Anomaly_

I'm going into my junior year and I can honestly say college has been the worst time of my life. I don't have any friends and I've never had a girlfriend. I realize I only have myself to blame but it doesn't make it any easier. Looking back, I shouldn't have chosen to live at home because I missed the whole dorm experience and an oppurtunity to meet new people. Right now, I know I need to get out of the house but I don't know where to go. Do I just look for someone needing a roomate near the university? I would really like to turns things around instead of wallowing in self-pity and thinking about suicide frequently. Any advice is appreciated.

Slims

Check the newspapers, campus cork-boards, and word of mouth to find an apartment/roomate.

Do whatever you need to do to get out of the house. Beyond that, join some clubs and start interacting with people on a social level.

Things will get better,
good luck.

__________________
"Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery." - Winston Churchill

"All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act out their dream with open eyes, to make it possible." Seven Pillars of Wisdom, T.E. Lawrence

The_Dude

clubs, that's my answer.

there HAS to be a campus organization that you would fit in. go there and meet people with same interests like you.

__________________
"Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity." - Darrel K Royal

hobo

I have a feeling I'll be in your shoes soon. The university I may be going to is only 20 minutes away so I'll likely be living at home. I don't have a girlfriend, nor am I anywhere near getting one. I have only a small group of friends but most of them are going off to different schools so I'll need to make new friends. I'm not very athletic or into sports so that won't help me. I do intent to join some clubs but I worry that too much socialization will hurt my marks. The pressure and stress sucks.

giblfiz

Live in the Dorms!!! if its an option do it, its one of the best community setups you will ever find. Freshman are always friendly, after all they don't know anyone either.

Clubs are also a key, I'm a total fucking dork and not terribly athletic, but there was a LARP on campus, as well as the SCA. Also talk to people in your classes.

As you know more people the girls will come. As far as living arrangements go, look at the cork-boards, usually someone has "room mate wanted" or hell, just get a small place yourself, makes it easier to have a GF when it happens.

__________________
Use the star one and you'll be fighting off the old ones with your bare hands
-A Shoggoth on the Roof

Latch

I definitely suggest living in the dorms/on campus.

Also, this may be a bad suggestion, but alcohol makes a great social lubricant.

I'm an RA (for the second year) at my campus, and I've found that during our first weeks almost all people come to on-campus living (res) quiet, nervous, and scared. This is natural. The people that end up having a few drinks get more chatty and less nervous and scared (more brave?). This is also pretty natural for alcohol. The two things together results in people coming "out of their shell" more quickly and more easily (compared to people who don't drink/party at the beginning). Friendships that can last lifetimes begin in those first few weeks alot of the time.. and if you spend your time in your room or whatever, you may miss some of it. Not that you can't make friends after those first few weeks, but groups come together quickly (here at least), and it can be harder to join sometimes.

I'm not encouraging you should drink all the time, but if there's some people sitting around having a few drinks watching TV, embrace it. Grab a beer, sit down, and watch TV with them. If there's a party, go to it. Even if you don't drink alot, you're still there being seen.

Mainly, get onto res/dorms, and don't hang out in your room alone.

phredgreen

every campus has its own newspaper. pick one up. it's typical for them to print the day's activities, including special interest groups. now i'm not sure that all of them will apply to you (somehow the "unleash the goddess in you" group didn't work out for me), but if you see anything that works for you, check it out. now, go to your student union building and run to the info desk. ask the cute girl (as is typical) or the goofy looking guy (which comes in at a close second) if there are any other activities worth knowing about today. they can hook you up. the point is to find what's out there and get to it.

__________________
My country is the world, and my religion is to do good.
- Thomas Paine

Anomaly_

Unfortunately I can't live in the dorms because they're basically reserved for freshmen and sophomores. About drinking , I'm not of legal age and have never had any desire to. The party/drinking thing is really not me at all. I guess this could be limiting but I'd like to think there are a good number of people who have the same sensibilities.

As far as clubs goes, I've been thinking about doing intramural basketball or boxing. I'm into FPS computer games as well. Everything just seems alien though. Like everyone has their social networks established and I'm looking in. I guess "breaking in" is the hard part and I couldn't be more introverted.

