Do you think it's selfish to request a few days off work in this situation? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

chelle21689 · 10-26-2010, 01:33 PM

I’ve worked for my parents since I was 14, so that’s about 6 or 7 years now. They own an Asian grocery store and it’s mainly family that helps out: my mom, my dad, me, my brother, my two other uncles. On Saturday another uncle from my mom’s side helps out and on Sunday my sister helps out.

One of the regular workers (my uncle) had to immediately leave for Thailand because his mom is dying of cancer and he’ll be gone for a month. The day he left, my parents left for vacation. They couldn’t cancel because he left in the last minute. So it was just me, one uncle, and my brother that were the main helpers for the 5 days my parents were gone without any help. Things went okay…I just had to work extra hour or two.

Anyways, I want to visit my bf that I haven’t seen in 2 months. He lives across the country in California. I won’t be having school for 5 days so I’d be gone for only 5. I’m just wondering if I leave, do you think they’d have enough help?

I mean when I’m here.. my mom just stays home and comes to work for two hours. My dad stays in the office, does some paper work and sleeps LOL.

So if I leave, my brother would have to work a bit longer (he’s so lazy anyways!), my mom wouldn’t stay home all day. I mean, when my parents were gone..there was only 3 out of the main 6 workers and it ran smoothly.

Do you think they’d be okay with just my dad, uncle, mom, and brother working?

The 5 days I’m gone, I have 2 days off anyways when I’m not supposed to work lol
Tues-Sun
Thurs and Sun I'm off anyways. I also have a Saturday off cuz she owes me a "work" day.

ASU2003 · 10-26-2010, 03:35 PM

Why doesn't your bf come to visit you?

I can't say for sure if the number of workers would be adequate, but having a good work-life balance is also important.

Cynthetiq · 10-26-2010, 04:28 PM

I'd say it is selfish.

It's only been 2 months, not like years.

tasineah · 10-26-2010, 04:45 PM

I need this bit of information before I give my opinion:

what would your family think?

kramus · 10-26-2010, 05:27 PM

Quick question - what is the "holidays" setup in this particular business? I know it is a small family run store, but there is a basic standard of 2 weeks per year of paid holidays when a person is new in a full-time job. That goes up with experience/seniority, but even part time shmoes flipping burgers for MacDonalds deserve a few days off in a row now and then. For example I was getting 6 weeks paid vacation per year in my last job before I quit - however that was after something like 24 or 25 years of full-time employment. And it was mandated (by the government as part of our national health directive) that I had to take at least 2 weeks of that accrued vacation time, and those 2 weeks had to be consecutive ones.

If you haven't taken 5 days off for yourself in a row for a while you are probably overdue. It doesn't matter what the reason is you want time off, or what you plan to do with that time. I don't care if you spend your holiday sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons for the whole time.

You do with your vacation what you will, it is no business of your employers no matter who they are or what their relationship to you is. That being said, you don't play hard ball with family, or hard ass with parents unless they give you no alternative.

I believe it is in your court, but as tasineah says we don't really have all the info to properly advise you. I do advise though, don't be a doormat. It is easy through nature and nurture to be overly accommodating towards parents and seniors in general, especially for Asians - a cultural strength that at times is misused and can really cost the individual.

Cynthetiq · 10-26-2010, 06:00 PM

kramus, I'd agree with you if it was a real employer/employee relationship but this is a family business. Family business and a grocery store at that, those normal rules do not apply for family members. What are you going to do call the Department of Labor on your family?

These kinds of stores don't have your normal work hours and schedules. When you want to go shopping for foodstuffs, you expect them to be open except for late at night or holidays like Christmas and New Years.

The_Jazz · 10-26-2010, 06:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cynthetiq

I'd say it is selfish.

It's only been 2 months, not like years.

Yes

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cynthetiq

kramus, I'd agree with you if it was a real employer/employee relationship but this is a family business. Family business and a grocery store at that, those normal rules do not apply for family members. What are you going to do call the Department of Labor on your family?

These kinds of stores don't have your normal work hours and schedules. When you want to go shopping for foodstuffs, you expect them to be open except for late at night or holidays like Christmas and New Years.

And yes.

