Straight Bawling at Group Tx
 

At group therapy the other day I was giving a presentation on love addiction (we were assigned to do one on something the we could integrate into the group therapy). I was at an exercise where you have to imagine yourself as an infant. In your own arms. Then, you explain to yourself it was all okay.. all alright.. all the abuse you suffered and all that was gone and pretty much it was a reparenting exercise. I am AWFUL at these things. Reparenting + me = no go.

Anyways, I laughed at the exercise aloud and made a comment about it and everybody asked me if it was because of my abuse as a child and my trauma. I answered them with, ".... ..but.. WHAT trauma?" and they all said, "you wrote your autobiography.. and you don't remember writing about how your parents were always gone? How your sister controlled you? How you were abused physically and verbally??"

me: but that's nothing!.. they take care of me now.. they provide me with financial support.. they help me!

them/group: sounds like some type stockholm syndrome or something.. tsk tsk

me: *stands there* anyways.. *goes on with presentation*

therapist: why are you avoiding the subject?


BECAUSE... Kristen said there's people with bigger problems, right? so, therefore I don't have to deal with mine because they are tiny compared to what COULD be happening to me.. right???????????? I have the world right now compared to some people so therefore I should have NO problems.. right?



Therapist/tx: Then, why do you have this disease? (my depression)



Because.. like everybody tells me, it must be ~in my head~.



Tx: how did it get there? why does it control you? you tried to KILL yourself just a few weeks ago..



But.. I was in a trance.. out of it.



Group: HAHAHA YEAH SURE

Tx: **stares at me**

me: **stands there at the front of the group.... not knowing what to do** I'm fine.. I just don't know why I am this way at all...... **teary**

group: you have been hurt... where is your support system?



ME. I can help myself. Nobody helps me as well as I can help myself! This is why I'm here, right? To learn how to help myself. Right?



Tx: and yet you.. your own support system allowed yourself to take almost 20 ambiens that night? Your support system allowed yourself to cut your wrists open so badly you needed to go to the hospital. You let yourself refuse stitches and let the scars stay on your arm. You allow yourself to do this so how the HELL are you your own support system???



....I.... I dunno. **BAWLS** Okay.. I don't want to do this anymore.. **sits down**





Tx: I think I see the true Allison for the first time now.



THIS is NOT me. ME is wild and happy and funny and witty and kooky and just a blast! THIS isn't me at all. THIS is shitsville you're seeing. THIS is ....



group: your realization that you are powerless?



I'm NOT, though. I'm NOT powerless!














Is this supposed to be what "realization" is?! W.T.F.? Realization hurts so bad.

It ain't easy. We have layer upon layer of defense mechanism built up to keep us from dealing with what's really going on. Whatever you see when you look at another person? Defense mechanism. Most of us, we're so scared most of the time, if you look at us sideways we freak out.

There's no "real you". There's what you're experiencing right now, and that's really all. Don't fight what you're experiencing right now. And part of what you're experiencing is your defense mechanisms fighting for their own survival. Just let that be part of it too. It's fine.

What you're experiencing now is just a part of your realization. Don't ignore it or run away, but don't mistake a part for the whole.