MSD

Is there a game room? At my school (commuter campus for UCONN) there's a pool table and a TV, I hang out with a whoel bunch of people, and I'm always the shy one. Something like that might be a good way to meet people.

And you can pick up girls by playing foosball against them.

Pennington

Do what I do, hang out at the coffee bars. You'll meet a ton of people and they tend to be of higher caliber than your everyday joe college kid. Bring a laptop and order the same drink every time. You'll meet people in no time.

phredgreen

anomaly... you'd be suprised how many campus groups are always willing to see new blood in their ranks. if they shun you, chances are you wouldn't be happy there anyways. just go into whatever you check out enthusiatically and become a part of something.

__________________
My country is the world, and my religion is to do good.
- Thomas Paine

denim

It's very easy to come up with reasons why you can't do things. Try to invert your position: say you WANT to go do whatever but you're being held back. Then break OUT. Maybe that'll work.

What about classmates? You've never spoken with people you have classes with? That's the way I tended to meet people in college. Worked out pretty well, too.

lurkette

Maybe this was just an offhand comment, but I don't want to step over it. If you're actually thinking about suicide frequently, please get help. Your school should have a free counseling service.

Beyond that, everyone here has given lots of good advice: talk to people in classes, use school bulletin boards to find a roommate, join some organizations, get out there and be known.

__________________
"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

bigoldalphamale

DOOD!!! i didnt notice that the eyes moved on your avatar lurkette!!! its FREAKIN me out!!!

as for college kid...i would like to tell you that you have plenty of time to recapture your missed college experiences...if you plan on embarking on the 7 year college plan, that is. concentrate on finishing up and getting into your career. if you wanted the real college experience, you should have known better than to do it from home. you really didnt miss much anyway. booze, drugs, pussy every night...i promise you, that shit keeps going after college.

gar1976

Get out of the house, find some off campus housing that's close to the dorms, and go nuts. Don't be a wallflower in class, start talking to the people next to you and tag along after class.

Good luck - it's not all bad!

tikki

geez, I am in my junior year of college w/ no friends and I am fine. Different strokes I guess...

__________________
Take notice. Take interest. Take me with you.

warmingup2prose

i'm an introvert, too, and i just graduated in may. the best way to meet people, in my experience, is to develop a routine and see who's around...then say hello. if you always see the same person after lit, smile at them. it sounds simple, but it opens things up. the other advice here is good, too.

most importantly, realize that you're someone worth being friends with. if you don't, others won't either. (see the people who've replied here? they'd be your friends, i bet. let that be encouraging.)

Anomaly_

I have met a few people in classes (it's pretty hard not to) but it just never goes outside of the actual class, i.e. study sessions, or chit chat about homework and the weather. I'll see them around campus next semester occasionally and say hi, and that's it.

I don't give it much thought itself but it has been an option lingering in the back of my mind for a while. I've read the "permanent solution to temporary problem" and "you're being selfish" arguments ad nauseum and I don't particularly agree with them. Maybe this is rationalization that needs counseling. Maybe it will go away if I become socially active again. I don't know.

Yeah, I think you're right that the small things make a difference. I appreciate all the advice as I'm trying to put things together.

cheerios

oh dear lord. if you're @ uop, come join ACM! we NEED new blood!! no new members == no funding == death of clubs. go find something fun! I go to a relatively small school, and we have all sorts of stuff. from a "Japanese Culture club" aka anime club, to ACM, which is a professional society for future Software Engineers, to cheerleading, to crew, to intermural sports, etc etc etc. it goes on and on. keep an eye out for those little notices they put up. especially in your major's department. Getting involved is fun, I promise!

twotimesadingo

Nobody's mentioned this yet, so I'll let you in a little secret.

The absolute best way to meet people is to act as a designated driver every Friday night.
A pal and I did it for freshman last year, and we would always have our gas tanks full and at least one vase of flowers in our room (gotta love girls). Sure, on the way back they're usually ripped, but on the way to the scene they're generally outgoing and enthusiastic. If you have a head on your shoulders and weed out the belligerents most likely to puke, it's actually a good time.

Just a thought.

