Double D

Thanks to all--I seem to keep saying that but please know, it is heartfelt.

My son has been fine since being chauffeured here by the county sheriff, 2.5 weeks ago.
He's still doing almost all the housework (I don't allow him access to my bedroom or bathroom-even to clean), and he's keeping a good attitude.
I'm using a system that I used to use when he was a child as a form of behavior modification-- basically he works towards *earning* certain privileges.
He's actively seeking work, though he can't leave the house--he's had friends bring job applications from their places of employment--and he's updated his resume.

He admitted to me that he was pretty heavily using drugs--pharmaceuticals--when he was picked up on the driving with a suspended license charge. He was lucky he wasn't high at the time.

I'm pretty disappointed that he did *hard* drugs--he was already through experimenting with the getting smashed on alcohol stage. He smoked here & there, both cigarettes & marijuana (not anywhere near this house, though!)--he's knows how I feel about both. Any smoke in your lungs is not healthful--and marijuana (as we know) is illegal.
But he was using some kind of pain-killer--I can't remember the name of it--the new, improved version of vicodin--heh. He'd stay out all night when he got high--so I never saw him that way.

The first few days he was here, I could tell he was coming off something--so I guess being here has effectively been his detox period.
The very few friends I've allowed in the house are all kids I know--kids that are doing well in their lives-- and some that I've known for most of Jim's life. You can tell the good kids from the bad--the bad will avoid me like the plague (they are not welcome here)-- and the good are in no hurry to get away from me.
There's no door closing and the visits are upstairs in the living room--everything within visual & auditory range.

He's *earned* back sleeping in a bed--for now.

His court date is this Tuesday. He's pretty confident that time served will qualify him for release--but I don't know.
My husband and I are still between a rock and a hard place on the car that we co-signed on. If Jim works--and he's always been able to get a job--he can make his own car payments and we won't bear that burden for the next three years.
Sooo...to throw him out again would be a burden on us (i.e. he'd default on the car)... the debate goes on...he's hanging by a thread and he knows it.

We want to see him succeed in life--I think he can--but he's got to think he can--and then be enough of a man to keep clean and work his tail off to dig himself out of the hole he's in.

Double D

Thanks from the heart, sweetie; you know I still keep warm thoughts for you and your loved ones.

I told Jim of your little box of good wishes. He blinked really quickly a few times--pretty sure those were *man* tears.

wry1

Just a thought - and I'm sure you two have already come up with it as well - but if you need to find a suitable middle ground, then start charging your son rent for his room. He'll have to work to afford room & board, as well as his car payment, and you'll be able to provide him with shelter (and keep an eye on him to a certain extent).

If, on the other hand, he decides to continue with his plans to get a place with that friend you mentioned before, then this suggestion will most likely be unusable.

But I hope it helps, and throw a few good wishes from me in that box Lurkette is keeping!

DEI37

After reading through all three pages here, it seems like he may be turning around from at least the hardcore stuff. While this in NO way abolishes the past, and the damage that has been done and paid for, and what is yet to pay for, I hope this gives you some reason to smile a little bit.

I still lived with mom and dad when I was 20, but I was going to the college that dad taught at, while we lived on campus. After one year of college, the plan was to sit out a year, and go to a different school. That didn't happen, and while I never paid rent to mom and dad, I did help some with food...not as much as I shoulda, but still...made my car payments, insurance, and such.

Either way, I hope things clear up, and you get your sense of normality back. Sounds like you're at least trying to make lemonade from the lemons life has given you. Keep your chin up! And another volley of good wishes into Lurkette's box!

*hug*

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sexymama

DD - wow, congratulations on doing a job well. I know it is not done yet -- but you are a fantastic mom and it shows. Some day your son will thank you for this!

As for the car issue, I might suggest that you not give him the car until he: 1. pays you back for the payments you have made; 2. shows you a current drivers license; 3. has proof of paid insurance with the deductable in your savings "just in case"; and 4. that he works for at least 3 months and stays clean.

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Double D

The car for all intents is ours; we have the only keys and more importantly, he cannot legally drive. My guess is that he'll not be eligible to get his license back for at least 6 months.

