TouchAndGo

So I've got this dilemma where I broke up with my girlfriend with whom I've spent my last 4 years mainly because the relationship was getting boring for the past year or so. I tried to revive the fire, but in vain. I stuck to her cause she's a great person and moved abroad to the same university to be with me when she could have opted for much better offers. She's really kind and thoughtful and was putting much effort in the relationship but I just couldn't bear with it, and ended it 2 months ago.
She was completely devastated, pleading and begging for me to give her another chance, but I tried explaining her that I've tried my best so many times to make it work, and it just didn't. Being with her for 4 years has created some kind of bond and I'm feeling really REALLY bad for what she's going through, but I just can't stay chained to this unrequited love forever. It keeps me awake and makes my heart ache thinking about her throwing away her life because of me. She comes crying to me sometimes, telling me how she can't eat, can't study and cries herself to sleep and starts begging again. I really care for her as a good friend, but sadly not as a partner... Friends are trying to tell her to let go but she says she simply can't. I don't know what to do and it's affecting me and my studies too. I've taken up drinking to ease the pain away. My unit controller has even phoned me, asking me why I've missed the last 4 weeks of tutorial. I'm really lost right now and bad thoughts are running through my mind. What the hell should I do? What does she expect from me? Force my feelings or lie to her? Please help me out with some words of wisdom...

Lasereth

It's punishment for HER if you stay with her out of guilt. Don't live a lie. She will eventually get over it. She obviously had no problem with your relationship so she is getting the crap end of the stick with the breakup. It is downright awful to stay with her without feelings though...it would just end up hurting her in the end. She's trying to overlook that fact in the short term.

Yes it is miserable because of the guilt, but imagine the guilt if you stayed with her without having the right feelings? Breaking it off now is the best thing you could have done.

TouchAndGo

Yeah but the worst is, it's over since 2 months and she's still crying over it and begging. It's been haunting me for this long, there seems to be no end to it =(

vanblah

Keyword=seems

There will be an end. It will take a while and will probably require that BOTH of you make an effort to not communicate with each other for a period of time. Break-ups suck ... they suck even more in this kind of situation, ie. where there seems to be no volatile catalyst.

abaya

2 months isn't very long, especially for a 4 year relationship. Give her time and space... no contact helps, if you ask me. Hell, it took me a couple of years to get over a 1-year relationship, if that's any indication to you of how long these processes can be, sometimes.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

snowy

It takes time and distance to heal this sort of thing--meaning you need to give her a lot of space. She has got to get used to you not being there for her, which means for your part, you should stay away from her--otherwise you're just encouraging her to keep dragging this out. Abaya is right on with the no contact suggestion; that is probably the best course of action.

She will get over it--the first one's always the worst.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

high_jinx

i 2nd the no contact, and reccomend 6 months. believe me, once you get used to it, it will fly by.

oddly enough, the way that you get over this is the same way she should.... work on yourselves for awhile. picture each of you're psyches as 2 gardens. for 4 years now, you've both tended each other's garden, and now after the breakup they both feel like they're being neglected and parched. the cool thing though is that when you're in a long relationship, you forget that there are certain things only you can do to nurture your own garden, and now is the time to rediscover those things.

anything remotely productive can help. from picking up a new hobby to finishing an old project to injecting yourself into a new scene of people... just set yourself some goals, and you'll be amazed how much better you feel when you make any progress toward them. the same can be reccomended to her, and hopefully, when you talk again in a few months, you'll both be on enough of a new chapter in your life that you'll have shook free of the cycle youre in now.

__________________
-my phobia drowned while i was gettin down.

highthief

"Time heals all wounds"

2 months is nada.

__________________
Si vis pacem parabellum.

settie

I agree with everyone else, even on the side where you're not the one in love, it takes time to move on. Being one of those people in love with it unrequited, I was in the relationship for a VERY short time (about 2 months), and it took me a year to move on. Don't push it, it'll heal on its own. If it helps, completely disconnect yourself from her, she should do that anyways, because holding on like that, staying connected, only makes it take longer to get over.

genuinegirly

Whether you mean it or not, no matter how clearly and plainly you speak, if you continue communication she will hold out hope.

