Wes Mantooth

I thought I'd post this because I needed a little perspective on a recent situation...and you fine folks seem right chock full of good advice so maybe you can help me out a bit.

I started seeing this girl about a month and half ago. It started simply enough as a meeting through mutual friends and...well you guys know how relationships develop. Anyway about 2 weeks ago she started spending more time at my place, which was great. Shes incredibly smart, we share a common sense of humor and if I do say so myself she's quite attractive...what could possibly go wrong?

A few nights ago she came over carrying some take out and a few movies, I guess she had planned a night in without asking me. Normally I'd love a nice surprise like that unfortunately I'd already had a prior commitment to sit in with a band that needed a bass player for a night. I'd set the gig up almost 2 months prior to return a favor for helping me out of jam with one of my own shows. I know I told her about this job, we'd talked about it the previous evening over dinner and she knows I keep a very odd schedule with all my jobs.

I initially thought she forgot about my gig that night, so I gave a her a hug and thanked her for the nice thought but told her I really couldn't back out of this commitment, I needed the money and I think its wrong to go back on your word. She counters by asking me why I need to hang out with my friends all the time and not her. I reminded her that I actually do this for a living and it would be wrong to let down the rest of the band, but told her we could spend all weekend together if she wanted. She starts raising her voice and going on about needing to rearrange the priorities in my life and how I don't need to keep "going out" all the time. At this point I'm getting a little angry, told her she was being ridiculous and I needed to go to work, I grabbed my keys, told her she was welcome to hang out as long as she wanted and I'd be home later. She proceeds to overturn all the Chinese food, throws the movies in my trash and stands there glaring at me...at that point I told her to just get out.

I mean am I missing something here? During the time I've known her she seemed very down to earth, never minded the odd hours I keep and know all about what I do for a living. I keep thinking I overreacted and should have handled the situation better, maybe I'm just being my usual insensitive oblivious self and some glaring obvious thing is just going right over my head. It was a nice thought, maybe she just forgot about my gig, felt embarrassed about it and the whole thing just escalated? I have been a little busy lately and maybe haven't dedicated as much time as I should...but is that really her business this soon in the relationship? Truth be told ever since I moved about a year ago I've been a little lonely, I have lots of friends but I've missed having a girlfriend...and after coming so close I'd hate to just throw it all away on a misunderstanding...on the other hand it was a juvenile thing to do and I'm not so desperate I'm going to put up with someone throwing temper tantrums and telling me how to spend my time.

Any ideas guys? I've been thinking about calling her and talking it out...but also thinking about just walking away from it. Any advice here would be great.

Sorry for the long post and thanks for reading.

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Lucifer

Walk away before it gets worse, which it will. If she is overreacting this early after dropping in on you without warning, she is unstable and looking for a victim to have her meltdown on.

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I am a brother to dragons, and a companion to owls.
- Job 30:29

1123, 6536, 5321

ratbastid

If you keep seeing her, you need to establish some ground rules. And not just your rules, you need to have a conversation where you both get to say out loud what you need and want out of your relationship.

This is a classic confrontation of mismatched expectations, is all. You just need to get your expectations aligned.

little_tippler

err sounds to me like she was playing nice to start with but now decided it's time to set things straight and show you who's boss. Seems like a total overreaction to the situation and unreasonable as well. I'd think it over, whether that was a one off or not. I think it sounds like she's only now showing her true self. I'd probably tell her it's over and move on.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

Lady Bear Cub

If you really like her, try calling her and talking about it. If she doesn't realize she has overreacted then move on.

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"I give myself very good advice,
But I very seldom follow it,
Will I ever learn to do the things I should?"

Baraka_Guru

Woah, wait.... you've been seeing her a month and a half, and she pulls this?

Dude, walk away.

I was in a relationship like this once. I didn't walk away. I paid for it dearly, and in many ways I still am.

She's being manipulative and doesn't care about your priorities or your responsibilities to others. It's about her. Not "us." It's about her.

Walk away.

I know I'm biased because of my experience, so take my advice with a grain of salt.

People like that don't tend to change for the better. Christ, you haven't been seeing her for two months yet. How do you think she'll be in two years? She's already trying to wear you down.

There are far more pleasant and influential ways to get a guy's attention; I'd say she's either psychotic or immature (likely both).

So, yeah, walk away.

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

Hektore

Dumping food out all over the place is something a two year old does. It is not an appropriate behaviour for an adult, ever.

She wants to act like a child? Treat her like one - by not dating her.

