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Old 08-23-2009, 10:30 AM   #1 (permalink)
Psycho
 
When do you know you should leave someone?

I'm unsure about whether or not I want to leave my boyfriend. How would I know it's just ~time~ to leave? And.. how do I let him know I feel this way? I'll tell you a little about him and our relationship...

Why I want to leave him:
~ he's emotionally abusive
~ he's cold and distant
~ he always tells me "bros before hos" when we're spending quality time with eachother and his friends want to hang out instead
~ he insults me
~ he doesn't acknowledge anything good about me or even my efforts to help him out
~ he expects me to be his sugar momma.. somehow (when I have no job)
~ he flirts with other women


Why I want to stay:
~ he says he loves me
~ he wants to grow old with me he says
~ he knows what I want in sex and gives it
~ he gives me somebody so I'm not lonely
~ he's funny
~ I'm used to him



Now, note that there are excuses and buts to every one of those things.. but I tried to point out these qualities somewhat objectively.

History of us individually...
Me~ had one other boyfriend in my entire life (who broke my heart which spiraled me into a depression about it for years). had sex with 8/9 men. never cheated nor never cheated on.

Him~ had multiple girlfriends before me. had sex with only one other girl than me. I'm his longest relationship (2 years). He's been cheated on multiple times but has never cheated.






This feels silly to try to justify whether or not I should leave... or whether or not I should stay. Leave. .... Or stay. But, I don't know any other way. :P

Help! X_X
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Old 08-23-2009, 10:43 AM   #2 (permalink)
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When should you leave? When happiness seems unforeseeable.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ametc View Post
Why I want to leave him:
~ he's emotionally abusive
~ he's cold and distant
~ he always tells me "bros before hos" when we're spending quality time with eachother and his friends want to hang out instead
~ he insults me
~ he doesn't acknowledge anything good about me or even my efforts to help him out
~ he expects me to be his sugar momma.. somehow (when I have no job)
~ he flirts with other women
Can you really see yourself happy with someone that possess such traits? What's the upshot, when he skips the emotional stuff and gets physical?

Leave yesterday.
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Last edited by Manic_Skafe; 08-23-2009 at 10:45 AM..
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Old 08-23-2009, 10:43 AM   #3 (permalink)
Submit to me, you know you want to
 
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Emotionally abusive? The list stops right there for me (and dont EVEN get me started on the stupid "bro's before ho's mentality). Do you honestly think you're worth so little that you need to put up with this? If you're already questioning whether or not you should leave him, then I believe you already know what you're supposed to do.
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Old 08-23-2009, 10:45 AM   #4 (permalink)
Addict
 
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You're the only one who can weigh the pros and cons involved here. Is his ability to satisfy you sexually more important than his proclivity to "emotionally abuse" you? We all have our own priorities and they will be different from yours.
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Old 08-23-2009, 11:15 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Its not a question anyone can answer other than you I guess, but if you desribe someone as "abusive" and thats accurate, thats a pretty bad state of affairs. Its easy to stay with someone because it becomes a habit, and it isnt always the wrong thing to do, but staying with someone who doesnt make you happy is wrong. Any relationship is only worth it if it makes both parties feel better.
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Old 08-23-2009, 12:36 PM   #6 (permalink)
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The cons outweigh the pros by a lot. These things only get worse in my experience. Saying he loves you and showing he loves you are two different things. If he is emotionally abusive, he is not showing you love. He is showing a lack of respect for you when he says bros before hos, flirts with other women, and insults you. "He gives me somebody so I'm not lonely" is not a good reason to stay with someone, you need to be comfortable with yourself.

In the end it is only you who can make this decision. I know how hard it can be to leave someone when you feel love for them, even when they are treating you bad. Realize you deserve better than to be treated this way.
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Old 08-23-2009, 12:43 PM   #7 (permalink)
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It's time to leave.
If you're feeling especially congenial when it's time to go, present him with this list so he knows how to not treat a future girlfriend.
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Old 08-23-2009, 12:45 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Manic_Skafe View Post
Leave yesterday.
/thread
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Old 08-23-2009, 12:46 PM   #9 (permalink)
... a sort of licensed troubleshooter.
 
