Weed and relationships : no good! - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

katyg · 07-17-2007, 02:38 AM

Does anyone here have a past of smoking cannabis a lot?

Me and my partner just broke up, the final straw being that after 9 years of smoking he couldn't quit.

It made him moody, agressive, poor company really, but underneath that problem you can still see this person I loved.

It's so sad. I can't wait for him, even though he's stopped now, he can't make me any promises.

When I smoked a lot it made me lazy and depressed but I quit easily because it only sucked me in for 2 years.

I am so sad at how things are, and angry that weed messed so many things up, from sex to going out and him being paranoid. He'll always think we were wrong together because his perception of things was so off the mark most of the time.

Plan9 · 07-19-2007, 10:46 AM

Drugs are bad, m'kay.

healer · 07-19-2007, 11:22 AM

Any kind of activity or substance that affects someone in a relationship in such a way that it negatively affects the relationship as a whole, is bad. Things like drug and alcohol abuse (or any kind of abuse really) would be a deal-breaker for me.

If you're drunk/stoned, you're not adding value to my life.

MexicanOnABike · 07-19-2007, 01:20 PM

any more than once a week is over kill. But i couldn't be with someone who did it more than a few times a year. it's such a waste of money .

pig · 07-19-2007, 01:55 PM

don't hate! it's not the drugs that are bad, it's the way a given person relates to them that is bad.

that said, its no fun to be around someone else who can't handle their junk.

always hate to hear about a breakup. tough times, them break ups.

n0nsensical · 07-19-2007, 03:49 PM

Most of the stoners I know aren't moody or aggressive, they just tend to have lifestyles that are entirely centered on the obtaining and smoking of more weed, and if you're not a stoner yourself it can be hard for them to fit you in. Hey, I'm not going to pass judgment, I'm no social saint myself and I fully believe you should do what makes you happy if you're not hurting others. If that's smoking pot, toke on! In this case, your guy has to choose between you and weed if he can't keep his behavior to your idea of a respectable level. If he chooses weed, don't feel so bad about it because he's obviously not your type (non-stoner) anyway.

Quote:

Originally Posted by pig

don't hate! it's not the drugs that are bad, it's the way a given person relates to them that is bad.

Come on now, hate on drugs is what we DO around here!

pig · 07-19-2007, 04:10 PM

ha! yes, it does seem to be a recurring them...and then fly comes in and there you go.

i agree with your statements above. i didn't like being around the people i knew who smoked herb when i was younger, because they all did stereotypical toker crap, and it always seemed such a waste of time to me. but i think on a certain level, they used the drugs to rationalize laziness. you don't have to sit on the couch watching assed out tv because you're high. i mean, in much more time it's going to turn into a bill hicks quote-off here, but there have been a few people who used drugs and did some pretty amazing things.

from what i've heard, people can still have highly functional relationships while being regular users of marajuana. the cases where this doesn't happen, i would posit, are a statement about the role of drugs in our society as much as anything else.

telekinetic · 07-19-2007, 04:28 PM

I keep trying to tell my friends: Too much green will keep you out of the pink.

SecretMethod70 · 07-19-2007, 04:38 PM

Both Carl Sagan and his wife, Ann Druyan, were/are actively involved with NORML (National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws).

That said, no one likes to hang around someone who needs to use drugs (legal or illegal) as a crutch.

noodle · 07-19-2007, 04:46 PM

Our relationship goes through cycles.
When it is available, it is smoked and enjoyed.
We get along well, laugh more, are sometimes more affectionate and other times more content to just be.
When it's not available, we're not devastated.
Still laugh, still enjoy each other and still find ways to be affectionate, sexual and imaginative. I'll admit that pot enhances some of the stress-relief that we seek and it certainly brings a different and spectacular mood to our sex life. But neither of us gets "lazy". We both tend to talk more and express ourselves. I consider us "smokers" not "stoners". Though, I'll admit that the ceiling fan can be a fascinating object to observe sometimes.

