Ayashe

I have been asked as a part of small-talk, do you have children? How many, etc. These are some examples as reasons I have been given for having more. What if something happens to your child? Why would you only have One? Another from an advocate of strength in numbers is to have three. If you have three, if something happens the other children will still have a sibling. Of course, in the end it is suggested that One is not appropriate, I should go forth with my fertile self and pop out at least one more child.

I always find it rather intrusive that one should impose what their personal ideal of what a family should be upon others for one. I scratch my head wondering how someone can feel that they have a right to decide what is right for a family, particularly with not knowing much about the family situation all-together. Never mind that I am not with the father of my child or that my current significant other has no interest in children. I also find it strange that somehow the remaining child(ren) if there were to be a loss in the family, are somehow seen as a replacement. Come on, do any of you look at your brother/sister and see them as a mirror image of yourself?

Has anyone else had this occur? What are your thoughts on it? How do you typically respond?

PonyPotato

I don't have children yet, but when I do I believe I want only one. I believe having more than one would surely help when it comes to socialization, conflict resolution, etc. but I believe being a responsible and active parent for one child would negate any of those possible issues. I believe that I would be able to support one child much better than multiple children financially, emotionally, and temporally. AND I might actually have some time left over for myself and my relationship.

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Ayashe

That is pretty much what had me make that choice years ago. I remember the squabbling that my parents had over finances, I remember worries about how to be able to get me to flute practice and my brother to his broom ball game. You can be incredibly busy with one child alone.

I don't know how some manage it with 3, 4, 5+ children.. even so, I am not going to suggest to them that they had too many. Why suggest to another they had too few?

genuinegirly

My parents are Mormon. I am one of 3 children. I had friends with 8 siblings growing up. I was frequently given crap about our "small" family. Some people just have messed up perspectives.

One child is plenty. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

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LoganSnake

I don't consider one child to be a complete family. Just about every nuclear family that's part of our extended family has at least two children. I grew up believing that a child must have a sibling because once the parents pass away, there will be nobody closer (please, spare me "I hate my bother/sister" stories) to you than your sibling. My sister and I are very close, my mom and her brother are very close, all my cousins are close to one another. I was surrounded by multi-kid families all my life and I cannot imagine having a family with only one child. Two is my magic number.

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curiousbear

I dont have/want children. I face such situation often.

The first time a friend or relative talks suggestive I reply politely in first person singular "I am not interested at this point of time", or something like that. If the person shares his/her point of view in first person singular like "I love my kid, it is lot of fun." or "I went for a child when I was 25 because by the time he grows up I will be still younger to care" etc. I listen to it, even consider whether that point is applicable to me.

If the same person repeats it, I will tell clearly "We had discussed it before. Sorry if you dont have other things to talk, then see ya later".

When he/she repeats third time, I say "Will you shut up?". Trust me we had done it and it works.

Now if he/she says it second person sentence like "You should have children becoz blah blah". I cut and say "wait wait You must not be telling me whether I should do this or that. Can I tell you what all you should be doing or not doing? I suggest you dont talk nonsense with me".

Some hate me, but many got use to me. They dont interfere.

With some people I really feel that they care for me when they ask or say something. I respect them, never pounce on them! (remember? I am an animal)

Grasshopper Green

I feel your pain. I am a mother of an only child and I doubt that our familial situation will ever change. It doesn't help that I live in Utah and many families have enough kids to fill a basketball team. I got tired of having to explain my decision to baffled coworkers, well-meaning family members, and nosy strangers - so I no longer do it. I politely say I'm happy with what I have, and that's the end of the discussion. It's nobody's business but mine and my husband's.

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ASU2003

Conflict resolution, yes, socialization, probably not. Maybe if they are the same gender it will help a lot.

I would be in the 1 to 2 is enough category. There are enough other kids to play with and such growing up.

Ayashe

I certainly am not going to get knocked up to satisfy the busy-bodies. I find it humorous and shocking all at once, the audacity in people make such suggestions on another persons life.

Weezil

Those people that hold those opinions, Katyanna, are those same people that see children as accessories and not as people.

Let me repeat, children are not accessories; they are people.

So that being said, one child, or three or more are all the same, valuable, wonderful human beings. All those arguments, postulates, and objections are totally meaningless.

Ayashe

Absolutely, I just wanted to see how others thought of this. If they had met similar approaches and what there thoughts were.

Children are absolutely not accessories though some do definitely seem to see them that way. I love and appreciate my daughter, the time we spend together is wonderful. Personally I think I would be short changing her to have given her a sibling. She is now 14 and I don't long to start over.

LoganSnake

One doesn't have to think of kids as accessories to desire a large family.

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Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques

anti fishstick

I am an only child, and so is my boyfriend. We have talked about having a kid in the future (if we were still together), and I think I would either like one or none. I haven't decided yet. IF I were to have two, I would really like the 2nd one to be adopted. I'm not a fan of 3 kids or more. I think it is irresponsible considering how populated the earth is, but that's just my opinion. You use up more resources, etc. with a larger family and I think being earth/environmentally conscious, it would make sense for me to only have one. I don't care about keeping my genes alive for generations and generations to come. It wouldn't upset me if I had ONE kid and they chose not to start a family. I just think it would be great to have a family of my own, someday... But the thought currently terrifies me. That's a different story.

