Caring for Your Introvert - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Baraka_Guru · 01-12-2008, 06:25 AM

As an introvert, I support this article. And for you extroverts out there, this might read as humorous, but it is actually quite on the mark.

After you have read this article, I am willing to open this up to a question-and-answer period.

Quote:

The habits and needs of a little-understood group

by Jonathan Rauch
Caring for Your Introvert

From Atlantic Unbound:

Interviews: "Introverts of the World, Unite!"
(February 14, 2006)
A conversation with Jonathan Rauch, the author who—thanks to an astonishingly popular essay in the March 2003 Atlantic—may have unwittingly touched off an Introverts' Rights revolution.

Follow-up: The Introversy Continues
Jonathan Rauch comments on reader feedback about introvert dating—and poses a new question

Do you know someone who needs hours alone every day? Who loves quiet conversations about feelings or ideas, and can give a dynamite presentation to a big audience, but seems awkward in groups and maladroit at small talk? Who has to be dragged to parties and then needs the rest of the day to recuperate? Who growls or scowls or grunts or winces when accosted with pleasantries by people who are just trying to be nice?

If so, do you tell this person he is "too serious," or ask if he is okay? Regard him as aloof, arrogant, rude? Redouble your efforts to draw him out?

If you answered yes to these questions, chances are that you have an introvert on your hands—and that you aren't caring for him properly. Science has learned a good deal in recent years about the habits and requirements of introverts. It has even learned, by means of brain scans, that introverts process information differently from other people (I am not making this up). If you are behind the curve on this important matter, be reassured that you are not alone. Introverts may be common, but they are also among the most misunderstood and aggrieved groups in America, possibly the world.

I know. My name is Jonathan, and I am an introvert.

Oh, for years I denied it. After all, I have good social skills. I am not morose or misanthropic. Usually. I am far from shy. I love long conversations that explore intimate thoughts or passionate interests. But at last I have self-identified and come out to my friends and colleagues. In doing so, I have found myself liberated from any number of damaging misconceptions and stereotypes. Now I am here to tell you what you need to know in order to respond sensitively and supportively to your own introverted family members, friends, and colleagues. Remember, someone you know, respect, and interact with every day is an introvert, and you are probably driving this person nuts. It pays to learn the warning signs.

What is introversion? In its modern sense, the concept goes back to the 1920s and the psychologist Carl Jung. Today it is a mainstay of personality tests, including the widely used Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. Introverts are not necessarily shy. Shy people are anxious or frightened or self-excoriating in social settings; introverts generally are not. Introverts are also not misanthropic, though some of us do go along with Sartre as far as to say "Hell is other people at breakfast." Rather, introverts are people who find other people tiring.

Extroverts are energized by people, and wilt or fade when alone. They often seem bored by themselves, in both senses of the expression. Leave an extrovert alone for two minutes and he will reach for his cell phone. In contrast, after an hour or two of being socially "on," we introverts need to turn off and recharge. My own formula is roughly two hours alone for every hour of socializing. This isn't antisocial. It isn't a sign of depression. It does not call for medication. For introverts, to be alone with our thoughts is as restorative as sleeping, as nourishing as eating. Our motto: "I'm okay, you're okay—in small doses."

How many people are introverts? I performed exhaustive research on this question, in the form of a quick Google search. The answer: About 25 percent. Or: Just under half. Or—my favorite—"a minority in the regular population but a majority in the gifted population."

Are introverts misunderstood? Wildly. That, it appears, is our lot in life. "It is very difficult for an extrovert to understand an introvert," write the education experts Jill D. Burruss and Lisa Kaenzig. (They are also the source of the quotation in the previous paragraph.) Extroverts are easy for introverts to understand, because extroverts spend so much of their time working out who they are in voluble, and frequently inescapable, interaction with other people. They are as inscrutable as puppy dogs. But the street does not run both ways. Extroverts have little or no grasp of introversion. They assume that company, especially their own, is always welcome. They cannot imagine why someone would need to be alone; indeed, they often take umbrage at the suggestion. As often as I have tried to explain the matter to extroverts, I have never sensed that any of them really understood. They listen for a moment and then go back to barking and yipping.

