kate jack

Immediately.

There's just no excuse for actions like that, ESPECIALLY in a marriage WITH kids.

Willravel

I'd talk some sense into them, and end the conversation with "You tell him/her or I will."

Charlatan

It depends on which one of the partners I have the relationship with...

If it is my friend that is doing the cheating, I wouldn't tell the other partner.
I would speak to my friend about it and remind him or her what is at stake.

I don't see it as my job or moral imperative to be an informer.

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

allaboutmusic

Charlatan - I think kate means your own parents.

little_tippler

I think I'd tell them straight away.

Depending on the circumstances I may give them a chance to tell the other themselves.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

samurai_x44

This happened to my mother when she was much younger. She found out that my grandfather had been cheating on my grandmother and she told her about it. I don't think she ever regretted the decision.

__________________

Charlatan

In that case... I would stay out of it except to confront the cheating parent and say, "You need to do the right thing here, either break off the affair, or get a divorce."

I still don't think it's my obligation to inform the other parent about the affair. Their marriage is their business.

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

Grasshopper Green

I suspect that my father cheated on my mother. Frankly, it wasn't my business then and it's not my business now. I'm with Charlatan on this one.

__________________
"They say that patriotism is the last refuge to which a scoundrel clings; steal a little and they throw you in jail, steal a lot and they make you king"

Formerly Medusa

Fotzlid

+1

surferlove007

My mom alluded to the idea that maybe my dad cheated on her while saying something about picking her or their mutual gal pal at the time. Dad picked mom, mom said it wasn't any of my concern and not to worry about it.

Xazy

Wow religious obligation to honor your mother and father, & ethical dilemma, honestly I probably would ask a Rabbi for guidance in such a situation.

Crack

If it were my mom cheating on my dad (hypothetically speaking) and I knew, I would tell him. If it were my dad cheating on my mom, and I knew, I would get a new bike.

__________________
Crack, you and I are long overdue for a vicious bout of mansex.

~Halx

jewels

Ditto that.

__________________
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

highthief

I might talk to the person doing the cheating but it is not my place to tell the uninformed party otherwise.

Sounds harsh, but I don't see a lot of good coming from me revealing that sort of secret.

__________________
Si vis pacem parabellum.

StellaLuna

I have a feeling my dad's had a girlfriend for quite some time. He and my mother have not been in love or even really "in like" with each other for years. They don't sleep together unless they have to, there's constant verbal sniping on Dad's part, and Mom has let herself go because she's so depressed but won't get treatment. Dad won't get a divorce because he won't pay Mom alimony. If Dad's got a chippie somewhere, I'm all for it. He'd have my blessing and my silence.

__________________
Screw tradition!

Daniel_

I agree - this was the case in my family, and my dad recently finally left home. He's happier.

That said, Stella, you are already "the other woman" in one family, does that give you an unusual perspective?

__________________

╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗
Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

World's King

My parents are divorced.





Thanks for bringing up bad memories.

__________________
heavy is the head that wears the crown

StellaLuna

Hmm... interesting question! I hadn't thought of it that way, since my place in this family is one of love and acceptance from both of them. If I were to put myself in the space of the "other woman", I guess that would color my view. In fact, for a while, that's how I felt; I knew that my relationship with ratbastid was all right with lurkette, but I always felt like I was sneaking around. She and I did a lot of work making sure that everything was out in the open, feelings expressed, worries looked over and broken down. (It's still a lot of work.) But even with all my concerns, I knew I was making him happy, and that was enough. If Dad is seeing someone on the side... well, I'd be thrilled if Mom and Dad could go the route of an open and loving marriage, but their relationship is so broken that it's not a good idea. I think people need to be happy, and part of that happiness is in sexual self-expression and love. Part of me is still a little kid wanting Mommy and Daddy to be in love, but I know that's not the case; the adult in me says to let Dad be happy with his life and choices, however they look to me. As long as he's being careful and he has that space of love in his life, I have no problem with it.

__________________
Screw tradition!

allaboutmusic

I've seen you reference your dad's happiness twice in your posts Stella (and I'm sorry if there's something I've missed in your posts elsewhere), but you haven't mentioned your mum's happiness? Or is that something you've realised you have no control over?

