ipollux

n/a

RetroGunslinger

The way I see it, and this is sort of harsh: if they can't like you for who you are, fuck 'em. That's my general philosophy. I'm lucky though, as my parents don't care about my Atheism and have few to no rules they think I should follow in life as long as I'm not a lazy bastard.

I'm sorry to hear about your predicament, I wish I could help with some better advice but alas, I'm retarded in that area.

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ipollux

That's basically the approach I've been taking so far.

And also, I forgot to mention that I have no brothers and sisters. My parents couldn't get along long enough to have anymore. Matter of fact, they had already been divorced and remarried once before I was born.

shesus

If they were friends, would you keep them around?

That question seems to be very helpful.

Just because you share blood does not give them the right to treat you like shit. It also does not obligate you to stick around if they are treating you like shit. It's very difficult to cut off family because the belief is family should be the people always there for you. However, you have to ask yourself some difficult questions and make some decisions.

Why are they treating you this way?
Why are you allowing them to do this?
What do you want to do?
What are the benefits of keeping them in your life?
Is there a chance for remediation?

You don't have to answer these questions here. You don't even have to answer them at all. They are just there if you want them.

You could tell them how you feel. You could just disappear. Only you know the path to take.

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girldetective

Stick with the paternal grandparents and wait it out for a while. Perhaps get a little perspective. Think about how you relate to your family and what you can do to help yourself while helping them. There may be nothing you can or are willing to change, I dont know. But it would be worth thinking about, right?

In addition, I would like to add that it never hurts to live with integrity.

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As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons...be cheerful; strive for happiness - Desiderata

Willravel

I've tried desperately, but some times it's impossible for people to accept that you being atheist is okay.

Is your dad diagnosed and seeking treatment?

ipollux

He was years ago, but he quit his medication because he said it made him tired. Better psycho than tired! His brother (my uncle), who is even worse than him, is heavily medicated and still lives with my grandmother.

jewels

So Grandma from you dad's side is the only ally? Have you had a long sit-down with her to see if you could get more background? Are the others people capable of conversation and rational thought, or is there any possibility someone else has tainted your view, from childhood, of others within the family?

I would definitely stick with Grandma, though. All you need is one good family member. If there's no chance of working things out or if the rest of the family is that far off the deep end, that would be sad, but let them go. You can't fix them and they'll only drag you down.

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dlish

ipollux,

i say fuck em too.

as long as your general fuck em attitude doesnt reverberate to include people you actually do care about and vice versa

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Cynthetiq

I have no different advice than this

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abaya

Why does your mother think you're Satan-spawn? Did this develop over time?

Your dad sounds a lot like my mother, except that she's been medicated for her anxiety/depression/panic attacks for something like 15 years now (and she doesn't hate me--more like she hates herself, though). I'm an only child, like you--and this increases the pressure and makes it more difficult for us to walk away from our parents.

Have there been any attempts and mediation, counseling, etc? Or do you simply just want nothing to do with them anymore, for the rest of your life? Disowning works, but the problem is that you have to stick to your guns and make sure that it's truly what you want.

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dirtyrascal7

It isn't that they hate you... it's that they don't understand you. Rather than trying to reach out and seek understanding, they've chosen to take the easier, more cowardly path and shut you out. Unfortunately, I don't think that's going to change anytime soon... so it will be up to you to make the first move.

I would start out by asking them about their own beliefs and values. Just listen to what they say, and once you understand them, try to connect with them over the beliefts and values that you share. Show them that you do have a strong moral center and have a lot of positive energy. It will take time, and it won't be easy... but it is possible.

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The_Jazz

There's a member of this site that hasn't logged on in probably a year or more who would have been great to hear from on this. Sadly, she's one of those that just sort of faded away with real life issues.

