What in the hell have I gotten myself into? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Pogue Mahone · 07-04-2008, 04:20 PM

Alright. So I've been trying to figure this out by myself for a little bit, but I've ran into a wall. So, I come to you all for help.

A month ago, the bassist for my band came up with the idea to set me up with his sister-in-law. She's trying to get out of a bad relationship and he figured that if she finds a decent guy that it'll provide enough of an incentive for her to leave him. And from what I can tell, he treats her like hell. He's verbally abusive (potentially physically, too) and treats her like nothing more than just tits and a uterus.

So, we've hung out a couple of times now. And I really like her. And she really likes me. I think that if given the chance, this could turn in to something amazing. But the thing is, I don't know how to say it without seeming too overbearing. One of the biggest issues right now is that she doesn't want to feel like she's cheating on this guy. She wants out of the relationship, but she doesn't want to completely crush the guy (which I find amazing in it's own right), and I don't want to put any needless pressure on her. I also don't know whether or not I should confide in the bassist on this. I've tried to push conversations toward this topic a couple of times, but he usually just tries to change the subject. I also don't know whether or not I've been looking too far into this.

I know that it may not seem like much of a deal to some here, but this is the first time that I've been in a situation like this. Any advice?

telekinetic · 07-04-2008, 04:38 PM

Bassist sounds like a shitty friend. I wouldn't set anyone I liked up to be a 'prebound' (is that a real word?), as that is just emotional distress city.

Screw being 'overbearing', what I've done in that situation before, and what I suggest you do, is lay down some ground rules. "Look, you're really great and all that, but unless you ditch this guy, we've run our course. I'm not going to be your 'other man'."

Maybe just put "Your Secret Love" (Luther Vandross) on next time you guys are in the car and see if she gets the point

Quote:

I won't be you secret love
'Cause it's just a waste of my love
I'm tellin' you from the start
I won't be the one who gives you love
When your other guy ain't givin' you none

Strange Famous · 07-05-2008, 02:59 PM

It does sound a bit messy.

I think that she probably has to make her mind up what she wants to do, and you probably have to try and force her to do so in a non-aggressive way.

MSD · 07-05-2008, 03:39 PM

Your bassist is an asshole for throwing you into this mess and you didn't make the best choice by agreeing to it.

But you asked for help, not what I think you should have done. It's not going to be easy any way you say it, so be straightforward rather than ambiguous. Tell her that you're interested in continuing to see her, but that you're not comfortable being together if she's unwilling to leave an abusive relationship. Let her know that you will help if she asks, but that it has to be her decision.

Then enjoy the rebound action you get from being her knight in shining armor before she ends up back with him because if she isn't willing to offend someone who abuses her by leaving him, she's not going to change. She is hesitating because she still has feelings for him and is too naive to realize that he's not going to change.

As for your friend who introduced you, wait until she goes back to the abusive guy then punch him in the cock, thank him for dumping his family problems on you, and kick him out of the band because he's going to blame anything that happens to her, on you, for failing to fix the problems he can't.

Strange Famous · 07-05-2008, 04:04 PM

If it was me I'd probably just get into a fight with the guy who was knocking the girl around.

That isnt good advice though.

genuinegirly · 07-05-2008, 07:07 PM

First and foremost, keep your relationship with this woman at a friendship level. Be someone she can confide in. Make sure she knows how you feel about this man's actions.

You cannot do this alone.

If the basist friend is unwilling to discuss the situation, find another family member. Inform them of the level of abuse that you have witnessed. If you happen to notice any bruises, report them to a domestic abuse hotline. Begin documenting everything negative she confides in you about this man. Mark it on a calendar or make a list. Highlight verbal and emotional abuse that you have witnessed personally. When you have a solid list, show it to her. Have her look at every infraction, right in a row. Tell her flat-out that she does not deserve to be treated this way, ever. Explain that he cannot possibly love her, that he is only manipulating her. Assure her that he will easily move on. Compile a list of local resources that are geared for victims of domestic abuse. Tell her you'd like to help her start believing in herself. Tell her she needs to make the first step - by walking away from the cycle of abuse.