Are introverts oppressed? I would have to say so. For one thing, extroverts are overrepresented in politics, a profession in which only the garrulous are really comfortable. Look at George W. Bush. Look at Bill Clinton. They seem to come fully to life only around other people. To think of the few introverts who did rise to the top in politics—Calvin Coolidge, Richard Nixon—is merely to drive home the point. With the possible exception of Ronald Reagan, whose fabled aloofness and privateness were probably signs of a deep introverted streak (many actors, I've read, are introverts, and many introverts, when socializing, feel like actors), introverts are not considered "naturals" in politics.

Extroverts therefore dominate public life. This is a pity. If we introverts ran the world, it would no doubt be a calmer, saner, more peaceful sort of place. As Coolidge is supposed to have said, "Don't you know that four fifths of all our troubles in this life would disappear if we would just sit down and keep still?" (He is also supposed to have said, "If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it." The only thing a true introvert dislikes more than talking about himself is repeating himself.)

With their endless appetite for talk and attention, extroverts also dominate social life, so they tend to set expectations. In our extrovertist society, being outgoing is considered normal and therefore desirable, a mark of happiness, confidence, leadership. Extroverts are seen as bighearted, vibrant, warm, empathic. "People person" is a compliment. Introverts are described with words like "guarded," "loner," "reserved," "taciturn," "self-contained," "private"—narrow, ungenerous words, words that suggest emotional parsimony and smallness of personality. Female introverts, I suspect, must suffer especially. In certain circles, particularly in the Midwest, a man can still sometimes get away with being what they used to call a strong and silent type; introverted women, lacking that alternative, are even more likely than men to be perceived as timid, withdrawn, haughty.

Are introverts arrogant? Hardly. I suppose this common misconception has to do with our being more intelligent, more reflective, more independent, more level-headed, more refined, and more sensitive than extroverts. Also, it is probably due to our lack of small talk, a lack that extroverts often mistake for disdain. We tend to think before talking, whereas extroverts tend to think by talking, which is why their meetings never last less than six hours. "Introverts," writes a perceptive fellow named Thomas P. Crouser, in an online review of a recent book called Why Should Extroverts Make All the Money? (I'm not making that up, either), "are driven to distraction by the semi-internal dialogue extroverts tend to conduct. Introverts don't outwardly complain, instead roll their eyes and silently curse the darkness." Just so.

The worst of it is that extroverts have no idea of the torment they put us through. Sometimes, as we gasp for air amid the fog of their 98-percent-content-free talk, we wonder if extroverts even bother to listen to themselves. Still, we endure stoically, because the etiquette books—written, no doubt, by extroverts—regard declining to banter as rude and gaps in conversation as awkward. We can only dream that someday, when our condition is more widely understood, when perhaps an Introverts' Rights movement has blossomed and borne fruit, it will not be impolite to say "I'm an introvert. You are a wonderful person and I like you. But now please shush."

How can I let the introvert in my life know that I support him and respect his choice? First, recognize that it's not a choice. It's not a lifestyle. It's an orientation.

Second, when you see an introvert lost in thought, don't say "What's the matter?" or "Are you all right?"

Third, don't say anything else, either.

Grasshopper Green · 01-12-2008, 06:49 AM

I'm fairly introverted and I've never understood the concept of "awkward silences" (unless it's after someone sticks their foot in their mouth). Silence is golden, and there definitely isn't enough of it. Good article

Impetuous1 · 01-12-2008, 07:05 AM

I'm introverted and am rather sure I was passed up for a promotion because I'm not very talkative. How do I know this? Because the other two females they hired instead are very talkative. I'm pretty sure it wasn't their qualifications because I know for a fact that I had better performance and more seniority. So yes, I find your article to have very good points. Particularly about how female introverts have a much harder time and are less accepted than male introverts. The other person they promoted was a male and he is somewhat of an introvert himself.

pig · 01-12-2008, 07:17 AM

I'm so glad that I'm introverted, but only mildly so. The ability to make small talk and say hello to co-workers is fucking invaluable. Like most things, if you let your introversion go to an extreme, it will bite you in the ass. I've seen it happen with people I work with.

Ustwo · 01-12-2008, 07:21 AM

As a self cured former introvert, I have to say there is really nothing going for being an introvert.

You can be both and enjoy both sides of it.

ring · 01-12-2008, 07:25 AM

I unplug for introspection when needed.