Sorry, don't mean to pry but I'm genuinely wondering.

Miss Mango

Did your grandma forgive your grandpa?

I like to think that Id be able to confront the parent cheating, but I dont know if Id be able to. Its kinda none of my business. Im not inside of their marriage and its not up to me to make sure theyre okay.

StellaLuna

No apologies necessary. Mom's shut herself away from the world- there are a lot of issues at work there, none of which pertain to this thread- and Dad is out and about. Hell, if Mom wants a lover, I'm all for that! But as I stated in one of the previous posts, we're pretty sure Dad is with someone outside the marriage. My mom is miserable in that relationship but will not seek any kind of therapy, and that's her choice. I'd love for her to be happy, too, don't get me wrong. She's put herself in a position that she's not willing to change; I can't force her to "be happy, dammit"... much as I would like to. So, yeah, it's something I have no control over. The only thing I can control is my own response-- I'd be happy for them if they got their shit together, divorced, and moved on with their lives. As it is, I'll have to settle for being happy for them if they have a lover outside the bonds of their crappy marriage.

Not. Bitter.

__________________
Screw tradition!

Plan9

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Nole of 4UrMe

There are so many factors that only the child in this situation would know.

1. Is the affair a defensive one; ie is the "victim" parent ignoring, refusing sex with, antagonizing, or otherwise forcing the "offender" into finding an outlet without destroying the potentially beneficial familial ties for kids, husband, and the self?

2. Is the "victim" aware of the likelihood of this affair. Many simple accept that fact that true monogamy is rare and unlikely in real life and rarely has anything to do with "love".

3. If the "victim" isn't aware, should he/she be? Is it pretty obvious but he/she simple chooses to be blind to it?

4. Is the "victim" also having an affair? Sometimes we assume that the one we catch is the only offender, often not true.

5. Does there seem to still be real "love" between the two or is it one-sided toward the "victim"? Other words is the "victim" being victimized? Sometimes women have commented that their husbands are never more loving or attentative as when they are having affairs.

You need to evaluate so much to make a decision as to whether to tell or not. Then you have to wait and see how that unfolds; and be willing to change your mind or assist in mending what you opened up, depending on your choice. The involvement of your decision won't end for you once you make it, it justs gets started.

__________________
Love is a four letter word.

hunnychile

Nope. It's their business and no one elses.

__________________
"I need compassion, understanding and chocolate." - NJB

samurai_x44

My grandma never forgave my grandpa. They have been married for some 30 years since. We have reason to believe that my grandpa's cheating caused her to go into depression and she has made sure that he suffers for it (I've been a witness of her success). I don't think you can ever fully forgive who breaks your trust that much (my grandpa cheated with 1 woman for 7 years!)

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LoganSnake

I'd talk to them about it and ask them to come clean to the spouse. If they didn't, I wouldn't say anything myself. However, I would keep reminding them of it until they did come clean. People too often make other people's business their own. It drives me nuts.

__________________
Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques

Daniel_

I wasn't critical of your family with Mr and Mrs Bastid - I was meaning that because you have been brave and self-aware enough to do something unconventional that has made all three of you happy, maybe you're open to empathsing with your Dad more than many others.

I find it interesting that since I divorced (for my wife's infidelity) both my Father and my Brother have re-assessed their own failing relationshis in the light of my new found happiness in my second marriage, and left their respective wives.

I feel that seeing that my life didn't go all to pieces made them realise that unsatisfactory things that had been causing both of them real grief (in one case a bored marriage with little love, and in the other a drunken spouse) gave them "permission" to look elsewhere.

__________________

╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗
Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

StellaLuna

Daniel_, I didn't read a bit of criticism in it. That was actually a fun exercise. And I really do hope my living situation has helped my parents start thinking, like your family did. Mom got incredibly pissed when I told her I was getting a divorce, and I've always wondered if it's because I did something that she's unable or unwilling to do in order to be happy. As it is now, she's much more accepting of my life than my father is... so maybe those mental wheels are turning!

__________________
Screw tradition!

Bear Cub

To be completely honest, if my father cheated on my mother, he'd get a swift punch to the face, and then my mother would be told.

