ASU2003

So, in the world of real-life dating, how does one find out if a girl already has a boyfriend? I already have to be confident enough to think she would like me if she doesn't. I would like to know if it's even worth taking the risk of talking to her or if I am just wasting my time. Coming right out and asking seems a little upfront (and awkward regardless of the answer), stalking doesn't seem right, social engineering of others is tough and risky*.

Here is the basic situation for a little context. There is a girl that works in my office building for a different company. She works second shift (12-8 pm)with two other women. It is difficult figuring out a reason to talk to her, even though it has happened once or twice, and she has to work so she is busy. And I know nothing about her compared to people with on-line profiles that may or may not exist in real life, and I have never been good at figuring out which people I would have things in common with in normal life.

*It is risky in this situation because the co-worker is someone I run into frequently at work and I don't have a real 'need to know' anything about her (the girl at the other company) unless it was relationship oriented.

PulpMind

Make friends, then lovers.
As you flirt, it'll become clear if she's reciprocating, or if she's at all decent, she'll be upfront about having a boy. Or, you could find her on facebook.

cdwonderful

flirt like a fiend, gauge reactions, tailor your approach based on those findings........

__________________
Never try to teach a pig to whistle
it wastes your time,
and annoys the pig.....

Willravel

Throw the person in water. If she sinks, she has a boyfriend.

Bear Cub

You can do what I did this afternoon.

Make a pass at your hairdresser. When a kid runs up to her yelling "Mommy, we bought you McDonalds" and the husband is standing there giving you a dirty look, she's probably not single.

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Living in the United Socialist States of America.

Shauk

Find her myspace ;P

little_tippler

If you make friends with her and flirt a little, she will make clear of her own accord that she is not single, if that's the case. She'll slip it into conversation. "I went to the movies with my boyfriend last week and saw that movie (in reference to a movie you're commenting on that you saw)". Committed girls make it clear early on.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

World's King

I thought this was simple.


Ask.

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heavy is the head that wears the crown

ASU2003

It would be really hard to find her on Facebook/Myspace/OKcupid, even if she is one there now, she would probably have her account set to private (I hate private accounts)...

Asking would be ok if she was some random girl that I would probably never run into again.

I thankfully wouldn't have to worry about her 'potential' unknown boyfriend walking up where I work. I might have a problem if he is waiting in the parking lot.

So, I guess I will have to come up with friendly, non-obvious that I like her things to talk about when passing in the hallway. I guess I could ask her "How was your weekend, did you do anything fun?"

Any other thoughts?

Cynthetiq

This really a no brainer...

"How was your weekend, did you do anything fun with your boyfriend?"

She will either say something to affirm that, or a girlfriend if she swings that way...

or say something like,"I don't have a boyfriend..."

"Oh nice girl like you, I figred you'd have one."

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I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

Plan9

Yeah, Cynth is on it. Ease yourself into the conversation and then bring it up directly.

Don't be creepy about it by putting on "Every Breath You Take" and Googling to examine their cyber footprint.

That's like digging through somebody's sock drawer on a first date to find their porn while they're in the bathroom.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Jetée

Indeed.

You already say you'd have to be confident enough to think she has an interest in you, as well as the time you decide to ask her out (unless the coinfidence was a front). Introduce yourself, (if you're not already on "acquaintanceship" terms), feel her out and make small talk, then ask her straight up if she is in a commited relationship.

First rule of courtship: confidence.

__________________
As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world (that is the myth of the Atomic Age) as in being able to remake ourselves.

—Mohandas K. Gandhi

Shauk

too obvious...

really, it is.

Plan9

You know what's really obvious? Slapping their cellphone outta their hand and checking their recent calls for any type of pattern.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

surferlove007

If the girl has a boyfriend and she's not interested then she'll mention him within the first couple minutes of talking typically. At least that's what I do to ward off interested men...although not from friendship! If she has a guy and doesn't tell you for a while then might want to reconsider her morals...

JumpinJesus

Why not just follow her around and wait until she's having a conversation with one of her friends. Hide in some nearby bushes and wait until talk turns to boyfriends/girlfriends/pets/David Copperfield. At this point, pull your your old-timey conical sea-shell hearing cone and listen carefully for her to mention her boyfriend/husband/girlfriend/wife/pet/David Copperfield. If talk doesn't turn this direction, continue following her until conversation does revolve around this subject. Wait for her to discribe her relationship. If she's single, she'll most definately say something like, "I'm single." If she's not, she'll indicate this by saying something like, "I'm not single." This is probably the most affective method for ascertaining her relationship status.

If you're spotted, just tell her that you took the advice of some moron on an internet forum because you didn't know how else to ask her if she was single or not.

__________________
"I can normally tell how intelligent a man is by how stupid he thinks I am" - Cormac McCarthy, All The Pretty Horses

inBOIL

If he's flirting heavily, yes. If he's only flirting a little or not at all, she may not mention anything.

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And you believe Bush and the liberals and divorced parents and gays and blacks and the Christian right and fossil fuels and Xbox are all to blame, meanwhile you yourselves create an ad where your kid hits you in the head with a baseball and you don't understand the message that the problem is you.

freeload

DAMN! I was going to suggest a wee bit of friendly stalking

Or you could be "clever" - put some roses and a cute card at her desk, then tap her phone. If she immediately calls someone thanking them for the nice flowers, she's taken. Otherwise she'll be a little scared/confused - a perfect situation for you to reveal your true identity as the friendly neighbourhood stalker

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The future ain't what it used to be.