From my experience, if there is an inherent tendency towards laziness or procrastination... pot is going to multiply it times a billion unless there are active steps taken to kick themselves in the ass. But, I also am friends with some highly intelligent people who smoke regularly and have healthy relationships. I think that sometimes it depends on the person's personality when sober.

krwlz · 07-19-2007, 05:07 PM

I'm a smoker, and I gotta say... She'd have to be pretty damn special to give it up for her.

Now before you all beat on me, let me rephrase. If it really bothered any SO of mine, and she told me in that frame, I would probably give it up. I like smoking, but hell, it's not that hard to quit, Ive done it numerous times.

If it's framed as an ultimatum... See ya honey, I don't do ultimatums, regardless of the terms.

And as a smoker who just graduated from 4 year engineering college, and am now embarking on getting my 1-yr MBA, I don't believe smoking leads to a "lazy personality". Sure, I like to sit around and toke a joint, and fuck off once in a while, but if it killed all my motivation, I wouldnt be where I am.

snowy · 07-19-2007, 05:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pig

from what i've heard, people can still have highly functional relationships while being regular users of marajuana. the cases where this doesn't happen, i would posit, are a statement about the role of drugs in our society as much as anything else.

I think my relationship with my SO has actually improved since I started smoking. It has become "our time"...we just hang out, smoke, chill, and talk when we do smoke. And it's nice.

Everyone reacts differently to marijuana, like everyone reacts differently to alcohol or a host of other things. I wish people wouldn't rush to judgment about people who choose to smoke it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kwrlz

And as a smoker who just graduated from 4 year engineering college, and am now embarking on getting my 1-yr MBA, I don't believe smoking leads to a "lazy personality". Sure, I like to sit around and toke a joint, and fuck off once in a while, but if it killed all my motivation, I wouldnt be where I am.

I'm doing fine in school, and I smoke on a more or less daily basis (when I have it). If anything, it makes me less lazy, 'cause I want to get all my shit done so I can enjoy my chill time.

krwlz · 07-19-2007, 05:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by onesnowyowl

I'm doing fine in school, and I smoke on a more or less daily basis (when I have it). If anything, it makes me less lazy, 'cause I want to get all my shit done so I can enjoy my chill time.

Ya know, I totally agree. I often relegate myself to not smoking at all until the work's done (unless its something particularly boring and mindless, and then smoke during) and it seems to be working out for me. Then again, I know stoners who have dropped out... While the pot wasn't why they did it (lazy and unmotivated needs to be blamed on the person, not the pot) but in some special cases, yea, they could have done without it.

Kadath · 07-19-2007, 06:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by krwlz

I like smoking, but hell, it's not that hard to quit, Ive done it numerous times.

Sorry to nitpick, but no, you haven't. Quitting is when it's over. I've quit once. I tried to quit a couple times. If I smoke again, my quit total will go back to zero, and my number of tries will go up by one.

If a drug is interfering with the relationship and the person is unwilling to stop for the sake of the relationship, then the relationship cannot be successful. The idea of picking a chemical over a person is pretty sad in my eyes, but everyone makes his own choices. Some people deal better with weed than I did. But all the people I know who smoke regularly are pretty unmotivated and aren't making what I consider to be appropriate forward progress in their lives.

krwlz · 07-19-2007, 07:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kadath

Sorry to nitpick, but no, you haven't. Quitting is when it's over. I've quit once. I tried to quit a couple times. If I smoke again, my quit total will go back to zero, and my number of tries will go up by one.

I disagree. I didn't try to quit. I quit. There was a job riding on it, and I didn't smoke for 3 months. Weed aint addictive man. You just choose to smoke it or not. I got back to school, and decided I wanted to start again.