This scenario doesn't compare to most work circumstances, particularly ones where there's a corporation involved. Under these circumstances, I think you just have to suck it up for now.

kramus · 10-26-2010, 06:29 PM

Yes Cyn, I acknowledged that it was a small family business, and a mom and pop Asian one at that - the family expectations are something a Westerner such as myself doesn't even begin to appreciate until you spend real time with an Asian family. And yes, a small family business has ridiculous hours for a minimal margin, because if you increase your margin the locals will go 2 blocks down and buy their goods for a penny less.

But you have to have a life outside of work. You need time to just recharge. Which is why I think it is important to move heaven and earth to set the precedent of getting regular time off. Without playing hard ball or hard ass until you are given no alternative. Mom and Dad can take a vacation. So can Daughter. And if they think she needs to wait until she has kids in their 20's before she can take a week away from the store, well, they will be discovering that there is a disconnect between their Old School expectations and the way life works where they have moved to. They moved to North America so both they and their kids could have a better life. The better life will include not working said children like indentured servants while they gallivant around the world, or even just gently show the folks back home how successful they've become in the New World.

My .02

---------- Post added at 10:29 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:21 PM ----------

I think it is very important for chelle21689 to hear a viewpoint that differs from the ones in the box she has been forced to live in her whole life. Cyn, Jazz et al have good points. But there are viewpoints and alternatives to chelle21689's life that she needs to hear expressed. I could easily tell her to suck it up, wait until she is a post-grad with a high-end articling position before she is able to take a week off. But she is a young human being as well as a drone working for the family store. Find a way to give her some slack, give her needs validation, let her know there is life outside of the store for gosh sake.

My .02 may not be much in this advice game we're playing, but I won't pull it off the table

Cynthetiq · 10-26-2010, 06:34 PM

No, when there is work to be done, there is work to be done.

I regularly put in 40 hours before I clocked out on Wednesday when I worked in the family garment business. I didn't get home until after 7PM every night at the earliest, usually around 9PM. I didn't have a life for 2.5 years while working for the family business. I worked Saturdays too sometimes clocking over 100 hours for the week.

Vacation? If I didn't work I didn't clock in. If I didn't clock in, I didn't get paid. There was nothing hard ass about it. It was just how it was for everyone who worked in the factory. This meant no vacation days and no sick days for anyone.

You mention vacation for the parents, sure, that was PLANNED. This is a spur of the moment, "I want to roll in the hay with my b/f because I haven't seen him in 2 months." I'm sure if she planned it, it wouldn't be such a big deal.

The_Jazz · 10-26-2010, 06:35 PM

While I agree with the "American Dream" ideal, the fact is that she could be leaving them in the lurch. She might not be. It's going to be impossible for any of us to tell, to be honest. There could be a holiday where sales will be way up during her vacation. There be a lull because school's going to be out at that time.

My point is that it's very difficult to answer this with the information we have. I agree with Cyn because she doesn't seem willing or able to discuss this with her parents/employers. Ultimately, that's who's going to make the decision here.

Cynthetiq · 10-26-2010, 06:41 PM

reading the OP again and chelle, you have to talk it over with them. They should decide if it's a good time for you to leave or can cover the schedule.

I had originally misread that your parents were also going to be gone.

It's up to them to agree that they can cover the store without you. If you don't like the arrangement, find a better job and give them notice. That's what I ultimately had to do in order to have the life I wanted to have. Best choice I ever made.

dlish · 10-26-2010, 08:25 PM

i think chelle needs to talk to her brother and see if he can handle it on his own.

the other option would be for you to buy the ticket for your boyfriend for him to come see you. you were going to spend that money on a ticket for yourself anyways.

if he has time off, then he cant say no to a free ticket.

chelle21689 · 10-28-2010, 07:01 AM

My brother and I talked and he said he didn't care if I left. Haha. My parents ALREADY took their vacation, so we would not be gone the same time.

If I leave, it'd be Tuesday-Sunday. But on Thursdays and Sundays I am off and I have Saturday off because I worked an extra day last week on my day off. The only times the store is busy is Fri-Sunday...which is covered.

Oh, and I did plan it. I just haven't told them yet because I didn't find the right time.

