My Friend, The Proud Alcoholic. - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

EleqTrizi'T · 04-19-2004, 02:11 PM

I have quite the serious dilemma.

I have a friend, we'll call him Jim. He's 40 years old, single, my work-out partner, a drug-dealer and he's a big-time alcoholic.

Jim will come to work 4 out of 5 days hungover, and is hungover Sat and Sun as well. To his credit, he DOES come to work, and he DOES do his work, but he does it at the pace you'd expect a hungover man to do it.

You're probably thinking, I need to have an intervention, or something to try and help him... but that's my problem.

Jim is awfully proud of his ability to consume massive amounts of alcohol. I've started out by saying, "Jim about that 24-pack and bottle of wine you consumed last night.." before he will interrupt me with, "Oh man you should of come over! I cooked up a big'ol 22 oz steak, smoked two bowls of bud and had a ton of beer. I was celebrating!"

That's another thing. Jim's enabler is finding excuses to celebrate something. Anything. Doesn't matter. It could from the US capturing Saddam to the end of his child support payments to his favorite singer winning on American Idol that night.

To make matters worse, Jim is a health nut's worst nightmare. He claims to be "doing the Atkin's", which I couldn't care less about except he doesn't do it right and has Gout. He firmly believes that fruits and vegetables are BAAAAAD, while marijuana is perfectly OK but "It's natural."

So let me repeat that, everything that is natural is considered healthy to Jim, except fruits and veggies.

He also will drink entire bottles of red wine, "because red wine is good for you". I've already tried explaining to him that it's a glass that's considered good, not the whole bottle. He claims he's just being "extra healthy."

Jim really believes in the things he says. Jim doesn't think he has a drinking problem, but a "gift" for putting away alcohol.

I don't know what to do. Five years ago when he was 35 he told me he was 28 and I believed him. Now he looks 55 and he's only 40.

Jim is also beginning to show signs of moderate brain damage from the weed and booze. He tells the same stories to you repeatedly, and has trouble paying attention. He didn't used to be this way.

What in the world do you tell a man who's in love with his bad habits?

Angel · 04-19-2004, 04:41 PM

Print this thread and the replies and give it to him.

Write in a seperate letter addressed directly to him what you have said here and all of the feelings you have. Often times people "hear" more when they have to read it and can't interrupt you with a justification, excuse or explaination.

Bottom line is that it sounds as though he is well under the clutches of addiction. He has all of the symptoms especially denial. A true intervention with family, friends and a professional can encourage someone to get help but in the end it is up to the individual to do the work...the hard part that no addict wants to do. One often wants to be clean but the work seems too overwhelming to get there.

You also may want to get some AA literature and give it to him. There are tons of pamplets on alcoholism and intervention that can be quite helpful. I admire your concern for him and your desire to seek suggestions on how to help. Good luck.

By the way, I can assure you, he isn't "proud" deep down there is a whole lot of shame going on covered by the "convincing bragg."

cherriesue · 04-19-2004, 05:43 PM

He may say he feels that he has a "gift" but he knows he has a problem. Maybe you should try asking him if he wants any help with it? Sometimes you get stuck in a routine and don't know how to break it. It sounds like the guy is pretty lonely. In the meantime maybe you should let Jim do what he wants...he'll kick back on it when he gets fed up with being drunk/hungover all of the time.

Lebell · 04-19-2004, 05:46 PM

I'm sorry to tell you that your friend is by no means unique.

There are millions out there just like him.

And they all die young deaths.

From what you've described, I would guess Jim will be dead in less than 5 years.

thespian86 · 04-20-2004, 04:27 PM

I would give it to him straight, "It may not be my bussiness but..." It's difficult to talk to a friend about this but if he is your friend he should relise that your worried. He should also want to hear what you say. I agree with what Angel said. It would be easier to write a letter, much less awkward and there are no interruptions. He is in trouble and you should help because it seems that no one else does. Also, maybe you should try to spend some more time with him because time spent with you means less time getting wasted. Hope that helps! Good Luck

SabrinaFair · 10-27-2008, 04:08 AM

Whatever you do, deal with *him*. (which I'm sure you planned to do) The only attempt at an "intervention" I've ever been privy to involved a friend of mine (Z) going to the guy's mentor (R) and telling R that the guy (P) had a drinking problem. Needless to say, P got pissed. Even more pissed considering P was NOT an alcoholic....I'm certainly not saying that this is something you would do, I'm just relating that this was an exceptionally ugly intervention, the aftershocks of which resonated in extreme resentment within a closely-knit group of friends.