As a cigarette smoker, I know what trying to quit is. Trying and failing is when you want to quit, but somehow keep ending up with the pack in your pocket. I don't just end up with a bag of weed, I make a conscious choice to go buy some. If I don't want to smoke weed, I don't smoke weed. No cravings, no squirming cuz I want that joint. I just don't do it.

quit: to discontinue: put an end to a state or an activity

This says nothing about forever. Now I apologize for the thread jack, and promise not continue it.

surferlove007 · 07-19-2007, 07:51 PM

My first relationship involved a stoner, he was really lazy.
He had more potential than a lot of people, but he hung out with the wrong crowd and just had bad influences and made poor decisions.
Let me make a note, I have never smoked weed nor do I intend to. I absolutely despise it because of this man.
Anyway, the entire relationship whenever we would go hang out with his friends, he'd ask my permission to smoke even though he knew I hated it. Or he'd go to a friends house and ask me to pick him up because he was high.
Just really got old. I don't do drugs. I hate drugs with a passion because of this man.
Anyways, weed was a big issue in our relationship. He would promise he would stop, and then a month later ask to do it just once...right whatever.
I would never date a stoner again. I learned my lesson there.

Other people may differ, but that's their call.
Weed caused major problems with us, not to mention he totally couldn't afford it. I paid for so damn much in that relationship, and he spent any spare money on weed.
So theres my two cents.
Unless you have the spare money and a partner that enjoys it as well, usually weed does not mix well in a relationship.

pig · 07-20-2007, 01:56 AM

i hear you gg; my point is that i don't really think that's the herb. that's the way this guy related to it. i mean, if you can't afford something, you don't go buy it. whatever it is. if you're dating someone and she doesn't like to be around you when you're high, well maybe you talk about it - but i personally wouldn't smoke around her. if that was a deal breaker in the relationship for me (smoke at all costs) then i'd have a call to make. herb or the girl. that might seem like an easy call - but of course that depends on the girl and the relationship, etc.

i guess i've just seen a lot of people push off unresolved personality issues onto various drugs, when at the core i think it says a lot more about the person involved than it does the drug. it's not that i think the drugs have no affect, but rather that it's not just that 'marajuana came along and now my perfect baby got ruined.'

kurty[B] · 07-20-2007, 06:40 AM

From my experience with pot. When one person smokes it and the other has never tried it, that relationship will never work. When one person smokes constantly and the other occassionally it may work because the other might understand the mary jane usage. It may not work, because the one is smoking "too much". When both in the relationship toke about the same amount (either daily, or on occassion) I have seen those relationships work out fairly well.

jth · 07-20-2007, 06:44 AM

It has just as much to do with the Drug in many cases as it does the personality of that who takes it.

As we see, it effects different people in different ways. Some get lathargic and lack ambition and motivation, some people gives them help to focus, some people just want to laugh and watch funny movies. However, the mental addiction to the high is there, it's not a physical one no but you get attached to how you feel when you're high and so it effects your relationships with everyone around you.

I've known a lot of smokers, trust me. I've been a musician for a long time and the stuff is so available and so common that I think that at least %80 of the people that I know right now smoke weed on a fairly regular basis (once a week I say is regular) and a smaller percentage of that are very regular up to daily smokers. Some people I know have the ability to handle it and continue to function and others... not a chance. And their relationships suffer.

I feel for the OP, but without a doubt you did the right thing. Since I myself only partake when I am in a certain mood and with certain people I never smoke weed on my own or just for the hell of it, but then you end up in a situation walking into someone's apartment and he/she is by themselves with a bong on their lap, to me that's sad

pig · 07-20-2007, 06:57 AM

i think i know where you're coming from jth. let me ask you this, as it's something i've thought about before.

let's say that a girl is dissatisfied because her man is playing World of Warcraft or GrandTheft all the time. it's interfering with the relationship, he doesn't just do it with his friends on sunday afternoon, but has to log in as soon as he gets home, sneaks on the server sometimes at lunch, so on and so forth. does that say anything about the game, or does it say something about the person?

i've been in much the same situations that you have, i think. i think that all these stimuli release similar chemicals in our brains, some directly, some indirectly, some are more difficult to control than others. i used to be part of that crowd, but i got fed up with it. i realized all the things i was doing had become nothing more than rituals, which wouldn't have been so bad if i liked the people i was around more. it seemed to me that 90% of the people that were part of that subculture, at least the ones that i knew, had gravitated towards it because of the subculture stigma. you could be a lazy fuck, then say some trite shit about not conforming and doing what you were supposed to, and then watch tv all day. maybe i'm just jaded. but i can't bring myself to put it on the chemical, at least not with something like marajuana. i mean, it certainly has specific effects on the mind - but i don't see that much to differentiate it from a lot of things we seem to culturally tolerate or defend.

regardless, i wish you the best katy. it's always tough to leave someone you still care about when you see they're not heading in a direction you're comfortable with. but sometimes you've got to make that choice. period.

