inBOIL

We all know how not to respond: "Good to know", "Thank you", "I love blowjobs", nodding and looking at your watch, and many others. We've all heard you're not supposed to say you love her if you don't mean it. So how do you respond to this when you don't love her?

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And you believe Bush and the liberals and divorced parents and gays and blacks and the Christian right and fossil fuels and Xbox are all to blame, meanwhile you yourselves create an ad where your kid hits you in the head with a baseball and you don't understand the message that the problem is you.

Starkizzer

I'd want the guy to be honest with me. If he really likes me but is not feeling the love yet, say so and let me know if its a possibility he could love me or not. No one wants to waste their time or affections if there is no hope of reciprocation. Or I suppose you could just say I love you back and hope the feelings really do develop but I think that's asking for trouble.

I was so nervous to tell im2smrt4u that I loved him since we had only been dating about a month I said "I think I love you". Thank god he made it easy on me and just said "I love you too!" LOL its kind of our on going joke.

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Frivolity, at the edge of a Moral Swamp, hears Hymn-Singing in the Distance and dons the Galoshes of Remorse. ~Edward Gorey

Xerxys

Can't help you there...... but here's how you can phrase your end......

"I have to tell you something, and you don't have to respond. I've been thinking lately, and I love you."

-------------------------

Honest to all TFP.... I've ever said "oh!!!"

Didn't fly too well............

Maybe say, "I like you very much as well, but I don't think I'm qualified to know what love is, seeing as I've never felt the same for anyone else as I feel for you.... could you please give me some time??"

I'm only 21 so I can get away with the not knowing what love is thing!!!! As for the older TFPer's, your on your own.... I told a girlfriend who said the same thing that I've never said to anyone except my mom that I love them... even my sisters!!! This was true. Despite the fact that I do.

//Threadjack.... Why is it so damn fuckin' easy while I'm typing it!!!!!!!!!!!

Daniel_

Leia: I love you

Han: I know.

Job done.

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╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗
Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

Strange Famous

If you dont love even a bit, I dont know. I mean, I love cheese burgers (although I shouldnt eat them), I love Guiness, I love Inspector Wallander stories - love just means having some kind of affection for a thing or person doesnt it?

Assuming you want to stay with the girl I'd just say "I love you too" - it doesnt mean anything special.

__________________
"Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate,
for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing
hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain
without being uncovered."

The Gospel of Thomas

MrFriendly

It would be nice if we could just be honest and not fuck eachother about for once.

It would be nice if we all had the balls for that.

It's a shame not nearly enough of us do.

Being honest doesn't make you an ass hat. Not being honest about it does.

__________________
You are not a slave

healer

Just be honest. It's what she deserves, and I'm sure it's what you'd want if the shoe were on the other foot.

Xerxys' line's a pretty good one. Just let her know that you're not ready yet and that you need some time. If, however, you know that you'll never feel the same way about her, right after she says "I love you" is not the best time to tell her.

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PonyPotato

A flippant "Like you lots!" isn't the ideal response.

I think "Thank you" is more appropriate than you think. Be honest. "I'm not ready to say it yet, but I really care about you" could work, too.

__________________
"Without passion man is a mere latent force and possibility, like the flint which awaits the shock of the iron before it can give forth its spark."
— Henri-Frédéric Amiel

Seaver

Bah, Dan beat me to it.

__________________
"Smite the rocks with the rod of knowledge, and fountains of unstinted wealth will gush forth." - Ashbel Smith as he laid the first cornerstone of the University of Texas

SabrinaFair

I'm going through a related situation....the words, "I love you" have been LIVING on the tip of my tongue for the past week or so, but I know he's not there yet. I'm almost to the point where I"m OK saying them despite the fact that I probably won't get them in return. I suppose if I had to chose his response, in lieu of the "I love you" return, I suppose it'd be something to the point of, "You're an amazing woman, and I care for you very much." Anything is better than a lie or a stammering, "Uh, um, well, um, uh....thank you, um, uh...."

__________________
"With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy."
-Desiderata

World's King

Punch her in the ovaries.

__________________
heavy is the head that wears the crown

Plan9

This is how I respond to the one-sided love silliness:

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

snowy

Whatever you do, when you do fall in love with her and want to say it back, don't do it in the middle of sex.

Just be honest. I've been the first person to say those three little words in two of my relationships; in the first I said it knowing full well he wasn't ready to say it back, but I wanted him to know. He said that he didn't know when he could say those words back to me and that he cared for me a lot. He said it two weeks later while we were having sex (did I mention it was my first time?). By contrast, when I told my SO that I thought I was falling in love with him, despite the fact we'd only known each other a week, he said he felt exactly the same way. I didn't know what he would say when I said that to him. I just hoped that whatever the response, he would be up front and truthful.

