Help me, I'm selfish - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

-Ever- · 08-08-2003, 01:23 AM

(Prepare for some of my rambling below...I'm not really sure where to start because this is a pretty akward thread for me to post, but I'll give it my best shot.....)

Well I've always known that I tend to watch out for myself in general. However sometimes I guess I do so when others could use my help more. Specifically speaking, one of my real close group of friends has slowly brought to my attention that they feel that I could be there for them more often, like when they are in the gutter and just really need someone to talk to. I personally feel like I'm there all the time, but if they are noticing differently, something's going wrong somewhere.
I love giving in general. I'm usually the first to give up my chair (as a metaphor...) and I like not only *making* other people happy, but actually seeing them happy. I cringe at the sight of a hurt, helpless animal, and will always just sleep it off if my girlfriend has pulled all the sheets off of me in the middle of the night. Small examples, yes, but important nevertheless. In the end, I think I'm just selfish on top and basically feel that I watch out for myself. One quote that really stood out in my mind went something like "Don't only do favors when you can aford to do them." I feel like this somewhat describes my bad side in that I do tend to do favors more when I can afford them, but I also do give when it is sacrificial too so I dunno.
Sorry about the mixed ideas, I just wanted to throw all this out. I didn't just want to say "I'm selfish, fix me!" because I feel that I can specify my case much more and maybe pinpoint a way to work with it. Any recomendations? Simple ideas or even recomended readings would be a good start.
Thx guys
-T

saucy knave · 08-08-2003, 02:17 AM

Treat others the way you would want to be treated. If you asked a close friend for a small favor, I'm sure you would expect it. If you asked a total stranger for a huge favor, I'm sure you wouldn't. I guess what I'm trying to say is, mentally put yourself in other people's positions.

It's hard to be selfish and be a friend at the same time...there's a contradiction there.

Mephisto2 · 08-08-2003, 03:50 AM

This is rather self-serving and hypocritical.

"Help me, I'm selfish"

So, you accept your faults, acknowledge that you won't do others favours, yet ask complete strangers to help you?!

Hmmmm...

Whilst I hate 'sound bites' in arguments, I'm reminded of the phrase "What goes around, comes around."

If you treat people badly, or act selfishly, you should expect the same from others.

It is incumbent upon you to take the first step, not make bleat helplessly for assistance whilst not changing the fundamental faults in your attitude.

Start being a nice guy and people will treat you nicely.

Mr Mephisto

PS - I'm not being nasty, but rather posting an alternative opinion to foster debate...

lurkette · 08-08-2003, 05:22 AM

I think it's admirable that you're concerned about it, and that you're accepting your friend's point of view about your actions. Changing behavior, especially automatic behavior, takes work, though. If it's the case that you think "I could help so and so" but you choose not to, then it's just a matter of making different choices. But if it's the case that it doesn't even occur to you that so-and-so might want help, then you're going to have to start training yourself to notice and think of others if you want to become a less selfish person.

Incidentally, there's nothing wrong with taking care of yourself, and a lot of people suffer under the delusion that you can't take care of yourself and take care of other people, which is just not true. To quote Mr. Mephisto, "what goes around, comes around" in good ways and in bad ways. Taking care of others can feed your soul, and it can make people more disposed to be there for you when you're the one in need.

ratbastid · 08-08-2003, 09:36 AM

The key thing here is to remember that you aren't selfish. You behave selfishly, but that's not you, it's just how you behave.

That distinction is crucial (which is why I italicized it. Twice.

).

Armed with that knowledge, you now have the ability to recognize selfish behavior, catch it in the act, and interrupt it. At first this will be very difficult for you--it'll look like the only thing for you to do is be and do the things you're being and doing. But as you practice (and it DOES take practice) you'll get better and better at intervening in your automatic actions and ways of being.

badflsh · 08-08-2003, 10:25 AM

Try this...if you can recognize a situation in which you might have previously been selfish, ask yourself "if I were to die today and my life were to flash before my eyes, what choice would I want to watch myself make here". The idea being you will make a choice based on what you feel is morally right without the influence of personal gain or anything else.