Good suggestions all-- and yours, and *lurkette's box* of hopes/wishes is something that I cherish.

oberon

DD, I've read this whole thread up to now. I agree with everyone else: you're doing the best you can, seriously. I have seen a similar experience with my younger brother and he's really shaped up his life at least in no small part because of my parents strictness in face of his actions. My little bro rocks, and I do not feel the remorse of having him for a brother that I used to. Unfortunately, I think the whole incident kind of pushed us apart at least a little bit. Maybe we would have done that anyway even if he didn't get into such trouble, just by growing up. But the family is closer than it was back then. If you stay strong, maybe in 5 years (about how long it's been for us), you'll be having a good time with your independent son again.

It is in part because of my experiences with my brother (and many others) that I never smoke, drink, or do any kind of drugs. I rarely use prescription or OTC drugs either. I believe in cleanliness, control, and true judgment ability.

By the way, I am 21 and still live with my parents during the summer (and am entirely dependent on them for my college education). But I work my ass off when I'm not taking classes and don't give them any trouble like your Jim has. I pay for my hobbies and occasional meals. If my parents decided to stop supporting me financially, I would quit school (at least for now) and get a job. I probably would have done that after graduating from HS if they didn't offer to pay for my education, too (I prefer to keep the books black).

Keep it up, and let us know how this all ends up working out for you & Jim.

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bob090362

It's a serious thread, yeah, I know.

But for humor sake, might as well:

Love your kids? Prove it by beating them.

irieemon

This is an amazing post - DoubleD I wish you and your family the best in dealing with a trying situation. I'm sure purposely turning your back on your son is insanely difficuly, but I feel it's the best for him in the long run. It sounds like where most people would consider rock bottom, he considers the norm, so he must be allowed to hit even further befrore he can be appreciative of "the good life".

Good luck, and thanks for the postings it's made for a wonderful read and insight.

Double D

My son was released from house arrest on Tuesday of this week.
He had another court date on Wednesday, on a second count of driving with a suspended license, and he was given 6 months court supervision and various fines, to be paid by January.

He's still behaving well, he has a curfew, and mandatory (my mandate) drug tests and must be gainfully employed--no excuses-- within 2 weeks.
He has two job interviews set up on Monday--and has secured rides to them--so it seems like a good start.

I just wish he had wised up earlier--'cause we have no trust in him & it's hard to live with someone you don't trust. I suppose I'll always have room in my heart to have faith in him that he can succeed, though.
Still, he can't drive and we won't give him keys to the house--so it's not *normal* at all.

I just wish him the best. In that spirit, I'm taking him to a barbershop on Monday before his job interviews--it's seems to make practical sense and he was very grateful that I offered. I keep trying to teach him the *What goes around, comes around* rule, by example.
I sure do hope he's starting to get it.

Leviathan[NCV]

While I can't say anything more than what has already been said, my best wishes Double D.

Cynthetiq

glad to see that the story is still moving in a postive direction...

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oberon

I agree, it's very difficult to do anything around people you don't trust, let alone living with them.

But it sounds like good progress is being made. Hopefully your son will find a job.

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ratbastid

You know, sometimes people have to hit bottom before things can start turning around. Sleeping on newspapers in the basement may have been the turning point in his life. In which case, you can thank yourself for giving him that--and in the fullness of time, he'll likely thank you himself.

jbrooks544

You have done great and hopefully you have seen the worst of it already and he won't get "bad" again. The only thing that I could add is that you need to make sure that you aren't duped into unwittingly becoming his enabler. I would keep ALL the clamps on. If you haven't, I would have him go to AA and you to Alanon - sorry if I missed this in an earlier post. The only way I would let him keep living in my house was if he turned over all of his paychecks to me. I could then just dole out what he needs when he needs it. I would be worried that if he gets a wad of money in his pocket he will run out and buy drugs. This arrangement would help to insure that home is not a soft pillow for him to land on when he falls off the wagon. This should be his one time chance and keep the harsh controls and try to limit the time period where he will be staying at home. You have done great and so has he - to get him back on his feet. I wish you and him luck and happiness.

troit

Well DD -- today is the first time I decided to check out this thread -- and read it from start to finish. As with 90% of the famlies out there, it seems there is always one black sheep to every family. The patience and strong will you have exhibited over the past month and a half are truly amazing. I am glad to see that the entire episode is at least heading in the right direction and my thoughts and prayers are with you. Keep us updated.