Toaster126 · 07-20-2007, 07:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by katyg

Does anyone here have a past of smoking cannabis a lot?

Me and my partner just broke up, the final straw being that after 9 years of smoking he couldn't quit.

It made him moody, agressive, poor company really, but underneath that problem you can still see this person I loved.

It's so sad. I can't wait for him, even though he's stopped now, he can't make me any promises.

When I smoked a lot it made me lazy and depressed but I quit easily because it only sucked me in for 2 years.

I am so sad at how things are, and angry that weed messed so many things up, from sex to going out and him being paranoid. He'll always think we were wrong together because his perception of things was so off the mark most of the time.

Sounds like it has nothing to do with the pot and everything to do with his maturity. I know lots of people who smoke who are jobless and have no goals. I also know some really accomplished people who smoke everyday. It's the person, not the pot. Pot, like alcohol, doesn't create. It just exaggerates.

Plan9 · 07-21-2007, 03:39 PM

(puts on his "MacGruff The Crime Dog" outfit)

Y'all can do whatever you want. But keep it off my lawn.

...

I guess the point here is that any vice can become addictive and ruin a relationship by destroying communication and the needs-wants aspect. I'd argue that consumables like alcohol and drugs are quicker to ruin relationships than non-consumables such as TeeVee, porn, and need to rearrange the sock drawer every Wednesday.

What do I know? I don't do drugs. When I wanna get high I jump out of planes.

mixedmedia · 07-21-2007, 04:41 PM

I think a lot of the overall "pot is bad" reactions that people have come from the fact that the people who exhibit negative traits maybe (or maybe not) as a result of pot smoking are all the same kind of "visible" pot smokers. Not realizing that there are many people who smoke who keep it private and/or simply don't exhibit these negative behaviors. I smoked for years, just quit two years ago, and 1) was a fully functional citizen (and parent) who was not lazy or unmotivated and 2) only a select few people knew that I was a smoker. There are many, many people who are smokers and don't fit that negative "Jeff Spicoli" stoner stereotype.

I just had this same conversation with someone last weekend...

glooper23 · 07-21-2007, 05:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mixedmedia

I think a lot of the overall "pot is bad" reactions that people have come from the fact that the people who exhibit negative traits maybe (or maybe not) as a result of pot smoking are all the same kind of "visible" pot smokers. Not realizing that there are many people who smoke who keep it private and/or simply don't exhibit these negative behaviors. I smoked for years, just quit two years ago, and 1) was a fully functional citizen (and parent) who was not lazy or unmotivated and 2) only a select few people knew that I was a smoker. There are many, many people who are smokers and don't fit that negative "Jeff Spicoli" stoner stereotype.

I just had this same conversation with someone last weekend...

DARE, the government, media, and the idiot pot heads make smoking pot look bad. The funny thing is, the only one with a good reason why you should not smoke is the idiot pot heads.

hoops85pu · 07-23-2007, 12:29 PM

First of all, sorry I only read the first post on this topic because it pisses me off just reading it. I have never had anything against people that smoke pot, I'm cool with them as long as they don't get me in trouble. Second of all, yes pot is the reason me and my girlfriend broke up. She started up again, and her personality totally changed and I couldn't deal with that. But like you were saying, you could see the person you loved underneath it all, which pissed me off. My sister did the same thing, it fucked her up at 17, she had a kid at 18 and now she is on welfare. So yes I hate pot, it has destroyed two people I love. Think what you want, but that is my .02 and now I will be angry all day just thinking about this.

