Is it cheating? What's the proper way to react? HELP!!!
 

So, my boyfriend a little over 2 years took my laptop with him on a business trip and I'm using his computer. I wanted to post something on craigslist and I was searching for the right picture to upload on the ad. I came across a picture of a chick with a pierced tongue licking her pierced nipple. All you can really see is the bottom half of her face and some hair...but you can't really tell who it is. From the info I found out that it was emailed to him almost a year ago. However, there is a chick that he made friends with on WOW and they email each other every once and awhile. I truly believe that it is her. From her myspace picture...same hair and lot's of piercings. I've seen a couple of her emails to him over his shoulder. She has a stupid pet name for him. She says that she misses him (he doesn't play WOW anymore) and does those obnoxious <3 hearts and xoxos. What REALLY pisses me off is that the 'see you next Tuesday' knew that he had a girlfriend when she sent the picture! The only thing keeping from freaking the @!## out is the fact that she lives almost 800 miles away and she's married. But still.....that doesn't stop everybody. Is this cheating or a precursor to it or just harmless?

Basically, I know I have the right to be upset....but how upset.... Is this a big enough deal to go off on him when he gets home? I don't even know what to say. I'm in love with my boyfriend and I don't want to lose him, but I don't know how to deal with this. What if we get in a huge fight? We live together and I don't have anywhere to go and I'm unemployed and I don't have a car. If I lose him.....I will lose EVERYTHING. He gets home in 2 days. I would appreciate some help, especially a male perspective.

How did you come across the picture exactly?

How do you have access to his email?

It might not be "cheating" per se, but it certainly sounds like it's a bit less than completely faithful. Cyber issues can be confusing.

If it bothers you enough, you need to eventually talk to him about it. Be prepared to come clean if, in fact, you've been "snooping."

Don't let this fester.

:hmm:

You don't trust him and it seems he's done something untrustworthy. Ask him about it when he gets home and go from there.

There's always the option of not freaking out and talking about it like two adults.

Yes, I want to act like adult. I just am unsure to the degree which I should be angry. Is this less or more of a big deal than I'm making it out to be. I was thinking of saying something along the lines of.....

I was trying to repost an ad on craigslist and I was looking for pictures to upload for the ad when i happened upon exhibit A....
The info says that it was emailed to you. I am almost positive that I know who it is. I am angry, hurt and confused about the whole thing. I would feel better if she wasn't in your life anymore, but I know that I have have no right to tell you what "friends" you can have. Just know that this doesn't help me with my trust issues.

.... I don't know...the more I read it I hate it....I have trouble communicating with.....anyone. I have an anxiety attack every time I have to confront anyone. Not that i want any pitty points, but I was in an abusive relationship where i got beaten for standing up for myself. Now I struggle just to keep people from walking all over me. How do I deal with this without losing the man I love, yet escape the doormat role?

I'm sorry but the fact that you've danced around how you've found out that the picture was emailed to him sounds rather questionable to me. Twice you've mentioned without going into any details that the image was emailed to him about a year ago - how do you know this? What exactly is this info and how have discovered it?

You've also mentioned twice that you don't know for a fact who the image is of or where it is from. You're freaking out without knowing for certain whether or not you should even be concerned. Considering your past, I can understand your issues but you're much better off sparing yourself the nonsense and talking to him about it already.

...

reading your proposed approach to the situation with your boyfriend, don't think it's the right way to go.

How about:

So I was working on the computer, trying to post an ad on craigslist, and wanted to add a picture. When I was browsing for one, I was surprised to find, in the middle of the pictures folder, a picture of some semi-naked woman licking her pierced nipple. I was a little bit confused by it. I know the picture is not mine. Is this someone you know? Where did you get it? Because in the picture info it said someone had emailed it to you, and looking at the image it looks like that girl from WOW you know. I don't know, I'm sorry I stumbled on it, unintentionally, but I did. I don't like you having a naked picture of her. I find it a bit upsetting and at the time I felt angry too. So I'd like to know what you have to say about it because I'm not happy.

I think this is a little lighter and more open to dialogue.

Good luck!

Nicely put. You should be a therapist!

To: Manic Skafe

When you post an ad on craigslist you push the 'upload a picture' button. That prompts the computer to open the images saved on his computer. I was looking for the item to be sold and I came across the lovely photo. When I click on the photo, I can lookup information on it.... when it was last modified and where it came from. Looking for info on the pic was the only snooping I did.

