Cyborg Ninja

My grandmother continues to boggle my mind everyday. I used to think she was intelligent when I was a child. She reads quite a bit, at least. Anyway, I'm amazed at some of the things she says. One thing she said recently made my cousin and I both laugh. She said, "You hear about all the men who fought in WWII and how they were heroes, but you never hear about Hitler! He was the reason we went over there in the first place, you know." *palm to face* My God.

Share your stories.

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Become an organ donor

KellyC

12th grade in US Government class. My teacher was lecturing and mentioned Georgia. A class mate suddenly raise his hands and said "Umm, where's Georgia at?" The whole class laughed at him. The teacher, wanting to save him some face, said "Maybe he meant Georgia the country" but we all know better.

And he was born here...

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Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe?
Me: Shit happens.

Hyacinthe

Ok people have a tendency to say extremely stupid things around me so list time!

1) "No I'm not worried about sun bathing you can only get skin cancer if you live under one of those holes in the ozone layer"

2) "What? where'd your tattoo go? I thought they were permanent" (please note that he was looking at the wrong side of my neck)

3) "What, so wait a second your modem is on FIRE and you didn't think to mention this?" - from when I used to work helpdesk for a wireless ISP and someone rang up unable to connect due to the fact that they had fried a circuit board in their wireless modem.

4) "Ahh the good old days, when the men were men, the women were men and the sheep were scared"

5) "I don't sort my laundry I prepare it for surgery"

6) "What are you talking about I have a very delicate filing system for my belongings - everything goes on the floor"

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"I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiles even when her heart is broken... and the one that could brighten up your day even if she couldnt brighten her own"

"Her emotions were clear waters. You could see the scarring and pockmarks at the bottom of the pool, but it was just a part of her landscape – the consequences of others’ actions in which she claimed no part."

Push-Pull

1) guy from work was asked how many beers short of a six pack he was, his reply was "three". And he meant it.

2) Customer at work asking me to cut an 8' piece of wood into two 6' pieces.
"Don't try to rip me off punk, I know quite well that I don't need to buy 2 eight foot pieces to get what I want."

3) A looooong time ago customer. "Yeah, that xxxxx for $79.95, how much is it?"

4) My wife. "Would you like to fuck me?"

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"No laws, no matter how rigidly enforced, can protect a person from their own stupidity." -Me-

"Some people are like Slinkies..... They are not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs." -Unknown-

DAMMIT! -Jack Bauer-

Plan9

Aaah, deployment brings out the best dumb quotes:

"Hey, Sarge... I think there's something metal buried in the dark over there on the side of the road."

"Hey, Sarge... I can't find my weapon."

"God, why is it so hot over here?"

I keep track of memorable fumbles in my life:

Stuck in front of a razorwire fence: "Robot, get out your shovel."

Me: "Hey, 'Ooops... I did it again,' is a Britney Spears album... not the way to handle bad past relationships!"
Girlfriend: "Thank you very much, have a nice day and go fuck yourself, asshole."

Drunken voicemail I got in '05: "Who's that man? The manly man! He's CROMPSIN! I said who's that man? The ladies man! He's CROMPSIN! Who's the coolest guy on the street, the crazy guy layin' down ghetto beats; if he had a sponge he'd wash your feet! He's CROMPSIN! CROMPSIN! Yeah CROMPSIN!"

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Willravel

A friend of my little brother once made a great argument about how there wasn't gravity under water.

Really? The POTUS really is the king of dumb.
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/blbushisms.htm
http://www.slate.com/id/76886/

"Because he's hiding…"
—Bush, explaining why Osama bin Laden has yet to be captured. (Washington Post interview, Jan. 16, 2005)

Average_Joe

I get a kick out of people who call my house looking for me, if I'm late for something, and ask "Hey, man, where are you?" Uhh...at home?

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I think I'll procrastinate......in a little while.

Ustwo

"You can't get blood from a tuna."

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Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

DaveOrion

I didn't actually hear these but still.......


(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?


Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not
live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.


"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey



"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .



"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett,
University of Kentucky basketball forward.



"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.



"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.



"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death
by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.


"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark



"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President



"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.."
--Dan Quayle



"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca



"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.



"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude
certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor



"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President



"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP



"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery


"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March, 1992, because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina



"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack
in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their
heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when
they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

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Syriana...have you ever tried liquid MDMA?....Liquid MDMA? No....Arash, when you wanna do this?.....After prayer...

QuasiMondo

We had a new Lieutenant come in to our comm shop to get setup with a network account. After we briefed him about DoD policies and etc., we gave him the standard password of '12345678' that would need to be changed immediately.

His first question: "12345678, is that in all caps?"

IT guy (with a straight face) "Yes, sir."

Thank goodness my workbench had me facing away from them.

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Cameron originally envisioned the Terminator as a small, unremarkable man, giving it the ability to blend in more easily. As a result, his first choice for the part was Lance Henriksen. O. J. Simpson was on the shortlist but Cameron did not think that such a nice guy could be a ruthless killer.

-From the Collector's Edition DVD of The Terminator

Plan9

HAHAHAHHAHA! Oh, god... our LT once did that with grid coords on a PLGR.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

yellowmac

"If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college."

/I really hope someone has heard what I'm referring to there...

and my actual answer ... I can't believe this hasn't been mentioned yet:

"I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uhmm, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the US should help the U.S., umh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us." --Miss South Carolina from this year's Miss Teen USA pageant.

Strange Famous

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

Thats not a stupid quote... its completely true.

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"Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate,
for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing
hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain
without being uncovered."

The Gospel of Thomas

Redlemon

I'm sure many of us have. Classic bit.
False. This was included in a satire piece, then picked up as a real quote incorrectly.

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I can't read your signature. Sorry.

