Lonely in Life
 

I feel like I have no one in life to rely on but myself. Parents are the closest thing, I suppose. With friends, you have to spend a lot of time to gain something out of a friendship, even that always hangs on a thin thread. I guess it hit me today because I am going to my 4.5th year in college, while everyone else has graduated. In college, we hung out and partied on a daily basis and it was all dandy, but now I feel like I have lost it all. There were a few kids I really wanted to maintain that friendship with, and it just feels like they have moved on (as I probably would too i guess). So nothing against them, had some great memories with them but it really makes you question...is this really such a meaningless life?

Friendship isn't for what you gain out of it.

I'm not friends with anyone here because I'm in it for the "gain."

I've made many friends here and it's not because I'm expecting to get something out of it. The only expectation is friendship... whatever that means.

there are also points in time in my life, where friends were just hard to come by..

In my own experience, life didn't get a hold on much meaning until after college.

Being a student places one in an odd world of transition. Just look forward to what could be rather than look back at what once was (or should have been).

If all you were doing was partying every day, then you might have to consider that these friendships were not really that deep/meaningful in the first place. It's also college... not everyone hangs on to college friendships, just like high school friendships tend to fade. I personally have maybe 2 very good friends from college (and I graduated 8+ years ago), even though I had a very large social group when I was there. It's just the way things go. College feels like the most important thing in life... until you get a real job and start living through your 20s, and realize that it was not that big of a deal.

What Baraka said: Believe me, college is more like high school than the rest of "life." Wait until you get out and start making some real friends, through work or your neighborhood, etc.

Then what is it for? If you don't get something out of it, then it's not a relationship, it's just you pouring out yourself for nothing. That's fine and dandy for charity work, but a personal relationship should always be give AND take. It would be silly to expect 50/50 all the time, but there should be a benefit to both parties in any relationship.

By the way, I have found myself to be lonely (alone) a lot in life. It is hard to find people with similar interests, etc. I've always been kind of a loner and like my personal time, probably a bit too much. I have quite a few acquaintances with which to share the occasional beer with, but I don't have many deep friendships. Being a caveman, I just don't understand the need of having a large posse.....

No sir. That attitude is precisely why relationships DON'T work--friendships, family relationships, intimate relationships, or any other kind.

Which is why when you said:

...I wasn't particularly surprised. It has nothing to do with the "kind of person you are" (which is a myth anyway) or what interests you have in common with people. It has everything to do with your fundamental view of what a relationship is for, which is: you get something from it.

Iliftrocks, I would wager to say you're in your quarter-life crisis a bit early (been a few threads here about that, and they're still around)

From what I can tell, you're still in college, your friends have started to actually work, and you're left behind a bit for the last couple of months/year, riding out your education.
That to me would explain your bitterness about friends hanging by a thin thread, and asking what it's all worth.

In short, that to me explains your attitude and POV. You've lost your sense of belonging to a specific group and you've lost a direction.




I've had the same thing happen to me, but oddly (I have alot of odd things I suppose) I had that happen before the friends drifted apart.
At a certain point, right before the last exams were about to start, I realised that all the people I'd hung out with for the last 4 years, were about to leave my life. Even alot of people I would have wanted to keep communications up with. Most people didn't understand what I meant or was going through really.

Then the exams came, then the internships started. Then the internships ended and we graduated... And lo and behold, there were 3 people left from college that I still spoke to on more than a monthly basis.

Then a reunion came, and as I expected, by then most had experienced it as well, and in the very same way, most barely spoke to eachother anymore.
I guess that's why reunions were invented?

What got me over this is the fact that I still did have friends, alot of them, just not through school. I had friends from childhood, I had friends in a book/gaming/roleplaying group, I had friends in my home-town left from highschool.

The fact is that everybody after college needs to start something.

Some people build up relationships at work again, which tend to last a good deal longer than college ones, some people tend to go back to people they met before college.
In each case, what you get out of relationships, even the shallow ones, is a social network.

And no person is an island. (I myself am a peninsula. I can stand people, but in short bursts :) )


Or to put it in more immortal words: This too shall pass.

I'm an isthmus. I'm all about the connections while maintaining cool detachment.

Friendships aren't really give and take. You give what you give, and you get what you get. When you give a great deal without it being a ledger item, you generally get the same in return.

I think maybe the net has changed how people forge friendships. it used to be that I would meet people hiking on trails. Now it's got to be all about creating a group via Craig's List.

CL is great for getting a used sofa, but maybe not so for forming relationships.

Life purpose is relative and at our age it's going to be debatable. Since we're still learning quite a lot from the world around us, every good thing sounds like the thing for us.

And friends are an easy fix; well, if you can talk to people. Myself, I just walk up and meet people, ask them on dates, etc. That's how I am. So just make some friends. Buy someone a beer, ask to sit dow at their table, make conversation in line for coffee, ask someone a question in class; do what you need to do.

Life is meaningless if you make it so.

Well actually... Life IS meaningless. There's no meaning "out there" to "find".

It's up to each of us to create the meaning.