Redlemon · 01-12-2008, 07:45 AM

I'm an introvert, and I'm lucky enough to have an extroverted wife that understands me. We have a full day of events planned. She's attending the first one without me (a 6 year old's birthday party) so that I don't have to have a whole day of small talk.

Fotzlid · 01-12-2008, 10:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ustwo

As a self cured former introvert, I have to say there is really nothing going for being an introvert.

You can be both and enjoy both sides of it.

I am an introvert by nature.
I can force myself to be extroverted. I've found that it is useful at work. It is, however, extremely exhausting. After a couple of days of forced extroversion, I can become very withdrawn.
I can be both but I dont think I can say I enjoy it. It can be fun sometimes, but just sometimes.

roachboy · 01-12-2008, 10:17 AM

i'm kind of both...but i suppose the way this plays out is that i'm kind of shy, uncomfortable in situations where i dont know anyone.

i have difficulty with small talk because in a context that makes me nervous, i dont remember how to make it. plus small talk involving men seems to require some engagement with sports, which frankly constitutes a level of proactive effort that i dont expend.

i dont mind playing various sports, though: i am particularly good at playing the position of the alienated bitter incompetent.
which gives me considerable range.

i'm not sure of the overall distribution of these tendencies of intro and extro.
i wonder how much they turn up in pure form in the shape of someone who is wholly one or the other.
i suspect lots of us are kind of both, and that the relative prominence of one or the other is a function of the situation.

01-12-2008, 06:49 AM	#2 (permalink)
Grasshopper Green ...is a comical chap Location: Where morons reign supreme	I'm fairly introverted and I've never understood the concept of "awkward silences" (unless it's after someone sticks their foot in their mouth). Silence is golden, and there definitely isn't enough of it. Good article __________________ "They say that patriotism is the last refuge to which a scoundrel clings; steal a little and they throw you in jail, steal a lot and they make you king" Formerly Medusa

01-12-2008, 07:17 AM	#4 (permalink)
pig pigglet pigglet Location: Locash	I'm so glad that I'm introverted, but only mildly so. The ability to make small talk and say hello to co-workers is fucking invaluable. Like most things, if you let your introversion go to an extreme, it will bite you in the ass. I've seen it happen with people I work with. __________________ You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

01-12-2008, 07:21 AM	#5 (permalink)
Ustwo Pissing in the cornflakes	As a self cured former introvert, I have to say there is really nothing going for being an introvert. You can be both and enjoy both sides of it. __________________ Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

01-12-2008, 07:45 AM	#7 (permalink)
Redlemon Devoted Donor Location: New England	I'm an introvert, and I'm lucky enough to have an extroverted wife that understands me. We have a full day of events planned. She's attending the first one without me (a 6 year old's birthday party) so that I don't have to have a whole day of small talk. __________________ I can't read your signature. Sorry.

01-12-2008, 10:17 AM	#9 (permalink)
roachboy Super Moderator Location: essex ma	i'm kind of both...but i suppose the way this plays out is that i'm kind of shy, uncomfortable in situations where i dont know anyone. i have difficulty with small talk because in a context that makes me nervous, i dont remember how to make it. plus small talk involving men seems to require some engagement with sports, which frankly constitutes a level of proactive effort that i dont expend. i dont mind playing various sports, though: i am particularly good at playing the position of the alienated bitter incompetent. which gives me considerable range. i'm not sure of the overall distribution of these tendencies of intro and extro. i wonder how much they turn up in pure form in the shape of someone who is wholly one or the other. i suspect lots of us are kind of both, and that the relative prominence of one or the other is a function of the situation. __________________ a gramophone its corrugated trumpet silver handle spinning dog. such faithfulness it hear it make you sick. -kamau brathwaite

01-12-2008, 07:05 AM	#3 (permalink)
Impetuous1 Insane Location: Arizona	I'm introverted and am rather sure I was passed up for a promotion because I'm not very talkative. How do I know this? Because the other two females they hired instead are very talkative. I'm pretty sure it wasn't their qualifications because I know for a fact that I had better performance and more seniority. So yes, I find your article to have very good points. Particularly about how female introverts have a much harder time and are less accepted than male introverts. The other person they promoted was a male and he is somewhat of an introvert himself.

01-12-2008, 07:25 AM	#6 (permalink)
ring ░ Location: ❤	I unplug for introspection when needed.