Grasshopper Green

My sister is a kleptomaniac. Last week my mother came to town for a visit and stayed at my house, so my sister also spent the week at my house (she lives with my dad). Several items from my medicine cupboard, liquor cabinet, and $20 went missing during her stay. I didn't say anything to her during the week because I didn't want to ruin my mom's visit (my mom is going through a pretty bad time at the moment and I didn't want to upset her further). I decided I'd wait until I cooled down before saying anything to her. A week later, my anger has yet to cool.

She's always been this way and has burned a lot of bridges because of it. When confronted in the past she ALWAYS denied it, even when the evidence was literallly in front of her face. We lived together for a few months while hubby was in boot camp and took my things all the time, always denying that she did it. It got to the point where I'd go into her room every few days and poke around, removing whatever she had pilfered.

I thought she had outgrown this shit. I don't want to ruin our relationship over this...she is the only sibling I have left. However, I can't trust her in my home anymore. Has anyone here ever dealt with something like this? Did the person ever change? Did it ruin your relationship with whoever was stealing from you?

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"They say that patriotism is the last refuge to which a scoundrel clings; steal a little and they throw you in jail, steal a lot and they make you king"

Formerly Medusa

Willravel

Compulsive theft is very difficult to cure, as I understand it. Bearing this in mind, this is something that would be better to accept.

I have plenty of flaws, myself. I have an intellectual vanity that I have to deal with. I used to lie compulsively; something that took me a long time and a lot of friendships to get over. I blink and fart when I'm nervous.

People who have chosen to be a part of my life are aware of these and choose to be a friend or active family member in spite of them (though many ask me to leave the room if I'm especially nervous). Likewise, I have had to make the determination as to whether the flaws and quirks of my friends and family are something I can live with or not. None are as bad as the farting, but some are rather serious.

I guess what I'm saying is that you ultimately have to weigh this rather serious quirk of our sisters in the whole equation of the relationship.

PonyPotato

My sister does the same things as yours. Except it seems to apply primarily to the objects belonging to my parents or to me. She seems to think we are easy targets. She seems to steal primarily to sell items to support her drug use, but there seems to be no reason for her stealing my clothing other than wanting it herself.

I once discovered one of my favorite shirts missing from the laundry room after my sister had been home for only an hour. I went to her room, asked her about it, she claimed no knowledge of such a shirt. I went and looked for it some more, then went back and prodded her some more. I finally got angry enough with her to tear the pillows out from under her, and guess what was beneath? Even holding the shirt in my hand that had been hidden beneath the pillow under her head, she wouldn't admit that she had taken it.

I have very little to do with her anymore. Her theft has destroyed her relationship with me; I offered her a place to live to get away from the drugs she had been using at home. The next day, I discovered two of my credit cards missing. That was really the last straw for me.. I can't even look at her anymore.

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"Without passion man is a mere latent force and possibility, like the flint which awaits the shock of the iron before it can give forth its spark."
— Henri-Frédéric Amiel

Grasshopper Green

Thanks for the responses. Your's doesn't give me much hope, merleniau...

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"They say that patriotism is the last refuge to which a scoundrel clings; steal a little and they throw you in jail, steal a lot and they make you king"

Formerly Medusa

Willravel

Medusa, your hope has to come from you. Is this something you think you can simply look past for the sake of your relationship?

Hektore

I have a sister who is a compulsive liar. She also has a serious middle child complex and goes to any length to make me look bad, (this is much less of a problem now that we're older but it persists). She lies to other members of my family, taking advantage of their kindness and in general just isn't a good person. We don't speak. If she showed up on my doorstep without a place to go, I would seriously consider turning her away.

I don't treat familial relations as though they have any inherent worth. In general, I try not to put too much emphasis on things I can't affect, such as who my sister is. If she were any other person walking down the street, I wouldn't have anything to do with her because of her actions. Why should I take exception because of something that was completely out of my control? Of course, some of my relatives would be more likely to try to screw you over than a complete stranger. So maybe I got a jaded view of family.

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The advantage law is the best law in rugby, because it lets you ignore all the others for the good of the game.

JustJess

Medusa - is she stealing anything in particular, or are the items entirely random? Is it like Merleniau's sister, stealing to support a habit, or in selfishness? I'm asking because it's helpful to know if she's sketchy or actually compulsively needs to steal. If it's a compulsion vs. lazy/addict/greed, my approach would be entirely different.

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My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

ratbastid

YouTube!

Grasshopper Green

will: I don't know. Like I said...I can't trust her at my house. I'm not sure I can overlook having to be on guard and suspicious anytime she is over, and since she doesn't have her own place, we always hang out at mine.

Hektore: My sister is a compulsive liar as well. I ALWAYS take whatever she says with a grain of salt because even if it's not a flat out lie...it probably isn't completely truthful either.

Jess: I don't think she has ever taken money from me before my mom's visit, and I don't think she does it to support a habit (although I could be wrong, I suspect she is addicted to painkillers but she never seems to have a problem getting a prescription). It seems she takes things because she simply wants them. She sees it, she wants/needs it, so she takes it. I wouldn't put it past her to steal something of value though. About 8 years ago she basically stole my identity and ordered a bunch of crap from a catalogue...and I got the bill. I know it was her because the company sent me a copy of the order and it was in her very distinctive handwriting.

