sapiens

A post by "Nikki" inspired me to start this thread. My wife has long-distance friends that she corresponds with regularly, but few if any friends that she enjoys hanging out with. (She does have friends at work and school).

I think that it is healthy to have friendships other than your partner. I have encouraged my wife to hang out with people independent of me, but she never does. I have even encouraged her to join TFP to talk to other women. She is not interested.

Occasionally , I like to go out with friends independent of my wife (go to a bar, hang out and talk, etc.). She is fine with me doing this, but on more than one occasion she has expressed envy toward my nights out with friends. She wishes that she could do the same occasionally. I wish that she would. I think that it would make her happy.

I don't think that there is any answer to this problem, but I figured asking the Tilted Living community couldn't hurt. Does anyone have any suggestions? How can I get my wife to go out with her friends every once in a while?

Cynthetiq

My wife rarely goes off to do things without me. Not that she doesn't want to but she has a much better time when we are together.

I too like being with her and it's the rare occassion that I find myself witout her. When I am... I cannot wait until I see her again.

But I still encourage her to do things on her own, things that she wants to see, read, taste, and hear. Because it's healthy and it also will keep us from being bored with each other years from now.

Maybe you two need to take some classes at the same college (adult education classes) at the same time but different subjects. This gets both of our out at the same time period without awkwardness of having to check in or forcing one to go out because the other is out.

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lurkette

If she's happy the way she is, why fix what's not broken? But if she wishes she had a group of friends to hang with but doesn't know how to go about finding people, then that's a different story. Is she shy? Anxious about meeting new people? There are lots of ways to meet folks - one of my shy friends made lots of other shy friends at Toastmasters. Local reading groups, university classes like Cyn suggested, volunteer organizations, etc. These are all things you could suggest to her.

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sapiens

Very true! However, I'm not forcing anything on my wife. She expressed a desire to go out with friends independent of me. I'm trying to figure out a way for her to realize her desire.

i think maybe you feel she is envious because you like hanging with your buds instead of with her- i doubt she is envious. i feel bad for her. i mean, shouldn't you grow up and stop hanging at bars or with your guy friends?

Rather harsh! I go out with friends independent of my wife maybe one night every 2-3 weeks. I don't think that is unreasonable. I don't think that reflects a need to "grow up". I enjoy hanging out with my wife very much. We have a lot of fun together. I also enjoy hanging out with friends from work every once in a while. It's a difficult situation. Most of the people I work with are single. Work related business often happens of weekends out as a group. All of my work related friends are graduate students. We often plan research collaborations over beers. I enjoy people from work and like to go out in order to maintain the social bonds necessary to maintain a comfortable work environment. I often miss my wife when I do go out with friends from work. (I'll call her throughout the night). However, I still value going out with friends from work.

you should make friends with other married couples and do things together, instead of apart.

Hanging out with other married couples is a good suggestion. Thank you. We do hang out with the limited number of married couples that we know. (We are both in graduate school. Most people we know are single).

youre leaving her out of your social life and if anything that is what she is envious of.

I disagree. I don't feel that hanging out with friends independent of her once every several weeks is "leaving her out of my social life." My social life is almost entirely my wife. I prefer it that way. I don't want to hang out with friends from work any more than I already do.

don't worry though, she won't put it with it for too many years, then you can have lots of time to hang at bars with the boys.

Very harsh!

Lurkette, thank you for your input. I don't think that she is happy the way it is. I think that she would benefit from some social interaction independent of me. Your suggestions are appreciated. Thank you.

Cynthetiq, thank you for your input. She takes classes all the time, but when you are a graduate student, classes aren't very relaxing. Maybe an informal class at the community college would be good. Thanks.

skysooner

Our situation is somewhat reversed. I prefer to spend my time with her (mostly at home since I am out of the home a bunch with work). She has several social evenings a month with girls from the neighborhool and the odd support group (our oldest son is mildly autisitc and requires lots of care). I sometimes wish that I could go out, but when it comes down to it, I'm perfectly happy spending my free time with my wife.

Cynthetiq

Informal classes... yeah.. those kind.. the ones you take for fun... they are only for a few weeks, learning annex/learning tree type stuff.

