ASU2003

So everyone says "be yourself", but what happens when others won't accept you because you don't fit as their typical group member?

I mean in the past 5 years, I have learned more about life and who I am and who I want to be than in the previous 20. But the problem is that I have no group of friends I can call up anymore. Besides working, shopping, and eating at fast food places, almost everything else I do is by myself.

I have tried to come up with as many groups that I can think of and why it doesn't work out.


Internet groups – too flaky, too unorganized, too spread out, too paranoid, others are too busy

Hacker group – I’m not 'leet' enough for them, actually I can’t join due to my job

WoW - I don't play addicting video games

Poor people – I’m now too rich

Rich people – I’m not rich enough

Photography group – don’t have a good enough camera

Travel group – can’t get enough time off, like to do my own thing when on vacation, set dates and times are not my friend

Backpackers – not social enough, haven’t gone backpacking for more than 1 week at a time. I should have done this when I was 18 for a year...

Tattoo/motorcycle groups – don’t have either, really doubt I will ever get either.

Smokers – don’t smoke

Frat – out of college, don’t drink beer

Bar scene/Sports fan – don’t drink beer, no team to get behind

Church – not a big fan of organized religion

Political – Independent, too liberal for conservatives, too conservative for liberals

Beach – no beach near Ohio

Hippies – don’t smoke pot, not stoned enough

Techno ravers – don’t fit in, don’t do E

Volunteering – my schedule is too unreliable (I actually am doing this in April, but it is a one weekend thing with people from work)

Work people – great when traveling together, but everyone has their own life after work normally.

Gym/Exercise - This is a possibility, although travel makes it hard to be a regular.

Running - I run at weird times, in weird places. I don't run all that far or fast either. I run for fun, not for health or to push myself.

MySpace/craigslist/Internet personals - it is a long shot.

I would love to find a group of similar people that are fun to hang out with. It is what is missing from my life, and finding them is the second half of my two goals for this year. (The first is to get my life in order and organized, and I have been making good progress on that).

I guess the first thing is to define what I would want to do with a group of friends. Probably barbeques, mountain biking, camping trips, poker nights, road trips,...

How did you find people to hang out with when you moved to a new city? Has anybody else found any good groups? Or how do you go about forming a group of people that would all want to do something?

Manic_Skafe

Perhaps you haven't quite found anyone to hang out with yet because instead of seeing people as they actually are, you're far too busy figuring which category they belong to.

I'm assuming you've also categorized yourself in a similar manner. Seems you still have quite a bit more to learn about yourself.

I might not have had a "deep and meaningful" connection with everyone I've ever known but I have found that in some way, they've all taught me something. Learn to appreciate people for whom they are and you'll find that in some way or another - they will surprise you.

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Ustwo

The obvious solution is to start smoking, drinking beer, get a tattoo and a motor cycle.

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PonyPotato

You must realize that people come together not necessarily because they fit into a "group," but more often to participate in an activity together.

I don't have a "group" of friends any longer (in fact, I probably never realy did); the people I spent time with in the dorm have since splintered without the forced closeness of the living situation; the people I spent time with at home never formed a coherent "group," instead people came together for parties, bowling, events, etc. Person A decided to hold event X, invites person B, who invites person C, etc.

I find that now, unless I participate in some sort of club organized activity, I very rarely spend time with more than a couple of people at once. If I do, it is largely for a planned event, or because I visit my best friend and she invites her roommates out with us who then invite their friends. It's an interesting dynamic.. I have few connections here myself, and since I intend to move 7 hours away within a few months I feel it almost pointless to work hard to make new ones when I have plenty of other obligations.

Honestly, if you want to be able to call someone and end up hanging out with a "group" of people, you're probably going to have to meet someone who is already in an established group with an established. I find that establishing habits with people is difficult anyway, and is moreso after the freedom of college is past.