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I leave when I can't trust the other person. Same thing for friendships.
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Old 08-23-2009, 12:51 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Location: ....a state of pure inebriation.
When you can't find a reason to stay other than "I love him/he loves me" and "I'm content and don't want to be alone", it's time to suck it up and cut your losses. It sounds to me like like him telling you he loves you and wants to grow old with you is just an extension of the emotional abuse anyway...

Move on. There's better out there.
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Old 08-23-2009, 01:17 PM   #11 (permalink)
Psycho
 
Thank you, all! I think I know what I'm gonna do now... it's just a matter of how and when. (I think he's in Arizona right now with his relatives so when he comes back perhaps that's when.)
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Old 08-23-2009, 01:19 PM   #12 (permalink)
... a sort of licensed troubleshooter.
 
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Be strong, ametc. We all believe in you.
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Old 08-23-2009, 03:21 PM   #13 (permalink)
Here
 
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For me red flags go up when they start fucking someone else...
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Old 08-23-2009, 03:33 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Or if they start to resemble Bear Cub in any way, shape, or form.
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Old 08-23-2009, 03:49 PM   #15 (permalink)
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For me, the idea that I should leave someone has always entered into my mind a lot earlier than I ever acted on it. Sometimes, I should probably trust that idea and act on it sooner instead of waiting things out.

Anyway, there's a point where you realize that you are less happy with him that you would be without him. When you realize that his being in your life is unhealthy or stressful, and that you are not getting what you want/deserve out of the relationship. Once you realize that, you're already half gone.

You just have to take the rest of the steps to finish it.
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Old 08-23-2009, 04:05 PM   #16 (permalink)
Upright
 
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Location: Ottawa, Canada
It took me two years to leave an emotionally abusive man. Keep in mind that it is a trap and very hard to pull away from this sort of situation, especially when emotionally invested. However, ask yourself if you still want to be getting this same treatment in 10 years. It is a helpful perspective.
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Old 08-23-2009, 04:47 PM   #17 (permalink)
Crazy
 
Location: Adelaide, South Australia
Despite the bullshit from Hollywood, love is not enough. Good relationships are based on respect and love, with respect being the most important. If you don't have respect, you have nothing. From what you describe it doesn't seem as if he has a great deal of respect for you.
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Old 08-23-2009, 05:02 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Location: Ontario, Canada
Once you start asking yourself if it's time to leave. The answer is clear.
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Old 08-23-2009, 06:07 PM   #19 (permalink)
I Confess a Shiver
 
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You leave someone when conversation becomes emotional chess.
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Old 08-23-2009, 06:30 PM   #20 (permalink)
Crazy, indeed
 
Location: the ether
Quote:
Originally Posted by ametc View Post

Why I want to leave him:
~ he's emotionally abusive
~ he's cold and distant
~ he always tells me "bros before hos" when we're spending quality time with eachother and his friends want to hang out instead
~ he insults me
~ he doesn't acknowledge anything good about me or even my efforts to help him out
~ he expects me to be his sugar momma.. somehow (when I have no job)
~ he flirts with other women


Why I want to stay:
~ he says he loves me
~ he wants to grow old with me he says
~ he knows what I want in sex and gives it
~ he gives me somebody so I'm not lonely
~ he's funny
~ I'm used to him
Notice how all the reasons why you want to leave are specifically about him, and 5 of 6 reasons to stay are really not about him at all, but about just being in a relationship? Other than him being funny, all other points are simply about how you like being in a stable monogamous relationship. When you can't think of any reasons to be with a specific person, it is time to leave.
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Old 08-23-2009, 06:32 PM   #21 (permalink)
Junkie
 
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Location: Louisville, KY
I know it's time to leave a relationship when it's my decision to leave the relationship. My friends all hated my last boyfriend. I mean, couldn't stand the bastard. But well-intentioned though they were, I didn't want to base my decision on someone else's opinion. And so I gave it some extra time, to make sure it was what I wanted to do. Ultimately, it was. So I guess my advice would be to look into yourself and decide. Use your logic as well as your emotions, and decide if this is someone truly worthy of you.
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Old 08-23-2009, 11:53 PM   #22 (permalink)
Delicious
 
Reese's Avatar
 
You guys are evil homewreckers!