Ultimately, that's the key. You ought to be gentle, caring, and honest in your response. Be considerate for her feelings. She might know that you're not ready to say it yet. You never know.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

ratbastid

By the way, it's good to have enough self-awareness and self-confidence that you can answer this in the moment. Or, failing that, have an answer worked out.

What you DON'T want is to go deer-in-headlights when she says it. That's probably the worst thing you can do.

Plan9

Hahaha, god... talk about a buzzkill. Yet another example of why sex and love are related but shouldn't be mixed.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

KellyC

Hahhahhaahahaa! You bastard.

Winner.

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Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe?
Me: Shit happens.

Sue

My BF, when I first told him I loved him, said to me, Don't think I don't feel the same way as you, but it's just not something I'm ready for yet. I was a teensy bit hurt, but I understood and was patient.

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Teg yw edrych tuag adref.

Strange Famous

Why is it a big deal to anyone to say three simple words?

__________________
"Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate,
for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing
hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain
without being uncovered."

The Gospel of Thomas

Seaver

Because those three words are not little or simple.

__________________
"Smite the rocks with the rod of knowledge, and fountains of unstinted wealth will gush forth." - Ashbel Smith as he laid the first cornerstone of the University of Texas

Baraka_Guru

Agreed.

Many people underestimate the power of words.

Words can hurt; words can heal.

Think about it.

At the same time, one should not lie about "I love you" just to make the other feel better. There are other words. If you do not romantically love someone, you could still express how you feel about them otherwise. You can say how love is a very powerful and demanding thing. But you can also say that you care for someone, or you respect someone, or you enjoy the company of someone.

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

Strange Famous

I sign Christmas cards "love, Adam"... many other people do also.

Of course relationships can be complex and the most emotionally effecting things in our lives - but a simple word doesnt have anymore significance than people want to give it.

__________________
"Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate,
for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing
hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain
without being uncovered."

The Gospel of Thomas

hunnychile

Thank you Seaver. Seriously.

I always knew some guy was pretty much jerking me around whenever he told me, "love you too, babe." Like those three little words were just "words".

I once had a lover say, "I'll never love anyone like the way I'm in love with you."

And I knew then & threre - I was in deep trouble, cause I wasn't as deeply in love with him (we were just 2 horny kids in high school exploring sex in the woods & he was too intense about everything!)

__________________
"I need compassion, understanding and chocolate." - NJB

Plan9

As an editor, do you feel that "love" has been damaged by the proliferation of Newspeak?

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Baraka_Guru

No. Love was damaged by post-1950 wannabe poets.

Newspeak damaged (or destroyed) such words as freedom, truth, justice, democracy, socialism, and fascism.

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

Plan9

My lovemuscle is doubleplusgood.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Baraka_Guru

That's the goodest attitude to have about such things.

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

Seaver

The signing of "Love, Adam" at the end of the letter has problems in translation. It dates from Latin letter writing. There's 6 different words for love in Latin, each being specific. There's friend-love, mother-child love, father-child love, sibling-sibling love, mistress/suiter love, and romantic love. They also had different words for all 6 kisses, if you substituted the wrong word for describing... you could inadvertently accuse a buddy of incest (it caused a number of scandals when Greeks didn't properly grasp Latin). We only have the one word, so the original intent of the signing is not properly conveyed.

Saying "I love you" should never be said if it's not truly meant. The person who initiates it is putting themselves on the line, swallowing all pride and opening themselves up to whatever comes. While it helps in the short run to fake it, the hurt would be amplified by deception.

__________________
"Smite the rocks with the rod of knowledge, and fountains of unstinted wealth will gush forth." - Ashbel Smith as he laid the first cornerstone of the University of Texas

Bear Cub

She says "I love you", you drop your pants and say "prove it."

__________________
Living in the United Socialist States of America.

MrFriendly

Maybe I'll have another stab at articulating my thoughts on this.

I've been in this position before, long ago, when I was a weaker person. Hell, I was just a teenager. Someone truly loved me, but my love for them had wilted. I did care for her, but I just didn't really reciprocate the feelings she had for me. Instead of growing some balls and just telling her how I felt, I said nothing and went on with the relationship. It was gutless, and in the end, not saying something sooner had hurt her far more than being up front. I felt nothing but shame over that.

It's a tricky situation. But really, not being honest about how you feel under the pretense of not wanting to hurt them is, in my opinion, simple projection of your own fear and insecurity. That, and it ends up making it far worse in the end.