Spontaneous calls resulting in interacting with more than a few people at a time? I doubt it, especially if the people you intend to interact with are responsible people who care about their careers, classes, etc. Sure, I like to get random calls to be asked to hang out.. but I never end up doing so. It always happens at a time when I am busy with deadlines; unfortunately, getting schoolwork done often means scheduling my interactions with others in advance. Sure, it sucks.. but that's the way things work. I can no longer walk down the hallway and find someone to watch a movie with at 3 am.

Edited to add: Another thought! If you are religious whatsoever, consider joining a church. They are often the best way to meet people and participate in organized activities, and usually prove to be a good way to make friends. A lot of the time I sit and wonder why churches don't seem to exist for atheists and agnostics.. the concept is a very good one, and allows you to feel like part of a community.

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"Without passion man is a mere latent force and possibility, like the flint which awaits the shock of the iron before it can give forth its spark."
— Henri-Frédéric Amiel

Cynthetiq

Manic speaks the best advice.

Those "groups" you posted, many people fall in and out of those groups, ebbing and flowing with life as needed. You've spent far more time analyzing when you could just be doing.

I'd also state that what you've posted in this vein in the past and now is always so rigid, and structured. You don't have time for a social life because you've got this schedule. You can't make friends because of this highly organized process.

Maybe you need to take a step back and relax. Enjoy life. Life doesn't fit into these grand little categories that happen from 6pm-8pm M-F.

I'd also like to add, "no one likes you?" Maybe that's because you've not given people an opportunity to like you. Meaningful friendships and relationships take time. If you don't give them time, they don't grow and don't happen.

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Jinn

Very concise, very true. I think my ideal "group" of friends would be people who have absolutely nothing in common, no common group which connects them. More to talk about that way..

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allaboutmusic

I'd want us to have at least SOMETHING in common, but not everything. I think I would find it quite hard to relate to someone who was COMPLETELY different to me.

Fotzlid

I see someone who has always hung out with the same people since probably before high school and that group is no longer around because life happened and their priorities and interests have changed.
I also see someone who's trying to rebuild a core group of friends but is having difficulty because they realize that they no longer have as narrow a field of interest as they probably did with the old group.

I think the exact opposite is happening. The OP is too busy trying to fit themselves into a box.

medlar

When I first moved to where I am now, I never saw so many different kinds of cliques, gangs, groups of anyone at a school before. I went to a boys school back home and you had two distinct groups and one sub group.
The brains/swots/geeks collectively and your sports ones. Mainly soccer. I fell into both kind of drifting between the two back there, no bothers. The sub group were for the hopeless and the helpless and as well hall monitors.But here in this school I still go from with the ones tha appeal to my geek/gaming/books/grades side and in the same day with the sport groups, mainly soccer. So it's two distinct groups there I orbit around the popular cliques, never really part of it. And I avoid emo/goths pretty much. Though a good friend of mine tries to pass as an emo/goth/punk and therefore stand on her own.
anyway....I haven't found myself yet, to settle on any group. I have enough problems settling with one girl without losing myself..

jewels

Think of friendships in terms of TFP. The age range here is huge, we're from varying backgrounds and income brackets, some into porn, some into horses, some Christian, some not.

But somehow we learn from the voice and experience of one another. Everyone's got something to offer. We only have one simple thing in common: brilliance

Don't try so hard to fit in, just be true to yourself, no matter how cliche that is. There are lots of people who don't bother with the borders. You'll find them as long as you give people a chance.

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We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
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savmesom11

Very wise advice here. In addition you are kind of self-sabotaging your own happiness. People feed off of others energy, if you are giving off bad vibes, then no one is going to be interested in getting to know you and accepting you for what you are or aren't.

Yeah, we are pretty brilliant aren't we!

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* I do not believe that struggles are a sign of life falling apart, but rather a step of life falling into place. *

allaboutmusic

That and modesty.

josh10524

What I'm going to say is going to seem both mean and complimentary, so please bear with me.

First of all, your assumption that nobody likes you, while probably exaggerated, has an element of truth. Just reading your post gave me the impression of someone that I would rather not spend time with. You come across as needy and insecure.