Great suggestions here... even for me and my wife

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I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

sapiens

I love spending time with my wife. I wouldn't want any more time away from her than I already have. 1-2 nights a month are enough.

veruca

i understand her predicament....i am a very shy person when it comes to meeting new people...it takes me a few days to feel people out, so party situations don't work for me to meet new people, but i have had success in taking classes, and a serving job where i get to meet all kinds of people. my husband goes out with his friends at least twice a week, which i have no problem with, he is a young guy and playing poker or hanging out with a car club is good interaction, we have tons of married friends, who we hang out with the other nights of the week....but, our big problem is that we have decided not have children for about 6 more years, i am 24 and way too young to be that responsible, but all of our friends have kids, so it's very hard to find couples to go out with to clubs or movies on a regular basis. so we end up doing "family" type of things. which is fine, but sometimes you just want to let loose...lol...so who has suggestions on how to meet young married's who are childless by choice...this lifestyle seems to be almost taboo

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Thraeryn

You say you take graduate level courses, so I'm assuming you go to a college. Now, this may be hard to deal with, but here's my suggestion:

Find a club on campus and meet people there.

Sure, they'll most likely be undergraduates, but at least she'll know that they share a common interest, and she can go and be topically geeky once a week or every couple of weeks. I used to go with my buddies and watch anime every Friday, see what new videos had come out, what the other guys had picked up. I enjoyed it, and eventually I dragged my girlfriend at the time along and she enjoyed it, too. (I need to find something like that again, really.)

Anyway. Campus clubs may be just the answer you're looking for. Good luck!

fuzzix

Maybe you could try doing a few things together first - like going out to a public dance and just having a good time/mingling. If she gets into the swing of things she might eventually want to go out independently.

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sapiens

I'm trying to understand where you are coming from with your comments. I'm not sure how you could know whether it was a bunch of bs or not given your limited knowledge of my marriage. (This is, of course, a challenge with all posts in Tilted Living. We really have a limited perspective on the people who are posting). In a community like TFP, I think that you need to trust that people are being honest. If we can't trust other people on TFP, TFP loses a lot of its value. So, if I describe a situation, your best bet is to trust that I am telling the truth and not giving you a line of bs.

That being said, I started this thread to find ways in which my wife might meet other women to socialize with indepent of me. She has expressed a desire for this. I am trying to satisfy that desire. There have been a lot of great, constructive suggestions from people. Thank you.

sapiens

I hope that you get out every once in a while too!

You and your husband have a lot more energy than my wife and me! We have never gone out more than once or twice a week.

Most people who I know who are 24 don't have kids. My wife and I are both nearing thirty. We have a daughter. We have the opposite problem. We don't know many couples who DO have kids.

*Nikki*

I think a lot of times I only go out with my friends bc I feel it is the healthy thing to do.

I would much rather go out with my man.

The thing is that we all need to have lives outside of our relationships. I am beginning to understand this now. I think that you cannot make your wife like hanging out with other people. I also think that if she REALLY WANTED to she would. This is not about the fact that she just cannot find any local people to hang with, she just DOESN'T WANT TO. Take it from me. I am the same way.

sapiens

I'm not sure that you can what my wife's true motivation is considering you don't know her. (Whether or not she really wants to hang out with others). Of course, I can't say that I know her "true motivation" either , but I have spoken to her candidly about these issues. Perhaps it is like the Ladies Lounge here on TFP , she may have things that she wants to discuss with other women only.

Cynthetiq

so then you don't find any value in your friends or friendships any longer? you don't want to spend time with your firends and only do it as a chore?

one can have a life outside of their relationship, doing hobbies, reading, shopbuilding, and other solitary tasks.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

*Nikki*

Of course I find value in my friends and friendships!! That is taken out of context.