Seems all his problems stem from being an emotionally challenged individual blind to the emotions of others. Basically he doesn't know how to treat a lady and therefor doesn't deserve to have one. Really, You can't even include "I love him." in the reasons to stay should be enough to end a 2 year relationship. Just make sure you tell him why you're dumping him to the curb. He could go his whole life never knowing how he treated you otherwise.
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Old 08-24-2009, 08:15 AM   #23 (permalink)
Junkie
 
Location: My head.
^^ Dude, I know where your coming from but seriously ... this guy, "flirts with other women and says to his girlfriend 'bro's before ho's"!!

If he doesn't know that's wrong, then ...
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Old 08-24-2009, 12:50 PM   #24 (permalink)
Delicious
 
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Xerxys, I find you guilty of not reading the entire post!
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Old 08-24-2009, 12:55 PM   #25 (permalink)
Junkie
 
Location: My head.
DUDE!! Bro's before ho's!! Bro's before ho's man, you cannot be blind to someone's feelings like that. You just can't!! That is deliberate right there.
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Old 08-24-2009, 03:50 PM   #26 (permalink)
I have eaten the slaw
 
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Xerxys, you'd be amazed how oblivious some people are.
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Old 08-24-2009, 06:50 PM   #27 (permalink)
Forming
 
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Location: ....a state of pure inebriation.
Quote:
Originally Posted by inBOIL View Post
Xerxys, you'd be amazed how oblivious you are.
Fixed that for you... =p
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Old 08-24-2009, 07:07 PM   #28 (permalink)
Junkie
 
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Location: Indiana
Quote:
Originally Posted by Crompsin View Post
You leave someone when conversation becomes emotional chess.
hmm... I kind of like this thought.
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Old 08-24-2009, 09:00 PM   #29 (permalink)
I Confess a Shiver
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by samcol View Post
hmm... I kind of like this thought.
I don't. It's been the story of my life.
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Old 08-25-2009, 11:56 AM   #30 (permalink)
Delicious
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by inBOIL View Post
Xerxys, you'd be amazed how oblivious some people are.
I don't think I'm oblivious to anything. Sure as hell it's possible that he is just an abusive person deliberately making your life hell. To me though, He sounds just like a manchild that hasn't learned respect. He probably he treats his GFs exactly like his male friends where dissing and overall douchebaggery is acceptable and encouraged. I used to be like that when I was 20-21 years old. Luckily I wasn't in a long term relationship that could have been damaged by it.

Still, We came to the same conclusions. This relationship is unhealthy and it would probably be in the best interest to end it.
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Old 08-25-2009, 08:51 PM   #31 (permalink)
I have eaten the slaw
 
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cybermike, I wasn't referring to you; I'm pretty much in agreement with what you've posted. While the OP's boyfriend's actions seem deliberately disrespectful, he may actually have no clue. I've met several men who come close to the attitude described, and they seem not to have any idea why a woman would/should be put off by it. Not that that justifies that kind of behavior, but this level of cluelessness is not unheard of, and sadly, not all that rare.
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And you believe Bush and the liberals and divorced parents and gays and blacks and the Christian right and fossil fuels and Xbox are all to blame, meanwhile you yourselves create an ad where your kid hits you in the head with a baseball and you don't understand the message that the problem is you.

Last edited by inBOIL; 08-25-2009 at 08:56 PM.. Reason: OCD word manipulating
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Old 08-25-2009, 10:42 PM   #32 (permalink)
Delicious
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by inBOIL View Post
cybermike, I wasn't referring to you.
Ya know, That does make more sense. Text can be confusing.
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