ASU2003

So, I've started taking and bike riding with a cute single girl (well, I'm 99% sure she is single now), this is my problem. I've talked to her for 5 hours and yet I know more details about a lot of you guys than I do about this girl I like. I'll be the first to admit that my social skills aren't the best, but I'd rate myself a 9/10 because we can have a conversation without long pauses or nervousness.

The issue is with how slowly I am learning about her. I would love to ask her 20 questions, but things like 'What are your sex fantasies?' would probably not go over well at this stage. Say what you will about the amount of information that people willing divulge about themselves on-line, but I would rather know it (and not have to ask the hard questions) than ask probing personal questions. It's almost as if I should get MI6/ASIS/FSB to spy on her and fill me in. But I wouldn't do that, and it isn't so much what she is doing in her life currently that I don't know (or feel I can't ask about). It's who she is, what she believes in, what has happened in her past, what are her likes/dislikes, does she ever get angry, medical issues, and other things like this... On forums and social networking sites, there are those surveys and other ways to learn who people really are. But it is much harder trying to come up with good questions ahead of time.

And, I am taking things slow and learning a little more about her each time we meet, but when does it become acceptable to push the boundaries with the personal questions? Are there any questions that you can think of that would be a little more flirtatious and personal than what a regular friend would ask?

telekinetic

cheating question that skirts the issue: You haven't friended her on myspace/facebook yet? :-p

soma

Yeah, so you want to get with this girl and haven't started flirting with her and just have long conversations with her? That just screams friend zone. If you want to get with her, you're going to have to turn things up a notch or two.

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ASU2003

She isn't on-line and the only thing I could do is suggest that she makes one.

levite

Ask her what you want to know. Just be charming. Be open, ready and willing to answer her questions about you. But let her know that you're interested in her, and want to know about her as a person. Just when you do it, be Flirty McFlirtison, and get your phlirt on.

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Dull sublunary lovers love,
Whose soul is sense, cannot admit
Absence, because it doth remove
That thing which elemented it.

(From "A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning" by John Donne)

ASU2003

Other than being forward and asking her out (which would be an option), I am trying to figure out weather it is just an activity date with a friend or a romantic date with someone she likes. My plan is to add in some non-sport type things into the plan. Lets say we go bike riding on Saturday afternoon, I will see if she wants to join me to go to a nightclub downtown Saturday night.

I'm not really sure what level of flirting to use. I don't live in LA or NY, and I don't know what she finds better, a slow friends to relationship approach, or a more obvious and forward approach. When I get back home, I will have to test the waters. And as the saying goes: A girl knows within the first 5 minutes how far they will let you go. So it shouldn't really matter if she likes me things will go fine whatever I choose.
-----Added 11/8/2008 at 03 : 28 : 18-----
The other part is that physically, she looks good and I wouldn't have any hangups because of that. But I don't know her past and I'm not looking for some one-time sex fling. I would have problems if she had lots of drunken random hookups and went wild on spring break or the weekends now. I don't think she would, but I don't know. And it's one of those tricky things to try and find out prior to actually asking her out and finding out who she really is.

Then again, I want her to be Miss Perfect, while giving me obvious signals that she likes me. She is so far with what I've heard from her. But, we haven't talked about any really personal stuff yet, and it's hard for me to bring up in a non-anonymous real life situation.

Manic_Skafe

Just ask her out to dinner. It's no more complex than that.

Stop thinking so much, when the time is right you'll get the answers to all of your questions. But you'll never be able to ask those questions to her if you obsess over her past and everything else you don't know. What she's done before is none of your business. If you like her for who she is then go with that - everything else is irrelevant.

Bottom line: You don't know each other yet. Take your time.

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"Porn is a zoo of exotic animals that becomes boring upon ownership." -Nersesian

lotsofmagnets

i found myself in the same situation so many times. try to read body language, offer things about yourself and joke around a little bit and see if she takes any of your joking offers seriously. definitely put a bit of yourself into it and give *her* something to play with - she just might drop you a hint.

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mother nature made the aeroplane, and the submarine sandwich, with the steady hands and dead eye of a remarkable sculptor.
she shed her mountain turning training wheels, for the convenience of the moving sidewalk, that delivers the magnetic monkey children through the mouth of impossible calendar clock, into the devil's manhole cauldron.
physics of a bicycle, isn't it remarkable?

jewels

Be confident (not cocky) and attentive and you'll know when she's ready.

Sometimes it's as simple as "Let's play 20 questions."

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We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

tinycities

Honestly, I really believe that getting to know someone isn't anything to do with what "facts" you know about them. It's not about asking questions and hearing the answers. People are so much more than the sum of their experiences and opinions about things. Getting to know someone is something that you cannot force through mechanical exchanging of information. It's something that happens over time, sometimes this process happens faster and sometimes it happens very gradually. You can consciously control how much time you spend talking with this girl, but I'm afraid that's about it.

Of course, when you like someone, your mind naturally makes you wonder about them and makes you want to learn more about who they are. It's completely normal to want to know loads of information about someone you're interested in. But, to use your example, finding out this girl's likes and dislikes, her medical history, whether she gets angry, whether she's hooked up with a lot of people, that's not going to tell you anything about who she is. In fact, I think it can be negative to find out this sort of information early on, because it can allow you to make unhelpful judgements about who someone is, without the context of actually knowing them in a meaningful way.

