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#1 (permalink) |
Psycho
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When do you know you should leave someone?
I'm unsure about whether or not I want to leave my boyfriend. How would I know it's just ~time~ to leave? And.. how do I let him know I feel this way? I'll tell you a little about him and our relationship...
Why I want to leave him: ~ he's emotionally abusive ~ he's cold and distant ~ he always tells me "bros before hos" when we're spending quality time with eachother and his friends want to hang out instead ~ he insults me ~ he doesn't acknowledge anything good about me or even my efforts to help him out ~ he expects me to be his sugar momma.. somehow (when I have no job) ~ he flirts with other women Why I want to stay: ~ he says he loves me ~ he wants to grow old with me he says ~ he knows what I want in sex and gives it ~ he gives me somebody so I'm not lonely ~ he's funny ~ I'm used to him Now, note that there are excuses and buts to every one of those things.. but I tried to point out these qualities somewhat objectively. History of us individually... Me~ had one other boyfriend in my entire life (who broke my heart which spiraled me into a depression about it for years). had sex with 8/9 men. never cheated nor never cheated on. Him~ had multiple girlfriends before me. had sex with only one other girl than me. I'm his longest relationship (2 years). He's been cheated on multiple times but has never cheated. This feels silly to try to justify whether or not I should leave... or whether or not I should stay. Leave. .... Or stay. But, I don't know any other way. :P Help! X_X |
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#2 (permalink) | |
More Than You Expect
Location: Queens
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When should you leave? When happiness seems unforeseeable.
Quote:
Leave yesterday.
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"Porn is a zoo of exotic animals that becomes boring upon ownership." -Nersesian Last edited by Manic_Skafe; 08-23-2009 at 10:45 AM.. |
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#3 (permalink) |
Submit to me, you know you want to
Location: Lilburn, Ga
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Emotionally abusive? The list stops right there for me (and dont EVEN get me started on the stupid "bro's before ho's mentality). Do you honestly think you're worth so little that you need to put up with this? If you're already questioning whether or not you should leave him, then I believe you already know what you're supposed to do.
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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!! |
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#4 (permalink) |
Addict
Location: Pennsylvania, USA
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You're the only one who can weigh the pros and cons involved here. Is his ability to satisfy you sexually more important than his proclivity to "emotionally abuse" you? We all have our own priorities and they will be different from yours.
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------------- You know something, I don't think the sun even... exists... in this place. 'Cause I've been up for hours, and hours, and hours, and the night never ends here. |
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#5 (permalink) |
follower of the child's crusade?
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Its not a question anyone can answer other than you I guess, but if you desribe someone as "abusive" and thats accurate, thats a pretty bad state of affairs. Its easy to stay with someone because it becomes a habit, and it isnt always the wrong thing to do, but staying with someone who doesnt make you happy is wrong. Any relationship is only worth it if it makes both parties feel better.
__________________
"Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate, for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain without being uncovered." The Gospel of Thomas |
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#6 (permalink) |
lightform
Location: Edge of the deep green sea
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The cons outweigh the pros by a lot. These things only get worse in my experience. Saying he loves you and showing he loves you are two different things. If he is emotionally abusive, he is not showing you love. He is showing a lack of respect for you when he says bros before hos, flirts with other women, and insults you. "He gives me somebody so I'm not lonely" is not a good reason to stay with someone, you need to be comfortable with yourself.
In the end it is only you who can make this decision. I know how hard it can be to leave someone when you feel love for them, even when they are treating you bad. Realize you deserve better than to be treated this way.
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We're about to go through the crucible, but we'll come out the other side. We always arise from our own ashes. Everything returns later in its changed form. - Children of Dune |
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#7 (permalink) |
Eat your vegetables
Super Moderator
Location: Arabidopsis-ville
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It's time to leave.
If you're feeling especially congenial when it's time to go, present him with this list so he knows how to not treat a future girlfriend.
__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq "violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy |
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#8 (permalink) |
warrior bodhisattva
Super Moderator
Location: East-central Canada
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__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing? —Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön Humankind cannot bear very much reality. —From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot |
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#10 (permalink) |
Forming
Location: ....a state of pure inebriation.
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When you can't find a reason to stay other than "I love him/he loves me" and "I'm content and don't want to be alone", it's time to suck it up and cut your losses. It sounds to me like like him telling you he loves you and wants to grow old with you is just an extension of the emotional abuse anyway...
Move on. There's better out there.
