an idiot for considering/attempting suicide, I guess there are some things that you just wouldn't understand until you've been there. Also, sometimes those who are suffering and considering it are not those who you would expect it from. Some people are good at hiding things like that from everyone except a select few.

That's quite a generous offer there Halx. Sometimes all someone needs is someone to talk to who won't judge them or put them down for their thoughts.

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"People say I'm strange, does that make me a stranger?"

Strange Famous

No, I've thought about it ideally a few times, but never really seriously - as sad and strange as my life seems it always seemed worth it enough to me I guess

Dead Like Me is a great show though.

__________________
"Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate,
for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing
hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain
without being uncovered."

The Gospel of Thomas

ariekitten

yeah, i feel like me=shit alot. not enough to become addicted, but i am a depressed person on the inside. i guess i hide it really well. i've only seriously attempted killing myself a coupla times, but someone stopped me. i've had many friends who are constantly threatening to commit suicide, and they never go through with it, so i guess if i were ever going to try it again, i'd go out with a bang like jumping out of a plane without a parachute or something. (because you die for sure that way)
i guess humans are alot more alike than they think....
anyway, no worries of me dying anytime soon...(at least not of my own volition)

btw crazy/beautiful i love that song

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I am known as Valentinez Alkalinella Xifax Sicidabohertz Gombigobilla Blue Stradivari Talentrent Pierre Andri Charton-Haymoss Ivanovici Baldeus George Doitzel Kaiser III. Don't hesitate to call.
~Vash, Trigun

>'.'< kitty kitty, meow ^..^~

braindamage351

I've never attempted to committ suicide, although I have wondered what it would be like (not in times of depression, just when I was bored). It isn't a cop-out though. If you're in that kind of position it probably seems like pulling the band-aid off fast vs. pulling the band-aid off slow. In times of great desparation you see the walls closing in, and don't realize how much good might come your way later in life.

alpha

I've thought about how I'd do it just in case I one day really decide to.

Pigtails

I really Love your band aid quote that completely explains it. I hope you'll allow me to use it, I'll credit it to you

Pigtails

You're extremely introspective about this. As much as I don't want to admit it. I do romatize the idea of suicide at times, which in general prevents me from ever giving it up as an option. Also it is sometimes hard for me to identify myself without the depression. Like having depression is a defining characteristic for me. I've had it for so long, it's like I don't know how to respond without thoughts of cutting cutting or suicide, when I become upset or sad. I was wondering if you had any advice on how to work through this?

You're also right, about people sharing stories of suicide and seeming to take a sick pride in them. I can't really benefit from group therapy due to the fact the everyone tries to out do one another. No one wants to be told that their pain isn't as bad as someone else's when their hurting. No one wants to have their feelings marginalized. People want to prove that they are hurting and sometimes that is the easiest way for them to do it. Like AA's compare horror stories.

Of course this type of venting experiences around others with thoughts of suicide can influence emotional sensitive people that they need to take action to be taken seriously. I have changed drastically in who I tell my stories to. Anyone who had a sob story I would relate my own to them.

The last time I was in a hospital a young girl who was also there for attempted suicide actually told me how many times in various ways she had tried to kill herself, after I told her I was there for attempting suicide when she asked. She had actually kept count. I just listened to her quietly and said that I wasn't very proud of my suicide attempts and left it at that.

I think the reason for this, is the in our society mental illness is sometimes viewed with a stigma. Also it is hard to prove you actually have a mental illness to others until something bad happens. Unfortunately people in society are too ignorant to relize that suicide is usually an implusive behavior and you can live with crippling depression without attempting suicide.

I feel bad that many people with depression get discarded by not appearing to other to "be serious" about it. Just because someone does or doesn't try to commit suicide should not be a factor in the amount of pain their in.

People who use the threat of suicide as a manipulation tool, have minimized the importance and severity of the word or thought of suicide.