Speaking from the point of view of a female, I would be fairly uncomfortable if a man I was getting to know had a list of questions that they wanted to ask me. I would feel a bit like I was about to be judged, or rated in some way, because often people ask questions when they want to make value judgements (which you've admitted is partially what you would do, for example, when you say you don't want someone who went wild on Spring Break). It's completely normal that people make judgements on others based on the information we have about them, but when this is made into an obvious process through repeated asking of personal questions, it's quite uncomfortable. Also, I wouldn't like to be asked a lot of personal questions because anything that I believe actually matters, I would like to share with someone when I feel ready, I don't need to be asked and have that process accelerated. It's not to say all questions are bad, but there's certainly a limit. I think it's much more relaxing and it feels more natural to get to know someone gradually, over time, through what they choose to share about themselves rather than what you choose to ask them shortly after you've met them. That way you get to know about them as a person and not just as a sum of pieces of information they've shared with you. Finally, as for the "a girl knows within the first five minutes how far they will let you go", speaking as a girl I can say that in my opinion (and probably others too) that is untrue. So don't worry too much about first impressions, because they only count until you start to get to know someone in a more meaningful way.

My advice to you would be to relax and to take things as they come. Primarily, this will be good for your well-being and enjoyment of your time with her, but it's also positive because being relaxed is not going to make her feel uncomfortable. Whilst it's completely fine for you to maintain a healthy curiosity about this girl, don't try and force things or ask things that you don't feel comfortable asking. If it feels hard to bring up really personal stuff then you should heed that discomfort and not do it. Besides, I believe that most things that actually matter tend to come up in natural conversation, rather than being consciously "brought up". You will feel much closer to this girl if she chooses to share things with you because the time feels right, instead of because you've asked her and she feels she ought to respond. At the minute, from what you've described, your relationship with her sounds like it's heading in a positive direction, so relax and enjoy yourself. Good luck, I hope things pan out in a way that makes you happy.

(Cripes, sorry for the long post!)

dirtyrascal7

If you want to have a romantic relationship with this girl, then you need to be more proactive and forward. Just ask her what you want to know, but keep it light and fun (don't make it seem like an interview). She'll let you know if you're pushing too hard, and then you can back off and try a new approach.

Don't pretend to be a platonic friend if that's not what you're after... she will see you as that and then feel awkward when you ask her out.

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"Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him."

ratbastid

(tinycities: GREAT response! Welcome to TFP!)

I've had, in my life, a fair amount of success with women simply by being clear that I'm interested in them. The first time I met lurkette, I kissed her hand. Dopey college-freshman gesture, sure, but hey, I was a dopey college freshman at the time, and it definitely made an impression. We've been married for 13 years. At some point in my then-friendship with StellaLuna, I said LITERALLY these words: "You know, I'd totally do you." She's lived with us for coming up on two years now. Looking back across my life, I've had occasional hook-ups and actual relationships, etc, etc, and my ONLY trick is to have them be aware I'm interested. They do ALL the rest.

Here's what happens: you make it clear you're interested in her, and you leave it at that. She gets flattered, and starts thinking about it, and either decides she's interested too, or she's not (but in my experience, generally it's that she's interested too). Then, look out--because girls get what they want.

Stop thinking of romance and sex like something guys want to do to girls. They want it too. You don't have to trick them or get in their good graces or "get to know them" first, whatever that means. You let her know you're interested in her in that way, and then you stop worrying about her response and leave it in her hands. If she says no, she says no--not only doesn't it mean anything about you, there are PLENTY of fish in the sea. At the very least, you know to move your attention and affection elsewhere.

Guys do this "hanging around and being available and being a nice guy and hoping maybe someday she'll trip and accidentally fall onto my cock" thing. Which is stupid. And deadly to any kind of relationship with her beyond friendship.

Cynthetiq

Be patient. Give time time.

I have been with my wife for 10 years now and there are still things that I'm learning about her. Let time happen. That is what makes a relationship endearing and consuming. If you just eat it all up in one sitting what's left?

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KellyC

In my case, I start by being very open about myself. Then I ask a question or two about them in a nonchalant way. If they answer, good, we can go from there. If not, then I'm just kidding!!

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Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe?
Me: Shit happens.

lotsofmagnets

+1

heh my exact words to francine were "i´d totally do you....just because you´re wearing my top," jokingly at the time, then later i made true on my word. so yeah, being direct, even in a joking way can be a help....

__________________
mother nature made the aeroplane, and the submarine sandwich, with the steady hands and dead eye of a remarkable sculptor.
she shed her mountain turning training wheels, for the convenience of the moving sidewalk, that delivers the magnetic monkey children through the mouth of impossible calendar clock, into the devil's manhole cauldron.
physics of a bicycle, isn't it remarkable?

abaya

So, so true. Nicely said. Tempting to quote you in my signature, actually... (And yeah, girls do that, too--that was me in high school, hoping a guy would accidentally fall into me, lol.) Definitely. That's one of the biggest reasons ktspktsp got my attention... he was fucking hilarious, and bold, in his humor. He stood out to me as someone who was so into me, he just couldn't be bothered to play games or overthink the situations. And I LOVED that.

Btw--I mean, seriously... people have been getting to know each other and hooking up for tens of thousands of years now, 99.99% of that time without the internet to help them out. Really, just go with the natural flow of things and don't look for an easy way out. That's the whole point, isn't it?

Becoming intimate with someone takes effort--this isn't a Google search, and it never should be.

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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

soma

haha, that's a good way to put it.

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