__________________
The advantage law is the best law in rugby, because it lets you ignore all the others for the good of the game.

dlish

dude...

This is your career, and she's asking you to choose to not work and ridicules your profession at the same time by calling it 'going out'

sounds like a classic example of GTFO is in order

__________________
An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere

I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
- Filthy

Toaster126

You should bring up everything you posted about with her, and not us.

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"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

Wes Mantooth

Thanks for the advice all, I really appreciate it. Sometimes a little perspective from strangers can really help a lot.

I agree with the consensus here, time to move on. I think I was just over thinking the whole thing, pulling such a personality 180 on me caught me off guard and I felt like I was missing something. To go from such a carefree casual relationship to having to suddenly "prove my worth" (along with about a dozen other things from this confrontation) just really rubbed me the wrong way especially so early on in the relationship. I might be able to work through something like this from a girl I've made a serious commitment too...but a 6 week casual relationship...yeah.

I'll give her a call this weekend and see if she wants to talk...and I guess unless there is a darn good reason for acting like this (I can't imagine one) I'll just break it off.

So netflix movies in the trash? Return them or throw them away and make her pay?

Really everyone, thanks for the advice.

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Jetée

Even though I am of the mind that she was very immature in the manner in which she acted (based upon your viewpoint of how this scene unfolded) but I also see the rationale in bringing this situation back up because no self-respecting adult should be allowed to act in such a way and not be called out on it.

People fight. Disagreements happen to every person in the world that lives in a social setting. It's up to you to respond in manner befitting.

(mostly) Everyone else's initial reaction to 'just walk away' indeed may be seen as the simplest and mess-free response to the tirade, but really, it's not up to us to think of how you should handle it; if you want to be the bigger person in this dispute, I think calling her and trying to get her to understand, your prior commitments and that you had a life before her, and will most certainly have one after her (and what could be your tenuous relationship with her) might be the most 'optimal' scenario. Seeing as neither one of us can confirm her status of sanity, and the tether to which it holds in her mind; I think just saying 'bye, no explanations', is not a good option for someone willing to throw such emotions about a mix-up over a date engagement. She already knows where you live. Let her down easy (if you're going to) and tell her you need someone more your speed and maturity.


In my opinion of the very limited scenario of what had occurred, she may be very immature for her age, (I initially wanted to ask what was her age, but regardless, that is a total overreaction for any person, no matter the age) somewhat spoiled in regards to prior relationships she's had, and what she had come to expect as a result, and finally, she probably watches way too much TV/movies. That kind of reactional emotional blow-up is unbelievable, and what I thought was strictly reserved to Fresh Prince of Bel-Air-kind-of shows.

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As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world (that is the myth of the Atomic Age) as in being able to remake ourselves.

—Mohandas K. Gandhi

Plan9

What? Give an example.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Wes Mantooth

She's 27 You last paragraph kind of sums up how I feel, it was just such an extreme reaction to a regular everyday scenario. I had gotten the feeling along the way that she was a little on the immature side but not enough to make a big deal over, so I was quite shocked when it all escalated so quickly. I've really never seen anything quite like it.

Thanks for the advice about calling and breaking it off as well, I found it very helpful.

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inBOIL

Return them to her. Yes, it's not your responsibility to do so, but it will result in far less hassle/drama for you.

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And you believe Bush and the liberals and divorced parents and gays and blacks and the Christian right and fossil fuels and Xbox are all to blame, meanwhile you yourselves create an ad where your kid hits you in the head with a baseball and you don't understand the message that the problem is you.

Jetée

It was an off-the-cuff example, but miraculously, I found a clip that mirrors this situation quite eerily: start at the 3:20 mark, going gets good at 3:42.

(I also finally learned how to link to a specific time-cut in youtube. hip-hip-hooyay for "the more you know")

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As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world (that is the myth of the Atomic Age) as in being able to remake ourselves.

—Mohandas K. Gandhi

Wes Mantooth

Yeah I was going to, I was just being a bit tongue in cheek about that.

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Jetée

PS:
Also, as a result of listening to this Fresh Prince of Bel-Air clip for longer than I should have (it's playing right now at the part 'Aunt Viv' give her hard-knocks speech), you may also want to think about whether your current girlfriend may be emotionally-stunted and/or has more "relationship baggage" than you were previously aware of; also a good reason not to get on her bad side, because as I've heard entirely too often, it's as a result of the unsuspecting boyfriend that a girl with history snaps and stick a fork in your eye, even though you probably only commented on her shoes.

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As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world (that is the myth of the Atomic Age) as in being able to remake ourselves.

