When do you know you should leave someone?
 

I'm unsure about whether or not I want to leave my boyfriend. How would I know it's just ~time~ to leave? And.. how do I let him know I feel this way? I'll tell you a little about him and our relationship...

Why I want to leave him:
~ he's emotionally abusive
~ he's cold and distant
~ he always tells me "bros before hos" when we're spending quality time with eachother and his friends want to hang out instead
~ he insults me
~ he doesn't acknowledge anything good about me or even my efforts to help him out
~ he expects me to be his sugar momma.. somehow (when I have no job)
~ he flirts with other women


Why I want to stay:
~ he says he loves me
~ he wants to grow old with me he says
~ he knows what I want in sex and gives it
~ he gives me somebody so I'm not lonely
~ he's funny
~ I'm used to him



Now, note that there are excuses and buts to every one of those things.. but I tried to point out these qualities somewhat objectively.

History of us individually...
Me~ had one other boyfriend in my entire life (who broke my heart which spiraled me into a depression about it for years). had sex with 8/9 men. never cheated nor never cheated on.

Him~ had multiple girlfriends before me. had sex with only one other girl than me. I'm his longest relationship (2 years). He's been cheated on multiple times but has never cheated.






This feels silly to try to justify whether or not I should leave... or whether or not I should stay. Leave. .... Or stay. But, I don't know any other way. :P

Help! X_X

When should you leave? When happiness seems unforeseeable.

Can you really see yourself happy with someone that possess such traits? What's the upshot, when he skips the emotional stuff and gets physical?

Leave yesterday.

Emotionally abusive? The list stops right there for me (and dont EVEN get me started on the stupid "bro's before ho's mentality). Do you honestly think you're worth so little that you need to put up with this? If you're already questioning whether or not you should leave him, then I believe you already know what you're supposed to do.

You're the only one who can weigh the pros and cons involved here. Is his ability to satisfy you sexually more important than his proclivity to "emotionally abuse" you? We all have our own priorities and they will be different from yours.

Its not a question anyone can answer other than you I guess, but if you desribe someone as "abusive" and thats accurate, thats a pretty bad state of affairs. Its easy to stay with someone because it becomes a habit, and it isnt always the wrong thing to do, but staying with someone who doesnt make you happy is wrong. Any relationship is only worth it if it makes both parties feel better.

The cons outweigh the pros by a lot. These things only get worse in my experience. Saying he loves you and showing he loves you are two different things. If he is emotionally abusive, he is not showing you love. He is showing a lack of respect for you when he says bros before hos, flirts with other women, and insults you. "He gives me somebody so I'm not lonely" is not a good reason to stay with someone, you need to be comfortable with yourself.

In the end it is only you who can make this decision. I know how hard it can be to leave someone when you feel love for them, even when they are treating you bad. Realize you deserve better than to be treated this way.

It's time to leave.
If you're feeling especially congenial when it's time to go, present him with this list so he knows how to not treat a future girlfriend.

/thread

I leave when I can't trust the other person. Same thing for friendships.

When you can't find a reason to stay other than "I love him/he loves me" and "I'm content and don't want to be alone", it's time to suck it up and cut your losses. It sounds to me like like him telling you he loves you and wants to grow old with you is just an extension of the emotional abuse anyway...

Move on. There's better out there.

Thank you, all! I think I know what I'm gonna do now... it's just a matter of how and when. (I think he's in Arizona right now with his relatives so when he comes back perhaps that's when.)

Be strong, ametc. We all believe in you.

For me red flags go up when they start fucking someone else...

Or if they start to resemble Bear Cub in any way, shape, or form.

For me, the idea that I should leave someone has always entered into my mind a lot earlier than I ever acted on it. Sometimes, I should probably trust that idea and act on it sooner instead of waiting things out.

Anyway, there's a point where you realize that you are less happy with him that you would be without him. When you realize that his being in your life is unhealthy or stressful, and that you are not getting what you want/deserve out of the relationship. Once you realize that, you're already half gone.

You just have to take the rest of the steps to finish it.

It took me two years to leave an emotionally abusive man. Keep in mind that it is a trap and very hard to pull away from this sort of situation, especially when emotionally invested. However, ask yourself if you still want to be getting this same treatment in 10 years. It is a helpful perspective.

Despite the bullshit from Hollywood, love is not enough. Good relationships are based on respect and love, with respect being the most important. If you don't have respect, you have nothing. From what you describe it doesn't seem as if he has a great deal of respect for you.

Once you start asking yourself if it's time to leave. The answer is clear.

You leave someone when conversation becomes emotional chess.

Notice how all the reasons why you want to leave are specifically about him, and 5 of 6 reasons to stay are really not about him at all, but about just being in a relationship? Other than him being funny, all other points are simply about how you like being in a stable monogamous relationship. When you can't think of any reasons to be with a specific person, it is time to leave.

I know it's time to leave a relationship when it's my decision to leave the relationship. My friends all hated my last boyfriend. I mean, couldn't stand the bastard. But well-intentioned though they were, I didn't want to base my decision on someone else's opinion. And so I gave it some extra time, to make sure it was what I wanted to do. Ultimately, it was. So I guess my advice would be to look into yourself and decide. Use your logic as well as your emotions, and decide if this is someone truly worthy of you.

You guys are evil homewreckers!

Seems all his problems stem from being an emotionally challenged individual blind to the emotions of others. Basically he doesn't know how to treat a lady and therefor doesn't deserve to have one. Really, You can't even include "I love him." in the reasons to stay should be enough to end a 2 year relationship. Just make sure you tell him why you're dumping him to the curb. He could go his whole life never knowing how he treated you otherwise.

^^ Dude, I know where your coming from but seriously ... this guy, "flirts with other women and says to his girlfriend 'bro's before ho's"!!

If he doesn't know that's wrong, then ...

Xerxys, I find you guilty of not reading the entire post!

DUDE!! Bro's before ho's!! Bro's before ho's man, you cannot be blind to someone's feelings like that. You just can't!! That is deliberate right there.

Xerxys, you'd be amazed how oblivious some people are.

Fixed that for you... =p

hmm... I kind of like this thought.

I don't. It's been the story of my life.

I don't think I'm oblivious to anything. Sure as hell it's possible that he is just an abusive person deliberately making your life hell. To me though, He sounds just like a manchild that hasn't learned respect. He probably he treats his GFs exactly like his male friends where dissing and overall douchebaggery is acceptable and encouraged. I used to be like that when I was 20-21 years old. Luckily I wasn't in a long term relationship that could have been damaged by it.

Still, We came to the same conclusions. This relationship is unhealthy and it would probably be in the best interest to end it.

cybermike, I wasn't referring to you; I'm pretty much in agreement with what you've posted. While the OP's boyfriend's actions seem deliberately disrespectful, he may actually have no clue. I've met several men who come close to the attitude described, and they seem not to have any idea why a woman would/should be put off by it. Not that that justifies that kind of behavior, but this level of cluelessness is not unheard of, and sadly, not all that rare.

Ya know, That does make more sense. Text can be confusing.