soma

Ok, so girl problems.
1. Meet girl I randomly that I dated a few years back, we click, she's really into me
2. We start dating again around March, she's still really into me
3. Get's new job, starts school, meets new guys, she's still really into me
4. Gets to know new friends better, attraction fades slightly
5. Attraction is still there, but it's still not the same, and she's starting to complain about things like she's not happy with me.

It seems like the relationship is starting to slide into "she's not happy with me but doesn't want to deal with the guilt of breaking up with me, so she'll just start taking it out on me" phase. I feel like it might be better to cut my losses and end things.

anywho, your thoughts would be appreciated.

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Having Girl Problems?

Punk.of.Ages

It sounds to me like you're reaching the point in your relationship where things are starting to get semi-serious, at least. That means you've reached a point where she isn't just going to deal with the things you do that bug her anymore. She feels comfortable enough in the relationship that she can bring up some of her concerns. This isn't a bad thing. This is progression...

It's time to put your paranoia about the other people she's met aside and take her concerns into consideration. Decide if the things she's complaining about are legitimate concerns. If not, maybe she is just trying to bail without the guilt. Chances are, though, she just wants to evolve the relationship and work with you to make things as enjoyable as possible for both of you.

I have a limited view on your situation, but I'd wager she's just trying to communicate, and you getting defensive and paranoid would be about the worst way to handle that.

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snowy

At some point relationships have to be about more than attraction. Relationships based solely on attraction fizzle out unless there's something else behind it. There's a turn of phrase for what you're going through--"the bloom is off the rose."

Relationships are work, after all, not just fun and games. Looks like you need to sit down and talk this one out. As Punk said, defensiveness and paranoia are not the solutions here.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

soma

Alright, i think you guys are right about talking things out.
But as snowy said also, I feel that this relationship was based solely on attraction making me wonder if its even worth trying to fix.

I don't know, we'll see where things go

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Having Girl Problems?

PonyPotato

I find it strange that (at least based on your post) you are observing her behavior and her feelings toward you, but not at all analyzing how you feel about her or the relationship as a whole, nor are you talking to her about her concerns.

Being in a relationship requires participation, not just sitting back and watching while one person is entirely in control.

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"Without passion man is a mere latent force and possibility, like the flint which awaits the shock of the iron before it can give forth its spark."
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Plan9

Guilt? Head games? Abort mission, ghost rider. It's cutthroat but necessary. No more emo.

As said above, spectacular tits and the desire to slob your knob before breakfast doesn't make a great girlfriend (although this is open to debate at TFP).

I figure she is either playing diva or you're playing pussy. Neither is acceptable for adults. Cue up TFP Relationship Rule #1: Communication.

Something tells me you aren't talking about this with her. If you're not providing what she needs (great joke here about how women have no idea what the fuck they need) or she's just prone to being a big baby and enjoys the nagging... GTFO and cry later. If she's genuinely unhappy but wants to make it work, you're either not being receptive or not invested enough in the relationship to do your part. Or you're like I've been a few times... completely clueless. Women aren't as easy to please a men. They have feelings.

Also: How do you justify your list? And what do you have in common with this girl that keeps the relationship going?

I don't want to hang tags on you because I'm just another douchebag with a room temp IQ, but your history of recreational drug use, taste for video games, and your youth may be a part of your problem regarding the selection of partners. You have to be an adult to attract adults. For a hot hookup? Go with whatever floats your boat.

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soma

I'm attracted to her in other ways too beyond the physical
anyway, we hung out again today and she just didn't seem into it. she was late more than a half hour, which is unusual, and while she didn't really say anything negative, her body language was.

she was coming over from one of her guy friends place. I don't suspect they're sleeping together, but it seems like she enjoys spending time with him more.

I don't want to talk to her about it because i think I'd just come off as crazy and needy.

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Having Girl Problems?

snowy

Uhhh, well, if you're not comfortable talking about your needs in a relationship, then you probably shouldn't be in one.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

surferlove007

You guy have been together since March...so coming up on the 6 month mark. At that point I usually decide if I'm going to make a go of it with the person or not. If you're feeling iffy and the attraction is starting to dissipate then make a logical decision and go from there. There are a lot of other people you're bound to "click" with.

I'm having a similar problem...although mine doesn't stem from losing attraction, it's more of my BC is diminishing my sex drive and now my bf thinks I don't want him anymore. *sigh* A loss of attraction is harder to fix than a low sex drive though.

Either you feel it, or you don't. *hugs*

Baraka_Guru

I disagree. Unless, of course, *I* shouldn't be in a relationship.

What's important is to somehow see to it that your needs are being met. In many (if not most) instances, meeting your needs in a relationship will simultaneously meet the needs of your partner. I've experienced it several times where simply taking initiative and getting what you want out of the relationship will strengthen it overall. You often want the same things.