Drop her in the cruelest way possible. Make yourself out to be a meanie if you think it will make it easier on her.

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

TouchAndGo

Well the problem is, I really care about her and can't stand seeing her this miserable, and I try hard not to phone or SMS her to ask her how she's doing. Should I just leave it be and assume that she's doing fine?

And thanks to all of you for your inputs =)

snowy

Yes, absolutely.

To be honest, you should try not to spare her a second thought, focus on yourself, and move on.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

SSJTWIZTA

ohh, easier said than done.

everyone in this thread has the right idea. i have nothing to say really because it's already been said.

keep your head up, stay tough, and be easy my friend.

__________________
First they came for the Jews and I did not speak out because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for the communists and I did not speak out because I was not a communist.
Then they came for the trade unionists and I did not speak out because I was not a trade unionist
Then they came for me And there was no one left to speak out for me.
-Pastor Martin Niemoller

match000

Hello, i'm in the same situation as you and I had just ended it and it had lasted about 1 year.

I watched 100+ episodes of anime for the first 1.5 weeks, got myself back on TFP and I played computer games more than I worked/classes.

This last week, after the low with the anime's and computer games, I got myself to the gym about 5-6 times and I feel much better.

So, I know how you feel, but you gotta force yourself to do something else. whatever it takes.. I got my mind off alot of stuff by indulging myself in anime (about 3-4 different series).

Whatever floats your boat -- go do it!

Its pretty hard -- I feel like a stock market (sin wave?); dont miss her, miss her, dont miss her, miss her

Its quite annoying, but realize that you left for a good reason for the BOTH of you and this is much better for her in the long run. The best thing you can do for her is to stay away.

abaya

Yup.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

match000

Hey guys, just out of curiosity:

if you are the one to "fall out of love", do you still care alot about your ex?

For example, I would be deeply saddened if, in the aftermath of the breakup, someone took advantage of her due to her weakened emotional state; ya know what i mean?

Manic_Skafe

Since no one else has said it, 4 years is a pretty serious amount of time and I really do sincerely hope that ending this is what you really want.

And as for still caring about your ex, it's been 4 years since I ended a 3 year relationship with my ex g/f and while we severed ties sortly after the break-up - I still think about her all the time and still do care about her.

But yeah, being there for her through all of this isn't much of an option.

__________________
"Porn is a zoo of exotic animals that becomes boring upon ownership." -Nersesian

TouchAndGo

Okay last update, she went clubbing to get drunk with her friends 'to forget me', and kinda hooked up with a guy. And this kinda bothers me. Is jealousy a normal feeling as it's someone I've been with 4 years, or is it that stupid thing called love... *slits wrist*

match000

I think the severence in contact goes both ways.. why are you still updating yourself on waht she's doing? I intentionallly block out anything that has to do with my ex.. it helps get her outta my mind.

SteelofUtah

~~Words from an Alcoholic~~

STOP DRINKING

If it os causing problems with your academics you NEED to stop drinking you might even want to look into an AA group Just to see if you MAY be an Alcoholic and so that you know you don't have to drink much to BE an alcoholic.

As far as the girl goes man, Sorry but you kinda gotta live with your decision you really do. She is IN love with you and you aren't in love with her so yeah leaving was the right think but Now you have to SEVER ALL TIES. Eithet Draw the line with her and KEEP the line with her or Walk away completely.

I gotta say you don't paint yourself in a good light here man. It sounds like she was a GREAT girl and now you just don't wanna be with her. Like a Toy you got bored with. If she was worth 4 years why is she not worth another 4? I am Genuinly curious about this because if she did what you say she did I would see a keeper. But that is just me. To each thier own here man.

Take care maybe you need to give her some closure.

Think about the AA man I'm serious.

Steel

__________________
~~~Nothing worth Having in this life will ever come easy, but just because something is hard does not mean it is something worth having~~~