Houseguests...How much say do we have?
 

OK, quick summarization. Wife's daughter, her husband and daughter are staying with us for an indefinite period until they can get on their feet. Biggest hurdle is both the adults are on disability, and have limited income. They've not used the one check they received while with us very wisely, and are now pawning some stuff to make it until the next check. Problem is, they haven't offered us much in the way of compensation of the money the owe us ($800) and with the stuff being pawned, I'm afraid that we won't see any money from this next check either.

So now I pose the question. Given the situation, what would the limitations be on how much say my wife and I have on the way they handle money? I mean, with them under our roof, it sure feels like we shouldn't have many restrictions. My wife and I have agreed to discuss the situation and come forward with a united front, so we won't be going into this blindly disagreeing with one another. Opinions?

If they owe you money and you know them personally AND you're letting them stay in your house, they should be buying CHEAP food ($1 cans of food), buying ZERO entertainment, nothing but absolute necessities until you're paid off. Anything else is a slap in the face. If they are just getting by and not wasting any money, fine. But if they are using any of the money they receive for entertainment or being wasteful in any manner than you have every right to tell them to get the fuck out or pay up.

It depends on what you agreed on in the first place when they came to stay. If there was a defined "you pay us X-amount each week or month in order to stay here" or some other arrangement in place and they aren't living up to that, then say what you will.

If you just said "hey, come stay with us" and made no financial or other arrangements, well, more fool you, I guess.

When I graduated from college & returned home to live - until I found a good job, my parents expected me to chip in on groceries to cover my part of "rent, i.e. house payment". Now, all the parents I know - would NEVER think to even ask their kids to "help out" and I find that so very sad. Those kids seem to think the world owes them everything, which makes for some pretty narrow-minded lazy kids. (You know this is true)...If you don't have a job, at least use some of your unemployment money to help pay for groceries esp. at your folks. Or do a project they need done like painting some rooms or fixing their garage door or planting a garden. Whatever!

Unless, of course, the folks are millionaires, in which case, you should be embarressed to live on their "dime" anyhow and think you're special like Paris Hilton ...Ha! No talent what so ever, but - wow she can spend that trust fund!

I think you should start, if you already haven't, by asking them what their plans are to achieve financial freedom. I wouldn't worry too much about the $$$ just yet - if they just hit rock bottom are in shock and the normal stuff, I probably wouldn't give them too much shit at first. I'd do it more in the way of offering to help them get a grip on their finances and their lifestyles - make it sort of a collaborative project because you love them and all that jazz. In this way, you can probably kill two birds with one stone, as they say. Get them to start budgeting and making a plan to spend their money wisely, repay y'all and hopefully get back on their feet...and avoid the sort of nasty confrontations and ego shots that can cause damaged relationships for years to come. At the end of the day - they are your family and 20-30+ years of old simmering anger, embarrassment, and resentment can be real bitches. If they are directly and seriously impacting your finances, then you need to have the old "We don't want to piss down your back, but we can't sustain this situation, so we've got to develop a plan..." Bring out some numbers, show them what you can and can't do, and usually people can (should be able to) deal reasonably. Make it less personal, more pragmatic business. Don't criticize, but suggest better alternatives.

If that doesn't work, then it's off to tough love camp. But I wouldn't start there.

However, I think you definitely have a right to have some say in how they spend their money, seeing as you are providing them with shelter at the least...and maybe food and clothing too.

Depending on the age of the daughter, I'd do my best to shield her from this situation.

When I moved back from college briefly to my parents place for a few months my mother made it very clear: I could work, and she'd let me stay for free, and if I claimed benefits, she'd bill me full market rate for a room and board in our town.

if it becomes a burden on you, it changes the status quo and you need to let them know that.

i'd also worry about your own personal things being pawned. thats reality for you.

I think Pig came closest to what I was thinking. Offer to go over what they have, where they're going, etc. Don't accuse, don't get flustered or angry.
I'm sure they don't like the situation much either.
Are the disabilities permanent? Can they work at all?
By offering to sit with them and go over how best to manage their limited finances, you come off looking more like a friend and less like an ogre.

I think the most important thing is to have rules and boundaries, and everything (esp between you and your wife) understood up front. One would hope that they understand that staying with you is a huge imposition to begin with, and do the best they can to avoid being any more of a burden then absolutely necessary. But one would be an idealist.

I definately agree with pig and Lasereth though not so much in Lasereth's words.... I mean, don't be unkind. You will be surprised how much people can make the same mistake over and over again. Just tell them you have to get a plan to get them free of being guests and into their own home for one reason and one reason only, THEY ARE ADULTS!!

They will soon come to realize, despite how much crap you cvan take from them, that they dont like living with their parents. Also, don't worry about the cash until they are somewhat semi-settled then hound them until they can't breath. As long as your supportive, this will end well for the both of you and faster than you think.

|||THREADJACK let's not pick on Paris......
/Threadjack.

Feel free to "change the rules" on them.
Your house. Your rules. Your way.

Just be aware that they may find other living arrangements if they ever disagree with your methods. Given the situation, this may not be a bad thing.

You're never going to see the money they owe you and you're going to end up kicking them out in a few months when you can't put up with them mooching anymore.

how much are they spending on cigarettes?

Bears repeating, because this is what will happen.

And I hope that the united front of you and your wife holds up at that point. :expressionless:

Our fair motorcycle maiden, ngdawg, has sound advice again. A kinder, gentler approach is likely to be the best way to get their attention. The only thing that I would add is to start this dialogue with them absolutely as soon as possible. The longer you wait, the more likely it is that things will go from bad to worse and when they become intolerable, it is much more likely that tempers will flair. You'll be speaking, or shouting, from an emotionally fraught position, rather than the calm, collected approach that might actually get them to pay attention and make some constructive changes.

Also as someone else mentioned, if they are smokers or drinkers, those are two very expensive habits that they can cut out right the hell now.

So they've only been with you for how long? If they've only received one check, it sounds like they've been with you for between two weeks and a month.. that's not a long time to get back on your feet! When I moved out from my parents' house, my boyfriend paid my rent and bills for months before I was able to finally get enough saved up to pay him back and stand up on my own.

I would just say be aware that it may take them a while to get moving again. You've done a very kind thing by opening up your hospitality to them. If they're not being too much of a burden on you financially, I'd say to think of it as karma, or doing a good deed for someone, because they'd do the same for you.

If they WOULDN'T do the same for you, or if they continue being spendthrifts with their money or being obnoxious houseguests, you are completely in the right to ask them for your money back and suggest they find somewhere else to stay. You're being gracious by allowing them some time to get things together, they should be equally as gracious.

Since they spent their money ridiculously the first time, you should set up a payment system, like any debtor would. Make them make the payments every month or you may just have to cut your losses and kick them out.