newlyable

Ok so I am 21, a mother of one beautiful little girl, going through a divorce. Somethings I guess are just simply not meant to be. My ex and I have tried everything I can imagine to make this work, it just can't. The arguing was constant, the painful words lasting. But now even though I know this isnt going to work , and that I want this divorce to happen, I find myself wanting to go back out of loneliness. It's almost like I expected someone to just drop in and take me away from all this? It's by far the most complicated, painful, confusing thing I have ever gone through. I know this isnt supposed to be an easy, fun process, But why am I the one crying and him the one moving on with his daily life. I dont expect him to sit around and boo hoo, but damn! I know in the future everythings going to turn out ok, but how do I get through the now?

Plan9

By:

Avoiding him as much as possible. It sounds like he's not interested in recovery, so you need to do damage control.

Keeping your paperwork straight. A lot of people get screwed up during/after a divorce with their money matters.

Focusing on your offspring. Daddy McCrankypants might be leaving, but you'll probably be stuck with a big chunk of baby bills.

Forgetting about relationships and focusing on yourself and your kid. That's what you've got and the kids loves the hell outta ya.

As was said in another thread: be selfish. Engage in the hobbies you like, go hang out with the friends you've been neglecting.

Exercise, take a class in something weird, go live your life. Start to believe that you are your own fortified little island.


...

As a guy with a divorce under his belt: Getting married at 21 is asking for it. Too many volatile hormones and dreams.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Baraka_Guru

Do yourself a favour--listen to Crompsin.

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Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

JumpinJesus

Also understand that his reaction to this has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with how he reacts to things. Don't use it as a way to value yourself, because his reaction to this is worthless as a judge of who you are.

I got married a month after I turned 20. It was one of the most foolish things I ever did.

Just know that as lousy as this is right now, it gets better, and in time you realize that it's the best thing that could have happened to you and you soon become glad that you aren't married to him any more.

Crompsin's advice to focus on yourself and your daughter is good advice. Focus on what makes you happy, not who makes you happy.

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"I can normally tell how intelligent a man is by how stupid he thinks I am" - Cormac McCarthy, All The Pretty Horses

Altavoz

Amen to that. While I haven't been through a divorce, I've had my share of fights with my SO that ended badly, and he never seems to care.. but later, when we talk about it, he opens up.

In short: just because he doesn't show it doesn't mean he's not going through it. Don't go back to him. Try taking a page from his book. Put on a strong face, and smile if you can. You'd be surprised how when you pretend to be happy, you BECOME happy.

tiberry

I won't tell you how many divorces I've been through (its more than 1, less than 3).

This by no stretch of the imagination makes me qualified to give you anything other than my opinion, based on my experience(s).

Divorce sucks, I mean really sucks! It sucks for you, for your children, and believe it or not - whether he knows it now or not, it sucks for him too. But in my opinion, it doesn't suck nearly as bad as living the rest of your life in a loveless marriage; and that applies to all parties listed previously.

My best advice is to:

Follow Crompsin's advice as others have said. Keep focused on the task at hand, because once this gets into lawyer's hands, its all business.

I don't know what you've tried to "make this work" and its really not important. If you believe that your marriage is over then that's all that matters. Only you know what you really feel, but "feeling lonely" doesn't seem to be the best rationale for hanging on.

I've never met you - hell, I haven't even had a conversation with you or replied to a post of yours before. But regardless, I'm willing to bet that you have a lot to offer someone! You deserve to be happy, to be "loved", and to make the most of your life just as much as everyone else does! Focus on the positive, the future you and your daughter have before you, and try not to dwell in the past!

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My life's work is to bridge the gap between that which is perceived by the mind and that which is quantifiable by words and numbers.

Iliftrocks

Just been through a divorce myself, and my ex wife thinks that it doesn't effect me. I'm just trying to hold it together for my daughter, who lives with me. Kids get their cues from their parents. If you act like the world is ending, they will think so also. The good news is, just by being more positive, even if mostly an act, you too will become more positive and start thinking that everything is going to work out. Give yourself some time and breathing room.

Do take Crompsin's advice. Show your child that you are strong and capable and that you are not in any way abandoning her, or giving up on life.

Divorce does suck, btw

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bill hicks - "I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out."