A Question Of Basic Funeral Ettiquette - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

fresnelly · 07-10-2008, 04:21 AM

This afternoon I'm attending a funeral for the mother of a very good friend of mine from college. I haven't seen him or the rest of his family for a couple of years due to geographical reasons, but we had the kind of relationship where we could immediately pick things up as if he had never moved away. In fact, the whole family is like that and it's going to be a rough day.

So given the unfortunate circumstances, and since I'm seeing them all again for the first time in a long time, how do I greet them tactfully? What should I say as we shake hands that isn't a completely inappropriate social platitude?

I'll be kicking myself if I say the following:
"How's it going?"
"It's good to see you!"
"Hi, how are you?

I'm so fortunate not to have been to many funerals...

sapiens · 07-10-2008, 04:26 AM

"I'm so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family. If there's anything that I can do..."

Is that too standard?

The_Jazz · 07-10-2008, 04:39 AM

I'd say something about being sorry to have to see him again under these circumstances, ask if there's anything that you can do and offer to make yourself available if he wants to get together, even if it means you have to drive a few hours to get there.

Also, after you go through the visitation line, which is what you should do first, you should go sit down unless invited to stand with your friend. If you know others there, quietly chatting is just fine, of course. Your friend may decide to jump out of the receiving line and come visit with you, but that may not be possible.

Take your cues from the family and the folks around you. There are some visitations where humor is entirely appropriate and others where it's not. It kind of depends on the person, the circumstances of their death and how their family is taking it. Unfortunately I had to go to a funeral about 2 weeks ago for a college friend who'd been sick for a long time, but her family turned it into more of a party since that's what she would have wanted. I have another one to go to Saturday morning for a friend's father that will more likely be much more introspective given that the deceased was a former monk and worked for the Church for years.

Poppinjay · 07-10-2008, 04:45 AM

It helps to offer to do something specific. If your friend has children, offer to sit them for a while so he can take care of other tasks. If he has errands, offer to drive so he can think things out without crashing his car.

ratbastid · 07-10-2008, 04:46 AM

Here's the thing about death: EVERYBODY'S awkward. There's no right thing to say. If there was ANYTHING you could magically say to make them feel better, everyone would know what it was, and somebody would have said it by now and things would be fine. But there's not.

They know that. They know you're just trying to be helpful and friendly, and that while you'd give your right arm for everything to be okay, there's nothing really to be done. And if you do say something and they immediately burst into tears, it's not what you said, it's the death. So relax.

You might ask your good friend (but probably not his family), "How you holding up?", and then be prepared to just listen to whatever he needs to say, and to get him whatever he needs, from emotional support to physical support (cleaning his house, say), to a good stiff drink conveyed to him in a subtle manner.

dlish · 07-10-2008, 07:10 AM

im really bad at funerals...so if your anything like me, you'd probably just greet the family, ask them if there is anything you can help with, and sit down and remember the good times..which will probably make you sad.

but yes, it really does depend on how the person passed and their age.

usually i sit and reflect and keep to myself at funerals..its not a very fun place to be.

snowy · 07-10-2008, 07:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ratbastid

Here's the thing about death: EVERYBODY'S awkward. There's no right thing to say. If there was ANYTHING you could magically say to make them feel better, everyone would know what it was, and somebody would have said it by now and things would be fine. But there's not.

They know that. They know you're just trying to be helpful and friendly, and that while you'd give your right arm for everything to be okay, there's nothing really to be done. And if you do say something and they immediately burst into tears, it's not what you said, it's the death. So relax.

You might ask your good friend (but probably not his family), "How you holding up?", and then be prepared to just listen to whatever he needs to say, and to get him whatever he needs, from emotional support to physical support (cleaning his house, say), to a good stiff drink conveyed to him in a subtle manner.

This is great advice.

I think it's just one of those situations where you have to roll with the punches, and be there for your friend.

Grasshopper Green · 07-10-2008, 05:36 PM

The funeral is probably over...but just a perspective from the other side.

I don't remember anything anyone said to my at my brother's funeral. Seriously. I know I had a lot of people come up and talk to me, but it is a complete blur. Your friend probably didn't even notice if you said something you felt was self-kickable.

yellowmac · 07-10-2008, 07:09 PM

Yeah, just keep things simple and reserved would be my advice. Greet your friend and immediately ask how he is holding up, offer to do whatever he needs, etc.

Here's something NOT to do: while standing in line during the viewing of the body, don't keep wearing your bluetooth headset for your phone. Also, don't take a phone call and hold a conversation whilst standing in said line.

Yeah, I witnessed this atrocity at a viewing early this year. I'm not exactly Miss Manners or anything, but shouldn't you have some sort of common sense and decency not to do this??

ShaniFaye · 07-11-2008, 02:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yellowmac

Yeah, just keep things simple and reserved would be my advice. Greet your friend and immediately ask how he is holding up, offer to do whatever he needs, etc.

Here's something NOT to do: while standing in line during the viewing of the body, don't keep wearing your bluetooth headset for your phone. Also, don't take a phone call and hold a conversation whilst standing in said line.

Yeah, I witnessed this atrocity at a viewing early this year. I'm not exactly Miss Manners or anything, but shouldn't you have some sort of common sense and decency not to do this??

these are probably the same kind of people that think its acceptable to try to merge from traffic into a funeral procession

fresnelly · 07-11-2008, 05:13 AM

Thanks for the advice everybody.

In the end I didn't have to say anything. I walked in an my friend broke out from the receiving line and gave me a big bear hug and said it was good to see me. I just about fell apart then and and he was the one buoying my spirits.

Anyways it was a lovely service with lots of funny and bawdy stories to tell about her. I was struck by how many strangers had the same feelings about her that I did.

Today's Life lesson: Don't let funerals be the only times you see the people you care about.