—Mohandas K. Gandhi

Wes Mantooth

That's good advice Jetée, I was just thinking maybe I opened myself up a little more then I should have so early in the relationship...perhaps I should have gotten to know here a little better before inviting her into my life and home. Live and learn I suppose.
Oh and that Fresh Prince clip is a little eerie...wow.

Any advice from people a little more knowledgeable about this subject then me, could something like this be a symptom of a disorder like bi-polar or something along those lines? If so would it be appropriate to ask her about it?

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Jetée

This situation's dramatics, originally written and starring WesMantooth's girlfriend, could have been set in motion by a number of things:
maybe she thinks you two are already 'serious', unbeknownst to you, and whatever signals she's picked up from you thus far; as chauvinist as it may seem of me, maybe she was punching her one 'on my period / hormonal rage' ticket every fertile/pregant/hot flashing woman gets each month or so, and she explains that as the reason for knocking over tables and crushing Japanese civilians; also, she may received some devastating new earlier in the day, like perhaps her pet cat got caught in the dish disposal and then she hit 'on', or she now has a creepy intern that stares at for hours on end at work, and finally comes "home" to her boyfriend, but sees you'd rather spend the night playing rock band with friends (I'm still on your side, though - these are just hypothetical explanations I'm offering here).


Best advice:
be upfront with her this weekend (especially now that I remember that America's-commercialized-day-of-investment-time-stamp, Valentine's Day, is tommorow) and ask her what the real deal was about the other night. Do you act that way around family? Once again explain your prior commitments in which you made and felt obliged to acomplish, especially to someone who would question your motives about it, and make her understand that such dramatics over trivially, nothing, will no longer be tolerated on your part. It's somewhat like dog-training in that if you don't set the ground rules, and don'ts, it will keep happening over and over again. I'm not sure how you would feel about being remembered (or mourned, worst-case scenario) as the guy who dumped the girl on V-Day, but let's just see what happens if you successfully make-up your affair; maybe you'll acquire an incredible night of passion! (or maybe just another day in which you didn't feel pressured into dropping multiple bills for chocolate and flowers, as mandated by the school system / society at large).

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As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world (that is the myth of the Atomic Age) as in being able to remake ourselves.

—Mohandas K. Gandhi

snowy

Yes, the situation sounds like it calls for a perception check, and from there you can decide what to do.

How to do a perception check:
1) Describe the behavior you saw: "You dumped Chinese food (wherever) and threw the movies in the trash can after I told you I intended to follow through with my plans."
2) Give your interpretation of the behavior. "That seemed like a really (whatever) way of handling the situation."
3) Ask for clarification. "Can we talk about it? I want to hear your side of things."

Ultimately, you need more information before you write this one off as psycho, though it may turn out that way.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

telekinetic

I'd have a serious problem if my wife of 3 years pulled a stunt like that...if a girl I was dating 40 days tried it, she'd be done.

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twisted no more

Plan9

What the hell, Yowl? This is giving into the desires of the whiny brat by allowing justification or at least placating their need for attention.

This is some girl he just met, not his wife. Dude doesn't need to clarify an adult temper tantrum, he needs to kick her to the curb and find an actual adult.

She cannot possibly justify her behavior and he should not let her attempt to do such. Flush this turd, Wes.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Wes Mantooth

Wow, good stuff all! Thank you again, very much for the time and advice.

One of the complications here is we both know a lot of the same people, so I'm trying to be a little more delicate with the whole thing then I normally would. I just don't need to be the epicenter of unneeded drama and division. I know I'm going to run into her again, and I'd rather not have it be awkward or creepy.

Anyway I just called her, she didn't answer so I left a message asking if we could talk and to call back if she wanted too. I'm not going to stay in a relationship with her...just too many red flags too early in the relationship, but I think I'll try to smooth it over a bit and part on good terms. I guess the ball is in her court at this point.

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Plan9

Mmm, yes, go for the sloppy breakup blowjob and then change your cell number.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Xerxys

Jetée

Did he write that on the whiteboard just second before, or was he actually conducting a meeting with that seen throughout?

I think I answered it myself seeing as I catch a glimpse of the marker in his hand.

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As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world (that is the myth of the Atomic Age) as in being able to remake ourselves.

—Mohandas K. Gandhi

Wes Mantooth

HA! You nearly made me spit beer all over my keyboard! I'll keep that in mind, I may have to tweak my strategy a bit but I think I can pull it off.