She fears a breakup because she has learned to fear everything. Keep this in mind and never yourself falter.

Bear Cub · 07-05-2008, 09:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by twistedmosaic

Bassist sounds like a shitty friend. I wouldn't set anyone I liked up to be a 'prebound' (is that a real word?), as that is just emotional distress city.

x2.

I wouldn't call it prebound, but I think we can rightfully establish basketballs "goal tending" as an official relationship term now.

jewels · 07-06-2008, 03:18 AM

I agree with gg. Keep it friendly for now. And be patient.

If your friendship continues to grow and she wants you for more than a fall guy, she'll break it off. She's probably just not quite ready yet. Give her time.

guthmund · 07-07-2008, 01:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pogue Mahone

Alright. So I've been trying to figure this out by myself for a little bit, but I've ran into a wall.

So, we've hung out a couple of times now. And I really like you. And you really seem to like me. I think that if given the chance, this could turn in to something amazing. But the thing is, I don't know how to say it without seeming too overbearing.

Fixed that for you..

Tell her that.

In my opinion, say something...anything really. Sometimes a soft hand is best when there are other considerations, but in this case, so what? Fuck it. Lay it out, tell her that your interested and you'd like to see where it could go. Don't get involved with the drama, just put everything on the table and give her the opportunity to respond. If she prefers asshole boyfriend who is a bit too free with his fists over you--and I don't know you, but you'd have be like....really bad for you to not be a viable option...like "eat babies" bad, right?--then there isn't much to do

However, it's better than pining away, dropping the subtle hints in hopes that she'll eventually pick up on and show up on your doorstep in the middle of the night, ravish you in the doorway and guide you to your bedroom where you have fiendishly dirty monkey love and hold each other in the morning sun before....well, I've said too much.

passthru · 07-07-2008, 08:15 PM

You seem to feel pretty strongly for her, and I'm sure all our comments are reassuring one of your main feelings about this situation: she's not in a good place, and she needs a way out. You'll know better than we do the best way to help her out. If you think laying it out on the table will work, do it right away. If you think it might not, and a gradual plan would be more effective, take that path.

My first impulse is to tell her your feelings and describe her situation. That _should_ work, you just have to keep in mind she's currently affected by some degree of suffering, so it might not.

Milkyway · 07-07-2008, 09:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pogue Mahone

And from what I can tell, he treats her like hell. He's verbally abusive (potentially physically, too) and treats her like nothing more than just tits and a uterus.

One of the biggest issues right now is that she doesn't want to feel like she's cheating on this guy.

She wants out of the relationship, but she doesn't want to completely crush the guy

Okay, if you haven't already let her know what an awesome person she is for not wanting to cheat on the guy, tell her that.

Also treat her like a queen and she'll slowly realize that she likes that better than being treated like shit.

When talk of leaving Mr. Ass comes up and she expresses concern for his feelings remind her of his lack of concern for her feelings through the way he talks to her and treats her. If he doesn't care about her feelings, she doesn't need to care about his.

And also know that part of the not breaking up problem may be a fear of his reaction, maybe she's worried he'll get pissed and beat the shit out of her, especially if he gets wind of you.

If you talk her into breaking up with him, have her do it over the phone (typically over the phone is not cool, but with abusive SO it is important) and maybe be there with her to hold her hand and quietly encourage her while she does it.

Just my opinion, take it or leave it, you gotta do what's right for you. Oh and FYI she may have told your buddy to stay out of it, so maybe that's why he ain't talking.

shesus · 07-08-2008, 07:16 AM

Good advice given here, as usual.

The main thing you have to remember though is that you can't make her leave the other guy. This is her choice alone. You can pressure her, tell her your opinion, offer her help and support during and after, but the bottom line is she has to want to end it and she won't until she's ready for it.

Also, be prepared that she might not stay around with you if/when she makes the decision to leave. Of course, you might stay together forever, but you have to realize that anything is possible when ending a relationship and she may want to be on her own for awhile.

Unfortunately, the situation is in her court. I'd tell her what you said in here, back of for a bit, and see where it goes. Sometimes people need a push or a point of no return to snap them into reality to realize what they really want. Hopefully, it goes the way you want it to.