However, I went and looked at a couple of her threads since I had a conversation about her with someone else yesterday, and I think she'd say something along the lines of "follow your joy". That is, go find what makes YOU happy. You are not a proxy of your parents. It is your life, not theirs. If they do not like the way that you are living your life and they can't find it within themselves to love you despite that, then they have huge problems. But if you can find what makes you happy, well, your problems will seem miniscule in comparison.

You said you weren't exagerating, so I assume that you're using the word "hate" very purposefully. If that is indeed the case, then perhaps you might find it time to go to your parents individually and say, "despite what you may think of me, I do love you, but the way you treat me makes me question whether or not you do actually love me. So I'm calling a time-out on our relationship for the next few months. Let's use that time to examine how we really feel about each other." This sounds mostly like a "them" problem and not a "you" problem, and even temporarily cutting ties on a parental relationship is going to be tough. But if you do decide it's best for you, then you should seriously consider doing it.

And do make sure that you take the time to figure out what makes you happy.

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girldetective

The Jazz is right. Three years ago I left the bosom of my sisters. I didnt particularly like them and found them judgmental of people and their ideas. The infighting, the gossip, the hate, all of it started to turn my stomach. And then a year ago I left my ex. Since then, one of my girls has stopped talking to me. These people dont seem to see themselves as what I gave up, instead seeing the house, connection, etc.

I was lamenting to my therapist the other day : What the hell have I done? I did this to myself. She asked if I were happier, and I said Yes, of course.

Happiness and integrity is the way to go. For me, what Ive done fits and makes sense to me. Even if others see it as giving up a lot, Ive actually gained more. You might too.

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Bill O'Rights

All I really have to say is that when this thread falls directly beneath Giant Hamburger's The Attic Rats Must Die! thread under new posts...and you're quickly scrolling through...your eye tends to grab My Whole Family Must Die!

It gets your attention.

As far as the actual situation, I feel that you've gotten some sound advice here. There's very little that I could possibly add.

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Halx

I still haven't hear how this is affecting you. Are you ok with it? Are you fucked up because of it? Does it push you to be better or does it drag you down? Knowing this would help us give you even better advice.

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robot_parade

Keep poisonous people at arms length, or further. But, on the other hand, family is family.

My own mother can be one of the most hate-filled, angry, spiteful people I know. But I still keep in touch with her, because she's family. But I don't force myself to be around her or listen to her when she's being negative. The few times since moving out when I've put myself in a situation where I couldn't (easily) avoid that, I've regretted it.

So I guess my answer is 'keep your distance', but don't write off family if you don't have to.

ipollux

I appreciate everyone taking the time to give me advice and share their opinion. I've decided I'm going to just spend less time around them. It's really the only thing that makes sense because they're dragging me down. And, of course, continue to be myself.

grumpyolddude

In this situation, it may be helpful to ask yourself, "What does my family mean to me?"

Someone very dear to me has a quite dysfunctional family. Her parents have been married and divorced four times, each. They keep telling her that they love her, but continually do and say hateful things to her. For many years, she tried to stay close, to see them as good, loving people, and repeatedly had her heart broken by them.

My advice has always been to stay away, let them fester in their hatred. But she kept on running, every time they called. Finally, enough was enough. First, she excluded her father from all aspects of her life. She cried often over this, but has stuck by her guns. She has finally, recently, conceded that her mother, in her way, was no better than her father, and has severed all but the most rudimentary of communication.

She decided that her life was much better, happier, when she surrounded herself with truly caring friends, and excluded the poisonous relationships. Lately, she is the happiest I've seen her in over 30 years! She still has melancholy times, and mourns what should have been a happier family life. But when she looks at what she has since she made her choices, her joy returns.

While there is a sadness that you cannot have a full, happy family relationship, distancing yourself from those negative influences can free you to truly pursue your joy.Your are reaching a realization at a much younger age than my friend. I wish you a long life of close, loving relationships. Having your paternal grandmother as an anchor is a wonderful thing. Cling to her with all of your heart!

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little_tippler

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Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918