If you saw one parent cheating on the other, would you tell the other parent?
 

Immediately.

There's just no excuse for actions like that, ESPECIALLY in a marriage WITH kids.

I'd talk some sense into them, and end the conversation with "You tell him/her or I will."

It depends on which one of the partners I have the relationship with...

If it is my friend that is doing the cheating, I wouldn't tell the other partner.
I would speak to my friend about it and remind him or her what is at stake.

I don't see it as my job or moral imperative to be an informer.

Charlatan - I think kate means your own parents.

I think I'd tell them straight away.

Depending on the circumstances I may give them a chance to tell the other themselves.

This happened to my mother when she was much younger. She found out that my grandfather had been cheating on my grandmother and she told her about it. I don't think she ever regretted the decision.

In that case... I would stay out of it except to confront the cheating parent and say, "You need to do the right thing here, either break off the affair, or get a divorce."

I still don't think it's my obligation to inform the other parent about the affair. Their marriage is their business.

I suspect that my father cheated on my mother. Frankly, it wasn't my business then and it's not my business now. I'm with Charlatan on this one.

+1

My mom alluded to the idea that maybe my dad cheated on her while saying something about picking her or their mutual gal pal at the time. Dad picked mom, mom said it wasn't any of my concern and not to worry about it.

Wow religious obligation to honor your mother and father, & ethical dilemma, honestly I probably would ask a Rabbi for guidance in such a situation.

If it were my mom cheating on my dad (hypothetically speaking) and I knew, I would tell him. If it were my dad cheating on my mom, and I knew, I would get a new bike.

Ditto that.

I might talk to the person doing the cheating but it is not my place to tell the uninformed party otherwise.

Sounds harsh, but I don't see a lot of good coming from me revealing that sort of secret.

I have a feeling my dad's had a girlfriend for quite some time. He and my mother have not been in love or even really "in like" with each other for years. They don't sleep together unless they have to, there's constant verbal sniping on Dad's part, and Mom has let herself go because she's so depressed but won't get treatment. Dad won't get a divorce because he won't pay Mom alimony. If Dad's got a chippie somewhere, I'm all for it. He'd have my blessing and my silence.

I agree - this was the case in my family, and my dad recently finally left home. He's happier.

That said, Stella, you are already "the other woman" in one family, does that give you an unusual perspective?

My parents are divorced.





Thanks for bringing up bad memories. :(

Hmm... interesting question! I hadn't thought of it that way, since my place in this family is one of love and acceptance from both of them. If I were to put myself in the space of the "other woman", I guess that would color my view. In fact, for a while, that's how I felt; I knew that my relationship with ratbastid was all right with lurkette, but I always felt like I was sneaking around. She and I did a lot of work making sure that everything was out in the open, feelings expressed, worries looked over and broken down. (It's still a lot of work.) But even with all my concerns, I knew I was making him happy, and that was enough. If Dad is seeing someone on the side... well, I'd be thrilled if Mom and Dad could go the route of an open and loving marriage, but their relationship is so broken that it's not a good idea. I think people need to be happy, and part of that happiness is in sexual self-expression and love. Part of me is still a little kid wanting Mommy and Daddy to be in love, but I know that's not the case; the adult in me says to let Dad be happy with his life and choices, however they look to me. As long as he's being careful and he has that space of love in his life, I have no problem with it.

I've seen you reference your dad's happiness twice in your posts Stella (and I'm sorry if there's something I've missed in your posts elsewhere), but you haven't mentioned your mum's happiness? Or is that something you've realised you have no control over?

Sorry, don't mean to pry but I'm genuinely wondering.

Did your grandma forgive your grandpa?

I like to think that Id be able to confront the parent cheating, but I dont know if Id be able to. Its kinda none of my business. Im not inside of their marriage and its not up to me to make sure theyre okay.

No apologies necessary. Mom's shut herself away from the world- there are a lot of issues at work there, none of which pertain to this thread- and Dad is out and about. Hell, if Mom wants a lover, I'm all for that! But as I stated in one of the previous posts, we're pretty sure Dad is with someone outside the marriage. My mom is miserable in that relationship but will not seek any kind of therapy, and that's her choice. I'd love for her to be happy, too, don't get me wrong. She's put herself in a position that she's not willing to change; I can't force her to "be happy, dammit"... much as I would like to. So, yeah, it's something I have no control over. The only thing I can control is my own response-- I'd be happy for them if they got their shit together, divorced, and moved on with their lives. As it is, I'll have to settle for being happy for them if they have a lover outside the bonds of their crappy marriage.

Not. Bitter. :thumbsup:

There are so many factors that only the child in this situation would know.

1. Is the affair a defensive one; ie is the "victim" parent ignoring, refusing sex with, antagonizing, or otherwise forcing the "offender" into finding an outlet without destroying the potentially beneficial familial ties for kids, husband, and the self?

2. Is the "victim" aware of the likelihood of this affair. Many simple accept that fact that true monogamy is rare and unlikely in real life and rarely has anything to do with "love".

3. If the "victim" isn't aware, should he/she be? Is it pretty obvious but he/she simple chooses to be blind to it?

4. Is the "victim" also having an affair? Sometimes we assume that the one we catch is the only offender, often not true.

5. Does there seem to still be real "love" between the two or is it one-sided toward the "victim"? Other words is the "victim" being victimized? Sometimes women have commented that their husbands are never more loving or attentative as when they are having affairs.