Pogue Mahone · 07-08-2008, 09:01 AM

Wow. First off, thanks for the comments! I'm still shocked as to how many people respond here.

All of the responses here have given me something different to mull over. And, honestly, I know that I was a dumbass for diving headfirst into this mess without a second thought. I'm going to give it some more thought and post back when I've figured out what I want to do.

MSD · 07-09-2008, 10:54 AM

The important part about part my advice was punching your "friend" in the wang and sarcastically thanking him for dumping problems on you. Make sure you include that in your solution.

Pogue Mahone · 07-09-2008, 03:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MSD

The important part about part my advice was punching your "friend" in the wang and sarcastically thanking him for dumping problems on you. Make sure you include that in your solution.

I'm actually going to talk to him face-to-face about this on Friday before practice. So hopefully we can get shit straightened out then. I probably won't punch him in the wang because I just don't like conflict of any kind, but I definitely will tell him that I'm pissed that he dumped this on me.

grumpyolddude · 07-13-2008, 08:56 AM

Isn't this, ultimately, up to the girl? While you can exert a little pressure on the situation, you pretty much have to wait for her to make her choices.

Way back, pre-QW, I dated a girl who was beautiful, intelligent, funny, and also seeing another guy. He was the "bad boy" type, I was the "nice guy." She and I drifted apart. Our energy levels didn't quite match, and he was more "fun."

A while later, I was contacted by her best friend. He wasn't treating her the way she deserved, in the friend's opinion, and I would be so much better for her. I still held some affection, and found myself in the same sort of situation that you describe. I had to decide whether to jump in with both feet, get mixed up in the drama and conflict, or try a more subtle approach. I chose subtle. I ended up making contact, asking her if she's like to get together in a low pressure environment. I put the ball in her court and waited.

She never came around. She eventually married the guy. I ran into her several years later, by mere chance. We had a short conversation, and she claimed that she was "happy," but I came away unconvinced. I still wish her well.

You say that you try to avoid conflict. This situation has the potential to be highly confrontational. Be very careful. Back in high school, I had a date's ex-boyfriend stalking us with a car full of guys from the school football team. I was a marked man, and spent several weeks living in sheer terror. Please don't walk yourself into a similar situation.

Make your case to the young lady, but I'd advise against being too aggressive. Whatever attracted her to this guy has still got some hold on her. Until she works past those feelings, she can't move on.

As for your bass playing friend, don't let him off the hook. He set events in motion that he needs to be responsible for. If his sister-in-law decides to make a move in your direction, he has to be actively supportive, and, push comes to shove, he has to have your back, emotionally and physically, if it comes to that.

Good luck, and keep rockin'

high_jinx · 07-15-2008, 10:30 AM

Remember that unless she's totally feeling you, every step you take toward her will make her take 2 away from you. from what you've said of this girl, i have her pegged as the type that 1) wants and needs a constant emotional rollercoaster... meaning she wants to feel swept away and out of control as a way of living adventurously and 2) addicted to people-triangles where someone has to make a choice. from my experience with these girls as a former "nice guy", she will pinball between the 2 of you as long as you allow it and even if she seemingly "picks" you, it'll only be a matter of time and/or drama and/or boredom before she talks to this "badboy" again with or without your knowledge.

07-04-2008, 04:20 PM	#1 (permalink)
Pogue Mahone Crazy Location: Denver, Colorado	What in the hell have I gotten myself into? Alright. So I've been trying to figure this out by myself for a little bit, but I've ran into a wall. So, I come to you all for help. A month ago, the bassist for my band came up with the idea to set me up with his sister-in-law. She's trying to get out of a bad relationship and he figured that if she finds a decent guy that it'll provide enough of an incentive for her to leave him. And from what I can tell, he treats her like hell. He's verbally abusive (potentially physically, too) and treats her like nothing more than just tits and a uterus. So, we've hung out a couple of times now. And I really like her. And she really likes me. I think that if given the chance, this could turn in to something amazing. But the thing is, I don't know how to say it without seeming too overbearing. One of the biggest issues right now is that she doesn't want to feel like she's cheating on this guy. She wants out of the relationship, but she doesn't want to completely crush the guy (which I find amazing in it's own right), and I don't want to put any needless pressure on her. I also don't know whether or not I should confide in the bassist on this. I've tried to push conversations toward this topic a couple of times, but he usually just tries to change the subject. I also don't know whether or not I've been looking too far into this. I know that it may not seem like much of a deal to some here, but this is the first time that I've been in a situation like this. Any advice? __________________ I still wave at the dots on the shore And I still beat my head against the door I still rage and wage my little war I'm a shade and easy to ignore

