irresponsible SO... thinking of ending it
 

I dearly love my SO, but am beginning to think that the irresponsible behavior is something I can't live with for the rest of my life. For reference, we have been together for over four years, and are planning engagement, marriage, and happily ever after. I think our relationship is healthy, but like in any relationship, you eventually realize that the other person has traits that might not be desirable... like nose-picking, maybe. And you have to weigh if that is tolerable long-term.

Lets take the most recent example of what I'm talking about when I say irresponsibility: Moving in and getting on the lease.

SO moved in with me in September 2010. I explained at that time that it was a violation of my lease to have a person there who was not accounted for by the landlady on proper paperwork. I downloaded the roommate application and wrote the necessary steps for SO to complete the task. SO kept promising to take the paperwork over to the office, but never actually did until February after much nagging and arguing. (that's 6 months to fill out a form, write a check, and mail it in or drop it off)

SO finally drops off the paperwork. But then I get a call from the landlady saying SO did not fill it out completely, or write the check. SO swears it will be done by a deadline. SO fails again at the task, and we have a HUGE fight, and I kick SO out and say SO may not communicate with me until the task is completed. (SO has a house in another city about an hour away, so there's no street living going on here).

SO comes to senses, pays the application fee, and everything goes back to rainbows and sunshine. Cue email from landlady: "Both of you sign, and please return attached paperwork for roommate addition." I wait to see what SO does... SO ignores the email for two weeks. I ask SO to please take care of this issue, as I am traveling for work and can't do it. SO swears it will be done before today (18 March). SO again fails the task, and today I get a nasty-gram from the landlady. :grumpy:

I really dislike this situation, because I'd like to keep a good relationship with the landlady, and I think SO's behavior is reflecting poorly on me. I'm beginning to think this drama isn't something I need in my life, and am seriously reconsidering continuing the relationship with SO. Am I over-reacting, or is my frustration reasonable? I don't understand why SO just cannot get it done, especially when SO has classes 3x per week only a few miles from the landlady's office!

Now, I recognize that I bear a good part of the blame in the rental situation, because I should have insisted that SO complete the paperwork FIRST, before moving in. However, this is a pattern in SO's life. (Hindsight being 20/20, of course!) Other examples of irresponsibility include forgetting to do job required continuing education and being sent home without pay until it was complete, and forgetting to file taxes on time last year and getting fined. FYI - SO is 40ish, so this apparent absent mindedness or apathy isn't going to change. Anyone else experiencing a similar situation? How do you deal? How do you know if its time to just cut loose?

How does someone function as an adult with these habits? Has everyone in her life enabled this behavior?

It seems that you did yourself a favor by watching how these things played out.

Yes, you would be making an excellently justified choice if you decide to kick her to the curb.

Yes, her irresponsibility will reflect poorly on you.

No, she will not change.

You've already shown that this ambivalence toward responsibility could be a deal-breaker. I'm sure you came here asking for ways to cope with such behavior in an SO, but I wouldn't last a week with someone like this. You haven't mentioned any redeeming qualities. She needs a fire lit under her bum. Sounds like you're the only person who is in a position to do so. If she does in fact have many redeeming qualities that you failed to mention, then I suppose this is something you could try to work with. But I won't recommend it. There is always someone else out there. If you're going for a life partner, I recommend choosing someone you can stand.

If trivia like paperwork is disturbing you so, she's not your "SO". So man up & deal.

Is it ambivalence towards responsibility, or a medical/mental health problem? The problems you've described suggest depression or adult ADHD to me (or both), but I'm not a mental health professional. The point is, if these are consistent patterns in your SO's life, they could be attributed to a deeper problem, and if you really care about this person, you will help them get the help they need.

Maybe its not necessarily her. Together four years and "planning engagement".
Sounds like you both like dragging your feet on major decisions. Or maybe she's just playing your game.

Does your SO smoke a lot of pot? He's acting a lot like I did during my weed phase.

I am thinking along the lines of Snowy. The person may be a complete flake it sounds much more like a disorder.

That said he/she must understand you have some unbreakable rules including being responsible even if it requires you to help him/her. Just make sure they are serious and since its been four years there should be no rush now.

Feel it out. Little things tend to break marriages down at an uncomfortable pace.

This seems like...a game or something. A huge fight where s/he's out and you're not talking, but filling out the form makes that go away? I mean, if you're fighting gets to that point, how can something so simple fix it all? Are there other things piling up here that aren't being addressed, other resentment?

Is it just me or do you care more about your relationship with the landlady than you do with the SO? :confused:

Actually, you may be onto something here. SO can be very hyperactive, and has also reported having problems in school as a child... Definitely something to look into further. I never thought it might be a medical problem. Thanks for the fresh perspective.

Yes, SO is an occasional weed user.

In both my marriages I was a procrastinator that drove both wives nuts. However neither one were saints in that department. I wouldn't say much except, when they would push me, then it would be me asking why they hadn't done their part. Not mature for either of us, nor was it healthy, hence EX wives.

This could also be you in that as you put it:

You wait and see what you SO does....... did you do your part? Maybe subconciously you are not prepared for someone living with you and this makes it easy to get out of the situation. "They don't live up to their tasks, I want to remain on good terms with the landlord soooooooooo they got to go." So what is more important, how your SO handles things or your relationship with the landlord? If it's your SO then you wouldn't wait 2 weeks, you'd make sure it got done, via being open and saying "if you can't do this then I think you have issues and am not sure we can continue."

If you care more about what your landlord thinks then unfortunately, ..... nothing your SO does will work. Maybe that's the problem your SO feels you value that relationship and your appearance more than them.

Or it could be as the relationship becomes more and more serious the 2 of you are noticing things you saw before but could in essence over look because both of you weren't living together. Now that you are and you have a more extreme closeness those "little things" are far more noticeable and you can't overlook them because that is not how you want your SO to be. In which case it's time to back the relationship up and maintain a distance.

My experience says you need to open lines of communication and tell your SO this, and in return they may say some unflattering things about you. But as long as you can communicate and progress is made by both sides, you should be okay. If progress isn't made and you have attempted everything, then end it because nothing will ever change, that is my experience.

In both my marriages we would argue over something we didn't like about each other and expect change and wait and wait and not see change and as we waited tensions rose and we'd have explosions. I was as bad as they were in this area.

Just my thoughts on the situation. Good luck.

Dude take a chill pill. I'd say you're the one being overly dramatic. But still if something as trivial as paper work bugs you, you probably owe it to both of you to break it up and find someone else.


hah, I'm sorry this is just amusing to me. My problem is I can't find a woman to connect with on my level. And you're complaining about paper work.

Well, it's not just paper work, it's NOT doing the paper work after being reminded about it over and over and over...you get it? It's like geewhiz why can't you just take care of what I've asked you to take care of? Like I said, it seems to be the pattern and general operating (or non-operating) mode and it scares me if my whole life with this person is going to require me to be the parent to the child.

TigerBlood,

Can you categorize respective genders. It's so distracting to not know if we are talking about a she or a he. We are all very accepting around here, so if it is a same sex deal, we don't care. Really.

In the event that you fear divulging that information will compromise your online identity, then feel free to withhold it. It just drives me crazy to read a thread where half the people use "she" and half use "he" because we don't know who we we are addressing.

As for the OP, this would probably be too irritating for me to tolerate in a partner.

Sounds more like parent talking about child who is not pulling it weight, rather than a meeting of equals who respect each other and each others feelings.