Jim Kata

Need some feedback here.

Am I being an asshole because I ask my wife to do things at the house since she is currently unemployed? Things = clean up around the house (85% of the mess is her clothes, shoes, magazines, etc), clean up HER messes in the bathroom (I am the only one that does the major cleaning in there), wait for the cable guy or other service technicians, pick up groceries, you know...things that responsible adults would do.

I know she is stressed about the job hunt...and I try being supportive. She usually applies for jobs til about noon. After that she goes shopping with her mother or goes out to lunch with her, or watches tv or plays videogames. Thats all fine and dandy and I actually have always encouraged her to do things with her mother. But now that she has all of this time on her hands and I am at work for 9 hours or so a day, I've asked her to do some of those things so I don't have to as soon as I get home and so I can get some relaxation time too. But whenever I say that, I'm an asshole and we get into huge fights. I'm told I don't take her feelings in consideration.

Again, I know she is stressed because of the job hunt. She was the main breadwinner in our household. She hasn't had hardly any call backs or interviews and she has been applying to close to a dozen jobs a week since April 1st. But is it so wrong of me to ask her to be a responsible adult and keep the house clean since she has an assload of free time and WE always talk about how the house looks so much better when its clean.

And keep in mind, I do not expect her to do all the house work. I still do more than my share of "chores" around the house which do include cleaning, cooking, making calls that need to be made, I'm just asking for a little more effort on her part. And it just needs to be done thoroughly once and the rest will be all maintenance, that won't take more than an hour a week once it is all initially done.

I just am so pissed off about this whole situation of her bitching about me asking her to do a little more around the house and help keep our house nice and neat since she has waaay more time than me to do it.

Thoughts?

Asshole or not asshole?

What can I do without being more of a bitch in the relationship than I already am when it comes to her 3 or 4 hours of work (job hunting) vs. my 8 or 9 hours a work a day and getting our house back into shape?

highthief

You are right, but I have no idea how to go about getting the result you want ... my wife's a slob, too!

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little_tippler

this thread may be useful...

http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=135468

I will say it again...it's not a black and white situation. It's a tense time, of course. But if you were feeling low and rejected in life, what's the last thing you'd want? Someone breathing down your neck I'd bet. Just be gentle and she will come around. She may be a little depressed. She probably agrees with you...just isn't willing to comply right now. So be patient and keep doing what you do...If she used to be the main breadwinner, she has it in her. Sometimes people need time. In the meantime, be flexible. Be nice. If she feels like you're not holding a grudge she will come around sooner than you think.

I also realize that the majority of people here will probably disagree with me and tell you she needs a kick in the butt...oh well. At the end of the day it's about what you are able to tolerate.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

Cynthetiq

my solution has been to hire someone to clean.

when wondering why can't go out to dinner or must scrimp on something else, it's because we choose to pay to clean instead.

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The_Jazz

Since you asked, you're an asshole. But that has nothing to do with this issue.

You are not making unreasonable requests. However, this is not really a rational situation, so I think you should cut her some slack.

To make both of you happy, I suggest asking her to do one or two specific things that need done. Stay supportive of her search, but you should realize that askin her to do "most" or "all" of the housework won't fly.

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Willravel

If I may suggest, calm down a bit. So your house is a bit messy. Is that really something to get worked up about? Try to keep it in perspective. Yes, it's her responsibility to clean up her messes.

If it's really a problem, don't say anything and don't do anything but clean up your own messes. Allow it to pile up so it can register as a priority for her. Right now, she's probably got a one track mind: find work. It can be difficult to have a well rounded disposition when in a situation like that. She is trying to contribute by getting back into a career, so you have to give her credit for that. It's not like she's lounging all day AND not doing anything to help out around the house.

I've personally found that nagging only occasionally works for children. It's never a good idea for adults.

ratbastid

You're right that she "should" pick up some household slack since she's unemployed.

However, this is a case where you can either be right or be happy.

ubertuber

Recognize also that some of your own frustration isn't about the house -- it's about you going from being the secondary earner to the primary. That's a big jump in responsibility.

If there's any resentment over that, you should at least recognize it before heaping it on her.

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Cogito ergo spud -- I think, therefore I yam

telekinetic

Being unemployed and actively searching for a job are two different things. I'd say finding a job takes more time than having one, so if she's properly pursuing employment, I'd cut her some slack.

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twisted no more

eribrav

This sounds pretty darned rational to me.

Jim Kata

we talked things out...again. im going to try relax about it all a lot more and she is going to try to do more.

Thanks all. Its funny because I don't come here half as much as I used to, but I know I can always come here for some solid advice.