Gf cheated, Need Advice Now
 

This is my problem, my ex and i are thinking about getting back together. We broke up because she was talking to this other kid, Nicky, named changed. Well my ex and Nicky got together for about 4 days, then he dumped her for his own ex. So we went out tonight as friends and i thought things were going well. Later tonight i found out that a few days before we broke up she had cheated on me with Nicky. No sex because they had problem, but she did give him oral. I love her and i want to be with her, i want to be able to forgive for that, but should i. When i found this out, it felt like she ripped my heart out, threw it in a blender and turned it on mince. Should i forgive her for what she did? I love her to death and i think she could be the girl for me.

Getting back together should be easy enough. Getting over the fact that she's cheated on you and rebuilding the trust you had is the hard part.

So long as you're both willing enough to put in the work, why not?

Everyone makes mistakes, the question is, did she make the mistake in cheating on you, or are you going to make the mistake in taking her back.

If you think you can get over it and are not the jealous type, take her back.

In order to make getting back together with someone work (insofar as not falling back into old patterns), I firmly believe one has to go through the full motions of breaking up and moving on before they can even think about "starting over" or "trying again". There is no starting over in a prolonged break-up situation because it never is over. Not completely.

then again, if she feels the same way and you're both willing enough to make it work, you should give it another try... this type of getting back together, to me, has the continuity that accounts for one relationship. if both people are still on the same page, the 'one relationship' can still keep on going for as long as it will..

Is the ex only considering getting back together because "Nicky" dumped her? If that's the case I'd tell her to fuck off. It just sounds like she wants to use you as a security blanket until someone better comes along.

i've talk to her, and she doesnt know if we are going to get back together. she doesnt know what she wants right now. she is sorry for it and wishes it didnt happen. i asked her if she enjoyed it and she said no because she knew it was wrong. yeah f we dont get back together the cheatig thing is going to eat at me. this is the second time i've been cheated on. she didnt tell me, i had to find out from the guy, and when i was told i was driving and i about had to pull over to throw up i got so sick when i hear it. i dont know what that means, i dont know if me getting sick means that i truely loved her. some of her friends are pissed at her and say that she doesnt deserve to have me in her life. i hope she takes me back, because i'm willing to take her back.
-----Added 3/1/2009 at 02 : 07 : 43-----
yeah my ex could be using me because we've had sex, and i told her that if we get back together we are not having sex for a long ass time. not until we're ready this time or until we can handle the emotions that comes with it.

Bingo.

Get rid of her.

Question by way of clarification before I respond... Does she know that you know about the BJ with the other guy before you split up?

First she cheats on you, and then you say something like this:
You sir, need to grow a pair.
She says she doesn't know what she wants; this (and her actions) probably means she doesn't want you all that much.

i had no fucking clue about that happening, i broke up with her last week. she had cheated on me earlier in the week. i did ask her if she did what he said and she said yes, so she was honest about it, and i think the only reason she was honest was because she wants me to forgive her and hopefully take her back.
-----Added 3/1/2009 at 02 : 49 : 16-----
inBoil, thanks for that, and maybe i was blinded by love, because i do love this girl alot. i also knew she could do this because she cheat on her last bf before me, with me. so maybe i was stupid for even going out with her. in fact what she did with him was pretty much the same thing we did, but we didnt try to have sex.

OK in light of everything that's been said... my advice is move on... I'm sorry to say she's doesn't sound like she is worth it.

If you however choose to try and make a go of it with her, you need to have a serious conversation where some rules and boundary's are drawn.

To me that says everything that needs to be said. If you really love this girl then you should atleast attempt to be with her, not for her sake, for yours, because if you don't then you'll always wonder.

Worst thing that could happen is you get back together she cheats on you again and you realise that she doesn't feel the same way you do and you move on.

Or she could have realised that she's made a terrible mistake and how much you mean to her and you could live happily ever after (not that I believe in the whole riding into the sunset ending). Her wanting to take some time could be her trying to figure out whether she's willing to make the commitment and actually mean it this time.

You make it sound as though she's doing you some kind of favour or sacrificing something by being in a relationship with you so one thing I want you to keep in mind is that YOU are taking HER back. She is not doing you any favours by deciding to be with you, she f'd up. She is lucky you are even enterntaining the thought of trusting her again. Either you both want to be together or you should not be.