I was just thinking if they took a vacation and I handled the store well with just 2 other workers...than surely I can take a vacation myself for only 5 days when there would be more workers at the store to handle the business compared to when my parents left.

Strange Famous · 10-29-2010, 02:45 PM

No one can really make a sound judgment without knowing the whole situation - but asking your boyfriend to come visit you sounds like a good idea in the situation

cj2112 · 10-29-2010, 04:48 PM

Having your bf come visit is a much better idea.

This really sounds like you are trying to come up with reasons why your parents aren't allowed to be upset. If you want to go, you need to talk with them...like 2 months ago.

Xerxys · 10-29-2010, 07:04 PM

It isn't selfish. It's actually very practical and thought out. Cynth and Jazz just have bugs up there collective asses because "LIFE IS HARD (TM)".

chelle21689 · 10-31-2010, 10:48 PM

He can't visit due to military language school starting soon

dlish · 10-31-2010, 11:34 PM

one thing that doesnt add up here

.../head scratch

you're uncles mum (your grandmother) is dying in thailand, and your parents are going on vacation???

isnt at least one of your parents supposed to be paying their last respects to their mother?

seems odd.

I have a few thai friends, and their family structure is based around the strong bond between family members even if they live in other countries. Seems odd to me that your parents would take a vacation on the same day your uncle made last minute arrangements to see his dying mum.

back to the OP, how soon does your boyfriends language school start? im sure hed make arrangements to incorporate you into his schedule if you were there, in the same way that you'd probably do the same.

10-26-2010, 01:33 PM	#1 (permalink)
chelle21689 Tilted	Do you think it's selfish to request a few days off work in this situation? I’ve worked for my parents since I was 14, so that’s about 6 or 7 years now. They own an Asian grocery store and it’s mainly family that helps out: my mom, my dad, me, my brother, my two other uncles. On Saturday another uncle from my mom’s side helps out and on Sunday my sister helps out. One of the regular workers (my uncle) had to immediately leave for Thailand because his mom is dying of cancer and he’ll be gone for a month. The day he left, my parents left for vacation. They couldn’t cancel because he left in the last minute. So it was just me, one uncle, and my brother that were the main helpers for the 5 days my parents were gone without any help. Things went okay…I just had to work extra hour or two. Anyways, I want to visit my bf that I haven’t seen in 2 months. He lives across the country in California. I won’t be having school for 5 days so I’d be gone for only 5. I’m just wondering if I leave, do you think they’d have enough help? I mean when I’m here.. my mom just stays home and comes to work for two hours. My dad stays in the office, does some paper work and sleeps LOL. So if I leave, my brother would have to work a bit longer (he’s so lazy anyways!), my mom wouldn’t stay home all day. I mean, when my parents were gone..there was only 3 out of the main 6 workers and it ran smoothly. Do you think they’d be okay with just my dad, uncle, mom, and brother working? The 5 days I’m gone, I have 2 days off anyways when I’m not supposed to work lol Tues-Sun Thurs and Sun I'm off anyways. I also have a Saturday off cuz she owes me a "work" day.

10-26-2010, 04:28 PM	#3 (permalink)
Cynthetiq Tilted Cat Head Administrator Location: Manhattan, NY	I'd say it is selfish. It's only been 2 months, not like years. __________________ I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not. What's the best nation in the world? DO-NATION!

10-26-2010, 05:27 PM	#5 (permalink)
kramus loving the curves Location: my Lady's manor	Quick question - what is the "holidays" setup in this particular business? I know it is a small family run store, but there is a basic standard of 2 weeks per year of paid holidays when a person is new in a full-time job. That goes up with experience/seniority, but even part time shmoes flipping burgers for MacDonalds deserve a few days off in a row now and then. For example I was getting 6 weeks paid vacation per year in my last job before I quit - however that was after something like 24 or 25 years of full-time employment. And it was mandated (by the government as part of our national health directive) that I had to take at least 2 weeks of that accrued vacation time, and those 2 weeks had to be consecutive ones. If you haven't taken 5 days off for yourself in a row for a while you are probably overdue. It doesn't matter what the reason is you want time off, or what you plan to do with that time. I don't care if you spend your holiday sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons for the whole time. You do with your vacation what you will, it is no business of your employers no matter who they are or what their relationship to you is. That being said, you don't play hard ball with family, or hard ass with parents unless they give you no alternative. I believe it is in your court, but as tasineah says we don't really have all the info to properly advise you. I do advise though, don't be a doormat. It is easy through nature and nurture to be overly accommodating towards parents and seniors in general, especially for Asians - a cultural strength that at times is misused and can really cost the individual. __________________ And now to disengage the clutch of the forebrain ... I'm going with this - if you like artwork visit http://markfineart.ca

