Parenting

[Seeker5509]

I would appreciate some input as a parent from the wise folk on this site...

I have recently remarried - and am very happy. I have 2 boys from my previous marriage (ages - 23 & 17) who tell me that they are happy with my decision, etc. My youngest is finishing school this year and will have a special ceremony (valedictory) in a couple of months time to celebrate this...

I have been advised by my ex that he does not want my new wife to attend, because he will feel embarrassed. I'd like her to share my proud moment, but don't want my son to be cringing inside either.... do I just stay away?

[warrrreagl]

I say you go and take your new wife with you. It will be uncomfortable for some, but I assume you've already encountered that a little bit before anyway. Talk to your son and tell him that you're not bringing her to upset anyone or cause embarrassment to anyone - tell him that you're doing it for YOU.

[abaya]

As someone who's been in your son's shoes, I understand how he might feel awkward. I'd say it might be helpful to sit down with him and communicate how you're feeling... what you said in this post. Tell him the situation, and ask him how he would feel about you bringing your new wife. If he doesn't like it, or hems and haws about it, ask him what makes him uncomfortable. Listen to his concerns. At the end of the conversation, ask if there's a way that you could compromise, perhaps.

For example, maybe he feels weird about having pictures with you and her... in that case, maybe she could stand back when you go down to greet the graduates, and maintain her distance while the picture-taking and congratulating are going on, and then come forward when all that hullabaloo has ended. Not that she should be "standing in the shadows," but I think it's normal for a new step-parent to give you and your son a little space, while still supporting you as your companion.

That way, your son might feel more assured knowing that she's not going to jump into the pictures with you and him, or put him on the spot to acknowledge her as a new "mother"... which is probably the root of a lot of the pressure he's feeling (if he's anything like me, which I have no idea about).

All in all: talk to the boy!

[Dilbert1234567]

ask your son(s) if they want your new spouse to attend. don't worry about your old spouse, it's your sons day to celebrate, ask him how he wants too.

[Cynthetiq]

you know I didn't get much say in the matter as far as my grandfather and his new girl was concerned. It wasn't my say but really my father's stating that she wasn't allowed to attend. I didn't care either way but wanted my grandfather to be there. My grandmother and grandmother seperated before I was born and I had never seen them together until I graduated from HS.

But from what I found out she ended up sitting in the car the whole time like about 3 hours or so. I have felt even worse about that incident winding up that way.

[abaya]

Originally Posted by Cynthetiq

But from what I found out she ended up sitting in the car the whole time like about 3 hours or so. I have felt even worse about that incident winding up that way.

Jeez, that sucks. Keeping a respectful distance doesn't mean sitting in a car and being an outcast for 3 hours!

[Cynthetiq]

Originally Posted by abaya

Jeez, that sucks. Keeping a respectful distance doesn't mean sitting in a car and being an outcast for 3 hours!

yeah actually it happened often, actually every time that grandpa visited because she wasn't allowed in the house by my father. (his issues)

but I didn't know until then that she had always just sat in the car and waited patiently. says tomes about her character. she's a very nice lady that is always respectful and nice to me whenever I see or speak to her.

[albania]

Originally Posted by Seeker5509

I have been advised by my ex that he does not want my new wife to attend, because he will feel embarrassed.

I'm slightly confused, as you've written it the pronoun "he" seems to refer to your ex which would imply you're a lesbian. Which would give this thread an entirely different meaning.

[abaya]

Originally Posted by albania

I'm slightly confused, as you've written it the pronoun "he" seems to refer to your ex which would imply you're a lesbian. Which would give this thread an entirely different meaning.

I think the "he" is referring to his son... that seeker's ex (wife) is advising seeker than their son doesn't want the new wife to attend. Clarify the pronouns and all that.

[albania]

I figured as much; it's never the truly interesting situation.

[Lady Sage]

Remember, your ex is your ex for a reason. Perhaps the embarasment comes from knowing they were wrong to begin with. Ask your son, if he is alright with it, take your new mate. Forget about your ex.

[Seeker5509]

Originally Posted by abaya

I think the "he" is referring to his son... that seeker's ex (wife) is advising seeker than their son doesn't want the new wife to attend. Clarify the pronouns and all that.

Ah – thanks Abaya for clarifying this point. When I scanned the line after posting, I thought it may cause a little confusion. So just for the record… I am definitely attracted (sexually) to women - so Albania, if that’s the definition, then yeah – I must confess to being lesbian.

Jokes aside - to all who contributed to this discussion – thanks for all the words of wisdom. I have, of course, spoken to my son about the situation, but will take the advice offered and try to smooth things over with him.

[ShaniFaye]

Never take the ex's word....it could be HER that doesnt want your new wife there. When Dave and I were dating/engaged, I remember my ex never understood the "point" of Dave attending all of Amanda's "stuff" and would try to tell me that Amanda didnt really want him there.....I made sure to talk to Amanda, who was thrilled Dave would come to things, because her own daddy pretty much didnt most of the time.

[Midnight]

What the ex wants doesn't matter. As long as your SON is fine with it - your new spouse has every right to take part in his life as you, he and SHE sees fit.

Intolerance blows. Hopefully your young man is happy with your choice of spouse and how happy you are now with her. His stepmother has every right to be a part of this big day, especially if she has been a part of your lives for a long time.

Grats to your son, and all the best to you hun.

[Plan9]

I can't remember where I said this, but here it is again:

I'm drafting up new legislation that states we, as a fair-minded society, should have a law that says that if you get divorced... all of your children under 16 will be immediately electrocuted and/or thrown into government-maintained spike pits located next to high schools, shopping malls, and skate parks.

A bitter sarcastic joke, yes, but I suppose the point is this:

How do people survive divorces with children? I don't know how they do it.

Talk about weight.

[abaya]

Originally Posted by Crompsin

How do people survive divorces with children? I don't know how they do it.

Well, it's not a question of how the adults survive. It's a question of how the *children* survive, and if they are functional or dysfunctional as a result. That, I think, is the most important thing to consider when divorcing with children. I think it's horrible when people refuse to divorce simply "because of the children." However, I think it's just as horrible when people refuse to consider the needs of their children when they are divorcing. The children's needs are not more important than the parents', but the childrens' needs ought to be considered, very strongly, when dealing with the aftershocks. That's the only way to try and prepare them for adulthood and for more successful relationships of their own. I wish my parents had put me in counseling when they split up.