-Ever- · 08-08-2003, 11:42 AM

Well thanks a lot guys. You've all been of help. While most of you seem to understand how to cope with selfishness, Lurkett and Ratbastid seem to have hit it right on the head when it comes to my case. I consider myself to be extremely vigilant in practicing "treat others how you want to be treated," however as Ratbastid said, sometimes I "behave" against this which can hopefully be fixed over time through practice. I think I just first have to notice the situations in which I could be giving more than what I feel like giving at the time and consider my actions before I act... I dunno.
Thanks for all the help guys. much appreciated. I already had some POV's on the subject before I came to you and it's nice to see that other people understand

Memalvada · 08-09-2003, 08:46 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by saucy knave
Treat others the way you would want to be treated

Damn right!

To be honest, Im often selfish myself, and i really dont like it. But im trying to be the friend I would want for me.

MacGnG · 08-09-2003, 03:54 PM

we all do selfish things that we dont notice. idont think that really makes us selfish but its still something i try to look out for.

one thing i've noticed, is to just do things as they come not hold them off, like just putting something away so someone else doesnt have to.

bender · 08-12-2003, 12:15 PM

I'd like to help you out, but whats in it for me ?

-Ever- · 08-12-2003, 02:33 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by bender
I'd like to help you out, but whats in it for me ?

08-08-2003, 01:23 AM	#1 (permalink)
-Ever- Junkie Location: San Francisco	Help me, I'm selfish (Prepare for some of my rambling below...I'm not really sure where to start because this is a pretty akward thread for me to post, but I'll give it my best shot.....) Well I've always known that I tend to watch out for myself in general. However sometimes I guess I do so when others could use my help more. Specifically speaking, one of my real close group of friends has slowly brought to my attention that they feel that I could be there for them more often, like when they are in the gutter and just really need someone to talk to. I personally feel like I'm there all the time, but if they are noticing differently, something's going wrong somewhere. I love giving in general. I'm usually the first to give up my chair (as a metaphor...) and I like not only making other people happy, but actually seeing them happy. I cringe at the sight of a hurt, helpless animal, and will always just sleep it off if my girlfriend has pulled all the sheets off of me in the middle of the night. Small examples, yes, but important nevertheless. In the end, I think I'm just selfish on top and basically feel that I watch out for myself. One quote that really stood out in my mind went something like "Don't only do favors when you can aford to do them." I feel like this somewhat describes my bad side in that I do tend to do favors more when I can afford them, but I also do give when it is sacrificial too so I dunno. Sorry about the mixed ideas, I just wanted to throw all this out. I didn't just want to say "I'm selfish, fix me!" because I feel that I can specify my case much more and maybe pinpoint a way to work with it. Any recomendations? Simple ideas or even recomended readings would be a good start. Thx guys -T __________________ Embracing the goddess energy within yourselves will bring all of you to a new understanding and valuing of life. A vision that inspires you to live and love on planet Earth. Like a priceless jewel buried in dark layers of soil and stone, Earth radiates her brilliant beauty into the caverns of space and time. Perhaps you are aware of those who watch over your home And experience of this place to visit and play with reality. You are becoming aware of yourself as a gamemaster... --Acknowledge your weaknesses--

08-08-2003, 05:22 AM	#4 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	I think it's admirable that you're concerned about it, and that you're accepting your friend's point of view about your actions. Changing behavior, especially automatic behavior, takes work, though. If it's the case that you think "I could help so and so" but you choose not to, then it's just a matter of making different choices. But if it's the case that it doesn't even occur to you that so-and-so might want help, then you're going to have to start training yourself to notice and think of others if you want to become a less selfish person. Incidentally, there's nothing wrong with taking care of yourself, and a lot of people suffer under the delusion that you can't take care of yourself and take care of other people, which is just not true. To quote Mr. Mephisto, "what goes around, comes around" in good ways and in bad ways. Taking care of others can feed your soul, and it can make people more disposed to be there for you when you're the one in need. __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