If my mother cheated on my father, the other male would get a punch in the face, in front of her, and then my father would be told.


Sure, plenty of people have the "none of my business" approach, and with friends or strangers, I agree. However, if it's family involved, even though we're not that close, I feel that is IS my business.

silent_jay

My dad has known for a long time if he ever cheats on my mum I'll kill him, literally, he's even told people as much when I've been in the room after we found out my uncle cheated on my aunt, dad said "if I ever did that Jay would kill me" and he's right.

If mum cheated on dad, the other guy would end up in the hospital for a long time, with an assortment of injuries, it would be a terrible 'accident'.

__________________
Absence makes the heart grow fonder

StellaLuna

Hm- so doesn't Mom also deserve a slap in the face? Not that I agree at all with the last two posts, but if you're going to beat the hell out of someone you may as well spread it around to all parties involved. Mom fucked someone else, too.

__________________
Screw tradition!

silent_jay

I'm a guy, it's not proper to hit women, hence why the other man makes a trip to hospital. I'm pretty sure the fact I wouldn't have anything to do with her for the rest of her life would be enough of a punishment, I am after all her only child.

__________________
Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Bear Cub

Yep.

If she had a wang, you bet she'd get a broken jaw as well.

Charlatan

I am truly fascinated by the urge to beat on people because they chose to have sex with someone else (or break someone else's trust).

I can totally see getting upset with either one of your parents for being dishonest but resorting to violence suggests to me that there is something else at work here. Care to shed some light on this?

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

Ustwo

I have to agree, I'm fascinated as well.

I'll go out on a limb and say 'all talk'.

__________________
Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

Plan9

Yeah, probably all talk.

Violence is a form of release.

Sometimes it makes you feel better.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

levite

I actually got a slight variation of this question on a test in my Pastoral Counseling class! My answer: I would talk to the cheating party immediately, but calmly, and explain that this was absolutely unacceptable. I would give them a set time limit in which to tell the other parent of their unfaithfulness, and begin the process of deciding on a course of action for the repair or the dissolution of the marriage. I would offer my help if desired, but make it clear that the situation cannot go forward as it stands, if for no other reason than if I found out, others would inevitably find out, and it would be a community scandal.

Among my people, few things are considered as grievous an offense as causing someone else to become an object of public ridicule. We're also not generally big on adultery or deceit, but in my opinion, that's secondary here.

__________________
Dull sublunary lovers love,
Whose soul is sense, cannot admit
Absence, because it doth remove
That thing which elemented it.

(From "A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning" by John Donne)

silent_jay

You've never met me or you'd think different.

__________________
Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Bear Cub

I can only speak for myself here.



Yes, I would resort to violence. I wouldn't consider myself a violent person, but there are certain things which do push me over the edge, based on things I find particularly offensive for one reason or another.


I have struck a man who has had a very physical confrontation with a woman in public. Gut reaction, when I see a man inflict any physical harm on a woman, I step in. If he backs off, that's fine, if not, I swing.

I have struck a man who has PUNCHED a child in public. I don't mean spank, I don't even mean slap, I mean clearly intoxicated male, close fist, strike a child.

If we're talking about friends cheating, to each their own. Between the physical health of myself, other members of my family, illegitimate children, drug abuse, my family has been through a lot. Yes, others are far worse off than I, but as a child, I remember holiday dinners with 30 to 40 family members in attendance. Many years later, those same holiday dinners are down to 6 people, myself included, soon to be 5, as my grandmother is in her later years.

The marriage of my parents is virtually the only thing holding together what's left of our family. For either one of them to ruin all that's left would, with 100% certainty, be one of hair triggers that leads me to do things I'm not proud of.

Like I said, I'm not a violent person. I'm very level headed in both my personal and my professional life, but there are just a handful of occasions in which I will lay you out or die trying, and this just happens to be one of them.

Ustwo

So you are a violent person who can't control their temper and would even resort to premeditated murder because your daddy cheated on your mommy?

Its not your relationship its THEIR relationship and if there is a problem there its their problem to deal with, not yours to murder over, fucking up what chance their might be to work it out.

Unless you are still a child you should realize this, so I'm still going with all talk since I don't think you are that much of a child.

__________________
Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.