__________________
I'll be the one to protect you from your enemies and all your demons.
I'll be the one to protect you from a will to survive and voice of reason.
I'll be the one to protect you from your enemies and your choices, son.
They're one and the same I must isolate you, isolate and save you from yourself."
- A Perfect Circle

yournamehere

One thing I think needs mentioning - if you are looking for a roommate near campus - make sure he is also a student and has a lifestyle compatible with yours. Unless you are very disciplined, I think that rooming with someone who is always partying or never has to worry about homework could be very distracting and counterproductive to the learning process.

Just my 2 cents.

Also, 25-year old Belushi films notwithstanding, being a party animal is not a prerequisite for fulfillment of the dollege exerience, as some have hinted.

Okay - 4 cents.

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If you want to avoid 95% of internet spelling errors:
"If your ridiculous pants are too loose, you're definitely going to lose them. Tell your two loser friends over there that they're going to lose theirs, too."
It won't hurt your fashion sense, either.

maximus

i live at home and went to a community coillege, and at the end of this summer i will have my 2 year degree and be done with it. man i am pissed that i did not go to a real school, but there is still time left. cant waite to be out...

__________________
i don't want to be lonely, i just want to be alone.

mrquackers

Anomaly, you're a pretty good writer, why not get involved with the college paper? People who hang around the pub suite usually turn out to be very social.

__________________
"If you're walking on thin ice, you may as well go ahead and dance."

dunkelhelmut

Join clubs on campus

My college life used to be absolute crap until I started joining clubs and fraternities. I used to make excuses not to join them, but now I regret that I didn't start earlier.

Ralvek

Live in the dorms, I did every year and had a blast. And although the TFP is great, try talking to people face to face, and I don't mean with a webcam.

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Ban country music, it promotes inbreeding.

Shades

So the dorm option is out because you're too old. That's still OK, you need to get out of the house. Get a single apartment, either a 1 bedroom 1 bathroom or an efficiency/studio. If that's not in the cards, look for a Co-op. I've never lived in one, but I know people who did and seemed to like it. A Co-op is kind of like a dorm, but everybody has to help do stuff in it like cook and clean.

However, you say that you're introverted, and I hear you. Indeed, I even so much as feel you knocking. I therefore would most highly recommend the single apartment, preferably within walking distance or on a bus route to campus. Besides getting you out of the house, which makes having any college experience possible, it will help raise your self esteem. When I started living alone and having to cook, clean, and generally do everything for myself, my self esteem rose a lot. Being self sufficient is a great place to start building a positive self image, and girls can really pick up on that.

I would recommed not worrying about a girlfriend until you have built up at least a non-negative self image. Until you are happy with yourself, you won't be happy with someone else. If it makes you feel better, I was 23 before getting into a relationship worthy of the name. Prior to that, there was a girl I took to prom and that was about it. The average marrying age is 28 for my generation (born in 1979) and it's getting longer all the time, and that's not even counting people who never get married. If you are worried about not hooking up, it isn't just you.

As for friends, I also had and have the same problem. My friends are now scattered to the four winds, and we do not meet so often as anyone wants. In town, I have my brother and one real close friend. There are some of the others you mentioned, class mates and so on. There are about 5 people I can just casually hang out with. How did I find these people? As many have pointed out, clubs. You're probably a nerd (like I am, and I suspect most people here are) and you don't really like clubs since in high school those were for the popular kids. I assure you, there are far more clubs for nerds in college than any other group. Start by joining your major's club (like the engineering club, or whatever). This is good because you will have a lot in common with the people in it from class but are still in a social setting. Also, your college has to maintain a list of all the clubs at the university. Find that list. It will be under Campus and Community Involvement or some such. Pick a club and show up. Like everyone says, they will be overjoyed that somebody new wants to join up.

tmricha

clubs are the way to go.

Anomaly_

Thanks for the advice Shades. You're right about independence being important regardless of the living situation (not including home of course). I agree I'm getting ahead of myself thinking about a girlfriend. I suppose I need to start liking myself, then make friends, and let things go from there. I'm not looking for a soul mate anytime soon but I still feel way behind the curve socially. I know if I can't change in an ideal social environment like college then the "real world" is going to be pretty rough.