07-05-2008, 02:59 PM	#3 (permalink)
Strange Famous follower of the child's crusade?	It does sound a bit messy. I think that she probably has to make her mind up what she wants to do, and you probably have to try and force her to do so in a non-aggressive way. __________________ "Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate, for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain without being uncovered." The Gospel of Thomas

07-05-2008, 04:04 PM	#5 (permalink)
Strange Famous follower of the child's crusade?	If it was me I'd probably just get into a fight with the guy who was knocking the girl around. That isnt good advice though. __________________ "Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate, for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain without being uncovered." The Gospel of Thomas

07-05-2008, 07:07 PM	#6 (permalink)
genuinegirly Eat your vegetables Super Moderator Location: Arabidopsis-ville	First and foremost, keep your relationship with this woman at a friendship level. Be someone she can confide in. Make sure she knows how you feel about this man's actions. You cannot do this alone. If the basist friend is unwilling to discuss the situation, find another family member. Inform them of the level of abuse that you have witnessed. If you happen to notice any bruises, report them to a domestic abuse hotline. Begin documenting everything negative she confides in you about this man. Mark it on a calendar or make a list. Highlight verbal and emotional abuse that you have witnessed personally. When you have a solid list, show it to her. Have her look at every infraction, right in a row. Tell her flat-out that she does not deserve to be treated this way, ever. Explain that he cannot possibly love her, that he is only manipulating her. Assure her that he will easily move on. Compile a list of local resources that are geared for victims of domestic abuse. Tell her you'd like to help her start believing in herself. Tell her she needs to make the first step - by walking away from the cycle of abuse. She fears a breakup because she has learned to fear everything. Keep this in mind and never yourself falter. __________________ "Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq "violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

07-06-2008, 03:18 AM	#8 (permalink)
jewels Eponymous Location: Central Central Florida	I agree with gg. Keep it friendly for now. And be patient. If your friendship continues to grow and she wants you for more than a fall guy, she'll break it off. She's probably just not quite ready yet. Give her time. __________________ We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess. Mark Twain

07-05-2008, 03:39 PM	#4 (permalink)
MSD The sky calls to us ... Super Moderator Location: CT	Your bassist is an asshole for throwing you into this mess and you didn't make the best choice by agreeing to it. But you asked for help, not what I think you should have done. It's not going to be easy any way you say it, so be straightforward rather than ambiguous. Tell her that you're interested in continuing to see her, but that you're not comfortable being together if she's unwilling to leave an abusive relationship. Let her know that you will help if she asks, but that it has to be her decision. Then enjoy the rebound action you get from being her knight in shining armor before she ends up back with him because if she isn't willing to offend someone who abuses her by leaving him, she's not going to change. She is hesitating because she still has feelings for him and is too naive to realize that he's not going to change. As for your friend who introduced you, wait until she goes back to the abusive guy then punch him in the cock, thank him for dumping his family problems on you, and kick him out of the band because he's going to blame anything that happens to her, on you, for failing to fix the problems he can't.

07-07-2008, 08:15 PM	#10 (permalink)
passthru Addict Location: Portland, OR	You seem to feel pretty strongly for her, and I'm sure all our comments are reassuring one of your main feelings about this situation: she's not in a good place, and she needs a way out. You'll know better than we do the best way to help her out. If you think laying it out on the table will work, do it right away. If you think it might not, and a gradual plan would be more effective, take that path. My first impulse is to tell her your feelings and describe her situation. That _should_ work, you just have to keep in mind she's currently affected by some degree of suffering, so it might not.

