chelle21689

I met this guy through a mutual friend at my birthday party. He would call and text me every night for three weeks now. We'd make plans together on the weekends but it'd always be in groups (either his friends mine, or both). My friend did mention to him before introducing us that I just got out of a long term relationship. I'm wondering if he's just shy or if he's going slow out of respect for me??

I think I really like him...I think I'm over my ex. I wonder why we haven't been alone yet and why he hasn't touched me at all. Physical contact like playfully messing with me like a shove/push/tickle, arm around shoulder/waist, hold hands, or any of that.... =\

He does initiate a good night hug before we part each time though...I'm afraid I might have to be the one making all the moves cuz he thinks I'm not over my ex or something...so what should I do? I'm thinking about taking him by surprise with a kiss on the cheek after a hug

dlish

i say go for it.

There may be a few reasons why he's held back - one being that he doesnt know where you emotionally stand in all this after your breakup. But being a guy, i think all he needs is just a little nudge from you and he'll be all over it. Quite literally.

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I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
- Filthy

pan6467

I think your post gives you your answer. You may not like the answer though. You say "I think I really like him" and "I think I'm over my ex."

If you just think then he is probably respecting you. If you KNOW you like him and tell him then things may change. It's quite possible that you are giving mixed signals. Such as, do you speak of your ex much around him, do you try to show that you are open to his affections, do you talk about other guys, etc?

Being a guy and putting yourself and emotions out there without having any idea if they are shared is tough. Noone likes rejection. So yes, you may have to make the first move. But in doing so be careful that you just don't "think you like him and are over your ex" KNOW that you like him and are over your ex.

He just may feel he is that "rebound guy" and is too scared to do anything or say anything. If he is going out with you and friends, that makes a nice buffer zone.

Just my opinion, what do I know....lol. Been married and divorced twice in the last 7 years. One I love to this day it just didn't work, the other..... wellll......... I THOUGHT it was real and thought I was over another but as we walked down that aisle I knew it was a matter of time that wasn't fair to her or me.

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I just love people who use the excuse "I use/do this because I LOVE the feeling/joy/happiness it brings me" and expect you to be ok with that as you watch them destroy their life blindly following. My response is, "I like to put forks in an eletrical socket, just LOVE that feeling, can't ever get enough of it, so will you let me put this copper fork in that electric socket?"

jewels

Could be anything. Could be nothing.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. If you've been waiting for something, surely you've tried the subtle moves. Take his hand, caress his shoulder ... go with what feels right, not forced.

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Zeraph

If I'm holding back its out of respect.

You might try telling him not to worry about you. Then kiss him. Course be careful cause he might want more than a kiss

I personally love it when my date surprises me with a kiss. Shows confidence.

monkeysugar

Go for it. He's probably just being shy and/or just being respectful. Chances are he is in the same boat as you. Call him up and see if he wants to go do something with you...not a double date/group date.

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I've got the love of my life and a job that I enjoy most of the time. Life is good.

Baraka_Guru

Body language can communicate more than words. He's sending you signals that he's willing to leave you space. If you want to close the gap, use your own body language to signal that.

Do you touch him at all?

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

amonkie

Why does the guy always have to be the one to initiate?

If I've not been sure of the guy's intentions but know I would like to have more interaction, I've flat out asked if it would be alright if I gave them a goodnight kiss. I've never had someone say no.

Be the one to initiate the hug next time!

__________________
Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

Baraka_Guru

The guy doesn't always have to be the one to initiate; otherwise, I'd still be a virgin.

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

snowy

Amen, sister.

My husband is not a toucher. If I had sat around and waited for him to hold my hand, hug me, or kiss me, I'd still be waiting.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Cimarron29414

If you are both pretty involved in the circle of friends, he may be reluctant to start something up with you because, if it doesn't work out, he will lose some of his friends too. Friends always have to pick sides in these situations. So, he's probably making damn sure this has the potential to be a good, long-term relationship before risking that much.

Either that, or he's just not that into you.

I agree with others, go ahead and make the first move. My wife did.

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Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

ASU2003

I think the problem is, once a guy gets rejected, it is hard to continue any further with the relationship. And rejection hurts, so he won't try it until he gets signs from you that he won't be rejected.

Send him this article anonymously..

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MrFriendly

And I'd be tempted to say that that isn't a very mature group of friends.

To the OP, if he's anything like me he's probably keen as mustard but making up reasons in his head not to just come out and ask.

Like others said, make the first move and just see what happens, remember, you're responsible for your own happiness, if you want something that you think is going to give you that, bloody well go for it!

__________________
You are not a slave

Cimarron29414

...and when the relationship ends bitterly after two months...and the friends want to do a get together and chelle says, "I'm not going if <mystery guy> is going," like I said, that friend has to decide to go with the original plans and mystery guy, or do something else with chelle. Which is why many are cautious and don't want to risk dicking up the karma of a circle of friends by dating within the circle.

