Is it possible to be "best" of friends?
 

The title may be misleading, but just bear with me..

About 6 months ago I met this female at work. She's outgoing,a nd just an absolute joy to be with. Probably the coolest woman I've ever met, family orintated, doesn't go out and party all the time, honest, etc.. etc..

I'm married. She knows I'm married, she tells me everything, we are the "best" of friends. But when I see her, and hang out with her, it just makes me see how awsome she is. Is it possible to be "best friends?" I mean, really, we are right now, we share everything with each other, go places together, talka lot, etc.. etc.. Things friends do. I still have those feelings toward her though. It's hard to sit around, and hear how she feels about this guy, or that guy. Or tell me how her night went with so and so... I feel like I need to seperate myself from her, I'm worried if I do that, I could lose one of my best friends. Married life is awsome, my wife is a joy, and I love her very, very much. I've never had a temptation like this in the 7 years I've been married, or really in my entire life.

Yes, it may be wrong to have thoughts like this when your married, but it's human emotion. I've never tried to make an advance on her, or even told her how I felt. It woulden't be right. It's becoming more difficult though. Not really sure what to do. I want to remain friends, and that's it. But emotions are a very strong thing, and it's becoming harder and harder the more I see her. I want to seperate myself, but I don't want to lose such a great person in my life.

You are playing with FIRE Kurant. Some one is going to get hurt and more than likely it'll be either you or your wife or both of you. You have already started to develop feelings for this "friend". Just think back to your hormonal teen years. If you put 2 hormaonal teenagers together (guy & girl) long enough sooner or later something will happen. In all probability, she is confiding in you as a friend. She may even "trust" you and feel comfortable with you because you are married and so she doesn't feel threatened by you in that sense. But as you have said, you are starting to have feelings for her and this is also affecting your motive to be her friend.

Kurant, it seems to me like you are trying to justify some reasons to be "close" to this woman. What I or anyone else on this forum may share will not change what you are about to do, but just take some time a REALLY think about what you are doing. You are about to screw up 7 years of marriage.

I dont think it is possible for a guy and a girl to be really close friends without one of them falling for the other. You definitely need to find out where you stand in her life. Also, doesn't your wife find it strange that you're hanging around a female friend all the time?

I think you know the answer to this problem; but it's a painful answer, and one you're hoping we can help you avoid.

The point is, you're not able to handle this relationship. You can't get close to this woman without wanting to get all-the-way close. Maybe other guys could, maybe not. But the point is, you can't.

You keep calling this friendship, but how many guy friends have you had that were ever this close? The point is, if you were both single you'd probably both be in the sack by now, or you would have at least made a move.

No easy way out of this one. Back off. If she asks why, tell her the truth: you can't handle it, and it's best for both of you. And if she says she has a total crush on you, too, which she's been hiding _run away._
Unless you want to betray your wife and trash your entire life.

It's my belief that unless the guy is gay Male and Femal CAN NOT have a best friend relationship w/out one or the other wanting something more. Probably the man in most cases.

I actually tend to think it is the other way. I find that guys have an easier time separating sex from love whereas many women are more tied into the emotional aspect of a relationship. I have had a female roommate in the past that was just a friend to me, but she apparently wanted a physical relationship with me. I guess I was too oblivious to know about it at the time.

Kurant, you need to look at why you are so attacted to this woman. Is there something you are getting from her that you are not getting at home? After 7 years your married life may be sweet, but it's unlikely it's the magic and fun of the first few years. Look at what you are getting from this friend and then try to make a change at home to have those needs met by your wife. It's the unfulfilled home needs that send people looking for someone else and eventually into trouble.
I whole heartedly agree with Rodney. Tell her you have to back off and if she makes a move RUN, don't walk, to the nearest exit.

I was having the same problem at work. I work with a woman who I'm very sweet on. You must resist the temptation to take it further. Since you're married, she probably feels safer talking to you about personal things. Please don't interpret this as "she loves me" Are you willing to screw up your marriage and your life?

Id advise you to keep your distance with this woman. You are married - dont go messing your marriage up for your friend.

To some people marrige is just something to check off the list before you die. And then to some it's the most important thing that could ever happen. And then still to others it's a thing that is gonna get in the way with the way life should be lived.

