At what point... - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

scarglitter · 11-24-2007, 02:35 PM

Hello all,
This is kind of complicated because I am confused about my feelings. The issue is that I have been with my boyfriend for 4.5 years, and cohabitating for nearly 4. We get along great (people always comment that they can not believe we have been together so long because we get along so well). The reason I am feeling conflicted it that I am unsure where this is going. In the beginning, we both agreed we were not into the whole marriage thing. Now, I am reconsidering my views. On top of that, he really does not want marriage (which may be because he has not met the right person).

I am still not really into the idea of marriage, but at the same time, I fear I may be wasting my youth by staying in a long-term relationship with no future plans. While I do love him, and feel a very close connection with him, I am unsure where we are going, and at what point we realize we may be wasting each other's time. After talking to a couple of my older married colleagues, they both said they just knew when they were with the person they wanted to marry. While I do not really buy into the "magic" approach to marriage, it does seem like if, after 4.5 years, neither of us are even talking about long-term goals of the relationship, I fear we may be just waiting to see if something/someone better comes along. In the meantime, we are comfortable in our situation. I realize it is unique to have a relationship like ours, in which we really respect each other and get along so well. And the thought of breaking up makes me cry on cue. I just can not imagine my life without him. At the same time, I do not want to wake up one day with the realization that someone better came along and nabbed him, or I missed out on my 20s, which I feel should be a time of self-exploration.

I am interested to hear what your experiences are with long-term relationships. Where I am right now, I am unsure if I should stay in the long-term relationship, in which I am happy, with the risk of regret (missing out on other opportunities in my 20s), or if I should cut it off and explore myself further, with the risk of regret of losing such a great person.

Is this just the typical double-edged sword, in which people in relationships miss being single, while single people miss relationships?

Thanks for reading this and sharing your thoughts/experiences.

ngdawg · 11-25-2007, 07:05 AM

If you're happy with him, stay. What is it about getting married that you think you should have? His name? His verbal commitment? Discuss the future with him-where do you see yourselves 2, 5, 10 years from now?
I lived with the spouse before getting married. We got married because I whined about going to a bunch of weddings as a "girlfriend" when we'd be playing house before any of those marriages took place. It was not a good reason to get married.

scarglitter · 11-25-2007, 01:48 PM

Thank you ngdawg. How long did you live with your spouse before marriage?

The idea of marriage seems arbitrary in our case. I guess it is the commitment I was after, but I am quite cynical about longevity of commitment in marriage compared to cohabitation. We have a strong commitment to each other; it is just easier to exit if things do not work out - which is actually a benefit of cohabitation at our age in my opinion. I have no idea why marriage is on my mind, as I told myself I would not even think about it until after completing grad school. It could be related to societal/familial pressures, but usually I am tougher than this!

I am actually a little embarrassed by my original post. At my latest family function, the issue was brought up; while I brushed it off at the time, it lingered in the back of my mind for a couple of days. Then, after talking to my coworkers, I started to feel that if my boyfriend does not want to get married, it must be because I am not the "one" for him. Call it temporary low self esteem, depression, or hormonal angst, but I let the idea blow out of proportion (hence the wasting each other's time bit). Our relationship is exactly what I want at this point - relaxing, satisfying, fulfilling. So yea, that post was written when I was feeling quite unclear and upset. Once I got some quality sleep, I woke up with the realization that I can not throw away a relationship so meaningful and important due to uncertainty or something I do not necessarily hold in high regards (marriage).

Honestly, cohabitation is great. I would never marry someone without living with them for many years prior, and feel that my boyfriend and I still need a few more years under our belts (and I more education) before even thinking about something like marriage.

pig · 11-25-2007, 02:27 PM

scar: i'd suggest sitting back and asking yourself what marriage means to you, or what you'd like for it to mean. is there a type of 'officially committed' relationship you desire, or that makes logical sense to you? if so, why would you want it and how would it be structured? i used to be in the camp you're in: marriage is superfluous, mildly mysoginistic, and overly confining. in more recent years, as the idea of producing progeny enters my mind, i find that i can see a logical reason for marriage: a recognition and desire to attempt to provide a stable structure for replication of the Family. a series of legal benefits, and psychologically comforting structure to build from. if you don't see a reason to marry someone, then don't get married.

analog · 11-25-2007, 05:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pig

scar: i'd suggest sitting back and asking yourself what marriage means to you, or what you'd like for it to mean. is there a type of 'officially committed' relationship you desire, or that makes logical sense to you? if so, why would you want it and how would it be structured? i used to be in the camp you're in: marriage is superfluous, mildly mysoginistic, and overly confining. in more recent years, as the idea of producing progeny enters my mind, i find that i can see a logical reason for marriage: a recognition and desire to attempt to provide a stable structure for replication of the Family. a series of legal benefits, and psychologically comforting structure to build from. if you don't see a reason to marry someone, then don't get married.