10-26-2010, 06:00 PM	#6 (permalink)
Cynthetiq Tilted Cat Head Administrator Location: Manhattan, NY	kramus, I'd agree with you if it was a real employer/employee relationship but this is a family business. Family business and a grocery store at that, those normal rules do not apply for family members. What are you going to do call the Department of Labor on your family? These kinds of stores don't have your normal work hours and schedules. When you want to go shopping for foodstuffs, you expect them to be open except for late at night or holidays like Christmas and New Years. __________________ I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not. What's the best nation in the world? DO-NATION! Last edited by Cynthetiq; 10-26-2010 at 06:09 PM..

10-26-2010, 06:29 PM	#8 (permalink)
kramus loving the curves Location: my Lady's manor	Yes Cyn, I acknowledged that it was a small family business, and a mom and pop Asian one at that - the family expectations are something a Westerner such as myself doesn't even begin to appreciate until you spend real time with an Asian family. And yes, a small family business has ridiculous hours for a minimal margin, because if you increase your margin the locals will go 2 blocks down and buy their goods for a penny less. But you have to have a life outside of work. You need time to just recharge. Which is why I think it is important to move heaven and earth to set the precedent of getting regular time off. Without playing hard ball or hard ass until you are given no alternative. Mom and Dad can take a vacation. So can Daughter. And if they think she needs to wait until she has kids in their 20's before she can take a week away from the store, well, they will be discovering that there is a disconnect between their Old School expectations and the way life works where they have moved to. They moved to North America so both they and their kids could have a better life. The better life will include not working said children like indentured servants while they gallivant around the world, or even just gently show the folks back home how successful they've become in the New World. My .02 ---------- Post added at 10:29 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:21 PM ---------- I think it is very important for chelle21689 to hear a viewpoint that differs from the ones in the box she has been forced to live in her whole life. Cyn, Jazz et al have good points. But there are viewpoints and alternatives to chelle21689's life that she needs to hear expressed. I could easily tell her to suck it up, wait until she is a post-grad with a high-end articling position before she is able to take a week off. But she is a young human being as well as a drone working for the family store. Find a way to give her some slack, give her needs validation, let her know there is life outside of the store for gosh sake. My .02 may not be much in this advice game we're playing, but I won't pull it off the table __________________ And now to disengage the clutch of the forebrain ... I'm going with this - if you like artwork visit http://markfineart.ca

10-26-2010, 03:35 PM	#2 (permalink)
ASU2003 immoral minority Location: Back in Ohio	Why doesn't your bf come to visit you? I can't say for sure if the number of workers would be adequate, but having a good work-life balance is also important.

10-26-2010, 04:45 PM	#4 (permalink)
tasineah Crazy Location: NE region of the united states	I need this bit of information before I give my opinion: what would your family think?

10-26-2010, 06:34 PM	#9 (permalink)
Cynthetiq Tilted Cat Head Administrator Location: Manhattan, NY	No, when there is work to be done, there is work to be done. I regularly put in 40 hours before I clocked out on Wednesday when I worked in the family garment business. I didn't get home until after 7PM every night at the earliest, usually around 9PM. I didn't have a life for 2.5 years while working for the family business. I worked Saturdays too sometimes clocking over 100 hours for the week. Vacation? If I didn't work I didn't clock in. If I didn't clock in, I didn't get paid. There was nothing hard ass about it. It was just how it was for everyone who worked in the factory. This meant no vacation days and no sick days for anyone. You mention vacation for the parents, sure, that was PLANNED. This is a spur of the moment, "I want to roll in the hay with my b/f because I haven't seen him in 2 months." I'm sure if she planned it, it wouldn't be such a big deal. __________________ I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not. What's the best nation in the world? DO-NATION!