If this relationship is going to work you need to realise that unless otherwise decided you are (or in my humble opinion should be) equals in the relationship. Don't let her hang the end of the relationship over your head like some kind of ultimate punishment, and don't let yourself be afraid to end it if you think she's treating you badly. If she's doing so she's not worth your time and love.You lived before she was in your life, you'll live if she decides to leave it, it'll just hurt for a bit.

Fact is you're the only one that can make the decision as to whether or not you can forgive what she has done and whether you're willing to take the risk of suffering that emotional anguish again if she cheats on you.

Probably. In most cases if someone cheats on their SO with you they probably aren't very good relationship material. I guess there are always exceptions to the rule, but I'd never put my trust in someone like that.

Just try to look at her as one more girl, and move on. Women(and guys)are a dime a dozen and there are plenty out there you could get along with just as well.

Exactly.

Don't let her do it to you again. From her track record she surely will.

Give yourself some credit for being the good guy. You deserve better, and she is so not worth it.

So: serial cheater who gets caught rather than coming clean. Doesn't sound to me like solid relationship material.

Some people are just addicted to drama, you know? It's not just the sex or the intimacy, it's the complexity and drama of juggling the lies and subterfuge. From the little you've said, it sounds like that's her. Such people are exciting and easy to get caught up in. And it's fine to get caught up in them, but you have to know what you're taking on. Even if she manages to keep it in her pants, there'll probably always be SOMETHING.

At the risk of being accused of "groupthink", I would suggest that you should not get back with her because as sure as day follows night she will cheat on you.

Worse than that, you KNOW she will cheat on you, so you will send the rest of your time together with her wondering who it is with, and become obsessive about her contacts.

But the final choice rests with your heart.

Good luck.

The nemesis of fishsticks is correct in her assessment.

I read the title, knew my answer.

I read the replies, knew my answer.

I read YOUR replies, and holy hell that answer is clear.

Dump the expletive.

The easiest advice: Cut her out of your life and find someone worth your time.

I'd recommend ditching her like-whoa and going somewhere else.

For no reason at all, I think oral infidelity is worse than crotch infidelity.

Get with her hotter friend in my opinion.

"Blinded by love" = letting yourself be walked all over by her. I'd kick her to the curb.

LEAVE. NOW. Fuck people who dump other people just to 'experiment.' Unless she's ready to apologize and show you how trustworthy she is, I'd say goodbye.

When your heart is breaking the above statement is the last thing you want to hear; but it is the truth. You don't want to hear it because you really believe they are the one. You don't want to think about any other fish. But the truth is, relationships do continue to get better and when you meet the next special someone, you will wish you had met them sooner.....until the next someone special. Good luck honey, but you need to get rid of this one.

I'll say exactly what I said in a similar thread some umpteen years ago...and that is: as the fishstick has stated, relationships have to heal before you can start it again. no matter what, if y'all eventually get back together, it will be different. if nothing else, she has exposed a "moral" weakness...a big no no...and that can bring a greater sense of trust in the relationship. however, the blinders should be off at this point. she's not perfect...she's a person...and a person who made a bad, and (thanks rat) overly melodramatic choice. i think that if you want this relationship to work...whether that be as a couple, or as friends...you need to really let the old relationship die. if she finds someone else in the interim, then it wasn't meant to be. she should be willing to work on it...you say "no sex" for a while...well, a "relationship" with no sex is basically the development of a solid friendship. however, if you don't change the ground rules of your old relationship, then you're more than likely going to be stuck in a cycle with her. i hate to say it, but in some sense I doubt she will respect you if you just take her back. the subconscious message is that she can walk all over you, and you'll let it slide.

so you have to ask yourself - i think: is cheating something you will tolerate, or is not? if it is, then welcome to the monkeyhouse. if it's not, then you have to ask yourself - i think: do you actually really seriously care about her? if not, then fuck it. let it go. if you do: then do you love her enough to be her friend, regardless of where that takes your relationship...and even if you don't end up back together as a couple?

i think you've got to reboot the system if there's any chance of a healthy relationship...whether that be as lovers or friends.

I want to point out that I'm posting this advice without knowing your X-GF side of the story.

On one hand, I think that you've answered your own question. On the other hand, the two of you might make a relationship work, but it would require a lot of effort by both of you.

It sounds as though your X-GF needs to her space.

BTDT, got the shirt. Grow some cajones and get the fuck out. Ain't worth it.