soma

I started seeing this girl right before she left to the other side of the country to go to school. We really hit it off and things were great and I was sad to see her go. I was able to visit her this past week and we had a great time. Right before I left, we had a talk about our status as a couple.

She wanted us to be in a relationship, but I didn't. I basically told her I couldn't handle a long distance relationship and she seemed pretty upset about it. I feel like I might have lead her on, and kind of want to patch things up with her, but don't know how. Or is it best to just leave things the way they are?

Before I came to visit her this past week, we had a talk and agreed we were just friends. But when I was over, we had sex, went out together, and did anything a couple would do.

I really like this girl and can honestly say I'd definitely be in a relationship with her if we lived in the same city, but because of the long distance, I just don't think it could work. But my main objective is to make good with this girl.

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little_tippler

If you can't do long-distance, I don't think it matters what you say, she's going to be upset because she wants to try. It's not like she's happy just taking to you and having occasional sex, being laid back about things. She wants a serious relationship...at a distance. Sometimes you can't come out as a good guy...that's life. I think you should stay true to how you feel. I think long-distance is generally a bad idea. Only occasionally works out and it takes a lot of work...then when you get together things usually change and don't work anyway. I don't think its worth the trouble.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

stevie667

I'm in a long distance relationship, it sucks ass being away.

We're in it because neither of us was willing to end the relationship, and we still can get some time together (4-5 months a year). If your not willing to be in any type of relationship, you shouldn't, its just going to end badly.

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abaya

If you really, truly don't want to do it, then don't even try. Don't try to be friends, don't string her along with some hope that you are going to make it work.

I don't think LDR's are really THAT impossible--our close circle of friends (4 couples) from grad school all made it through 2-4 years of middle and long distance, and we all got married in the end. I will say that it was NOT a pleasant experience, the 2 years I spent apart from ktspktsp, but we were stronger because of it, and we made it. Maybe because all 4 of us couples were in it together, we got through it with support, I dunno. But I don't see all doom and gloom with LDR's... they are what each individual and couple makes of them.

But don't pretend, if you know you don't want to do it. Make your decision and stand by it.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Seer666

They never work. Learn from my heart ache. They never go well. One day everything is fine, the next she's fucking some cook she whored herself out to online.

Be friends. Be friends with benefits when you can and want. But If you spelled out what you want, and she can't handle that, then it isn't your problem. Cut ties if you need to, but stick to your guns.

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thespian86

I'm moving to Toronto to go to school and start my career and she is staying here to finish her program. We talked about ending it but I honestly can't see my life without her. I love her too much; even though it will be unbearably painful to miss her, I wouldn't despair over it. I would, however, despair over losing her. My dream, in the end, is her as of right now and I can't see that changing. I don't want to give up my dreams yet; I'm too young.

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soma

Sounds good. It just doesn't seem like something I could handle.

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Having Girl Problems?

abaya

No one can say that long-distance relationships "never" work. Yes, I do believe that it's quite rare (especially in the early 20s), but it happens. If both of you have the resolve, the maturity, and are at the right time in your lives to make it work, it can happen. I think most of it comes down to circumstances and timing than anything... and a good dose of stubbornness, too.

As I said, ktspktsp and I are in our 5th year together, after 2 long years of long-distance, and 3 of our best couple friends are all still together and married. One couple lasted 3 years over the Atlantic ocean, seeing each other every 2-3 months (between Pennsylvania and Paris). They are married with a kid now, reunited after she finished her PhD.

That said, there's no shame in admitting what you don't want to do, period. We all have our limits. I don't think the LDR is worth it unless this is someone you see yourself marrying. It has to be that serious and committed to get through it, in my opinion.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

yellowmac

Long-distance relationships work. It takes a certain set of people, and a certain set of relationship philosophies, but it can work. Good friends of mine have stuck it out through an LDR, and I see them very happy together now as married couples, so they work. I've been told you simply need a lot of patience, and a lot of trust. Great phone sex always helps, too. :-)

If you can see yourself marrying this girl, and being with her for the rest of your life, go for it.

diddagirl

I will second what Stevie said, that LDR's suck ass. It takes alot of strength, patience and love to make one work. I think if there is at least an end in sight to work towards, then its a bit easier....

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-Matthew Arnold

RetroGunslinger

Gosh, this is all kinds of frightening. My girlfriend is going up to Brigham Young University in Idaho, leaving me at Trident Tech down here in South Carolina... I'll have to resurrect this thread once I find out if I can handle it.

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amonkie

Just something interesting that I have observed. It seems to be left out of conversation and discussion that All Good Relationships take Lots of Work. Period.

What makes the long distance relationships more visible is the fact that often, you have to spend more time nurturing and continuing the healthy relationship in ways that are not always pursued when you have the luxury of close contact. But, on the other hand, LDR can save you a lot of heartache, if you are simply not on the same wavelength - this will show up a lot faster LD than in normal day to day face time.

in my current relationship, I have done a stretch of 9 months long distance, followed by 2 years together, followed 6 months LD - now we are under one roof.

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little_tippler

I think the problem with long distance relationships, particularly when you're young, is expectations. Even if you have spent real time together. The time spent together during most LDR's is usually fleeting, and exciting, and in out-of-the-ordinary circumstances, not in your natural environment I mean. So an illusion is created of how wonderful it could be when you do get together on a daily, routine type basis and have to deal with issues.

Once the LD part is over, and you decide to be together in the same place, often the illusion doesn't match the reality and there are all sorts of things you find out about each other that you didn't count on. Now, you either can deal with that and it doesn't make you love the other less, or it ruins the relationship and there you are, having spent several years on something that crumbles at the first sign of reality.

I'm not saying all LDR's work out that way. Some people have great patience, great tolerance, and a lot of love to give. They are also good at LD sex, like a previous poster said heh. I say power to those of you who stuck it out and made it. I'm just saying it takes two...and on the same wave-length.

Having tried LDR before, I try not to put myself there again...I'd rather spare myself the heartache. It's too much time spent pining about someone who you only see a few times a year. I'd rather live things here and now, when possible.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918