Are there any other friends shared between you and Jim? Do they recognize the problem? If he hears this more than once, it may help bring it on home for him.

soma · 10-27-2008, 04:17 AM

Isn't gout and alcohol a recipe for disaster?

Cynthetiq · 10-27-2008, 04:21 AM

4 year old thread brought up by a spammer... I wonder how Jim is....

is he dead? is he sober? is he still partying and drinking like it was 1999?

SabrinaFair · 10-27-2008, 05:29 AM

Wow, didn't notice the date...I just saw it at the top of the board. That shows me to TFP before coffee...

mixedsubstance · 10-27-2008, 01:13 PM

WOW- Even though this is a 4-yr-old thread (weird), here are my 2cents....

Honestly, I've been in this situation (as in yours) multiple times (why do they come to me?) Anyways-

He is the type that no matter what you do or say (for that matter anyone) he WILL NOT listen.

What I've learned that works:
A- Tough love - don't hang out with him if you don't prefer what he does. Tell him that you're not interested in hearing how much he consumed the night before. Be straight up.

B- Let the karma flow. Unfortunately, something needs to slap him in the face for him to realize what he's doing is bad for him. A DUI, an accident (god forbid), etc. People like this need to learn their lesson somehow- and even though the hardest ways are the best ways, that's the only way he will learn. IF he even cares. i'm sure there's plenty of people who get DUI after DUI, have gotten in accidents, gotten busted with drugs, etc. yet it still doesn't phase them and they keep repeating their habits til the day they die.

thingstodo · 11-03-2008, 02:49 AM

Wow...I wish we could learn about where Jim is today.

Adonis1782 · 11-08-2008, 05:41 PM

I don't think you can do anything for him. If he wants to do better he will try. Be there for him if he puts forth the effort.

If you confront him about it, he will either blow it off, say he'll do better and not, start an argument, or perhaps hear what you have to say and decide to make an effort to quit or cut back.

After thanksgiving, it will be a year since I've had a drink. A good friend of mine was supposed to quit with me. He only lasted five days and he still drinks to this day.

Ayashe · 11-08-2008, 06:00 PM

Chances are that his "reasoning" is not all that heartfelt. He knows that two bottles is too much, he knows a case of beer is over the top. He is excusing his own behavior, covering himself up. There isn't a thing that you can do, a calamity maybe will persuade him to change his ways, hard to say. He has to make the moves for himself and it doesn't sound like he is prepared to do so.

lotsofmagnets · 11-09-2008, 03:13 AM

considering EleqTrizi'T last logged in only 5 days ago i guess the chances of finding out may not be so bad...

Xerxys · 11-10-2008, 10:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lotsofmagnets

considering EleqTrizi'T last logged in only 5 days ago i guess the chances of finding out may not be so bad...

I have really been waiting for this guy to post again, I really want news on the dude!!!

Dixy · 11-11-2008, 12:12 AM

This reminds me of a friend of mine, who was also hell bent on drinking himself to a standstill. Despite help from the company he worked for and all his friends, he just seemed in a way doomed, I think.

I still believe he drank that much because he was socially inept. He could only really start interacting after a couple of drinks. He often said he drank to make people interesting.

I have not seen him in many years but I always give street beggars a second look, because somehow I thought that that is where he would end up....