08-08-2003, 09:36 AM	#5 (permalink)
ratbastid Darth Papa Location: Yonder	The key thing here is to remember that <i>you</i> aren't selfish. You <i>behave</i> selfishly, but that's not <i>you</i>, it's just how you <i>behave</i>. That distinction is crucial (which is why I <i>italicized</i> it. <i>Twice</i>. ). Armed with that knowledge, you now have the ability to recognize selfish behavior, catch it in the act, and interrupt it. At first this will be very difficult for you--it'll look like the only thing for you to do is be and do the things you're being and doing. But as you practice (and it DOES take practice) you'll get better and better at intervening in your automatic actions and ways of being.

08-08-2003, 11:42 AM	#7 (permalink)
-Ever- Junkie Location: San Francisco	Well thanks a lot guys. You've all been of help. While most of you seem to understand how to cope with selfishness, Lurkett and Ratbastid seem to have hit it right on the head when it comes to my case. I consider myself to be extremely vigilant in practicing "treat others how you want to be treated," however as Ratbastid said, sometimes I "behave" against this which can hopefully be fixed over time through practice. I think I just first have to notice the situations in which I could be giving more than what I feel like giving at the time and consider my actions before I act... I dunno. Thanks for all the help guys. much appreciated. I already had some POV's on the subject before I came to you and it's nice to see that other people understand __________________ Embracing the goddess energy within yourselves will bring all of you to a new understanding and valuing of life. A vision that inspires you to live and love on planet Earth. Like a priceless jewel buried in dark layers of soil and stone, Earth radiates her brilliant beauty into the caverns of space and time. Perhaps you are aware of those who watch over your home And experience of this place to visit and play with reality. You are becoming aware of yourself as a gamemaster... --Acknowledge your weaknesses--

08-08-2003, 02:17 AM	#2 (permalink)
saucy knave Tilted Location: West Siiide	Treat others the way you would want to be treated. If you asked a close friend for a small favor, I'm sure you would expect it. If you asked a total stranger for a huge favor, I'm sure you wouldn't. I guess what I'm trying to say is, mentally put yourself in other people's positions. It's hard to be selfish and be a friend at the same time...there's a contradiction there.

08-08-2003, 03:50 AM	#3 (permalink)
Mephisto2 Junkie	This is rather self-serving and hypocritical. "Help me, I'm selfish" So, you accept your faults, acknowledge that you won't do others favours, yet ask complete strangers to help you?! Hmmmm... Whilst I hate 'sound bites' in arguments, I'm reminded of the phrase "What goes around, comes around." If you treat people badly, or act selfishly, you should expect the same from others. It is incumbent upon you to take the first step, not make bleat helplessly for assistance whilst not changing the fundamental faults in your attitude. Start being a nice guy and people will treat you nicely. Mr Mephisto PS - I'm not being nasty, but rather posting an alternative opinion to foster debate...

08-08-2003, 10:25 AM	#6 (permalink)
badflsh Tilted Location: Oregon	Try this...if you can recognize a situation in which you might have previously been selfish, ask yourself "if I were to die today and my life were to flash before my eyes, what choice would I want to watch myself make here". The idea being you will make a choice based on what you feel is morally right without the influence of personal gain or anything else.

08-09-2003, 03:54 PM	#9 (permalink)
MacGnG Know Where!	we all do selfish things that we dont notice. idont think that really makes us selfish but its still something i try to look out for. one thing i've noticed, is to just do things as they come not hold them off, like just putting something away so someone else doesnt have to.

08-12-2003, 12:15 PM	#10 (permalink)
bender Addict Location: around the corner	I'd like to help you out, but whats in it for me ?