^

Minus the personal anecdote about family.

little_tippler · 11-26-2007, 11:34 AM

I'm not sure on this one. Every relationship has its story and the right decision for some is not the right decision for others.

My first thought is: are you able to discuss this concern of yours with him? Or are you afraid of what his reply may be?

If you are afraid of his response then I think maybe you already know it. You may be "happy" in your comfort, but perhaps there are underlying problems/issues that you need to solve together. Perhaps that happiness is only a product of lack of willingness to be confrontational. I don't think that is a good thing.

I know it's a cliché, but I do think that when you really fall for someone, you DO know that you don't care if they asked you to move in tomorrow, you might even go ahead and say yes as a first impulsive response. I only say this because I have had this experience, one where that did not happen, and one where it did. It really opened my eyes. I know which relationship was the strongest.

I'm not sure your issue really is marriage, perhaps it's not knowing what the future might be for the two of you? I hit that crossroads in a relationship I was in, and I came to the conclusion that my boyfriend's unwillingness to committ (to any sort of "plan" or future project together, no matter how much I told him this had importance to me) was indicative of how much he was willing to put into our relationship. And I had to decide that just wasn't enough for me.

I'm not saying throw it all away...but at least you should talk to him about it. Don't be too hard, just try and make him see that all you want is some reassurance for the future...maybe not a "wedding", but maybe an idea of what you can do in the future together. I don't think it's much to ask, after 4.5 years. If he's unwilling to offer you anything, I think that's quite selfish and you need to consider it may be that way for the rest of your lives "together".

Jadast · 11-26-2007, 09:22 PM

My wife and I dated in high school. After graduation we moved in together for 3 months then married. We have been married 19 years. We talked for those 3 months about a lifetime together and realized that was what we wanted.

I suggest having a series of discussions with your boyfriend to come to the same vision for your relationship. Do you both want to be married? If so, do you both want to be married to each other? If either answer is yes then you just need to work on details and time frames. If either answer is no then you have some tough decisions to make.

11-24-2007, 02:35 PM	#1 (permalink)
scarglitter Upright	At what point... Hello all, This is kind of complicated because I am confused about my feelings. The issue is that I have been with my boyfriend for 4.5 years, and cohabitating for nearly 4. We get along great (people always comment that they can not believe we have been together so long because we get along so well). The reason I am feeling conflicted it that I am unsure where this is going. In the beginning, we both agreed we were not into the whole marriage thing. Now, I am reconsidering my views. On top of that, he really does not want marriage (which may be because he has not met the right person). I am still not really into the idea of marriage, but at the same time, I fear I may be wasting my youth by staying in a long-term relationship with no future plans. While I do love him, and feel a very close connection with him, I am unsure where we are going, and at what point we realize we may be wasting each other's time. After talking to a couple of my older married colleagues, they both said they just knew when they were with the person they wanted to marry. While I do not really buy into the "magic" approach to marriage, it does seem like if, after 4.5 years, neither of us are even talking about long-term goals of the relationship, I fear we may be just waiting to see if something/someone better comes along. In the meantime, we are comfortable in our situation. I realize it is unique to have a relationship like ours, in which we really respect each other and get along so well. And the thought of breaking up makes me cry on cue. I just can not imagine my life without him. At the same time, I do not want to wake up one day with the realization that someone better came along and nabbed him, or I missed out on my 20s, which I feel should be a time of self-exploration. I am interested to hear what your experiences are with long-term relationships. Where I am right now, I am unsure if I should stay in the long-term relationship, in which I am happy, with the risk of regret (missing out on other opportunities in my 20s), or if I should cut it off and explore myself further, with the risk of regret of losing such a great person. Is this just the typical double-edged sword, in which people in relationships miss being single, while single people miss relationships? Thanks for reading this and sharing your thoughts/experiences. Last edited by scarglitter; 11-24-2007 at 03:01 PM..