07-08-2008, 07:16 AM	#12 (permalink)
shesus Fancy Location: Chicago	Good advice given here, as usual. The main thing you have to remember though is that you can't make her leave the other guy. This is her choice alone. You can pressure her, tell her your opinion, offer her help and support during and after, but the bottom line is she has to want to end it and she won't until she's ready for it. Also, be prepared that she might not stay around with you if/when she makes the decision to leave. Of course, you might stay together forever, but you have to realize that anything is possible when ending a relationship and she may want to be on her own for awhile. Unfortunately, the situation is in her court. I'd tell her what you said in here, back of for a bit, and see where it goes. Sometimes people need a push or a point of no return to snap them into reality to realize what they really want. Hopefully, it goes the way you want it to. __________________ Whatever did happen to your soul? I heard you sold it Choose Heaven for the weather and Hell for the company

07-08-2008, 09:01 AM	#13 (permalink)
Pogue Mahone Crazy Location: Denver, Colorado	Wow. First off, thanks for the comments! I'm still shocked as to how many people respond here. All of the responses here have given me something different to mull over. And, honestly, I know that I was a dumbass for diving headfirst into this mess without a second thought. I'm going to give it some more thought and post back when I've figured out what I want to do. __________________ I still wave at the dots on the shore And I still beat my head against the door I still rage and wage my little war I'm a shade and easy to ignore

07-09-2008, 10:54 AM	#14 (permalink)
MSD The sky calls to us ... Super Moderator Location: CT	The important part about part my advice was punching your "friend" in the wang and sarcastically thanking him for dumping problems on you. Make sure you include that in your solution.

07-13-2008, 08:56 AM	#16 (permalink)
grumpyolddude Deliberately unfocused Location: Amazon.com and CDBaby	Isn't this, ultimately, up to the girl? While you can exert a little pressure on the situation, you pretty much have to wait for her to make her choices. Way back, pre-QW, I dated a girl who was beautiful, intelligent, funny, and also seeing another guy. He was the "bad boy" type, I was the "nice guy." She and I drifted apart. Our energy levels didn't quite match, and he was more "fun." A while later, I was contacted by her best friend. He wasn't treating her the way she deserved, in the friend's opinion, and I would be so much better for her. I still held some affection, and found myself in the same sort of situation that you describe. I had to decide whether to jump in with both feet, get mixed up in the drama and conflict, or try a more subtle approach. I chose subtle. I ended up making contact, asking her if she's like to get together in a low pressure environment. I put the ball in her court and waited. She never came around. She eventually married the guy. I ran into her several years later, by mere chance. We had a short conversation, and she claimed that she was "happy," but I came away unconvinced. I still wish her well. You say that you try to avoid conflict. This situation has the potential to be highly confrontational. Be very careful. Back in high school, I had a date's ex-boyfriend stalking us with a car full of guys from the school football team. I was a marked man, and spent several weeks living in sheer terror. Please don't walk yourself into a similar situation. Make your case to the young lady, but I'd advise against being too aggressive. Whatever attracted her to this guy has still got some hold on her. Until she works past those feelings, she can't move on. As for your bass playing friend, don't let him off the hook. He set events in motion that he needs to be responsible for. If his sister-in-law decides to make a move in your direction, he has to be actively supportive, and, push comes to shove, he has to have your back, emotionally and physically, if it comes to that. Good luck, and keep rockin' __________________ "Regret can be a harder pill to swallow than failure .With failure you at least know you gave it a chance..." David Howard

07-15-2008, 10:30 AM	#17 (permalink)
high_jinx Psycho Location: venice beach, ca	Remember that unless she's totally feeling you, every step you take toward her will make her take 2 away from you. from what you've said of this girl, i have her pegged as the type that 1) wants and needs a constant emotional rollercoaster... meaning she wants to feel swept away and out of control as a way of living adventurously and 2) addicted to people-triangles where someone has to make a choice. from my experience with these girls as a former "nice guy", she will pinball between the 2 of you as long as you allow it and even if she seemingly "picks" you, it'll only be a matter of time and/or drama and/or boredom before she talks to this "badboy" again with or without your knowledge. __________________ -my phobia drowned while i was gettin down.