I'm going to infer from your post that you're around 25. What makes you so sure that you've "found yourself?" That's a poor term for a process that never really ends. You don't lift a cushion on your couch one day and suddenly, shit! that's where I've been the whole time! Discovering yourself is as much developing your interests and constantly breaking down and rebuilding your mindsets and attitudes as it is discovering some inbuilt predispositions and coming to terms with them.

These groups that you've attempted to quantify, they're artificial constructs that exist as obstacles only in your mind. Sure, there are cliques and groups that are based on common interest, that's the natural order of things. But to assume that you're some puzzle piece in search of the right spot to fit in suggests a very immature understanding of life. I have friends in the military, friends who are pot smoking liberal hippies, friends who like cars and friends who like interior decorating. The common thread that places them in the same group is that they all have something that I find worthwhile and they see something worthwhile in me. This isn't high school.

More than anything, you need to be more confident, not just that you can accomplish things, but that you're okay the way you are. If you don't feel that way, you need to ask yourself why. Despite all the P.C. bullshit floating around these days, everybody is not a winner, being unique is not a virtue in it's own right, and you do not necessarily deserve to be accepted.

As harsh as that sounds, it's not an attack against you personally, it's an appeal to introspection. Find something you have a passion for, pursue it, excel in it, and you will find that people naturally gravitate to you.

I really believe that this will work for you, and I truly hope you find a great bunch of friends that can appreciate what you bring to the group.


P.S. - If you look at groups of people, there is always one or more people that seem to know everybody. Social groups are not uniform sets of people. Different people serve different roles within the group. Seek out the individuals that tend to serve as an anchor point for more than one smaller group of friends, and get to know them. Get under their good graces and you've effectively validated yourself to a much larger group of people.

I could write about this all night, but we're veering towards political engineering and social manipulation, and we're trying to win you a couple friends, not overthrow a government.

Willravel

You're getting mad that people are stereotyping you while you're stereotyping them. Huh.

World's King

Hey dumbass....


You found a group.


Why would you have posted this if you didn't think you fit in here... ?

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Bear Cub

If no one likes you, who gives a shit? Who are they to judge?

Besides, over 6.5 billion people on the planet, there are plenty of people who like you. Why should you have to be labeled as a groupie anyways?

dd3953

i can't help but agree.

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savmesom11

You always give me the warm and fuzzies

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* I do not believe that struggles are a sign of life falling apart, but rather a step of life falling into place. *

Plan9

Hasn't anybody learned a thing from those Starbelly Sneetches?

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

indy-p

Well, without stating the obvious, no one has to like you or respect you.

I think in most cases, if a person has no friends then either it's because some aspect of his or her personality is repellent to others, or they have committed some kind of act which makes others shun them, or they simply don't want any friends, which is his or her choice after all.

In the first two cases, then a person can either make himself or herself more likeable and socialable, or move town. To me, being likeable is projecting a personable aura. Smile and make others like you, since no one else owes anybody else friendship.

snowy

There is! The Unitarian Universalist church welcomes atheists and agnostics with open arms:

To the OP: As everyone else has said here, don't waste your time trying to label people. Instead, look for activities YOU enjoy, regardless of the people you'll meet while doing them. It seems to me you're really focused on the negative aspects of finding and keeping friends or joining a group. Get over it, and just enjoy yourself. Limiting yourself from activities for the reasons you've listed is, quite frankly, silly.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

high_jinx

it's been said already, but i'm gonna say it in a different way....

build yourself up. spend some time achieving some goals or making something. if you pick something that can be shared, go put it where people can experience it. from there, you'll pickup "fans". some of the fans you won't like, or will dismiss into their appropriate pigeonhole. others you will, and once you dig deeper, you'll probably be able to find something about them to be a fan of. THOSE are the people that might make good friends for you.

but anyway, the bottom line is that people will come to you and you'll find the scene you're looking for if you build yourself up first.

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-my phobia drowned while i was gettin down.