kacilinden

My boyfriend quit hanging out with all of his girl friends (without me asking him to)"out of respect for me." Should I be as easily willing to quit hanging with my guy friends? (almost all of my friends are guys)

Hektore

If he felt he needed to do it to be with you, maybe he was looking to them for more than friendship. Unless you are too (from your guy friends) I don't see any need to reciprocate, but if you want to know if he is expecting you to drop your friends as well, ask him.

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kacilinden

I know he wants me to. He feels like I shouldn't want to hang out with any guy but him, and that doing so is a form a cheating.
It is a long distance relationship. I get to see hi about every other weekend.

World's King

He's cheating on you.

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kacilinden

His ex-wife cheated on him while he was deployed to Iraq. And I'm about to move in with him in a few months.

World's King

He has trust issues. He cheated on his ex wife. He will probably cheat on you if he hasn't already.


See, if you're going to ask for someone's opinion you should really give them all the facts first. That way they aren't making a blind statement.

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ring

ummm...the facts were all in the thread that was just closed YES?

To the OP, No.

Xerxys

**Huffs!!**

kacilinden

yeah the thread was closed last night.

Glory's Sun

honest opinion.. this relationship will never last and will end terribly.

There is so much drama already laced into it. Trust issues, long distance crap, jealousy, etc etc etc.

People shouldn't have to change who they are to be in a relationship.

Cynthetiq

I'd have to call you a shitty friend then. Seriously, why should my SO detract from my friendships? Shouldn't my friends enhance the relationship by wanting to spend time together meeting and enjoying everyone as a groups?

Maybe your men friends aren't honorable at the heart of things. Thinking they are either being the nice guy and hoping one day you'll wake up to that fact they have unrequited love for you.

Maybe your men friends want to bang you like a screen door in a hurricane and are just waiting for the opportunity for you to drop your panties for them.

Or maybe these male friends are truly friends, enjoying your company and time together.

If it is the latter, why would you be a bad friend and just ditch someone who hasn't done anything wrong in the friendship.

I'd have to wonder about myself what kind of friend I was being if I was just going to make a conscious decision to stop hanging out with my friends. Note there is a difference if you find yourself busy and just don't have time for them. But to make a conscious decision? That's a shitty friend I'd be and I don't deserve ANY friends if that is how I'd treat them.

I have many lady friends still. I see some of them from time to time. My wife sometimes even joins us. Heck, my guy friends, my wife hangs out with from time to time without me and has her own relationships with them that have nothing to do with me.

This is all based on trusting the other individual.

Why should you pay for his baggage of a previous cheating woman? This isn't fair to you.

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snowy

My guy and I both have friends of the opposite sex--some of my best friends when we met were men, and some of his close friends are women. It doesn't bother him when I hang out with guys, and it doesn't bother me when he hangs out with women. We trust each other. We're open and honest with each other--there's no reason not to trust one another.

If he had told me when we started dating that I couldn't hang out with my boys any more, I would have kicked him to the curb. My boys had been in my life a lot longer than he had at that point.

What are your priorities? Living your life for yourself or for him? A life lived for someone else is not really a life at all, is it? And a relationship without trust isn't really a relationship, is it?

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cdwonderful

screw that, hang on to your friends

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MSD

He has severely distorted views of interpersonal relationships and is an insecure, misogynistic douchebag. A relationship with someone that jealous is not going to work out and the last thing you need is to be dumped based on his paranoid accusations, have to move out, and have cut off all your friends.

Let him know the Internet told him to go fuck himself and grow the fuck up.

cdwonderful

yea, like he said

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dippin

if you are seriously considering dumping all your friends because of a long distance relationship that is less than 6 months old, you have bigger problems than just your boyfriend's jealousy.

botabota

Things would never work out with you the way he act toward you. You should be able to see your friends, its your rights and it is not his business to take your rights away.

I think you deserve better.

snowy

That's ultimately the point.

kacilinden, if you don't feel you deserve better than this guy, you ought to figure out why--because you do. No one who truly loves you and cares about you would treat you this way.

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kacilinden

He says he does it because he's scared to lose me.