I have seen the list of clubs and there are quite a few. None of them jumped out at me. Honestly, I'm not even sure what I like anymore. My hobbies and interests just seem lukewarm. I suppose this could be from lack of a social element with them. I know you're probably thinking " Is this guy certain of anything?" Maybe it's time to try something new?

pezking4

Clubs and sports always helped me meet new people and have fun doing it. I never lived in the dorms, so after the first year and still not having many new close friends I tried some new things. Much more enjoyable.

I actually met a lot of people on my schools forums too.

brad-va

joining social groups is a great way to go. Once you are around others, make sure you have a little intro for yourself, and go around the room meeting people. i have to remind myself to avoid sitting alone or talking to the same person all night. meeting many people will uncover those that are truly 'friend material'

__________________
-- If at first you don't succeed, try something else. You're obviously no good at that.

jbrooks544

It might not help to leap right into being a random roommate at this late stage. By Junior/senior year most groups of friends are well established and you might not have much luck. If you set yourself up for another dissapointment then that wouldn't help you. What about your highschool friends? I had some friends in college but I don't keep in touch with ANY of them now and I don't see it as any huge life lost. I still have 4 or 5 very close friends from High school. I have a few other newer friends that are awesome. You need to see a doctor about your depression if you think of suicide. Doctors are good and they will help you erase those unhealthy feelings. If you had life-threatening cancer would you go to the doctor? sure you would! Depression and suicide are no different. You need to be sure that you salvage your education first. Finish school and get a good job and find some new friends out in the world doing things that you enjoy.

jbrooks544

You know, I was just thinking... hear me out... The more I think about your situation the more I think that you might need to see a doctor. Any mention of suicide rings big alarm bells to me and tells me that you should find the help you need and deserve.

Right at your age, my brother started feeling similarly and it turned out he had a latent onset depressive disorder. By the sounds of it - if this is what you have, it isn't a bad one. These situations can very often be successfully treated with medication. If you think there is any shame involved in this or in seeking a doctor then please put it out of your mind - or if anyone in your family is more interested in "shame" or "what the neighbors will think" of you seeking help for this potential type of problem. This is a new era and people are finally losing the stupid, old fashioned stigmas attached to this kind of medicine. My brother was correctly diagnosed and given the right medications. He is now a perfectly normal, happy, social and productive person. You wouldn't know him from me, or anyone else on this forum - perfectly normal with the right meds. Unfortunately, when he first started feeling bad in 1979 they didn't have the wonderful knowledge and meds that they have now. He suffered and was tortured by this problem, along with me and the whole family, for at least 15 years before medicine and technology caught up and started treating him correctly. If I'm wrong, then I'm wrong, and you waste an afternoon seeing the doctor. If I'm right then you save yourself needless suffering and get yourself cured.

DelayedReaction

Anomaly, where do you go to school? It sounds like you go to a pretty big school, which is great.

Step 1: Get out of the fucking house. My parents made it very clear that I was to live in the dorms, and I agreed with them. In your case this means finding an apartment; check around. There are several places that will have openings before the semester due to people having to change plans.

Step 2: Get involved. If you're a gamer, hunt for a gaming club. TGC (Terrapin Gaming Club) at the University of Maryland basically saved my ass from being a dormroom shut-in without any semblance of social life. Think about your favorite hobbies from when you were younger, and try them out again. My roommate rediscovered how much he loved soccer that way, and now does intramural stuff.

Step 3: Stick with it. If you don't find the right club, look around for another. Make friends (it's never easy, but it will happen), and hang out with them. Life's a lot easier when you head out and meet with other people.

And if by some coincidence you go to the University of Maryland, let me know.

__________________
If ignorance is bliss, you must be having an orgasm.

Anomaly_

Well, the problem is that my education and social life go hand in hand. It's taken me awhile to realize this but it's true. One would think I would be doing well academically with all the spare time of having no social life but that is not the case. There's just not the motivation to do well. When I had friends a long time ago there was always kind of a sense of competition. I'm not doing too badly as grades go, but I should definitely be doing better. About groups of friends being established by Junior/Senior year; that is exactly what I think is reality and why I feel like such an alien on campus now more than ever. Deep down I hope this isn't entirely the situation though. I know I can't just keep waiting for the next stage in life to become social. And as for highschool, I had a group of friends/acquaintances that I hung out with but I never did anything outside of school with them. I see them occasionaly in college but it's just an awkward "Hi".