Some of us aren't built or trained to talk about our feelings and needs, but that's okay; it's not necessary to. Actions speak louder than words, and words are often just talk---sometimes just repeating what you heard on a tv show or movie, or perhaps something you've read in a book on relationships.

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Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
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snowy

This is true, but it sounds like soma isn't very interested in taking action, either. Either action or words will suffice in getting needs met, so you could revise my original statement to read: If you aren't willing to take action to get your needs met, or talk about what you need, then perhaps you should reconsider being in a relationship.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Wes Mantooth

I don't think there is really enough info to really make a judgement either way but from what you've posted maybe it is time to cut your losses and move on. Sometimes relationships just plain old cool down and the spark that once existed fades into just being comfortable and neither person (like you put it)wants to bother with the guilt or the drama of breaking up. Both parties start meeting other people, new attractions develop that are more exciting and a ridiculous game of "lets see how long I can go without cheating on this person I don't really like anymore anyway" starts up.

Sure if you feel like this relationship is worth saving you could put in the time and effort and give it the old college try...but in my experience its kind of a gamble, either it works and things heat back up or it falls apart anyway and you feel that much worse when it does because you've recommitted when she hasn't. Never the less as others have said try telling how you feel if you're really bothered by whats going on, of course things go to the shitter if you just sit quietly and watch her slowly drift out of your life.

Personally I'd just read the writing on the wall and tell her to fuck off (unless I felt like something VERY meaningful exists that is worth saving)...but then again I'm thirty and very single...so yeah take that advice for what its worth.

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Manic_Skafe

Grow a set and either pull the plug or attempt to salvage however much of a relationship you two may have left. She may or may not have cheated on you but at least she's being proactive by expressing her dissatisfaction with your relationship rather than watching it all fall apart.

If you're generally concerned with your happiness then do something about your relationship.
If you want her then let her know that you're willing enough to fight through these tough times to give her what she wants, to express your needs and make your relationship work.
If you think you deserve better than to be cheated on then live as if you do and stop providing her with all the incentive she'd need to go outside of your relationship.

You've lost your sense of self and you've forgotten all of the responsibilities you signed up for when you agreed to be her partner. Decide what you want and then do something. It's time to nut up or shut up.

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snowy

Great post, Manic.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

soma

Ok, let's do a quick update

My GF and I had a chat about our relationship. We shared what we felt about each other and ourselves, and it was pretty good. I think I was being overly emotional at the time I started this thread, but I figured out what I was doing wrong (this was completely independent of the relationship talk we had).

I thought the lack of attraction on her end was the problem when it was actually a symptom of a much greater problem. Since I started dating this girl, my life slowly but surely changed from happy and single, to dependent and paranoid. In other words, I was becoming incredibly needy and emotional (worst of all, I didn't even realize what was happening). On her end, she started meeting new people at school and work, and I wanted to keep her all to myself. I've come to realize that in a relationship, when one person becomes needy, and the other person does not, this can create an enormous amount of tension, and this is exactly what was happening. I've always known about the dangers of neediness, but didn't take a step back and consider how deep in I was.

Starting earlier this week, I made a big effort to start hanging out with my friends more, and boy what a difference it made in my attitude towards my relationship and feelings for my GF. It also seemed to respark her attraction towards me in a big way. We hung out again that week and it was like things were brand new between us. Hopefully I continue on this path and maintain a healthy relationship with her and my friends.

This is how I see things now:

Phase 1: Start hanging out with GF more and more
Phase 2: Fall in love, want to spend more time with GF
Phase 3: Hang out with friends much less frequently
Phase 4: Expect same undivided attention in return from her

<- Original post here

Phase 5: Conflict, breakup
Phase 6: Try to rebuild past friendships while broken hearted (this blows)

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Having Girl Problems?

snowy

Sounds like some good, proactive conversation took place. I think open communication is a good habit to get into. And yeah, you can't rely on your SO for your social life all of the time. It's great to have an SO who is also your best friend (I am so lucky!) but at the same time, they can't always be there--and then what?

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Tactix

yeah, finding new friends can do that. When my wife started spending more time with friends than me, I knew things were doomed. I guess its better to find out sooner than later, when it costs big $$ to break up.

FelixP

Not to oversimplify your situation or anything, but females tend to complain. Alot. Listening to it is part of having a girlfriend.

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Wes Mantooth

Okay, maybe the following observation is why I'm single, but something about this whole scenario bothers me a little.

Often times in a relationship one person might be doing something they're completely oblivious to (as the OP writes in his update), its not on purpose but it happens. The other person realizes this and yet seemingly does NOTHING to fix the relationship, instead opts for (what I assume) are head games until things spiral out of control and get weird. If she valued the relationship and respected him shouldn't she have made a move much earlier to talk about it instead of all the complaining, showing up late ect? I'm not saying the OP doesn't have a responsibility to fix his own problems but if a relationship is a two way street why didn't she make a move to fix it?

Really its an honest question...or observation I've always wondered about when this scenario plays out.

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