04-19-2004, 02:11 PM	#1 (permalink)
EleqTrizi'T Insane	My Friend, The Proud Alcoholic. I have quite the serious dilemma. I have a friend, we'll call him Jim. He's 40 years old, single, my work-out partner, a drug-dealer and he's a big-time alcoholic. Jim will come to work 4 out of 5 days hungover, and is hungover Sat and Sun as well. To his credit, he DOES come to work, and he DOES do his work, but he does it at the pace you'd expect a hungover man to do it. You're probably thinking, I need to have an intervention, or something to try and help him... but that's my problem. Jim is awfully proud of his ability to consume massive amounts of alcohol. I've started out by saying, "Jim about that 24-pack and bottle of wine you consumed last night.." before he will interrupt me with, "Oh man you should of come over! I cooked up a big'ol 22 oz steak, smoked two bowls of bud and had a ton of beer. I was celebrating!" That's another thing. Jim's enabler is finding excuses to celebrate something. Anything. Doesn't matter. It could from the US capturing Saddam to the end of his child support payments to his favorite singer winning on American Idol that night. To make matters worse, Jim is a health nut's worst nightmare. He claims to be "doing the Atkin's", which I couldn't care less about except he doesn't do it right and has Gout. He firmly believes that fruits and vegetables are BAAAAAD, while marijuana is perfectly OK but "It's natural." So let me repeat that, everything that is natural is considered healthy to Jim, except fruits and veggies. He also will drink entire bottles of red wine, "because red wine is good for you". I've already tried explaining to him that it's a glass that's considered good, not the whole bottle. He claims he's just being "extra healthy." Jim really believes in the things he says. Jim doesn't think he has a drinking problem, but a "gift" for putting away alcohol. I don't know what to do. Five years ago when he was 35 he told me he was 28 and I believed him. Now he looks 55 and he's only 40. Jim is also beginning to show signs of moderate brain damage from the weed and booze. He tells the same stories to you repeatedly, and has trouble paying attention. He didn't used to be this way. What in the world do you tell a man who's in love with his bad habits?

04-19-2004, 04:41 PM	#2 (permalink)
Angel Naughty Just Right Location: Euphoria	Print this thread and the replies and give it to him. Write in a seperate letter addressed directly to him what you have said here and all of the feelings you have. Often times people "hear" more when they have to read it and can't interrupt you with a justification, excuse or explaination. Bottom line is that it sounds as though he is well under the clutches of addiction. He has all of the symptoms especially denial. A true intervention with family, friends and a professional can encourage someone to get help but in the end it is up to the individual to do the work...the hard part that no addict wants to do. One often wants to be clean but the work seems too overwhelming to get there. You also may want to get some AA literature and give it to him. There are tons of pamplets on alcoholism and intervention that can be quite helpful. I admire your concern for him and your desire to seek suggestions on how to help. Good luck. By the way, I can assure you, he isn't "proud" deep down there is a whole lot of shame going on covered by the "convincing bragg." __________________ In the depth of winter, I finally learned that there was within me an invincible summer. ~Albert Camus Last edited by Angel; 04-19-2004 at 04:44 PM..

04-19-2004, 05:43 PM	#3 (permalink)
cherriesue Insane Location: trying to avoid being groped	He may say he feels that he has a "gift" but he knows he has a problem. Maybe you should try asking him if he wants any help with it? Sometimes you get stuck in a routine and don't know how to break it. It sounds like the guy is pretty lonely. In the meantime maybe you should let Jim do what he wants...he'll kick back on it when he gets fed up with being drunk/hungover all of the time. __________________ we die only once and for such a long time

04-19-2004, 05:46 PM	#4 (permalink)
Lebell Cracking the Whip Location: Sexymama's arms...	I'm sorry to tell you that your friend is by no means unique. There are millions out there just like him. And they all die young deaths. From what you've described, I would guess Jim will be dead in less than 5 years. __________________ "Of all tyrannies, a tyranny exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience." – C. S. Lewis The ONLY sponsors we have are YOU! Please Donate! Last edited by Lebell; 04-19-2004 at 05:49 PM..

04-20-2004, 04:27 PM	#5 (permalink)
thespian86 change is hard. Location: the green room.	I would give it to him straight, "It may not be my bussiness but..." It's difficult to talk to a friend about this but if he is your friend he should relise that your worried. He should also want to hear what you say. I agree with what Angel said. It would be easier to write a letter, much less awkward and there are no interruptions. He is in trouble and you should help because it seems that no one else does. Also, maybe you should try to spend some more time with him because time spent with you means less time getting wasted. Hope that helps! Good Luck __________________ EX: Whats new? ME: I officially love coffee more then you now. EX: uh... ME: So, not much.

10-27-2008, 04:08 AM	#6 (permalink)
SabrinaFair Junkie Location: Louisville, KY	Whatever you do, deal with him. (which I'm sure you planned to do) The only attempt at an "intervention" I've ever been privy to involved a friend of mine (Z) going to the guy's mentor (R) and telling R that the guy (P) had a drinking problem. Needless to say, P got pissed. Even more pissed considering P was NOT an alcoholic....I'm certainly not saying that this is something you would do, I'm just relating that this was an exceptionally ugly intervention, the aftershocks of which resonated in extreme resentment within a closely-knit group of friends. Are there any other friends shared between you and Jim? Do they recognize the problem? If he hears this more than once, it may help bring it on home for him. __________________ "With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy." -Desiderata

10-27-2008, 04:17 AM	#7 (permalink)
soma Addict Location: USA	Isn't gout and alcohol a recipe for disaster? __________________ Having Girl Problems?