I barely have any free time inbetween work and school. The free time I do have I prefer to spend with my man.

veruca

yes, i go out as well...but i work some nights, being a server, and i don't want him sitting around all alone, when he can be out with his friends. and we hang with our friends a lot, but at home with their kids...it's not like we are going out to clubs...it doesnt require too much energy...maybe we should move to where you are...the biggest trend in orlando is to have unwanted or unexpected children when you are too young to care for them properly. some of my friends are older, and have waited until thier late 20's to have kids, but more often than not around here, people are 18 and unmarried and pregnant, all of my friends had kids when they were about 19....i am the only one still childless...which is fine by me, they are jealous...lol

__________________
How you turned my world, you precious thing
You starve and near exhaust me
Everything I've done, I've done for you
I move the stars for no one

Cynthetiq

Nikki: I was just curious only because it seemed by the statement that you were doing it out of chore sometimes.

we all have limited free time, but when does free time become me time? The wife and I are usually paired up together 90% of the time, if we go to parties or group outings, then I leave her and socialize with the other people in the party. Maybe we check in with each other depending on the group. When we lived in a smaller apartment it was even harder to get me time since it was so small you were always in the same room together.

right now i'm in the bedroom and she's in the living room watching TV. It's our own time.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

neddy65

I have a problem also. my wife is very shy in social settings and the more people who are there, the quieter she gets. When we are out with friends(another couple) she is fine and interacts well but if we go to one of Prosequences off the hook parties she sort of stands back and lets it flow around her. I on the other hand tend to be the "life" of the party, laughing, drinking, engaging in all sorts of different conversations. She can find it intimidating that I get on so well and she can't seem to get enough nerve to get more involved. She is bright, beautiful and charming but far too shy.
I encourage her to go out with friends and she sometimes does but I feel quite guilty going out with my friends( coffee or dinner, I don't like bars much) and leaving her home. We go out together as often as possible(3 kids) and enjoy each others company a lot but sometimes you need time with friends, not often but every once in a while.
enjoy yourself, your wife and your friends in any combination Sapiens.

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toxic515

Bravo Cyn, from start to the current finish!

My wife and I had seperate lives before we were together. Those didn't end because we got married. We share in each others friends, much of it together, but occasionally apart. I, like Cyn, will go out with the guys, but miss my wife painfully until I get home. She goes out with her friends, and if I don't have enough work to bury myself in it, I wonder / miss / worry about her until she gets home.

Spent 2 solid days with a group of guy friends for one of their bachelor parties. (his 1st wife had passed away suddenly, and the 1st bach party was a bunch of 21 year old men, being fussed at constantly by the bride's um... "profoundly"... religious family as we played poker and drank soda pop) Anyway, since this was round 2, we figured we'd demonstrate the difference that 10 years and many thousands of dollars can make.. spent 2 solid days in a couple of "gentlemen's" clubs.. I bet I called my wife or she called me like every 2 hours the whole time. The guys said I was whipped..(I'm the only not-divorced guy in the group, save the groom) but I say I WANTED to talk to her. She's my lifeline, not them anymore. I had a great time, I still love the guys, but my HOME was elsewhere. My wife feels much the same when she's with her friends.

Best fun??? Get em all together. That's a blast when we can work out the schedules to fit.

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wry1

Is it just me, or does Forks come across as an embittered soul?

From all of us who feel like I do, here you go, Forks: GET A LIFE, DUDE!

sapiens, you need to ensure that you're talking to your wife. Discuss the issue as much (or as little) as she is willing to do so, but remember - don't push it. Make sure she knows that you'll do anything you can to help, even if it's just being a listening ear.

Beyond that, this one's her choice. And don't let Forks get you down. You had a life before you met your wife, and so did she. Getting married is not just-cause to sever all ties to the outside world - no matter what Forks may espouse - nor is it an action which would force you two to do everything together.

There's a reason why "Absence makes the heart grow fonder," is a truism.....

NewBonk

The combination of my inconsistent work schedule and volunteering 1-2 nights week does create evenings where my wife does not see me until 9 or 10 at night.

I know she would prefer I came running home to her each night. She does not require me to be in the same room as her at all times, but at least home.

She knows I am passionate about my work and extracurricular activities. She knows it makes me extremely happy and she willingly makes a small sacrifice each night I'm not home for dinner because she loves me.

It's one of the many reasons I love her.

She lets me know if she thinks I'm going over-board and I'm glad she does.

I also make concessions and participate in actives I don't care for because I know it makes her happy. It's one of the reasons our marriage works.

I would not be able to live with someone, let alone marry a person that ached in major pain every moment we were apart. I've seen relationships like that and they are not healthy for either person. A relationship should be a partnership between two people, not the creation of a new combined identity.