I guess I'm just tired of all of this. I know I can't change her. She has major issues that she has to sort out herself...I just don't know if I want to be around until she comes to that conclusion. If she ever does.

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"They say that patriotism is the last refuge to which a scoundrel clings; steal a little and they throw you in jail, steal a lot and they make you king"

Formerly Medusa

Hektore

Well, I don't want to tell you what to do, but I seriously doubt she is going to change on her own. Having her family sideline her, might be just the thing it takes to snap her out of it. Some people have to hit rock bottom before they'll turn it around.

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The advantage law is the best law in rugby, because it lets you ignore all the others for the good of the game.

Hain

I thought I replied to this thread earlier.

I find that once they hit rock bottom, they've found something stable to make a pot to piss into.

What is that relationship worth? It is obviously worth more to the klepto sister.

People like this don't just need love and family and support-- they need therapy. If you love her, make her see someone.

Willravel

Just a second. Somehow I missed this: She stole pills, alcohol, and cash? It may not be kleptomania. Kleptomania involves the theft of objects that are not needed for personal use or monitory value. The theft is committed purely for the pleasure/gratification/relief of the act. (DSM-4 312.32)

It sounds more like she is stealing to feed her addictions. I'm not a state-certified licensed therapist, but from my training and those few bits of information this would be my opinion.

This would also mean different advice from me. Instead of learning to live with it, it would probably be better to have an intervention. For the time being, though, I would suggest speaking to someone who specializes in addiction about your sister. You can give them all the facts, they can ask questions and make a complete diagnosis and can offer you good advice on what would be best for you and your sister.

ngdawg

You may have to be the rock bottom she needs. Sister or not, would she be someone you would want to be around?
Perhaps it's time to say, flat out, "You're not welcome here until you clean up your act, stop stealing and then lying about it. I'm not your personal store." And back it up.
There's a very old Ann Landers saying: No one can take advantage of you without your permission.

My ex-sister-in-law was beautiful(an ex-model), charming and a lying, crack smoking thief. She stole checks from my sister, sold my brother's (her husband) credit cards and even made a false report of her car being stolen-in a drug-infested neighborhood in Gastonia, NC. She ruined my entire planned weekend with friends because I had to go to that area to pick her up. After her crocodile tears and admission she's a crackhead, I told her I was dropping her off at the hospital and whatever she does after that is her problem.
My brother is still reeling 6 years later because his identity was stolen and she took everything they had, but he's rid of her and doesn't know or care where she is.

The long and short of it is, if she doesn't care that she's stealing from her own sister, why should you care about hurting her feelings? You wouldn't treat a stranger who steals that way-she deserves no better just because of blood. You're not ruining the relationship-she took care of that the first time she decided to help herself to your things.

Kahn

1) yes
2) no
3) yes

my advice is to consider how important your relationship is with your sibling and weigh that against the things she does to you / steals from you .. eventually, you will either come to realise what I have (they never change), or you will accept the repeated theft of your belongings and the continual betrayal of your trust

that seems insensitive and uncaring doesn't it

well tough shit .. for me personally, blood does not excuse the many transgressions against you .. so you can either take the high spiritually religious road and break your neck trying to change them into a better person (good luck with that), or you can cut your losses and send their lying, thieving ass packin'

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Attention everyone: We have another potential asshole in the area !

You don't have bad luck, the reason bad things happen to you is because you're a dumbass !!

Dinner $50
Drinks $30
Motel $40

Finding out she swallows -
PRICELESS!!!

Grasshopper Green

UPDATE:

I confronted my sister about the things that disappeared after her visits to my house and she denied everything. I mentioned that I found one of the missing things in her glasses case and she said she borrowed that and forgot to put it back. After I left, she proceeded to send me a bunch of nasty text messages to my phone. So yeah...it went really well. I don't believe a word she said and yet I still feel like shit.

__________________
"They say that patriotism is the last refuge to which a scoundrel clings; steal a little and they throw you in jail, steal a lot and they make you king"

Formerly Medusa

Willravel

Medusa: she probably doesn't have kleptomania, which means she's stealing to feed an addiction. Have an intervention. If she does it again after the intervention, call the police.

ngdawg

That's the difference between you too. You have a conscience. She does not.
She's not only a thief, she's a manipulator. Don't allow her to rule you. Know who you are. Know you can only help yourself, not her and let her destroy her own life, not take yours along.

Grasshopper Green

Just for clarification...the things in the medicine were not "medicine" but run of the mill stuff...eye drops, some tweezers, Abreva. Nothing she's taken could be resold (except perhaps the liquor, but she probably just drank it or took it to a party). However, thank you for the suggestions. She's living with my dad and I plan on talking to him next week (he is on vacation right now)

__________________
"They say that patriotism is the last refuge to which a scoundrel clings; steal a little and they throw you in jail, steal a lot and they make you king"

Formerly Medusa

Willravel

When someone is stealing money and alcohol, it's likely not kleptomania. Eye drops, tweezers, cold sore medicine; she could very well be using all of those. Kleptomania is the uncontrollable want to steal anything, and usually they take things that they don't want or need.

Regardless of an eDiagnosis (which, btw, you should take at face value since I've never met your sister and I am not licensed), something clearly needs to be done. Best of luck.