Manic_Skafe

Whether or not she has a boyfriend isn't nearly as important as whether or not she's interested in you.

If you're interested, pursue.

__________________
"Porn is a zoo of exotic animals that becomes boring upon ownership." -Nersesian

Daniel_

Another vote here for asking.

The approach of saying "did you have a good weekend" to start a conversation, and then seeing if she mentions an SO can work, as can "I see that new movie/play/restaurant is opening soon - have you got plans to go with your SO?".

Just remember, thinking about things doesn't get things done - DOING thing gets things done.

__________________

╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗
Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

Bear Cub

I liked Manic before, but I am liking him more and more lately.



No one should EVER rule out the homewrecking possibilities.

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Living in the United Socialist States of America.

Zeraph

You'll have to sleep with her first, at her place. Now that youre in, you've got to search everything while she's busy making you a sammich. Pay special importance to her purse and her computer.

Punk.of.Ages

Is there a ring on her finger? No?

Then play ball...

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"The fact is that censorship always defeats its own purpose, for it creates, in the end, the kind of society that is incapable of exercising real discretion..." - Henry Steel Commager

"Punk rock music is great music played by really bad, drunk musicians." -Fat Mike

Plan9

My buddy went out on a date with a girl who was missing her left ring finger. What do you do with that?

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Punk.of.Ages

Nothing...

That's the ideal butthole finger. She's broken goods.

__________________
"The fact is that censorship always defeats its own purpose, for it creates, in the end, the kind of society that is incapable of exercising real discretion..." - Henry Steel Commager

"Punk rock music is great music played by really bad, drunk musicians." -Fat Mike

Plan9

I can't believe you just said that. That's awesome.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Toaster126

If you can't figure out if she is single, how are you going to figure out how to be a boyfriend? Baby steps, sir.

You know you have to talk to her. It's uncomfortable sometimes, I get it. She may even not like you. OH NOES!

And then you go find one that does.

I am also very proud of several people in this thread. They know who they are. LOL.

__________________
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

levite

+1 to both.

1. Ask her
2. Know anyone in common? Ask them.
3. Work it into convo. She won't lie.
4. Just start talking with her. If she has one, it'll come up.

Any of the above should work.

__________________
Dull sublunary lovers love,
Whose soul is sense, cannot admit
Absence, because it doth remove
That thing which elemented it.

(From "A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning" by John Donne)

cyklone

Who cares if she has a boyfriend? Seriously, if you only talk or flirt with her if you think she doesn't have a boyfriend your world is too narrow. If she responds to conversation and/or flirting it could be that she doesn't have a boyfriend or is ready to leave the one she has, either way you could win. If she doesn't respond flirtatiously she may have a boyfriend, she may be gay or she may be from mars. Again, who cares? It is the outcome that matters.

Poppinjay

There are some people who always have an SO, even if it's not their ideal relationship. Those people may or may not be worth approaching, considering what your goals might be.

But yeah, just mention, "have a good weekend?" If she has a mouth in her head, she'll say "Oh yeah, WE went to the slug farm at the zoo!" or "no, nobody in my life, so it was toy box weekend again."

__________________
I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

telekinetic

Rings don't block holes.






I mean, you know, topographically speaking.
/terrible joke


Steer a conversation towards movies recently in theaters until there's one she hasn't seen, mention you haven't either, and ask if she wants to go see it with you (either directly as a date, or 'we should get some people together' kind of thing). If she says "No I have a boyfriend" or "Great, my boyfriend wants to see that as well!", there's your answer, if not, well, now you not only gained information, but have a date to boot!

__________________
twisted no more

Daniel_

"by the way - can we fuck?"

__________________

╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗
Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

Xerxys

Terrible.

If she says "yes, my boyfriend wants to see that" you're stuck with making plans with the girl you want to bump uglies with and her bloody boyfriend.

Strange Famous

The key thing is that if she does have a boyfriend you must find a way to plant in her mind that you a bigger and stronger than he is...

But I personally would just go down the line of asking her if she wants to check out a movie with you whatever.... if she has a boyfriend its not like she's going to tell him about it and he's going to march into work and try and do something over it. If you dont feel like asking her out straight until you know I would just let her know in an uncommitted way that youre interested - and if she has a man (AND if she is faithful) she'll let you know about it and then you know. I guess the issue is if she has a man but might want a bit on the side... then its a question about how you feel.

Ive never cheated on anyone myself, but Ive dated girls who had boyfriends which is barely less immoral - although not long term.

__________________
"Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate,
for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing
hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain
without being uncovered."

The Gospel of Thomas

genuinegirly

If she has the slightest incling that you might be interested in her, she will tell you if she's off-limits by bringing him/her up in discussion in an obvious way.

"Wanna go catch a movie Saturday?"
"Naw, my husband and I are going for a hike. Want to come?"

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

monkeysugar

Just talk to her, it'll come up. If it doesn't, ask. If that doesn't go well, that's her issue, not yours and it's really not worth dwelling on.

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I've got the love of my life and a job that I enjoy most of the time. Life is good.

Bear Cub

No you're not. You just mutter "bitch" under your breath and walk away.

__________________
Living in the United Socialist States of America.

Toaster126

This is how SOME women act, assuming she even got the fact that you like her, which I am unsure of. You say you've only talked to her a couple of times, anyway. She might have no clue.

__________________
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)