Honestly, I would take the advice above and keep it cool. For one thing, it was a year ago. If there's just one picture, from a year ago, that he's not hiding, he probably doesn't think it's a big deal. Even if othergirl did randomly send him an improper email, it could have been a one time thing, and he fell into the guy mentality of "Oh, boobs. *Right-click-save*" I think the least favorable thing you could do is to attack him about it when he gets home. At least personally, that puts me right on the defensive. I would mention it, ask about it, and if it is other girl, tell him you would prefer that he not have that sort of communication with people online.

Over the course of my relationship history, there's been plenty of things that I did that upset my SO, without even realizing it would. Men can be boneheads sometime. If you can approach him reasonably with what bothers you, he should be able to respond reasonably with an apology, and a promise not to do things like that in the future.

So far I am thankful for the advice that I have received. My sweet boyfriend emailed me an update of his visit to Canadia (it's waaaaaay cheaper than calling), and he wants to know how things are going. Do I act like everything is okay ( I can't sleep at night and my nerves are making me physically ill) OR do I email him about the matter now vs waiting through the excruciating anxiety until he gets home.

CliffsNotes:
I am a woman, so I tend to over analyze and worry myself into hysteria :shakehead:

A Mature reaction? Cheat with another internet people, like me! :D
I'm waiting for your e-mail... :paranoid:

I'm joking, but you must keep it cool in order to not pass as the bad one who lurks the other's lifes. When you're boyfriend get back by your buisness trip?
If it is a long way to home (EDIT: or to pay him a visit) then you can e-mail or phone him and try to have some explanation.
If you can survive till he come home (EDIT: or pay him a visit) is better to speak in person in order to see his face and gesture language.

Maybe he was only misunderstood and searching for a friend when she sent this soft-porn picture.
I'll tell you my experiece so maybe you can settle down a bit and:
I have this friend that went to live in a far city (200km or so from the place I live), we talked each other by internet or phone, an it was getting pretty tender but I take it as tender as a friend can be, nothing sexual.
One day I went to visit her, I made many hours in train, I had a very pleasant day walking through the city, talking...etc... and I had to return by the night train so she said "stay in my place tonight, so you can stay with me also tomorrow and depart tomorrow evening with quiter and calmer". I accepted because we are very close friend and I never had expected that that night she'll try to make things between us a little more complicated, I have a girlfriend too!
So she tryied to seduce me because she misunderstood my intentions, I said her for example that I was a little worried about my girlfriend and she understood that I was trying a way to leave my girlfriend and things like that.
I don't fell into it and I departed the next day, we remained very good friends.

If it was developed all by internet she should sent me a soft-porn pic and I should said her "No thanks, I'm engaged", that is quite the opposite of cheating.

At last also the very close friends of mine sign their mails with hearts, xoxo, hugs, "I love you very much" and things like that (indeed by mail and chat many of my friends are much more tender than my girlfriend :orly: ), there are many expression of affection that doesn't really are expression of sexuality or cheating or things like that.

I don't know if things in USA are so different from here, but I hope I made my point and calmed you a little, you definitly need some sleep to talk to your boyfriend.
If you want to discuss more you're welcome to PM me, if you liked my post sooo much and you wanna help me you can correct my bad grammar ;)

Bye!

Just email him the picture with "who's this?".

Anything else is window dressing.

At this point there is no reason to be angry.

And it's less.

It was over a year ago.

Most likely he forgot the image was on his computer. He knew you would be using his computer while he was gone, if he thought there was anything on there he needed to hide he would have taken care of it before leaving.

Did he request the photo? If she sent it to him unsolicited, which is likely, he can't be blamed for what someone else has done, he has no control over what she sent, a year ago.

I would think after finding this you would have searched through his computer for other "evidence". Aside from the emails she is sending, you haven't indicated he is actively participating in this communication. It appears it's all on this other woman, and he has done nothing wrong.

So you can do two things. Confront him with, what, a year old photo that he probably forgot about?

Or, you can delete the photo, block her email address and forget about it.

In the future if he questions if you blocked her email, then you know he was looking for email from her, wasn't receiving, discovered the block and can open dialogue.