Being honest with people can hurt them sometimes, that's the nature of truth, a lot of the time we simply don't like it. But at least it's real, at least you know where you stand, and at least you can go to bed at night know you've been true to yourself.

The other thing to consider is, that while they might be hurt you don't reciprocate your feelings for them, they will get over it. Unless they're the bat shit crazy stalkerish types, unfortunately you'll run into the odd one or two.

I think far to many people have a strange Hollywood idea of love where everything works out in the end and it's all peaches and cream. As many of you will all be too painfully aware, it isn't. Love is much like the earth, it can be beautiful and amazing, and it can be cold an unforgiving.

__________________
You are not a slave

Anormalguy

Try "I love me, too."

__________________
In a society where the individual is not free to pursue the truth...there is neither progress, stability nor security.--Edward R. Murrow

thespian86

I pulled the Han once and it worked very well. It was literally my single, one cool moment of all time.

__________________
EX: Whats new?
ME: I officially love coffee more then you now.
EX: uh...
ME: So, not much.

blahblah454

Don't leave us at that punkmusic, how did turn out?

The last girl who I had love-ish feelings for ended up crushing me pretty amazingly. She told me first that she was falling in love with me, and I felt that way towards her from almost the moment I met her. I told her that I felt the same way. Things were amazing, then 2 or so months later she just up and never talks to me for almost a week, I get some text messages on my phone on Christmas Eve saying that she was taking things too fast and thats it. Have not really talked to her since, a few updates on the life via email.

I am now slightly jaded towards love.

Seaver

Done it twice myself... both times I get a WHAT?!?! And then a long, silent evening.

__________________
"Smite the rocks with the rod of knowledge, and fountains of unstinted wealth will gush forth." - Ashbel Smith as he laid the first cornerstone of the University of Texas

snowy

That's a bummer. I have more of a sense of humor than that (I hope), plus I'm a huge geek. If some guy pulled the Han on me, I would probably laugh.

I should try it on my SO.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Lucifer

I have never signed a Christmas card "love, Adam."

__________________
I am a brother to dragons, and a companion to owls.
- Job 30:29

1123, 6536, 5321

skier

been through this, we both knew at that point what the situation was...

there isn't a proper response. "thank you", "i know", hugging her or whatever isn't enough.

__________________
"Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

ItWasMe

I think it depends on where you are in the relationship, and why you are in the relationship. You aren't at the 'love' stage because it's too early for you but you are headed that way, it's an old relationship gone stale and you no longer love her, it's a FWB where one person became more attached, it's early on and you're just not that into her but she is into you ... not sure which the OP meant, or if she meant any of them. For my answer, I'll go with "it's early on, you are into her, but it's too early for you to proclaim love."

"You're special to me, too" followed with a kiss. ~ or ~
"You are becoming special to me, too."

would convey that you are not quite on the same page yet.

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. . . . . . . . . . . . . .


"Ok, no more truth-or-dare until somebody returns my underwear" ~ George Lopez

I bake cookies just so I can lick the bowl. ~ ItWasMe

Hyacinthe

I almost ruined my current relationship by admitting I thought I was beginning to love the guy.

In all honesty though I can understand why, we started out as FwB and you all know my "you start to like them as more then that and you end things immediately" outlook.

Thing was we were already beyond that stage at the time, I'd met his family, he'd met mine, I was staying over there ALOT and the like, we were already a couple and just in denial about it.

I immediately followed up with a "sorry, I know you probably don't feel the same and I don't expect you to but I thought you should know. "If you want to end things I totally understand."

So his response was along the lines of "I don't know if I love you yet but I know I care about you far more then I would if I considered you just a friend"

I was fine with that.

I think when it comes to saying you love someone honesty is definitely the best policy.

__________________
"I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiles even when her heart is broken... and the one that could brighten up your day even if she couldnt brighten her own"

"Her emotions were clear waters. You could see the scarring and pockmarks at the bottom of the pool, but it was just a part of her landscape – the consequences of others’ actions in which she claimed no part."

thespian86

hahaha well. I had been interested in my best friend for a long time and we had the terrible, awkward conversation that night, in a park. It was incredibly cliche. But when she dropped me off at my place I looked at her and said "I love you" and she smiled and grabbed my hand for a minute but didn't reply. I played it cool (but was terribly nervous on the inside) and got out of the car with a wink and walked away. As I was walking she got out of the car and said "I love you too". I didn't turn around and just said "I know".

It was a risk. Somehow she found it charming.

__________________
EX: Whats new?
ME: I officially love coffee more then you now.
EX: uh...
ME: So, not much.

Plan9

...and then the credits rolled, right?

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."