So with all things considered, you may be right about going to the doctor and/or getting therapy. I don't know how I would get around it without my parents finding out. They would flip (not in a bad way), especially my mom, wondering what's wrong. It's pretty personal and I don't think my family should be involved or know about it. That would be another good reason to get out of the house soon if I need that kind of help.

Anyway... I sincerely appreciate the advice from everyone even if I'm still confused.

djtestudo

Hey man, I know how you feel, as I have a similar life. All I can say is the best thing would be to get your ass out of your house. Live as close to your campus as you can. That way you can be near people you meet on campus.

Decide what you like to do and look for an organization involving it. For example, I work with my campus radio station broadcasting sporting events, and it has been the best part of my college life so far (and the main reason I keep wanting to go back).

Basically, just try your hardest to become as independent as possible, and go find things you are interested in. Sounds simple, but it is the most important part of your college life. More important then any degree you'll get.

DelayedReaction

Have you talked to your parents about it? Honestly they would be able to help you far more than we can. Everything from helping with your depression to moving out of the house; they deserve to know and can help you the most.

__________________
If ignorance is bliss, you must be having an orgasm.

irseg

Try to get on campus. I had a very similar experience, college was absolutely horrible because I either lived with my parents or rented an apartment, so I'd just drive to class and back without ever meeting anybody. Plus I hated college in the first place, so I'd never stick around beyond the absolute bare minimum time I had to be there. It was definitely the most depressing time of my entire life.

I ended up dropping out and going into the real world after 3 years, which is by far the best decision I ever made. I moved 1200 miles away, got a computer geek job that makes me happy, met a bunch of cool people, helped start a business on the side, and have so much cool stuff planned I can't even keep track of it all. I haven't missed a damn thing about school in the slightest. Not everyone is cut out for it.

Shades

Why not post a list of your interests and a link to your school's clubs so we can take a look and make some suggestions?

jbrooks544

Anomaly_

The main thing is to just try to put the next year or two of your life into perspective. I think a lot of kids in high school go through a similar phase/feeling, where they can't imagine how they will live another minute unless they are "popular" and not unpopular. Some kids get too wrapped up in this and they don't realize that a year or two later all that popularity adds up to a pile of poop. Frequently, the kids who spend all their energies being popular don't learn their schooling and quickly become unsuccessful or pregnant after high school. The kids who do ok in school, or who realize that most of their lives will take place AFTER school and WITHOUT their "friends". You need to buckle down and pursue your education. You need to identify the one, two or three things in life that you REALLY enjoy doing (or think you would enjoy) and set your goal to be able to do them as often as possible. In the large scale of things you need to gain the perspective that whether you have friends in the next year or two doesn't matter a squat for how the rest of your 60 years of life will go, or how happy you will be. Having a good education - being happy and/or successful in your career and making sure that you frequently do the things that you enjoy are all very important.

Chances are, that while you are doing all of that you will meet someone with like interests and you will make friends.

You need to see a doctor to be sure that you aren't suffering from a chemical problem that could be easily fixed with medication. Your suicide comment cannot be ignored and you at least want to rule it out.

Anomaly_

Shades, I've found some stuff. There is a LAN club but it's not explicitly for gaming. Boxing is a relatively new interest for me and there is a club for that. I couldn't find any links for intramural basketball but I'm positive it exists. I'll figure something out...hopefully.

jbrooks544, I think your bearing on me may be a little off. I'm not remotely concerned about being popular. I just want some good friends and the number of them is certainly not important. And about academics, I repeat myself; there is a direct correlation between extracurricular activity and academic success. I've found this to be true personally and studies have shown this. While I agree that friends do not magically complete a person, I think you're understating their importance. Maybe YOU don't have friends from college but I'm there now and I need to make the best of it. Remember, I don't have friends from high school either. Waiting and waiting for the next stage in life doesn't seem like a good idea. I hope this all doesn't sound abrasive but you have contradicted some of the advice the majority of posters have given and I'm just trying to draw some conclusions so I can make real decisions.

So far my priorities are:

- Move out of the house. Whether I need a random roomate or not, I'm not sure. The important thing seems to be independence at this point.

- Join a club or organization of some sort.

- Make a docor's appointment to see if there's something wrong with me.