Otherwise you are creating an issue where presently none exists.

Whilst I agree that this might help, it's VERY passive aggresive, and won't stop the OP worrying.

Look at it like this:

The photos are significant, or they're not.

The OP can confront, or not.

This gives us only four options.

They matter and she does nothing: Result = bad.
They don't matter and she does nothing: Result = she may worry, because she doesn't know this.
They matter and she asks: Result = dialogue about WHY they matter - could be good, could be bad.
They don't matter and she asks: Result = he explains, and she's happy.

As you can see - the worst outcomes result from NOT asking.

The only issue is HOW to ask, not WHETHER to.

Good Game Theory Analysis :P
Exactly, the issue is When and How.
Is preferibly asking in person, quitly e firmly then do an histeric drama at the phone or by mail.

So move to reach that status :D

First, the OP should not be worring about it to begin with, it's more of an action situation, delete, block, move on and stop obsessing. I'm sorry but I'm not a proponent of "lets talk about every single burp and fart and analyze it to death. From the evidence presented in this thread, the girl is the chaser, the guy is the chasee and he has done nothing wrong. (not to say that he hasn't but from the evidence he hasn't so far). Second, being passive aggressive is not two "dirty words" and has gotten a bad reputation. There is nothing wrong with using it in a situation that is appropriate. An individual should utilize every tool at their disposal, not just those deemed "worthy". Given the right set of circumstances, being passive aggressive will yield you the best results.

Hmm. Sorry, but I don't see. How is the assumption that "They matter and she does nothing: Result = bad" made? They matter to who? Party A, Party B, Party C, Unknown Party D (the jealous current husband of nipple licking gal sending pics off her account without her knowledge trying to start shit ) all of them, 1 or 2 of them? There are too many unknowns for the assumption to made that a certain action will definitely result in a certain outcome.


I don't see HOW asking is even an issue. This is not an issue. Why make it one? Save the obsessing crap and being overbearing for those actions that warrant it. I haven't read anything in this thread that warrants sleepless nights, being physically ill or confrontation.

This is the most important thing said, so far (though, for the record, I don't agree with anything else in the post I quoted). He's not hiding anything from you. If he even thinks about that picture, it's probably not a big deal to him. That's what really matters.

It's just a boob...

She's 800 miles away (assuming the picture is actually from "WoW girl")...

Start worrying when he sticks his dick in her.

How on earth do you know this was a picture emailed to him a year ago, if in fact you were 'just looking for a picture from craigslist'? If there's a JPEG sitting in a folder, and you don't recognize the person, you don't know where it came...there are pictures of chicks licking their nipples here! I'd work on that before you confront him about it, since if my wife came at me with that accusation, that's the first thing I'd have issues with. It sounds to me like you were looking through his email...I can't think of any other way you could have that specific knowledge.

I'm totally dropping the "I'm going to stare at other women's breasts all the time" bit on my next first date.

Just get that out in the open. Not RightHere-TooMuch, but the basis of How It's Gonna Be, No BFD.

...

I smell a snooper.

Sorry Halanna but Daniel_'s right, your solution is quite passive aggressive.

While I agree that we don't need to analyze every belch, there is no need to erase the photo and block the email in order to illicit some sort of response. If the OP is concerned enough to make it an issue, and taking the action you suggest makes it an issue, then she shouldn't be playing games. Tippler's approach is the best one so far. It's direct without the passive aggressiveness.

Be open with him. Just try to talk about in in a non-confrontational way. I can see being upset, by there's really no reason to be angry, not yet anyway. He fucked up by not deleting that picture, or even continuing to talk to the girl if it is indeed WOW girl, but don't go off half-cocked. You know him better than we do, so if you're capable of seeing the forest through the trees you'll have a decent chance of telling whether or not he's lying when you guys finally sit down to talk about it. Good luck. Hope things work out for you two.

Mags and I had that discussion quite early on.

I am a guy. I like boobs. I will look at other boobs. I will keep my hands off other boobs.

It works for us.

To the OP: Are you seriously telling me that you've never checked out another guy in the whole time you've been with your boyfriend? Or had naughty thoughts? I don't believe it.

It's a tit. Yes, it's naked, and kinda erotic. As long as he isn't fucking her I really don't see why you should care.