11-25-2007, 02:27 PM	#4 (permalink)
pig pigglet pigglet Location: Locash	scar: i'd suggest sitting back and asking yourself what marriage means to you, or what you'd like for it to mean. is there a type of 'officially committed' relationship you desire, or that makes logical sense to you? if so, why would you want it and how would it be structured? i used to be in the camp you're in: marriage is superfluous, mildly mysoginistic, and overly confining. in more recent years, as the idea of producing progeny enters my mind, i find that i can see a logical reason for marriage: a recognition and desire to attempt to provide a stable structure for replication of the Family. a series of legal benefits, and psychologically comforting structure to build from. if you don't see a reason to marry someone, then don't get married. __________________ You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

11-26-2007, 11:34 AM	#6 (permalink)
little_tippler Leaning against the -Sun- Super Moderator Location: on the other side	I'm not sure on this one. Every relationship has its story and the right decision for some is not the right decision for others. My first thought is: are you able to discuss this concern of yours with him? Or are you afraid of what his reply may be? If you are afraid of his response then I think maybe you already know it. You may be "happy" in your comfort, but perhaps there are underlying problems/issues that you need to solve together. Perhaps that happiness is only a product of lack of willingness to be confrontational. I don't think that is a good thing. I know it's a cliché, but I do think that when you really fall for someone, you DO know that you don't care if they asked you to move in tomorrow, you might even go ahead and say yes as a first impulsive response. I only say this because I have had this experience, one where that did not happen, and one where it did. It really opened my eyes. I know which relationship was the strongest. I'm not sure your issue really is marriage, perhaps it's not knowing what the future might be for the two of you? I hit that crossroads in a relationship I was in, and I came to the conclusion that my boyfriend's unwillingness to committ (to any sort of "plan" or future project together, no matter how much I told him this had importance to me) was indicative of how much he was willing to put into our relationship. And I had to decide that just wasn't enough for me. I'm not saying throw it all away...but at least you should talk to him about it. Don't be too hard, just try and make him see that all you want is some reassurance for the future...maybe not a "wedding", but maybe an idea of what you can do in the future together. I don't think it's much to ask, after 4.5 years. If he's unwilling to offer you anything, I think that's quite selfish and you need to consider it may be that way for the rest of your lives "together". __________________ Whether we write or speak or do but look We are ever unapparent. What we are Cannot be transfused into word or book. Our soul from us is infinitely far. However much we give our thoughts the will To be our soul and gesture it abroad, Our hearts are incommunicable still. In what we show ourselves we are ignored. The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged By any skill of thought or trick of seeming. Unto our very selves we are abridged When we would utter to our thought our being. We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams, And each to each other dreams of others' dreams. Fernando Pessoa, 1918

11-25-2007, 07:05 AM	#2 (permalink)
ngdawg peekaboo Location: on the back, bitch	If you're happy with him, stay. What is it about getting married that you think you should have? His name? His verbal commitment? Discuss the future with him-where do you see yourselves 2, 5, 10 years from now? I lived with the spouse before getting married. We got married because I whined about going to a bunch of weddings as a "girlfriend" when we'd be playing house before any of those marriages took place. It was not a good reason to get married.

11-25-2007, 01:48 PM	#3 (permalink)
scarglitter Upright	Thank you ngdawg. How long did you live with your spouse before marriage? The idea of marriage seems arbitrary in our case. I guess it is the commitment I was after, but I am quite cynical about longevity of commitment in marriage compared to cohabitation. We have a strong commitment to each other; it is just easier to exit if things do not work out - which is actually a benefit of cohabitation at our age in my opinion. I have no idea why marriage is on my mind, as I told myself I would not even think about it until after completing grad school. It could be related to societal/familial pressures, but usually I am tougher than this! I am actually a little embarrassed by my original post. At my latest family function, the issue was brought up; while I brushed it off at the time, it lingered in the back of my mind for a couple of days. Then, after talking to my coworkers, I started to feel that if my boyfriend does not want to get married, it must be because I am not the "one" for him. Call it temporary low self esteem, depression, or hormonal angst, but I let the idea blow out of proportion (hence the wasting each other's time bit). Our relationship is exactly what I want at this point - relaxing, satisfying, fulfilling. So yea, that post was written when I was feeling quite unclear and upset. Once I got some quality sleep, I woke up with the realization that I can not throw away a relationship so meaningful and important due to uncertainty or something I do not necessarily hold in high regards (marriage). Honestly, cohabitation is great. I would never marry someone without living with them for many years prior, and feel that my boyfriend and I still need a few more years under our belts (and I more education) before even thinking about something like marriage.

11-26-2007, 09:22 PM	#7 (permalink)
Jadast Upright Location: Summerville, SC	My wife and I dated in high school. After graduation we moved in together for 3 months then married. We have been married 19 years. We talked for those 3 months about a lifetime together and realized that was what we wanted. I suggest having a series of discussions with your boyfriend to come to the same vision for your relationship. Do you both want to be married? If so, do you both want to be married to each other? If either answer is yes then you just need to work on details and time frames. If either answer is no then you have some tough decisions to make.