The_Jazz · 07-11-2008, 05:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fresnelly

Today's Life lesson: Don't let funerals be the only times you see the people you care about.

Best advice given in this thread.

Charlatan · 07-11-2008, 05:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The_Jazz

Best advice given in this thread.

Completely agree.

07-10-2008, 04:21 AM	#1 (permalink)
fresnelly Functionally Appropriate Location: Toronto	A Question Of Basic Funeral Ettiquette This afternoon I'm attending a funeral for the mother of a very good friend of mine from college. I haven't seen him or the rest of his family for a couple of years due to geographical reasons, but we had the kind of relationship where we could immediately pick things up as if he had never moved away. In fact, the whole family is like that and it's going to be a rough day. So given the unfortunate circumstances, and since I'm seeing them all again for the first time in a long time, how do I greet them tactfully? What should I say as we shake hands that isn't a completely inappropriate social platitude? I'll be kicking myself if I say the following: "How's it going?" "It's good to see you!" "Hi, how are you? I'm so fortunate not to have been to many funerals... __________________ Building an artificial intelligence that appreciates Mozart is easy. Building an A.I. that appreciates a theme restaurant is the real challenge - Kit Roebuck - Nine Planets Without Intelligent Life

07-10-2008, 04:39 AM	#3 (permalink)
The_Jazz Asshole Administrator Location: Chicago	I'd say something about being sorry to have to see him again under these circumstances, ask if there's anything that you can do and offer to make yourself available if he wants to get together, even if it means you have to drive a few hours to get there. Also, after you go through the visitation line, which is what you should do first, you should go sit down unless invited to stand with your friend. If you know others there, quietly chatting is just fine, of course. Your friend may decide to jump out of the receiving line and come visit with you, but that may not be possible. Take your cues from the family and the folks around you. There are some visitations where humor is entirely appropriate and others where it's not. It kind of depends on the person, the circumstances of their death and how their family is taking it. Unfortunately I had to go to a funeral about 2 weeks ago for a college friend who'd been sick for a long time, but her family turned it into more of a party since that's what she would have wanted. I have another one to go to Saturday morning for a friend's father that will more likely be much more introspective given that the deceased was a former monk and worked for the Church for years. __________________ "They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin "There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush "We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo

07-10-2008, 04:45 AM	#4 (permalink)
Poppinjay You had me at hello Location: DC/Coastal VA	It helps to offer to do something specific. If your friend has children, offer to sit them for a while so he can take care of other tasks. If he has errands, offer to drive so he can think things out without crashing his car. __________________ I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

07-10-2008, 07:10 AM	#6 (permalink)
dlish Currently sour but formerly Dlishs Super Moderator Location: Australia/UAE	im really bad at funerals...so if your anything like me, you'd probably just greet the family, ask them if there is anything you can help with, and sit down and remember the good times..which will probably make you sad. but yes, it really does depend on how the person passed and their age. usually i sit and reflect and keep to myself at funerals..its not a very fun place to be. __________________ An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay? - Filthy

07-10-2008, 05:36 PM	#8 (permalink)
Grasshopper Green ...is a comical chap Location: Where morons reign supreme	The funeral is probably over...but just a perspective from the other side. I don't remember anything anyone said to my at my brother's funeral. Seriously. I know I had a lot of people come up and talk to me, but it is a complete blur. Your friend probably didn't even notice if you said something you felt was self-kickable. __________________ "They say that patriotism is the last refuge to which a scoundrel clings; steal a little and they throw you in jail, steal a lot and they make you king" Formerly Medusa

07-10-2008, 04:26 AM	#2 (permalink)
sapiens Junkie Location: Some place windy	"I'm so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family. If there's anything that I can do..." Is that too standard?

07-10-2008, 04:46 AM	#5 (permalink)
ratbastid Darth Papa Location: Yonder	Here's the thing about death: EVERYBODY'S awkward. There's no right thing to say. If there was ANYTHING you could magically say to make them feel better, everyone would know what it was, and somebody would have said it by now and things would be fine. But there's not. They know that. They know you're just trying to be helpful and friendly, and that while you'd give your right arm for everything to be okay, there's nothing really to be done. And if you do say something and they immediately burst into tears, it's not what you said, it's the death. So relax. You might ask your good friend (but probably not his family), "How you holding up?", and then be prepared to just listen to whatever he needs to say, and to get him whatever he needs, from emotional support to physical support (cleaning his house, say), to a good stiff drink conveyed to him in a subtle manner.

07-10-2008, 07:09 PM	#9 (permalink)
yellowmac Insane Location: left coast	Yeah, just keep things simple and reserved would be my advice. Greet your friend and immediately ask how he is holding up, offer to do whatever he needs, etc. Here's something NOT to do: while standing in line during the viewing of the body, don't keep wearing your bluetooth headset for your phone. Also, don't take a phone call and hold a conversation whilst standing in said line. Yeah, I witnessed this atrocity at a viewing early this year. I'm not exactly Miss Manners or anything, but shouldn't you have some sort of common sense and decency not to do this??

07-11-2008, 05:13 AM	#11 (permalink)
fresnelly Functionally Appropriate Location: Toronto	Thanks for the advice everybody. In the end I didn't have to say anything. I walked in an my friend broke out from the receiving line and gave me a big bear hug and said it was good to see me. I just about fell apart then and and he was the one buoying my spirits. Anyways it was a lovely service with lots of funny and bawdy stories to tell about her. I was struck by how many strangers had the same feelings about her that I did. Today's Life lesson: Don't let funerals be the only times you see the people you care about. __________________ Building an artificial intelligence that appreciates Mozart is easy. Building an A.I. that appreciates a theme restaurant is the real challenge - Kit Roebuck - Nine Planets Without Intelligent Life