__________________
"The fact is that censorship always defeats its own purpose, for it creates, in the end, the kind of society that is incapable of exercising real discretion..." - Henry Steel Commager "Punk rock music is great music played by really bad, drunk musicians." -Fat Mike |
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#15 (permalink) |
Soaring
Location: Ohio!
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For me, the idea that I should leave someone has always entered into my mind a lot earlier than I ever acted on it. Sometimes, I should probably trust that idea and act on it sooner instead of waiting things out.
Anyway, there's a point where you realize that you are less happy with him that you would be without him. When you realize that his being in your life is unhealthy or stressful, and that you are not getting what you want/deserve out of the relationship. Once you realize that, you're already half gone. You just have to take the rest of the steps to finish it.
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"Without passion man is a mere latent force and possibility, like the flint which awaits the shock of the iron before it can give forth its spark." — Henri-Frédéric Amiel |
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#16 (permalink) |
Upright
Location: Ottawa, Canada
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It took me two years to leave an emotionally abusive man. Keep in mind that it is a trap and very hard to pull away from this sort of situation, especially when emotionally invested. However, ask yourself if you still want to be getting this same treatment in 10 years. It is a helpful perspective.
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#17 (permalink) |
Crazy
Location: Adelaide, South Australia
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Despite the bullshit from Hollywood, love is not enough. Good relationships are based on respect and love, with respect being the most important. If you don't have respect, you have nothing. From what you describe it doesn't seem as if he has a great deal of respect for you.
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#20 (permalink) | |
Crazy, indeed
Location: the ether
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Quote:
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#21 (permalink) |
Junkie
Location: Louisville, KY
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I know it's time to leave a relationship when it's my decision to leave the relationship. My friends all hated my last boyfriend. I mean, couldn't stand the bastard. But well-intentioned though they were, I didn't want to base my decision on someone else's opinion. And so I gave it some extra time, to make sure it was what I wanted to do. Ultimately, it was. So I guess my advice would be to look into yourself and decide. Use your logic as well as your emotions, and decide if this is someone truly worthy of you.
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"With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy." -Desiderata |
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#22 (permalink) |
Delicious
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You guys are evil homewreckers!
Seems all his problems stem from being an emotionally challenged individual blind to the emotions of others. Basically he doesn't know how to treat a lady and therefor doesn't deserve to have one. Really, You can't even include "I love him." in the reasons to stay should be enough to end a 2 year relationship. Just make sure you tell him why you're dumping him to the curb. He could go his whole life never knowing how he treated you otherwise.
__________________
“It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick” - Dave Barry |
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#26 (permalink) |
I have eaten the slaw
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Xerxys, you'd be amazed how oblivious some people are.
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And you believe Bush and the liberals and divorced parents and gays and blacks and the Christian right and fossil fuels and Xbox are all to blame, meanwhile you yourselves create an ad where your kid hits you in the head with a baseball and you don't understand the message that the problem is you. |
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#27 (permalink) |
Forming
Location: ....a state of pure inebriation.
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Fixed that for you... =p
__________________
"The fact is that censorship always defeats its own purpose, for it creates, in the end, the kind of society that is incapable of exercising real discretion..." - Henry Steel Commager "Punk rock music is great music played by really bad, drunk musicians." -Fat Mike |
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#30 (permalink) |
Delicious
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I don't think I'm oblivious to anything. Sure as hell it's possible that he is just an abusive person deliberately making your life hell. To me though, He sounds just like a manchild that hasn't learned respect. He probably he treats his GFs exactly like his male friends where dissing and overall douchebaggery is acceptable and encouraged. I used to be like that when I was 20-21 years old. Luckily I wasn't in a long term relationship that could have been damaged by it.
Still, We came to the same conclusions. This relationship is unhealthy and it would probably be in the best interest to end it.
__________________
“It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick” - Dave Barry |
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#31 (permalink) |
I have eaten the slaw
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cybermike, I wasn't referring to you; I'm pretty much in agreement with what you've posted. While the OP's boyfriend's actions seem deliberately disrespectful, he may actually have no clue. I've met several men who come close to the attitude described, and they seem not to have any idea why a woman would/should be put off by it. Not that that justifies that kind of behavior, but this level of cluelessness is not unheard of, and sadly, not all that rare.
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And you believe Bush and the liberals and divorced parents and gays and blacks and the Christian right and fossil fuels and Xbox are all to blame, meanwhile you yourselves create an ad where your kid hits you in the head with a baseball and you don't understand the message that the problem is you. Last edited by inBOIL; 08-25-2009 at 08:56 PM.. Reason: OCD word manipulating |
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