Adri · 07-23-2007, 01:47 PM

^^ Don't blame the pot, blame your friend and sister for being dumbasses. Like mixedmedia said, the problem is not with the drug, it's with the users.

There are many, many "normal" people who smoke pot every day and have for years, and you would never know they'd ever been high. Then there are the folks who smoke it twice and decide now would be a good time to move on to heroin and gangbanging. You just never know...

But just like the idiots who don't know when to stop chowing down the McDonald's cheeseburgers before they gain 300 lbs and have heart attacks, you can't blame pot for "ruining" your friends. Your friends ruined themselves by abusing it.

snowy · 07-24-2007, 10:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Adri

^^ Don't blame the pot, blame your friend and sister for being dumbasses. Like mixedmedia said, the problem is not with the drug, it's with the users.

There are many, many "normal" people who smoke pot every day and have for years, and you would never know they'd ever been high. Then there are the folks who smoke it twice and decide now would be a good time to move on to heroin and gangbanging. You just never know...

But just like the idiots who don't know when to stop chowing down the McDonald's cheeseburgers before they gain 300 lbs and have heart attacks, you can't blame pot for "ruining" your friends. Your friends ruined themselves by abusing it.

Absolutely. Take the generation that lived through the 60s and the 70s...if you ask around, eventually you'll find someone of that age that smoked every day at some point and yet managed to become a successful adult. I know parents of friends who still smoke on a regular basis and have done just fine in their lives.

Some people are going to become addicts, and in those cases, marijuana acts as a gateway. But you cannot paint all users of marijuana with the same brush--it just doesn't work. It's like alcohol--has a potential for abuse, and combined with people who have addictive personalities, it's likely to be abused. Yet there are thousands of people out there who are moderate to light drinkers, and we don't throw them in the same bucket as the alcoholics--it wouldn't be fair. To assume everyone who smokes marijuana is going to behave the same way regarding addiction pretty much disregards the huge role the personality of the individual plays in the situation, as well as their socio-economic status (something I've found to be a key factor in addiction).

surferlove007 · 07-24-2007, 10:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hoops85pu

First of all, sorry I only read the first post on this topic because it pisses me off just reading it. I have never had anything against people that smoke pot, I'm cool with them as long as they don't get me in trouble. Second of all, yes pot is the reason me and my girlfriend broke up. She started up again, and her personality totally changed and I couldn't deal with that. But like you were saying, you could see the person you loved underneath it all, which pissed me off. My sister did the same thing, it fucked her up at 17, she had a kid at 18 and now she is on welfare. So yes I hate pot, it has destroyed two people I love. Think what you want, but that is my .02 and now I will be angry all day just thinking about this.

I have the same anger for it as you.
Pot will forever be tainted in my mind. I won't allow it in my life.
Pot = dealbreaker for me.

Anyone else who likes it, great good for you.
I commend those who can use it and be successful as many of you I deem are.
I wish my first experiences with it would not have been so negative.
I do smoke Hookah though, only on occasion.

gh0ti · 07-24-2007, 03:52 PM

You know what? I smoke pot just about every night. I don't like to drink, I don't go out and party like a rock star, I smoke a bowl when I get home from work and relax. I'm motivated, I got a great job, and excel in my field. I'm a very happy individual.

I’ve met many Marijuana smokers in my days, the ones with a perceived problem had other issues which caused the trouble to begin with. Being high allowed them to escape and function as a normal person. People are so quick to blame, they don't realize that a much bigger issue is at the root of everything.

You don't think your constant nagging for him to quit something he likes doing might have made him moody and aggressive towards you? Accept him for who he is and what he likes to do. Changing a person will only cause more trouble down the road. He will resent you for it.

The war on drugs has torn this country apart, brainwashed our citizens, and needlessly imprisoned otherwise outstanding individuals. Drugs are not the problem, ignorance is.

kurty[B] · 07-25-2007, 07:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gh0ti

You don't think your constant nagging for him to quit something he likes doing might have made him moody and aggressive towards you? Accept him for who he is and what he likes to do. Changing a person will only cause more trouble down the road. He will resent you for it.