10-26-2010, 06:35 PM	#10 (permalink)
The_Jazz Asshole Administrator Location: Chicago	While I agree with the "American Dream" ideal, the fact is that she could be leaving them in the lurch. She might not be. It's going to be impossible for any of us to tell, to be honest. There could be a holiday where sales will be way up during her vacation. There be a lull because school's going to be out at that time. My point is that it's very difficult to answer this with the information we have. I agree with Cyn because she doesn't seem willing or able to discuss this with her parents/employers. Ultimately, that's who's going to make the decision here. __________________ "They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin "There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush "We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo

10-26-2010, 06:41 PM	#11 (permalink)
Cynthetiq Tilted Cat Head Administrator Location: Manhattan, NY	reading the OP again and chelle, you have to talk it over with them. They should decide if it's a good time for you to leave or can cover the schedule. I had originally misread that your parents were also going to be gone. It's up to them to agree that they can cover the store without you. If you don't like the arrangement, find a better job and give them notice. That's what I ultimately had to do in order to have the life I wanted to have. Best choice I ever made. __________________ I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not. What's the best nation in the world? DO-NATION!

10-26-2010, 08:25 PM	#12 (permalink)
dlish Currently sour but formerly Dlishs Super Moderator Location: Australia/UAE	i think chelle needs to talk to her brother and see if he can handle it on his own. the other option would be for you to buy the ticket for your boyfriend for him to come see you. you were going to spend that money on a ticket for yourself anyways. if he has time off, then he cant say no to a free ticket. __________________ An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay? - Filthy

10-28-2010, 07:01 AM	#13 (permalink)
chelle21689 Tilted	My brother and I talked and he said he didn't care if I left. Haha. My parents ALREADY took their vacation, so we would not be gone the same time. If I leave, it'd be Tuesday-Sunday. But on Thursdays and Sundays I am off and I have Saturday off because I worked an extra day last week on my day off. The only times the store is busy is Fri-Sunday...which is covered. Oh, and I did plan it. I just haven't told them yet because I didn't find the right time. I was just thinking if they took a vacation and I handled the store well with just 2 other workers...than surely I can take a vacation myself for only 5 days when there would be more workers at the store to handle the business compared to when my parents left. Last edited by chelle21689; 10-28-2010 at 07:06 AM..

10-29-2010, 02:45 PM	#14 (permalink)
Strange Famous follower of the child's crusade?	No one can really make a sound judgment without knowing the whole situation - but asking your boyfriend to come visit you sounds like a good idea in the situation __________________ "Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate, for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain without being uncovered." The Gospel of Thomas

10-29-2010, 04:48 PM	#15 (permalink)
cj2112 Unbelievable Location: Grants Pass OR	Having your bf come visit is a much better idea. This really sounds like you are trying to come up with reasons why your parents aren't allowed to be upset. If you want to go, you need to talk with them...like 2 months ago.

10-29-2010, 07:04 PM	#16 (permalink)
Xerxys Junkie Location: My head.	It isn't selfish. It's actually very practical and thought out. Cynth and Jazz just have bugs up there collective asses because "LIFE IS HARD (TM)".

10-31-2010, 10:48 PM	#17 (permalink)
chelle21689 Tilted	He can't visit due to military language school starting soon

10-31-2010, 11:34 PM	#18 (permalink)
dlish Currently sour but formerly Dlishs Super Moderator Location: Australia/UAE	one thing that doesnt add up here .../head scratch you're uncles mum (your grandmother) is dying in thailand, and your parents are going on vacation??? isnt at least one of your parents supposed to be paying their last respects to their mother? seems odd. I have a few thai friends, and their family structure is based around the strong bond between family members even if they live in other countries. Seems odd to me that your parents would take a vacation on the same day your uncle made last minute arrangements to see his dying mum. back to the OP, how soon does your boyfriends language school start? im sure hed make arrangements to incorporate you into his schedule if you were there, in the same way that you'd probably do the same. __________________ An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay? - Filthy