If it really bugs you, sit down and talk to him. None of that passive aggressive guilt-trip bullshit either. Be honest, be open.

If you want to handle this like an adult, the first step is to drop all the high school mind games.

You're gonna be way upset when you see what I'm wearing on my head at the wedding.

When I say "they matter", I mean "that the pictures are in some way related to a significant cheating event (mental or physical)". When I say "bad", I mean that by not bringing it out into the open whatever problem exists remains unresolved, festers, and leads to relationship damage or breakup. Also, the OP not knowing may well cause her to be upset or paranoid. Trust me, I went without asking for years in my first marriage, because I was convinced that asking would offend - if I had asked, it would have brought problems to light sooner.

If she closes and locks the door (i.e. deletes the pictures and blocks the email) she's still not going to KNOW. And if there's a more significant issue, I bet he's got her cell number, or can PM her through a website, or has a work email address.

If I failed to answer a direct message from a friend, I would get a text, a PM here, a DM on twitter, an email at work, or something else - all blocking her would do is warn the guy to be more careful because he's busted.

Honest communication is better than skulduggery. If she's worried about his having photos, then she should ask him.

As for the people that ask how does she know they were emailed and when, I can't be certain, but if you are on a PC and use desktop search, plus Outlook as a mail client, the search term "JPG" will call up all the pictures on your hard disk, even if they are email attachments - and if they ARE it will show the date and time of the email.

This will look into all profiles on the machine, if the search settings are wide enough.

And yet, she will still know and still wonder. No matter how she came across them, they are hers to worry about now.
Talk is everything
and cheap in this economy, even with a bottle of wine.

ps: wear a short skirt when you ask him.

Good tip! :thumbsup:

Not knowing make you eating yourself inside-out, and then you'll come to blow off in the most inappropriate moment (like when he'll caught YOU doing something very wrong)

OK...this still does not jive with "I was trying to list a craigslist ad..."...so I did a search for every image on my boyfriend's computer? Wouldn't, oh, looking in the folder where you put the picture of whatever you were trying to sell be more efficient?

I realize this whole thing is a tangent to the original question, I am just trying to point out that if she confronts her SO with this and tries to feed him the craigslist line, as if she were perfectly innocent and act like she wasn't snooping (unless she has a more better explanation forthcoming) he's probably going to attack that fact.

good grief

If I had anxiety attack or thoughts of getting mad over every picture Dave had on his pc I'd be locked away by now. I cant say Dave is "allowed" to look at naked pics of other women because I don't see it as "allowing", I am not so neurotic that I think if he sees another boob, pussy, kneecap etc that he's gonna be "cheating", but then he's allowed to touch other boobs etc so its not cheating anyway, thats a whole other kettle of fish though

My question is, since you were going thru his pc, is this the one and only picture of any female in any state of undress on there?

The Internet was made so that nerds could send nerds pictures of themselves naked. Internet flirtation can be nice safe sexy fun. If it really really bothers you, talk to him. If not, send him a sexier photo of yourself while he's away, and remember that you're the one he loves.

The My Pictures folder is a big place, and if someone recently uploaded something from another folder, the browser would save that folder and open it automatically next time. I don't see what's so implausible about it being an honest accident.

Again I say: Is there metadata I am not aware of that identifies a random nipple lick picture of someone she doesn't know as having been emailed to her boyfriend a year ago, as opposed to just a random pic he saved from 4chan? She seems pretty concrete about the images origin to have just found it in the file system somewhere. If 'the info' she found was just the date created, then I say that someone has been spending a little too much time on their "jump to conclusions" mat, and it's probably something that was saved from somewhere.

Speaking strictly from a man's perspective (which the OP requested), this is probably the best advice in the thread.

Wait until he returns, but don't make it the first thing out of your mouth. Casually tell him you found the photo, but do not give him the impression that you are freaking out over this. You'll put him on the defensive immediately and the conversation will get you nowhere...fast.

What you want is the truth. In the meantime, you don't have the truth so all the conjecture is just causing you needless emotional turmoil. Relax and focus on what you do know.

The fact that he doesn't mind you using his computer should be of enormous comfort to you. If he was worried or wanted to cover-up something going on, he wouldn't give you access while he was away.

Wow, ShaniFaye gets 3 points for making me choke on my Diet Dr. Pepper by mentioning "kneecap" porn.