What pray tell is a relationship for then? I'm not talking fiduciary return on investment here, but why have any relationship that is simply you pouring out your time/energy/emotions if you don't get something in return? I completely understand charitable giving of these resources, but a friendship would certainly qualify for some kind of ROI.

The very reason a RELATIONSHIP does not work is usually one person in the relationship feels used up, while the other party doesn't put anything back in. Just as communication isn't a one way transaction, neither is a relationship, specifically a friendship.

I am very active in other people's lives. I help people all the time, without the requirement of pay, or even most times their thanks. I consider this charitable work a necessary part of life and I think everyone should do these things, for the good of society, and if you want to go there, your soul.

BUT, friends are not people who just come around when they want something. They will offer help to you, they will buy you a drink, or listen to you bitch and so forth. They offer a return on the efforts you put into a relationship. My experience is that true friends are hard to come by. I do not consider casual acquaintances to be in the same vein. Those are a different "relationship" altogether.

Just for chuckles, what is mythical about being a certain type of person? Sure I'm not a caveman, no crap, but you might get a hint at what I am like from the implications of the moniker.

I'm in a similar situation as yours. As the years have gone by, it seems like my college friends have slowly started to drift apart, which is something I really worried about. But I guess, friends come and go. For sure you'll probably have the most fun in your life in college, but you're bound to meet more people later on. At least hopefully, because being lonely and without many friends is not so fun.

Ummm, actually I'm 41, been working quite a while now, and I do have a social network, I just don't consider them "friends". I'll never mix up my friends with people I am on friendly terms with. I am rooted with my family and the friends I do have.

I also don't have a great ledger of tit-for-tat for my relationships, but if I don't feel like I'm important to someone, I'm surely not going to sweat it, and if I'm ignored by a person, consistently, then what is the cost of not having a relationship with them? Life's to short to be used all of the time.

Giving without expectations of return is good. No problem there, but a friend will also return the favour. Otherwise, it's just charity. My expectation of a friend is much more than for acquaintances. Yet again not 50/50, you give what you can, right?

I think if you all look real closely at people you consider your close friends you will see that they give as good as they get. That is all I am talking about.

If you seek friends for what you can gain, you've got an agenda. You're saying you wouldn't enter into a relationship where you wouldn't get anything in return? Wouldn't that equate to a return on your investment?

This is not to suggest that if you befriend someone and find they're a complete drain of energy, you shouldn't back out. But when I've bowed out of friendships, I never looked at it as though I was waiting for a return on my investment (time, caring, etc.).

Giving will occur naturally on all sides of a healthy relationship. You do get what you give. On the other hand, if it's not healthy, it should end. Expectations creeping into a relationship can often destroy it. We need to expect more of ourselves, not of others.

I kind of agree with that statement. You generally get out what you put into it. But I do believe there is inherent value to life, if not absolute meaning.
-----Added 3/9/2008 at 11 : 29 : 39-----
I completely agree. I think the problem with communication here is that I don't meet people with the "agenda" that I will have a friend. I ease into social interactions with people, and if they turn out to be friends, then lucky me. If they are good people, otherwise, I will socialize with them, and even try my best to help out as I can. If they suck as human beings, I will have very little to do with them, if possible. I think people are kind of arguing semantics about my previous statements. My communications skills are better suited for the spoken medium, I'm afraid.

I think Nisses might have mistakenly used your handle instead of paparora's, since he was the OP and not you...

bingo! go make some friends. it really is that simple.

I have only few friends (single digit). Some of them were during school and rest during college. I never made friends after I finished college.

I think I understand what you mean. Yes there is lot of emotions we share with them. Even though they are not there with us all the time we still feel they are always there for us. We are all still in tough and share all our pains. One of them is dead and I still keep touch with his family.

Even thou we dont exchange monetary values there is a lot of support, morale and understanding.

So my question is why do you think they will move on? Good friends can always be there

I believe you are correct. Didn't notice, sorry.

If you gain nothing from a friendship, not even enjoyment or companionship, then what good is it? Why maintain a friendship that leaves you no better off than you would be without it?

Sorry Iliftrocks :)
I dunno why I took your name.

Good ass thread man. Really puts a lot of things into perspective. I guess its gotten better since classes started, I am actually focusing more in school! Maybe this semester will be exactly what I need to push myself over the board for med school. But yeah, friends are still there.. just more occupied with their lives/work I suppose.

Have you guys gone on a spiritual journey? (u know like goto the Himalayas with pundits..yoga etc. if anyone is able to following along here). Is it helpful in terms of getting a better grasp of life and urself?

Yes. Everyone must do it. Where is your number 1 destination on earth? Go there! My number destination was Japan. Earlier this year I was getting quite bummed out by the daily grind so one day I decided to book a plane ticket to Japan by myself. It was like another world there. I had an incredible time and it gave me a new perspective on life. My advice to deal with loneliness is to do things that make you happy or enlighten you. Friends and significant others are there as support but ultimately and most importantly you need to be comfortable and happy being alone. Live for yourself, not other people.