DDDDave

"You should always go to friends funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours." - who else but Yogi Berra

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I am just a simple man trying to make my way in the universe...

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined." - Thoreau

"Nothing great was ever accomplished without enthusiasm" - Emerson

Strange Famous

Sure. haha.

I love Lewis Black.

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"Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate,
for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing
hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain
without being uncovered."

The Gospel of Thomas

Bill O'Rights

I Do.

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"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony

"Hedonism with rules isn't hedonism at all, it's the Republican party." - JumpinJesus

It is indisputable that true beauty lies within...but a nice rack sure doesn't hurt.

ring

" do as I say dammit, not what I do"

Dear Old Dad.

Plan9

Oh, that totally bitchslapped me.

Best quote ever.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

fish_oinc

MSD

"Who here is bad at geography"
half of the class puts their hands up
"Really bad"
most of the hands go down
"Who's the worst of the five of you? Come up to the map"
girl walks up to the pull-down map
"OK, point to Europe"
"uhhhhhhhhh ... ummmmmmm ..."
ten seconds later
"oh, there it is"


Then there's a classic, and every time I tell the joke, there are a few people who think the heavy boots answer makes perfect sense. I don't know if it started as a real anecdote or a joke, but people actually are that dumb.

passthru

Heavy boots? Wow, that's a good one..

QuasiMondo reminded me of something that happened while I worked at Fry's in the Components department. A new hire came over from the computer department and said he needed help finding a part, and one of his coworkers had told him we'd have it. He tried reading it but was very confused, so he handed me his piece of paper. The part number was "ID 10t". I told him to look on aisle seven.

MSD

Should've told him they sold it at the auto parts store next to the 710 caps. Maybe he would have gotten it.

tecoyah

Do You Work Here?

dressed in company uniform in a retail store

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Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

MSD

Do you work here?

dressed in shorts, a t-shirt, and flip flops in a respectable clothing store

Damnit, if I wanted to impersonate an employee anywhere for fun, I'd dress nicely and put on the Radio Shack "Manager" name tag I stole when I was fired for not working during exam week.

noodle

"Yes."

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Mister Coaster

I'm always surprised at the lack of intelligence of the people I work with when it comes to requesting signs. (I work as the graphic artist & sign printer) VERY few people realize that a regular sheet of paper in the US is 8.5"x11". I mean, that's common knowledge, right? But the best sign size question I got was:

"How big is 5"x7"?" Ummmm... yeah. We ARE talking inches here...

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If you have any poo... fling it NOW!

optik_nerve

There was 8 of us at a TGI Fridays and we were with this guy who was vegetarian. He asked the waiter, "Do you have anything on the menu vegetarian?" To which the waiter replies, "Uhh.... turkey burgers."

Jack The Lad

"Of course, it's safe!"

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"If I was any more laidback, I'd be horizontal."

Plan9

Here's a winner:

(time machine back to Fort Bragg in 2004, lights off, clothes everywhere, bed creaking rhythmically, exwife moaning, door kicked in, dumbass big-headed Private toddles in)

Pvt E: "Heeeyy, Saaarrjunt Crompsin... whatcha doin!?"

Sgt Crompsin: "What the fuck do you think I'm doing?"

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

lurkette

After my brother died, someone in her grief support group told a story of being called by his manager a week after his son's death and reamed out for taking 5 days off from work. He said "I mean, really, how long does it take to bury someone?"

>.<

Dono dumb, but insensitive, definitely.

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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

fresnelly

We were at the zoo this summer and while looking at some gazelles in the African area, I overheard a grown woman exclaim ``I didn`t know their were Reindeer in Africa!``.

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Building an artificial intelligence that appreciates Mozart is easy. Building an A.I. that appreciates a theme restaurant is the real challenge - Kit Roebuck - Nine Planets Without Intelligent Life

MSD

In Class:

"Why would the proletariat rise up against the bourgeoisie? they're the ones who give them all their money."


Another one from a friend:
"Mohammed took 30 years to do all that? Well Jesus did it in only three!"

She apparently also got mad at an anthropology professor for dismissing creationism because of the fossil record, which was placed there by Satan to test our faith.

Xazy

I had a co-worker who saw Guiliani on tv (back when he was the mayor) and said wow the president. She also said there was 53 states.

Sadly she is a substitute teacher in NYC.

Baraka_Guru

My mother heard this in a nursing class:

They just finished discussing all the bones found in the human body. A young woman raises her hand to ask a question, and is called upon:

"What about the bone in the penis?"

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Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

bobw

I love when people, usually athletes during a post-game interview, say, "I take my hat off to them..." when they aren't wearing a hat in the first place. Or better yet, when they are actually wearing a hat, but don't even attempt to actually take it off...

stevie667

'Whats 10% of £10?' - Cashier asking her manager when i gave her my discount card.

'If it wasn't for america, we'd still be in the caveman times!' - Stupid bitch #2 in my business studies class.

'Milk comes from sheep' - One of my room mates

One of my favourites, we wandered in to a friends house after a drunken night in town, his mum comes down stairs to tell us to shut up and be quiet, at which point friend shouts 'I'M FUCKING TRYING!'. So so funny at the time.

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Office hours have changed. Please call during office hours for more information.

Zodijackyl

Talking to a girl from New York (who has lived there her whole life).
"Yeah, I'm going to Massachusetts next month."
"Where's Massachusetts?"
"Above Connecticut."
"Oh."

CoolestPerson

Why would I put something so fag like as a colored condom on my beautiful dick?

Merlocke

http://www.digyourowngrave.com/lette...n-about-prison

http://www.digyourowngrave.com/kelli...r-is-not-smart

Stupidity is a commodity that I must tap into. Watch the videos above and you'll see what I mean.

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-=[ Merlocke ]=-