If pot isn't her thing, then she needs to get out of that relationship rather than trying to change a person. If she is not comfortable with it, being honest with herself and him is the way to go. If he is unwilling to change then there are two ways to go about it. End the relationship as soon as possible and move on, or let the problems grow and grow until the relationship is forced to an end. If there is no willingness to compromise from either person in the relationship on things that are huge things for people then there is no need for the relationship to continue (they will just be miserable).

It's a tight rope, and people should not force themselves to live with something that makes them uncomfortable.

katyg · 07-25-2007, 08:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gh0ti

You know what? I smoke pot just about every night. I don't like to drink, I don't go out and party like a rock star, I smoke a bowl when I get home from work and relax. I'm motivated, I got a great job, and excel in my field. I'm a very happy individual.

I’ve met many Marijuana smokers in my days, the ones with a perceived problem had other issues which caused the trouble to begin with. Being high allowed them to escape and function as a normal person. People are so quick to blame, they don't realize that a much bigger issue is at the root of everything.

You don't think your constant nagging for him to quit something he likes doing might have made him moody and aggressive towards you? Accept him for who he is and what he likes to do. Changing a person will only cause more trouble down the road. He will resent you for it.

The war on drugs has torn this country apart, brainwashed our citizens, and needlessly imprisoned otherwise outstanding individuals. Drugs are not the problem, ignorance is.

My whole point is the smoking made him not function as a normal person like you do.

I find yourpost quite insenstitive, I enjoy the occassional smoke but I think getting high 4 times a day and getting depressed isn't healthy and I don't think I 'nagged' as you so indelicately put it.

Zar · 07-25-2007, 12:10 PM

Pot can indeed be used in a responsible manner so that it doesn't interfere with the person's life. However, those who fit into that category are by far in the minority in my experience.

I agree to some extent with those who say "It's the person, not the drug," but not completely. It's really the combination of the person and the drug that determines whether they can continue to be successful or not. Some people can handle it and still fulfill their daily responsibilities. Many cannot and do not. You may say, well that's their problem, but I've seen a number of close friends completely alter their outlook on life once they started smoking regularly. A number of them dropped out of college. One guy may or may not graduate after 6 years in college. I firmly believe that this would not have happened to them had marijuana never entered their lives.

And sure, I know a couple guys who smoke regularly who are highly successful too. Like a guy who maintained a 4.0 throughout undergrad and is about to graduate from a prestigious grad school. The combination of his personality and pot didn't end up ruining his life.

As for myself, I was a heavy smoker for about a year. It did not add positively to my life. I used pot to mask deeper feelings of guilt, to hide from responsibility. As long as I had my pot, I didn't give two shits about how badly I was screwing up elsewhere in my life. Circumstances forced me to quit, I hit rockbottom, and I'm now finally getting back to a place where I can feel some pride in myself.

In short, I'd advise that one is very careful with their use of cannabis.

Jinn · 07-25-2007, 01:01 PM

Quote:

Pot will forever be tainted in my mind. I won't allow it in my life.

The illegality and stigma seems to be clouding the issue a bit.

Compared (as an analogy) to alcohol, the situation is much clearer.

There are alcoholics and there are people who drink one glass of wine a day for the perceived heart benefits.

There are people who are hopelessly addicted, and use it to self-medicate their dissatisfaction with life. You always see them drunk, and they’re hurting people they love by getting drunk so often and so recklessly.

There are people who drink recreationally and you’d probably never know they drank if it weren’t for a few bottles in the trash can.

It has absolutely nothing to do with the alcohol itself, and everything to do with the maturity, responsibility, intelligence, and self-control of the individual consuming it.

Replace alcohol with marijuana and the analogy does not fail.

I'm sorry that you will never be with someone who smokes marijuana, but it's similar to those I know who won't be with someone who drinks. I think it's a bit extreme to blame the substance and decide with such black-and-white polarity to exclude mates because of it, but it's nonetheless a personal choice.