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jorgelito

I love children and hope to have at a minimum of 2. I would like to push it to 4, God willing and depending upon financial viability. Adoption is certainly on the table and a real possibility.

Have you ever thought that these people who ask or talk to you about children may not realize they are being rude? I think it is perfectly natural and biological to want and have many children. We just happen to live in modern times where we really don't "need" to have kids and/or our lifestyle changes and the relatively new social phenomenon of disposable income have afforded us luxuries beyond raising a family.

But people still have instincts and intuition. I understand it's annoying and rude for people to "get in your business", but it's possible they don't realize what they are doing.

I would suggest the next time this happens, gently but firmly tell them, "I am happy for you that you have found the perfect family size, but so have we. Have a nice day."

Or

"I'm sorry, my family planning is a private matter. Thank you for you concern."

For perspective and edification, there are real reasons for family planning involving 2 or more children. One may say our future depends on it. Social security, employment are all very real and very serious concerns. Countries like Japan, China, and Sweden with low birth rates face serious challenges in labor and social security not to mention the difficulties only children face in socialization.

But that aside, at the end of the day the choice is yours and yours alone. General courtesy demands that people respect that.

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jewels

Sometimes things don't work out the way you'd planned. I always wanted at least five kids.

I had one child for nine years. I remarried, though, and wanted a child with him. Once the second was born, we decided to try for a little brother or sister, so she'd have companionship. My eldest always felt she got gypped out of a little brother or sister. I have three, and that's just right for me.

I've had some ask me why I decided to have "so many" kids. But then again, I don't put much stock in what anyone's random comments, unless it's a constructive criticism or sage advice. Replacement kids? What an ass.

What I can't stand, though, is when they insist that my younger girls look like twins. One is fair skinned, slightly wavy lighter hair. The other has dark skin, very curly and kinky. Facial features are completely different. The only similarity is that they both wear glasses and have braces. I think sometimes people say ludicrous things when they have nothing to say.

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abaya

I'm an only child, and have generally been VERY happy with the arrangement. I was never lonely, nor do I think I am anywhere NEAR socially maladjusted. (Or if I am, it's in a good way.) I don't think I lost out on anything as a kid, whatsoever.

The only thing I would want to have a sibling for, would be to have someone to share the duty of caring for my parents as they get old. My parents all have tons of siblings, and as my grandparents got older, there were always plenty of people to spread (or shirk) the responsibility around... and sometimes I get resentful that it's all going to fall on me to take care of both of them. Also, it would be nice to have siblings so that THEY would have the grandchildren, and I wouldn't have to. Simultaneously, the only reason I would imagine having more than 1 kid, is so that he/she doesn't get stuck with taking care of me and ktsp alone as we get older. That's just not very fair.

Also, for ktsp, he only has one older sister... and she is more like a younger sister, due to her circumstances. She will not really be able to shoulder the responsibility of taking care of her parents, and she's nowhere near married/reproducing yet, so there are NO other possibilities for grandchildren for his parents, either. I know that our parents having grandchildren should not be the motivation for us to have kids, but frankly... we are their ONLY options, on both sides. How many people are actually in those situations, and still child-free?

We aren't anti-having kids, but sometimes I am afraid that one or more of our parents are going to pass away before we have any... and that would make me a bit sad. But that's demography for you... all of our parents were well into their 30s (some 40s) when they had me and ktsp, and seeing as they wanted us to focus on our education first, we're also going to be into our 30s by the time we have kids. And frankly, they need to take responsibility for that and take the pressure off us, since we're simply doing what they did at that age.

So if you want to have grandchildren, dammit, either have more kids to increase the possibility, and/or start having them earlier, so that you will put less pressure on the children that you do have. It's not fair to have an only child later in life, and then expect that child to fulfill all the obligations that would only really be fulfilled by a much larger brood. Deal with it, y'know?

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ShaniFaye

I resent the comment that I dont have a "complete" family because I only have one child....if you ask my daughter, who just turned 15, she would tell you right quick that our family is "complete". I never wanted more than one and I dont think Im missing out on anything by not having two.

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The_Jazz

The only folks qualified to comment on the completeness of a family are those in it. And by "family" I mean those in the household.

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little_tippler

I am an only child and I'd like to have more than one child. My particular circumstances and experience are mine only though. I have no right to say what anyone else should do and I don't judge anyone for their choice in that regard. Do what makes you happy.

My experience as an only child was nice enough, but I wouldn't have minded having a sibling to play with and share certain things with. The caring for my parents as elderly people doesn't worry me too much, what worries me is being able to do so as well as possible, for financial reasons.

My parents were quite protective of me so that meant that I did miss out on certain social events because of that, and being an only child I had to learn to make do with myself 95% of the time. So I think I would have benefited more, and my parents might have relaxed more, had there been more than one child. But I think there are other benefits I gained from being an only child too.

I think I want more than one child simply because I feel it's more balanced and helps a person relate to the world and others better. Also if you have only one child I feel there is a constant worry and with two you get a little more seasoned at dealing with the worry (not saying there is any less of it).

To each his own.

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Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918