Dumbest things you've heard people say
 

My grandmother continues to boggle my mind everyday. I used to think she was intelligent when I was a child. She reads quite a bit, at least. Anyway, I'm amazed at some of the things she says. One thing she said recently made my cousin and I both laugh. She said, "You hear about all the men who fought in WWII and how they were heroes, but you never hear about Hitler! He was the reason we went over there in the first place, you know." *palm to face* My God.

Share your stories.

12th grade in US Government class. My teacher was lecturing and mentioned Georgia. A class mate suddenly raise his hands and said "Umm, where's Georgia at?" The whole class laughed at him. The teacher, wanting to save him some face, said "Maybe he meant Georgia the country" but we all know better.

And he was born here...

Ok people have a tendency to say extremely stupid things around me so list time!

1) "No I'm not worried about sun bathing you can only get skin cancer if you live under one of those holes in the ozone layer"

2) "What? where'd your tattoo go? I thought they were permanent" (please note that he was looking at the wrong side of my neck)

3) "What, so wait a second your modem is on FIRE and you didn't think to mention this?" - from when I used to work helpdesk for a wireless ISP and someone rang up unable to connect due to the fact that they had fried a circuit board in their wireless modem.

4) "Ahh the good old days, when the men were men, the women were men and the sheep were scared"

5) "I don't sort my laundry I prepare it for surgery"

6) "What are you talking about I have a very delicate filing system for my belongings - everything goes on the floor"

1) guy from work was asked how many beers short of a six pack he was, his reply was "three". And he meant it.

2) Customer at work asking me to cut an 8' piece of wood into two 6' pieces.
"Don't try to rip me off punk, I know quite well that I don't need to buy 2 eight foot pieces to get what I want."

3) A looooong time ago customer. "Yeah, that xxxxx for $79.95, how much is it?"

4) My wife. "Would you like to fuck me?"

Aaah, deployment brings out the best dumb quotes:

"Hey, Sarge... I think there's something metal buried in the dark over there on the side of the road."

"Hey, Sarge... I can't find my weapon."

"God, why is it so hot over here?"

I keep track of memorable fumbles in my life:

Stuck in front of a razorwire fence: "Robot, get out your shovel."

Me: "Hey, 'Ooops... I did it again,' is a Britney Spears album... not the way to handle bad past relationships!"
Girlfriend: "Thank you very much, have a nice day and go fuck yourself, asshole."

Drunken voicemail I got in '05: "Who's that man? The manly man! He's CROMPSIN! I said who's that man? The ladies man! He's CROMPSIN! Who's the coolest guy on the street, the crazy guy layin' down ghetto beats; if he had a sponge he'd wash your feet! He's CROMPSIN! CROMPSIN! Yeah CROMPSIN!"

A friend of my little brother once made a great argument about how there wasn't gravity under water.

Really? The POTUS really is the king of dumb.
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/blbushisms.htm
http://www.slate.com/id/76886/

"Because he's hiding…"
—Bush, explaining why Osama bin Laden has yet to be captured. (Washington Post interview, Jan. 16, 2005)

I get a kick out of people who call my house looking for me, if I'm late for something, and ask "Hey, man, where are you?" Uhh...at home?

"You can't get blood from a tuna."

I didn't actually hear these but still.......


(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?


Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not
live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.


"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey



"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .



"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett,
University of Kentucky basketball forward.



"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.



"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.



"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death
by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.


"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark



"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President



"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.."
--Dan Quayle



"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca



"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.



"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude
certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor



"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President



"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP



"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery


"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March, 1992, because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina



"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack
in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their
heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when
they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

We had a new Lieutenant come in to our comm shop to get setup with a network account. After we briefed him about DoD policies and etc., we gave him the standard password of '12345678' that would need to be changed immediately.

His first question: "12345678, is that in all caps?"

IT guy (with a straight face) "Yes, sir."

Thank goodness my workbench had me facing away from them.

HAHAHAHHAHA! Oh, god... our LT once did that with grid coords on a PLGR.

"If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college."

/I really hope someone has heard what I'm referring to there...

and my actual answer ... I can't believe this hasn't been mentioned yet:

"I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uhmm, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the US should help the U.S., umh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us." --Miss South Carolina from this year's Miss Teen USA pageant.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

Thats not a stupid quote... its completely true.

I'm sure many of us have. Classic bit.
False. This was included in a satire piece, then picked up as a real quote incorrectly.

"You should always go to friends funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours." - who else but Yogi Berra

Sure. haha.

I love Lewis Black.

I Do.

" do as I say dammit, not what I do"

Dear Old Dad.