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MSD

I say stick with it for another month and take bets on whether this was an immature outburst or if she was just really good at hiding the crazy. From the thread title alone, I assumed you were yet another guy to discover borderline personality disorder the hard way, and even though it seems less likely after reading the post, I've heard plenty of stories of people who seemed normal for a month or two, then let it all show.

Plan9

That Chinese food... it's still good. Mind if I have it?

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

wooÐs

Hate to say this but we're only hearing half of the story.

Oh, and kudos for not posting the thread anonymously. I can easily picture this thread being one of those.

Toaster126

Oh, yes. I would love to hear how a grown-ass woman justified knocking over all the food and throwing the movies in the trash to herself.

__________________
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

Wes Mantooth

I'll definitely take that into account, thanks for the info. Not sure how I'd want to move forward if it is the case...I'd feel like kind of a jerk for throwing somebody out of my house for something they can't control...but I'm not sure if its something I'm ready to live with either.

Anyway nothing new to report yet as I'm still waiting for her to return my call. So I guess if she doesn't want to talk then it sort of just resolved itself.

Thanks again all for the time and advice I really do appreciate it.

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PonyPotato

She's probably embarrassed.

I have had a few outbursts with my current SO, thanks to hormonal birth control. Crying fits, basically, or similarly immature behavior. Since I'd had a very good summer (emotionally) when I hadn't been on birth control, and had a pretty good start to the fall before I went back on it by his request, we tried quitting it.

And now he never wants me to go back on hormonal birth control. I was essentially a different person, and I don't exhibit that ridiculous behavior anymore. It is REALLY embarrassing to see and feel yourself responding to something in an absolutely crazy manner, but not be able to stop the trainwreck. She's probably too embarrassed to talk to you, knowing that you probably want to throw her to the curb.

Now, it's not a given that she IS crazy due to hormones.. she may be nuts on her own. I know that I never tried to thwart my SO's plans by making up some of my own and throwing a hissy fit when he said he needed to go somewhere - I would have just pouted and been anxious instead. In my birth control days, anyway. Now, I am able to find a way to occupy myself and tell him (honestly) that I hope he has a good time.

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"Without passion man is a mere latent force and possibility, like the flint which awaits the shock of the iron before it can give forth its spark."
— Henri-Frédéric Amiel

Plan9

Exactly what half are we missing here, lady? Typical plot device? You just gave the guy credit for not posting anon ("being a man") and yet somehow you're ripping him down for posting as himself because you think he's leaving out details because he's One Of Them ("man assholes").

Plot device I predict: Men can be callus pricks. Women can be emotional carbombs. Mel Brooks makes money off this in scads.

I'm guessing Wes was doing his thing and he walked into a carbomb. Let's not diss the guy for being open.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Wes Mantooth

Haha thats a good description there Plan9, carbomb indeed!

But I do understand what Woods is saying, I post in these advice threads from time to time and always wonder if I'm only responding to half the story. He said, she said I suppose. Its no big thing.

PonyPotato-

Thanks for the input. I honestly hadn't thought of it being just hormonal, that's very possible. I'll keep that in mind if we get a chance to talk again.

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Cimarron29414

You are about 4 weeks away from having a rabbit boiling on your stove.

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Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

Jinn

Fixed that for you.

Another vote for "turning over all the food is what a 2 year old child does." Unless you particularly like years of helping someone learn what proper adult behavior looks like, your best bet is to indicate your dissatisfaction with her behavior and walk away.

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"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

Iliftrocks

Run, don't walk away. She doesn't need to explain anything, there is no sane explanation for acting like this.

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bill hicks - "I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out."

dlish

theres a movie i recall..

y'know.. the one with michael douglas and the chick with the frizzy blonde hair...

FATAL FUCKING ATTRACTION!!

ill say it again..tell her to GTFO...and get a restraining order if you must. stop calling her and post her videos to her.

change your identity, new passport, new diguise, grow a beard...any harrison ford movie will do you a world of good, just watch your back.

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An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere

I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
- Filthy

Hektore

It's all well and good to let her blame it on hormones/birth control/psychosis/whatever, but if you let it go at that, it turns into a sort of get-out-of-jail free card for her to pull this shit again in the future. You'll just be opening the door way too widely for her to have a meltdown whenever she feels like it.

Unless there was some catastrophic series of overwhelmingly stressful events (her dog died, along with her dad and brother in a tragic car accident that she discovered mere minutes after losing her job) that caused the meltdown, the sort of thing that just can't happen again, I would consider this little outburst the tip of the iceberg.

Run away.

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The advantage law is the best law in rugby, because it lets you ignore all the others for the good of the game.