Cynthetiq

and why should YOU do it.

This isn't about what someone else says or does. You have little or no control over someone else's actions just your own.

So why should you ditch your friends? Is being your friend that shallow and callous that it can easily just be tossed away? Because if it is, you should be fair and upfront with your friends and let them know that you'll toss them aside the moment some dick enters your life or your panties are moist for some guy.

If he chooses to ditch his friends that his choice. You didn't ask him to do such at thing.

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RetroGunslinger

A friend of mine recently got into a fight with her boyfriend because she came over to my house to hang out, mainly because I wasn't feeling well and had mono. We spent the time playing on the NES, sorting through VHS tapes, and watching episodes of The Nostalgic Critic. He didn't trust her around me, but for no good reason. They broke up today.

Food for thought.

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botabota

If he ACTUALLY does love you (which i dont think so) then he should be happy if you are happy.

Personally I dont think you are happy that he's doing this to you, and if after you tell him that you are not happy with the situation and if he doesnt back down then he's no good ... imho.

I also have a feeling sometime that i doesnt want my SO to be spending too much time with some guy, and i tell her that sometime. But i never EVER said that i dont want her to hang out with her guy friends. If there is someone specific that i feel uncomfortable with i would let her know but still would let her go and hang out with the dude(s). As long as she doesnt give me a reason to worry then its okay (not great but okay)

Teufel Hunden

There is much truth in this post.


When you go into a relationship with trust issues and refuse to listen to everyone else who is telling you not to do it, you're just begging for trouble. Now you're talking about ditching all your friends for it (or at least the male ones) in addition, so when the relationship ends badly, as we all think it will, you'll be friendless AND heart broken.

I can see this whole issue from the perspective of a deployed US Marine AND from a long distance relationship sense. Sue, on this board, was with me all through my last deployment to Iraq, and before then, she lived in FL, while i was in CO. I can say with 100% honesty that i never once wondered what she was doing, who she was with, nor did i ever want her to not hang out with a certain type (or sex) of person. Know why? Cause i trusted her. I knew beyond all doubt she wasn't out sleeping around, especially with her male friends because she wanted ME and not them. On the other side of that, she's also never questioned me, or my friends. Hell, i've even texted her from the nudie bar, called her whilst stumbling drunk after getting kicked out of a non-nudie bar, and all kinds of other stuff. She knows i'm not out at these places picking up random girls because she knows i want HER. That's what a real relationship should be like... not about manipulation and control.

You are putting yourself up for a world of hurt. The VERY first time he asked you not to hang out with other men, even if they were your friends before you met him, you should have told him to fuck off. Now, since he's supposedly cut off all his female contacts "out of respect for you," you should once again tell him to fuck off for trying to manipulate you via guilt trip to do what he wants. If he truly wanted YOU, he wouldn't have a problem with any of your friends unless they were truly destructive to you (like drug addicts, criminals, etc), but he doesn't want you, he wants to control you.

ametc

DO NOT GIVE UP FRIENDS FOR HIM. My ex-best friend did this and now she's lonely as fuck and after giving up all her friends, he expected her to give up more of her life for him.

If he wants you to give up your life, that's an abusive relationship. Like guccilvr said, it won't end well, either.

If he wanted to give up his girl friends "out of respect" for you... that's his problem. you never asked him to. If you want to keep your friends and stay with him, make sure you remind your boyfriend that you love him. Often. He may have trust issues or self esteem issues.

Hyacinthe

Trust is the basis of a relationship - if there's no trust there's no relationship.

If he doesn't trust you to have male friends you two have a few major issues to sort out.

Me personally, soon as someone started trying to dictate who I could and could not see socially I would be telling them to f*** off (sorry I don't cuss in RL so it feels even more awkward to type it)

You can share friends - maybe introduce him to your male friends so he gets to know them and sees how you all interat - might calm his fears a bit.

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Baraka_Guru

It's a bad idea to cull your real friends at the request of a false one.

He's afraid of losing you. Fear is a terrible motivator in a relationship.

Are you afraid of losing him?

If you both can't get over this fear, I'm afraid you're doomed.