If you wanna hang out with this kitten and know full fucking well you ain't gonna be nekkid with her at any point then by all means... be "best friends" to your little hearts content. The way I figure if your wife has no problem with your best friend being female then you shouldn't either.

I don't think you should lose your best friend, she sounds great - but don't give in to your feelings and try and make something more out of it. She probably feels so comfortable around you because she considers you a decent, married guy - therefore no threat - you can act yourself around her because you're not out to impress anyone, and she can do the same. Revealing your feelings will completely shatter this. It might just be a crush, devote all your sexual attentions to your wife, and enjoy the pleasure of having a really great best friend.

When Harry Met Sally....

friends is friends.. period end of story leave it at that.

and if your wife is comfortable with you being out with a lady friend... then don't betray that trust and mess it up for someone else who dates her after you bloody her nose.

can you be just good friends???--Yes, but not with the attitude
that you now have---"you may love one, but cling to the other"

I had a very good friend, in fact she was my new partner at work--(programming). we worked shoulder to shoulder, and never once was there a hint that we were crossing the line....in fact she and my wife became close friends and went on many shopping trips togather.....You can only love one at a time --the other is lust...be careful, you could ruin a great friendship..

Can you be best friends? Yes -- but doesn't that mean your wife is not your best friend. And shouldn't she be your best friend? This woman sounds very nice and I believe she can be a good friend. I also believe that the sexual tension will go away if you introduce her to your wife and hang out together. Lebell has female friends and they are no threat to me -- but mostly because he is open about them. One of the woman friends calls him her best friend; but we "hang" out together as well and I trust everything is above board. Opening up to your wife, sharing your thoughts and your friendship, could be all you need.

Yup,

As with most things in a relationship, COMMUNICATION COMMUNICATION COMMUNICATION is the key. If you can be open and honest with your wife about all aspects of your relationship with this other person, you are ok.

If you start to feel the need to hide things about it (we went to lunch today, she complimented me on my new cologne, etc.) then you are headed down a bad road and need to seriously look at your relationships and where they are heading.

Good luck!

Instead of asking a forum, ASK YOUR WIFE!

There are going to be problems with these sorts of things, I know, but think about it from her shoes. If this same thing happened to her, wouldn't you want her coming to you for help instead of strangers online? I know it hurts to know she would have a crush on another or whatnot, but it's there, and you two should be close enough/honest enough with eachother that you can discuss such things.

In my past experiences with this exact same situation (having a crush on best friend but wanting to stay loyal to SO), both times it happened it eventually just went away with time. I didn't back off my my best friends because I know I was able to not pull anything. After about a month or so though, I become closer to them as friend, but lost all feelings for them as anything more. Now I'm HAPPY that she has another person, where as before I got jealous. I can't explain it, but it worked for me, maybe it will work for you.

If you are this close to this woman I think you should sit her down and tell her your feelings, but saying that you aren't interested in ruining your marriage. Nothing good ever comes of hiding things from ppl close to you, and this will cause a strain to your relationship. Just tell her you wanted to get it out in the open so you can get over it, and you don't want to lose her as the great friend she's been. You're human and this feeling is normal, and your friend should understand and maybe help you "get over" your attraction.

I think if two friends of opposite sexes can do this and get past that awkward period of attraction then you can last as friends. But try to straighten it out with her before you tell your wife if she's a jealous type. No use ruining your marriage over something you're trying to *not* do either.

It is possible to be Friends with a woman, but it sounds like your feelings go deeper than that and if you continue things are going to get real ugly. You will probably end up loosing your wife and your "best friend". I think you should explain your feelings to your Friend then distance yourself from her. Try making your wife your best friend.

You've just dug yourself a grave I think.. heh. If you want your marriage to survive I would strongly advise you leave this other chick, you're just going to want more and more, and once the wife finds out, your out, and if this 'best friend' doesn't work out, you're alone. Watch yourself with this one :o

the anser is simple... have a threesome... DUH...

ok ill be serious now... it could be possible for it to work... but like someone else said your playing with fire... so... take steps to not get burned...

Does your wife know about her? Giving yourself some space from her may not be a bad idea. It's hard though, you love your wife and would never jeopordize your relationship, but at the same time, you have this other person that makes you feel things in a different way.

I know from my point of view, I wouldn't like you spending a lot of time with someone else if I were your wife. And I would want to know the things that you think and have you share stuff with me.

Also, if it were the other way around, what would you feel or think?