You need to evaluate so much to make a decision as to whether to tell or not. Then you have to wait and see how that unfolds; and be willing to change your mind or assist in mending what you opened up, depending on your choice. The involvement of your decision won't end for you once you make it, it justs gets started.

Nope. It's their business and no one elses.

My grandma never forgave my grandpa. They have been married for some 30 years since. We have reason to believe that my grandpa's cheating caused her to go into depression and she has made sure that he suffers for it (I've been a witness of her success). I don't think you can ever fully forgive who breaks your trust that much (my grandpa cheated with 1 woman for 7 years!)

I'd talk to them about it and ask them to come clean to the spouse. If they didn't, I wouldn't say anything myself. However, I would keep reminding them of it until they did come clean. People too often make other people's business their own. It drives me nuts.

I wasn't critical of your family with Mr and Mrs Bastid - I was meaning that because you have been brave and self-aware enough to do something unconventional that has made all three of you happy, maybe you're open to empathsing with your Dad more than many others.

I find it interesting that since I divorced (for my wife's infidelity) both my Father and my Brother have re-assessed their own failing relationshis in the light of my new found happiness in my second marriage, and left their respective wives.

I feel that seeing that my life didn't go all to pieces made them realise that unsatisfactory things that had been causing both of them real grief (in one case a bored marriage with little love, and in the other a drunken spouse) gave them "permission" to look elsewhere.

Daniel_, I didn't read a bit of criticism in it. :) That was actually a fun exercise. And I really do hope my living situation has helped my parents start thinking, like your family did. Mom got incredibly pissed when I told her I was getting a divorce, and I've always wondered if it's because I did something that she's unable or unwilling to do in order to be happy. As it is now, she's much more accepting of my life than my father is... so maybe those mental wheels are turning!

To be completely honest, if my father cheated on my mother, he'd get a swift punch to the face, and then my mother would be told.

If my mother cheated on my father, the other male would get a punch in the face, in front of her, and then my father would be told.


Sure, plenty of people have the "none of my business" approach, and with friends or strangers, I agree. However, if it's family involved, even though we're not that close, I feel that is IS my business.

My dad has known for a long time if he ever cheats on my mum I'll kill him, literally, he's even told people as much when I've been in the room after we found out my uncle cheated on my aunt, dad said "if I ever did that Jay would kill me" and he's right.

If mum cheated on dad, the other guy would end up in the hospital for a long time, with an assortment of injuries, it would be a terrible 'accident'.

Hm- so doesn't Mom also deserve a slap in the face? Not that I agree at all with the last two posts, but if you're going to beat the hell out of someone you may as well spread it around to all parties involved. Mom fucked someone else, too.

I'm a guy, it's not proper to hit women, hence why the other man makes a trip to hospital. I'm pretty sure the fact I wouldn't have anything to do with her for the rest of her life would be enough of a punishment, I am after all her only child.

Yep.

If she had a wang, you bet she'd get a broken jaw as well.

I am truly fascinated by the urge to beat on people because they chose to have sex with someone else (or break someone else's trust).

I can totally see getting upset with either one of your parents for being dishonest but resorting to violence suggests to me that there is something else at work here. Care to shed some light on this?

I have to agree, I'm fascinated as well.

I'll go out on a limb and say 'all talk'.

Yeah, probably all talk.

Violence is a form of release.

Sometimes it makes you feel better.

I actually got a slight variation of this question on a test in my Pastoral Counseling class! My answer: I would talk to the cheating party immediately, but calmly, and explain that this was absolutely unacceptable. I would give them a set time limit in which to tell the other parent of their unfaithfulness, and begin the process of deciding on a course of action for the repair or the dissolution of the marriage. I would offer my help if desired, but make it clear that the situation cannot go forward as it stands, if for no other reason than if I found out, others would inevitably find out, and it would be a community scandal.

Among my people, few things are considered as grievous an offense as causing someone else to become an object of public ridicule. We're also not generally big on adultery or deceit, but in my opinion, that's secondary here.

You've never met me or you'd think different.

I can only speak for myself here.



Yes, I would resort to violence. I wouldn't consider myself a violent person, but there are certain things which do push me over the edge, based on things I find particularly offensive for one reason or another.


I have struck a man who has had a very physical confrontation with a woman in public. Gut reaction, when I see a man inflict any physical harm on a woman, I step in. If he backs off, that's fine, if not, I swing.

I have struck a man who has PUNCHED a child in public. I don't mean spank, I don't even mean slap, I mean clearly intoxicated male, close fist, strike a child.

If we're talking about friends cheating, to each their own. Between the physical health of myself, other members of my family, illegitimate children, drug abuse, my family has been through a lot. Yes, others are far worse off than I, but as a child, I remember holiday dinners with 30 to 40 family members in attendance. Many years later, those same holiday dinners are down to 6 people, myself included, soon to be 5, as my grandmother is in her later years.

The marriage of my parents is virtually the only thing holding together what's left of our family. For either one of them to ruin all that's left would, with 100% certainty, be one of hair triggers that leads me to do things I'm not proud of.

Like I said, I'm not a violent person. I'm very level headed in both my personal and my professional life, but there are just a handful of occasions in which I will lay you out or die trying, and this just happens to be one of them.

So you are a violent person who can't control their temper and would even resort to premeditated murder because your daddy cheated on your mommy?

Its not your relationship its THEIR relationship and if there is a problem there its their problem to deal with, not yours to murder over, fucking up what chance their might be to work it out.

Unless you are still a child you should realize this, so I'm still going with all talk since I don't think you are that much of a child.