__________________
Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

amonkie

Girls don't like to be rejected either - I think that is why so many girls hide behind the security of letting the guy make the first move - there is a much lower risk of rejection if you're not the one putting yourself out there first.

It doesn't take much to move things from "just friends" to "hey I'm interested in you... lets see where this goes".

Do what feels natural to you. Some people move much quicker than others. As long as it isn't forced...what's the rush?

__________________
Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

MrFriendly

Hey, I'm not saying it's easy, but I was going off the finality of the wording of your post. I've seen very messy break ups where both parties were in the same friendship group and no one took sides and no one lost friends. It also depends on the nature of break up, of course.

But I know for a fact that people can be civil and mature and the dynamic of the group doesn't have to change much. It comes down to individual attitudes and peoples ability to get over themselves, really. Having said that though, I know damn well it isn't easy and it takes a lot of strength at times. It will always come down to what's most important to those involved.

__________________
You are not a slave

MeltedMetalGlob

Just my two cents' worth, from a guy's perspective: Perhaps he doesn't want to make any move that might offend you- speaking from personal experience, I've made a blunder or two in my day that pretty much killed the moment- I wasn't paying enough attention to the cues that were saying, "don't touch me just yet."

I support the "give him some encouragement" advice.

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chelle21689

the other night he asked me about my ex and it was a super awkward conversation but i think it was a good thing he asked. cuz tonight we hung out and he put his hand around my waist, held my hand, and was pretty flirty whew! i thought he was gay for a sec lol jk! had an awesome time

dlish

i think things are heading in the right direction for you chelle. that's good news. now it's up to you to take it where you want it to go!

ex talk is always awkward. how awkward is super awkward?

good luck.

__________________
An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere

I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
- Filthy

MrFriendly

As awkward as me voicing the desire to want to lick you? I mean, is it wrong of me to want that?

__________________
You are not a slave

citadel

What this guy said. If you're sending mixed signals, or there's confusion/doubt on his end, he's not going to jump right on it. Try being direct with him, something as simple as "I'm interested in you" could make him clearly understand the situation.

Zeraph

Yeah especially if you're young (you sound young OP)

Strange Famous

I guess most likely he is shy. I guess either one of you will have to make the first move or it will come to nothing.

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"Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate,
for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing
hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain
without being uncovered."

The Gospel of Thomas

chelle21689

Well, I'm 22 and I've had only dated one guy my whole life so this experience is super foreign and I don't know what to do and expect! This guy I'm dating has had 3 girlfriends, and his longest relationship was 7 months. I'm sure he has dated around but he's been single for a year.

It was very awkward! I really wanted him to open up about his past! He seemed like he wanted to know about mine but instead it was like he had nothing to say. I'm pretty sure he had a bunch of thoughts running through his head. I said, "Don't be afraid to tell me what you're thinking" and he said "I've got nothing else to say though." I asked about his exes, and he was very vague like "Oh a lot of the times they leave me for their ex/some other guy....it's not a good feeling" and I get the feeling he doesn't want to open about it.

The weird thing about this guy is, is that I can talk to ANYONE about anything and not have a feeling of connection with them. BUT THIS GUY, I feel like he needs to open up and even though he doesn't I feel very attracted to him personality wise. He's done a lot in life so it's like why can't you tell me more stuff?? Why can't you relate? We both have the same views. He'll just agree and give me a couple sentences why. That's it. It's like some days we click and some days we don't. WEIRD and confusing.. Idk if it's just him or if it's just us. Funny thing is, he seems to be really liking me and tells me how much he likes tlaking to me a lot.

amonkie

From your OP, you've been talking to the guy a month, at best. Talking EVERY night for an hour or more... slow it down a little!

When I think things are going too fast, I clam up. It is perfectly alright to give each of you some breathing room from time to time. It might give both of you a chance to process what you've talked about, and some people just need more time to dwell on things before they have questions or feel comfortable sharing things about themselves.

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Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

Scants

Interesting article, I've realised women don't like the nice guy approach but women sometimes give too many mixed signals or rather non universal signals. You know how many times I've tried to kiss a girl that seems to be giving signals? Or worse find girls giving the cold shoulder and stuff and then asking why I didn't kiss them or some such?

PBear9967

So, have you kissed yet, or what? I'd say go for it!

C

Scants

Of course I have...it's getting to that point in some cases that's a minefield

In some cases I so prefer my PS

MSD

First of all, don't ask about exes. Second, if you haven't already done it, just go for it and kiss him if you think there's any remote chance he might be hoping you will.

chelle21689

Hey, he asked about my ex!! So why can't I???

KirStang

Body language. Hug. Face close to his. Really Close. Let him finish with the kiss. Now. He has Touched you.

How long have the two of you been talking?

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MSD

You can always ask, but chances are you don't want to hear the answer.

citadel

If he doesn't want to talk about it, pushing could just push him away.

Yup.

What's a PS?

If you're talking and it comes up that's one thing, but if it's all you talk about he might think you're still hung up on the other guy.