Oh, that totally bitchslapped me.

Best quote ever.

"Who here is bad at geography"
half of the class puts their hands up
"Really bad"
most of the hands go down
"Who's the worst of the five of you? Come up to the map"
girl walks up to the pull-down map
"OK, point to Europe"
"uhhhhhhhhh ... ummmmmmm ..."
ten seconds later
"oh, there it is"


Then there's a classic, and every time I tell the joke, there are a few people who think the heavy boots answer makes perfect sense. I don't know if it started as a real anecdote or a joke, but people actually are that dumb.

Heavy boots? Wow, that's a good one..

QuasiMondo reminded me of something that happened while I worked at Fry's in the Components department. A new hire came over from the computer department and said he needed help finding a part, and one of his coworkers had told him we'd have it. He tried reading it but was very confused, so he handed me his piece of paper. The part number was "ID 10t". I told him to look on aisle seven.

Should've told him they sold it at the auto parts store next to the 710 caps. Maybe he would have gotten it.

Do You Work Here?

dressed in company uniform in a retail store

Do you work here?

dressed in shorts, a t-shirt, and flip flops in a respectable clothing store

Damnit, if I wanted to impersonate an employee anywhere for fun, I'd dress nicely and put on the Radio Shack "Manager" name tag I stole when I was fired for not working during exam week.

"Yes."

I'm always surprised at the lack of intelligence of the people I work with when it comes to requesting signs. (I work as the graphic artist & sign printer) VERY few people realize that a regular sheet of paper in the US is 8.5"x11". I mean, that's common knowledge, right? But the best sign size question I got was:

"How big is 5"x7"?" Ummmm... yeah. We ARE talking inches here...

There was 8 of us at a TGI Fridays and we were with this guy who was vegetarian. He asked the waiter, "Do you have anything on the menu vegetarian?" To which the waiter replies, "Uhh.... turkey burgers."

"Of course, it's safe!" :orly:

Here's a winner:

(time machine back to Fort Bragg in 2004, lights off, clothes everywhere, bed creaking rhythmically, exwife moaning, door kicked in, dumbass big-headed Private toddles in)

Pvt E: "Heeeyy, Saaarrjunt Crompsin... whatcha doin!?"

Sgt Crompsin: "What the fuck do you think I'm doing?"

After my brother died, someone in her grief support group told a story of being called by his manager a week after his son's death and reamed out for taking 5 days off from work. He said "I mean, really, how long does it take to bury someone?"

>.<

Dono dumb, but insensitive, definitely.

We were at the zoo this summer and while looking at some gazelles in the African area, I overheard a grown woman exclaim ``I didn`t know their were Reindeer in Africa!``.

In Class:

"Why would the proletariat rise up against the bourgeoisie? they're the ones who give them all their money."


Another one from a friend:
"Mohammed took 30 years to do all that? Well Jesus did it in only three!"

She apparently also got mad at an anthropology professor for dismissing creationism because of the fossil record, which was placed there by Satan to test our faith.

I had a co-worker who saw Guiliani on tv (back when he was the mayor) and said wow the president. She also said there was 53 states.

Sadly she is a substitute teacher in NYC.

My mother heard this in a nursing class:

They just finished discussing all the bones found in the human body. A young woman raises her hand to ask a question, and is called upon:

"What about the bone in the penis?"

I love when people, usually athletes during a post-game interview, say, "I take my hat off to them..." when they aren't wearing a hat in the first place. Or better yet, when they are actually wearing a hat, but don't even attempt to actually take it off...

'Whats 10% of £10?' - Cashier asking her manager when i gave her my discount card.

'If it wasn't for america, we'd still be in the caveman times!' - Stupid bitch #2 in my business studies class.

'Milk comes from sheep' - One of my room mates

One of my favourites, we wandered in to a friends house after a drunken night in town, his mum comes down stairs to tell us to shut up and be quiet, at which point friend shouts 'I'M FUCKING TRYING!'. So so funny at the time.

Talking to a girl from New York (who has lived there her whole life).
"Yeah, I'm going to Massachusetts next month."
"Where's Massachusetts?"
"Above Connecticut."
"Oh."

Why would I put something so fag like as a colored condom on my beautiful dick?

http://www.digyourowngrave.com/lette...n-about-prison

http://www.digyourowngrave.com/kelli...r-is-not-smart

Stupidity is a commodity that I must tap into. Watch the videos above and you'll see what I mean.

I work in computers so I hear an incredible amount of stupid stuff. It happens so often everyday that I don't even notice it anymore.