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numist_net

youve done the hard part - calling the police on this screw up, and that is a big step. If you have really given ultimatums, and he really hasnt respected them or you, then have a few friends over, put all the stuff that he owns on the front yard, and change the locks on your house.

Anyone who treats their parents like that needs to learn the hard way how much parents really do for their children.

theweaklinkmom

Our 23 year old son checked himself in to the emergency room to get help and detox off of oxicoton and heroin. He ended up in a detox center and for the first time all the people closest to him were on the same page and got honest with ourselves and each other. It wont work if there is a weak link with the people who are making themselves feel better by supporting his addictions, lies, inappropriate behaviors, and his demise. We, my husband and I, have allowed our son to continue his destruction in our home for years. We can never seem to get on the same page when it comes to honesty and standing strong together, it's been heartbreaking and hell. This time my sons loved ones came together and decided that we had enough. For the last two years I had to surrender and go along with the same bad behaviors. We gave him money often, made excuses for him, argued over what was right and what was wrong for him, on and on and on, a never ending battle. I called the detox center and got in touch with his sponsor, since he had put my name down on the emergency contact I was legally allowed to speak to his counselor. We set up an intervention on the phone with the counselor and one by one we told him that his way wasn't working and all of us together were finished unless he continued with long-term treatment. We are attending Alanon meetings and supporting each other to remain strong. My son really lost it when his fiance told him she was finished and moving to another state. She now has changed her mind and told him she would be open to a relationship if he got some long term sobriety. She is the weak link at this point and he is manipulating her. Tomorrow I will turn her on to this site, it might help.

genuinegirly

These are crazily difficult situations. I don't pretend to have the answers. Reading through this old thread, I'm impressed with the experience and knowledge that has been passed along. weaklinkmom, I wish you luck in your efforts. Sounds like you and your family are taking all of the right steps.

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GSRIDER

without reading all the other replies and being a shit of a son myself at one time I must say it's time for him to go. I know instincts say otherwise, the want and need to protect. But he is flat out using you, he is taking advantage of your good will.

I'm pretty sure in about 2 years I'll be makingthe same decision myself. My son is 17 and I've already had it. He doesn't want to work, he doesn't know where he is headed in life, he refuses to make his own decisions and it's high time he started to at least point himself in the direction of his own future. Sometimes there is only one way to do that.

In my late teens I spent time in and out of my parents house, knowing I could always go home if I got kicked out of an apartment or someother situation. It wasn't until I took a road trip 3 states down that I had to learn to depend on myself. I still live 3 states away.

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cavegn

Double D,
I know this thread is 7 years old, but i truely hope you still get feedback from it. I am going through the same shit currently. In fact, he crossed the line the other day for the last time and i told him to leave.

What i want to know is, how did things turn out for you and your son? do you regret the decision you mad?

ratbastid

cavegn, Double D hasn't posted here in literally years and years. No idea if she still lurks, but I'd say the odds are strongly against you getting an update on her particular situation. Might be worth posting your own thread for feedback, though.

TheDragonlady

Yes, kick him out. You need to find peace in your life and having him in your home is not going to help you find it. He needs to learn to make his own way. At 20, it's sink or swim time for him. Sometimes the hardest thing for you to do is the best thing. In this case, it's sending him on his way. I would also say that if he doesn't bring the car back soon, call the police. You might try to get him to join the military or something - not sure if they'd even take him but it could be the best thing for him.

Good luck!

The_Jazz

If he hasn't brought the car back 7 years later, it's probably best to just give it up as gone. It ain't coming back now.

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robot_parade

So, just read the thread. My question at this point is...has he really 'hit bottom' and is ready to start rebuilding his life, or is he just behaving while he 'has to'? I don't have any answers.

TheDragonlady

It was on the top of the msg board and I didn't see the date. I thought it was new. So sorry.

G5_Todd

ya i saw the date on the thread and was hoping the post the brought it back was her giving an update after all these years....i think a mod should email her! and tell her we are curious

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SirLance

You teach people how to treat you, and your son has learned well.

My advice: change the locks and report the car stolen.

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MSD

She was banned several years ago for what we accepted as a good reason, I don't think this is going to happen.

G5_Todd

fair enough

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"....and when you men get home and face an anti-war protester, look him in the eyes and shake his hand. Then, wink at his girlfriend, because she knows she's dating a pussy."

-General Franks

Brad1989

Toss him and make him grow up