10-27-2008, 04:21 AM	#8 (permalink)
Cynthetiq Tilted Cat Head Administrator Location: Manhattan, NY	4 year old thread brought up by a spammer... I wonder how Jim is.... is he dead? is he sober? is he still partying and drinking like it was 1999? __________________ I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not. What's the best nation in the world? DO-NATION!

10-27-2008, 05:29 AM	#9 (permalink)
SabrinaFair Junkie Location: Louisville, KY	Wow, didn't notice the date...I just saw it at the top of the board. That shows me to TFP before coffee... __________________ "With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy." -Desiderata

10-27-2008, 01:13 PM	#10 (permalink)
mixedsubstance Crazy Location: Where the wild things are.	WOW- Even though this is a 4-yr-old thread (weird), here are my 2cents.... Honestly, I've been in this situation (as in yours) multiple times (why do they come to me?) Anyways- He is the type that no matter what you do or say (for that matter anyone) he WILL NOT listen. What I've learned that works: A- Tough love - don't hang out with him if you don't prefer what he does. Tell him that you're not interested in hearing how much he consumed the night before. Be straight up. B- Let the karma flow. Unfortunately, something needs to slap him in the face for him to realize what he's doing is bad for him. A DUI, an accident (god forbid), etc. People like this need to learn their lesson somehow- and even though the hardest ways are the best ways, that's the only way he will learn. IF he even cares. i'm sure there's plenty of people who get DUI after DUI, have gotten in accidents, gotten busted with drugs, etc. yet it still doesn't phase them and they keep repeating their habits til the day they die. __________________ Well, isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic?!? Without energy, there would be nothing.

11-03-2008, 02:49 AM	#11 (permalink)
thingstodo A Storm Is Coming Location: The Great White North	Wow...I wish we could learn about where Jim is today. __________________ If you're wringing your hands you can't roll up your shirt sleeves. Stangers have the best candy.

11-08-2008, 05:41 PM	#12 (permalink)
Adonis1782 Upright Location: Chapel Hill, North Carolina	I don't think you can do anything for him. If he wants to do better he will try. Be there for him if he puts forth the effort. If you confront him about it, he will either blow it off, say he'll do better and not, start an argument, or perhaps hear what you have to say and decide to make an effort to quit or cut back. After thanksgiving, it will be a year since I've had a drink. A good friend of mine was supposed to quit with me. He only lasted five days and he still drinks to this day. __________________ " yer damned if you do and yer damned if you don't " -Bart Simpson

11-08-2008, 06:00 PM	#13 (permalink)
Ayashe Psycho	Chances are that his "reasoning" is not all that heartfelt. He knows that two bottles is too much, he knows a case of beer is over the top. He is excusing his own behavior, covering himself up. There isn't a thing that you can do, a calamity maybe will persuade him to change his ways, hard to say. He has to make the moves for himself and it doesn't sound like he is prepared to do so. __________________ I am only a little spoon in a huge world of soup.

11-09-2008, 03:13 AM	#14 (permalink)
lotsofmagnets Upright Location: reykjavík, iceland	considering EleqTrizi'T last logged in only 5 days ago i guess the chances of finding out may not be so bad... __________________ mother nature made the aeroplane, and the submarine sandwich, with the steady hands and dead eye of a remarkable sculptor. she shed her mountain turning training wheels, for the convenience of the moving sidewalk, that delivers the magnetic monkey children through the mouth of impossible calendar clock, into the devil's manhole cauldron. physics of a bicycle, isn't it remarkable?

11-11-2008, 12:12 AM	#16 (permalink)
Dixy Upright	This reminds me of a friend of mine, who was also hell bent on drinking himself to a standstill. Despite help from the company he worked for and all his friends, he just seemed in a way doomed, I think. I still believe he drank that much because he was socially inept. He could only really start interacting after a couple of drinks. He often said he drank to make people interesting. I have not seen him in many years but I always give street beggars a second look, because somehow I thought that that is where he would end up....