Anyway here's a sample:

Coworker calls tech services about a computer problem. She says her cursor turned into a cross when she opened up MS Excel. We were like uhh what do you mean, a cross? "A white cross!! It turned into a white cross when I opened Excel." The women has been using Excel for 10 years.

Wow...

"Benjamin Franklin invented electricity."
"Benjamin Franklin, didn't he invent rolly chairs?"
"Is the Presidential cabinet named after kitchen cabinets?"

... Heavy boots... blew my mind.

My physics professor once sat in at a university lecture where the speaker made a comment that the centrifugal forces helped gravity keep us on the Earth... If that were true we couldn't ride roller coasters.

This one on the boards also blew my mind: http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=128419
I can't take it some days.

That still happens to me on occasion. LoL Love those DUH moments.

"Can I try these on?" A man asked me, while holding an armload of t-shirts at G.I. Joe's. (I have never worked at G.I. Joe's) I told him that was fine with me, but that he may need to find an employee to let him in to the fitting room.

one of my favorites...

"I see you in here alot. Do you come here often?"

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."
- George W Bush

"There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again."
- George W Bush

The other day I was watching The Soup on the E! channel, and they had a segment on how one of the hens on The View was convinced that Jesus predated the ancient Greeks. "Yeah, but Jesus came first."

Wow.

... /cough/ ... Wow Will... that blows away anything I hear...

God, I can't stop crying...

I'm guessing it's the same one who thinks the world is flat.

WHOOPI GOLDBERG: Is the world flat?

SHERRI SHEPHERD: Is the world flat? (laughter)

GOLDBERG: Yes.

SHEPHERD: …I Don’t know.

GOLDBERG: What do you think?

SHEPHERD: I… I never thought about it, Whoopi. Is the world flat? I never thought about it.

BARBARA WALTERS: You’ve never thought about whether the world was round or flat?

SHEPHERD: I tell you what I’ve thought about. How I’m going to feed my child–

WALTERS: Well you can do both.

SHEPERD: …how I’m going to take care of my family. The world, is the world flat has never entered into, like that has not been an important thing to me.

ELIZABETH HASSELBECK: You’ll teach your son, Jeffery, right?

SHEPHERD: If my son, Jeffery, asks me ‘is the world flat,’ I guess I would go…

JOY BEHAR: You know, didn’t some person already work this question out? I mean, why are we doing this again? (laughter, applause)

I feel stupider for just reading that. I think we have a winner.

The video is even more painful.

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I've never watched the show so I figured it would have been the blond skinny one.

Wow....

Note how uncomfortable the one in between whoopie and the idiot looks.

It's not the stupidest thing I've ever heard (which would almost certainly have come out of my mouth), but the other day I was kidding with my roommate and told him that "when you assume, you make an ass out of you."

He looked me dead in the eye, and replied, "And me!"

I've been around people that have been hurt in serious ways, and you always have someone come up to them and say "ARE YOU ALRIGHT?". That's got to be the dumbest question ever. :)

I tended bar, in between meat-cutting for years. Usually at a neighborhood cocktail bar, with a lot of regulars, such as Cheers. You would not believe some of the utterances out of grown adults mouths. Plus the alcohol only adds to the comedy of it.
A guy from the south was a regular, and his description of various things were a riot at times.
Someone at the bar was showing some neat contraption they had recently purchased, and he said, "Well that's handier than a pocket on a shirt"
which it may be a common saying, but I had never heard it.

Another time we were all trying to remember the name of a person that had not been in for a while. We were describing who we meant, and he said:
"You know, the guy who has a lot of face to wash". we looked puzzled, until we remembered the guy was going bald from the front back.

It seemed as if daily, someone was saying something that gave us all pause to scratch our heads.
A girl at the bar was overheard to say: "How come they never ask for your fathers maiden name"

My sister-in-law was in the car with us one night when we went out to dinner. I think it was a Saturday night and everywhere was packed, however, there happend to be a parking spot right in front, and my sister-in-law says, wow we're lucky!

My wife said..."we called ahead"

Sis in law said... "really?!!"

“See, free nations are peaceful nations. Free nations don’t attack each other. Free nations don’t develop weapons of mass destruction.”

“I don’t know why you’re talking about Sweden. They’re the neutral one. They don’t have an army.”

"I'm the decider and I decide what's best."

Baraka:

This one's a two-parter, from my senior year of high school.

a: Did you know gullible isn't in the dictionary?
b: Really?
a: (pause for realization to set in)

'b' finally gets it, then tries to pull the trick on 'c'

b: Did you know gullible isn't in the dictionary?
c: Of course not, it's French.
b: Really?
c: (pause for realization to set in)

(I was innocent bystander 'd'.)