Your friends are not the problem.

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The_Jazz

If that's what he says, I hope you realize what an incredibly selfish statement it is. If nothing's going on and you have no intention of anything going on, then there's no issues. If you two are serious about one another, then there are serious control issues going on.

But I suspect that you already know that, based on the other thread, and that you're not willing to admit it to anyone, including yourself.

I suggest you take a break from each other for a while and each focus on being single. Neither of you seems ready for anything that requires much giving/compromise, which is pretty important in any relationship but particularly in long distance relationships.

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ngdawg

The first thread about this was locked because, despite all the sound advice/responses, you kept saying you weren't looking for that.

So, I gotta ask, what ARE you looking for by asking a second time? Because if it's affirmation that this is all just fine, doesn't look like you're going to get it. You know the answer to your question or you wouldn't be so intent on hearing what complete strangers have to say.

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World's King

QFT.

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Sue

That's all it seems to be from what I can tell.

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ngdawg

You feel everyone's saying things are fine?
WK: He's cheating on you.
Guc: honest opinion.. this relationship will never last and will end terribly.
Cyn: Why should you pay for his baggage of a previous cheating woman? This isn't fair to you.
RetroGS: He didn't trust her around me, but for no good reason. They broke up today.Food for thought.
CDW: screw that, hang on to your friends
dippin: if you are seriously considering dumping all your friends because of a long distance relationship that is less than 6 months old, you have bigger problems than just your boyfriend's jealousy
botabota: I think you deserve better.
MSD: Let him know the Internet told him to go fuck himself and grow the fuck up.
Teufel: You are putting yourself up for a world of hurt
ametc: DO NOT GIVE UP FRIENDS FOR HIM. My ex-best friend did this and now she's lonely as fuck and after giving up all her friends, he expected her to give up more of her life for him.
Baraka_guru: If you both can't get over this fear, I'm afraid you're doomed.
Your friends are not the problem
The_Jazz: I suggest you take a break from each other for a while and each focus on being single. Neither of you seems ready for anything that requires much giving/compromise,

You guys all rock, btw. Too bad some people don't want to heed what is obviously a unamimous idea: Run like hell.

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Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

Aladdin Sane

1. Would you ever fuck one of your guy friends?
2. Is it titillating to be with your guy friends?
If you answered yes to either of these questions, dump your bf. If you answers no to either one of these questions, dump your bf. In either case, your relationship with your bf is fundamentally fucked.

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Daniel_

We see our own failings magnified in others. The unfaithful will assume everyone else is unfaithful, the liars will assume others are liars, and so on.

He wants you to cut off contact from men, because he cannot believe anyone can have opposite gender friends without sex. This tells you a lot about how his friendships with women work.

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The Echo of a distant time
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kacilinden

From what i knowof his past i agree with this. I believe this is why he cut all ties with all of his female friends.

botabota

If he cut all ties with all of his female friends because he might fuck one of them then i feel sorry for him....
because he cant get enough. From what i see, the only way he can stay faithful to you is to not hang out with any other girls, because he is AFRAID that he will cheat on you! and thats just wrong. It just mean that his feeling for you is not that strong. He just being selfish.
He doesn't believe in you. Thats just unhealthy.

snowy

Nah, I think Sue meant that that's what kacilinden seems to want to hear--she wants to hear that this is normal behavior, when it's not. It's behavior that verges on emotional abuse--and some of the things this guy has apparently said raise red flags to me--especially this:
Sounds like something one of my exes would say after he was done guilt-tripping me for hanging out with a) people that weren't him or his friends, or b) "flirting" with his guy friends (when in fact I was just making polite conversation). Eventually, kacilinden, you will reach a point with this guy where nothing you can do or say is the right thing to do or say.

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Redjake

Isn't this just a rehash of the other thread the OP started that Cynthetiq closed?

http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/tilted-...d-help-me.html

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Sue

Yep, that's exactly what I meant.

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kacilinden

redjake: I wanted peoples opinion on the question i asked without knowing the other stuff I posted.

dippin

and as you can see, even those who didnt know about the previous thread gave pretty much the same advice.