I can't help but think that you still judge recreational non-habitual smokers. Maybe I'm wrong. I think perhaps your perspective would change after smoking only once. You'd recognize that despite the temporary perceptual and cognitive changes, you are still the same person inside before, during, and after.

EDIT:

Quote:

You may say, well that's their problem, but I've seen a number of close friends completely alter their outlook on life once they started smoking regularly. A number of them dropped out of college. One guy may or may not graduate after 6 years in college. I firmly believe that this would not have happened to them had marijuana never entered their lives.

You seem to be under the impression that this "change" in their personality was brought on by the drug, rather than pre-existing mental conditions being brought to the fore by their use of the drugs.

If it wasn't marijuana, it's very likely that another drug (or another sitation) would've unveiled their latent tendency to behave so poorly.

EDIT x2:

I don't smoke, by the way. Don't really like the taste/smell or the mental effects (in case my use is a factor the perception of my credibility).

gh0ti · 07-25-2007, 06:57 PM

I was not trying to be insensitive at all, although after re-reading my post I might have been able to say things a bit differently. I am very passionate about this issue. I was simply trying to put the other side of the coin in perspective.

Have you really tried to understand what was wrong with him? It usually runs much deeper then the pot.

jorgelito · 07-25-2007, 09:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JinnKai

The illegality and stigma seems to be clouding the issue a bit.

Compared (as an analogy) to alcohol, the situation is much clearer.

There are alcoholics and there are people who drink one glass of wine a day for the perceived heart benefits.

There are people who are hopelessly addicted, and use it to self-medicate their dissatisfaction with life. You always see them drunk, and they’re hurting people they love by getting drunk so often and so recklessly.

There are people who drink recreationally and you’d probably never know they drank if it weren’t for a few bottles in the trash can.

It has absolutely nothing to do with the alcohol itself, and everything to do with the maturity, responsibility, intelligence, and self-control of the individual consuming it.

Replace alcohol with marijuana and the analogy does not fail.

I'm sorry that you will never be with someone who smokes marijuana, but it's similar to those I know who won't be with someone who drinks. I think it's a bit extreme to blame the substance and decide with such black-and-white polarity to exclude mates because of it, but it's nonetheless a personal choice.

I can't help but think that you still judge recreational non-habitual smokers. Maybe I'm wrong. I think perhaps your perspective would change after smoking only once. You'd recognize that despite the temporary perceptual and cognitive changes, you are still the same person inside before, during, and after.

EDIT:

You seem to be under the impression that this "change" in their personality was brought on by the drug, rather than pre-existing mental conditions being brought to the fore by their use of the drugs.

If it wasn't marijuana, it's very likely that another drug (or another sitation) would've unveiled their latent tendency to behave so poorly.

EDIT x2:

I don't smoke, by the way. Don't really like the taste/smell or the mental effects (in case my use is a factor the perception of my credibility).

Nice post post Jinn, well said and thought out. I agree for the most part but diverge a little with you in that I don't feel that drugs or alcohol are completely off the hook. I definitely believe that drugs and alcohol play a role in people's behavior.

Plan9 · 07-26-2007, 10:24 AM

(wonders if people who are all pro-drugs are also pro-gun, pro-abortion, pro-homosexual marriage, etc)

Freedom is a funny concept. Limitations make it even more funny.

katyg · 07-26-2007, 10:27 AM

Ghoti - I am well aware that there is much more going on than the pot but as he has refused counselling and won't discuss much other than give me a little insight into his upbringing (which sounded very unstable) there is little I can do.

I truly believe I've tried my best and after two years of trying I can't go on without losing my sanity.

I understand your point I just thought you put it a little harshly. I don't think i was nagging partner, I was very sensitive and supportive. Some people just don't want help that's all.

Adri · 07-26-2007, 10:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crompsin

(wonders if people who are all pro-drugs are also pro-gun, pro-abortion, pro-homosexual marriage, etc)

Freedom is a funny concept. Limitations make it even more funny.

For the record, I don't think anyone is actually pro-abortion... pro-choice, maybe.

And yes, I am pro-legalization (of pot only - nothing else that's currently illegal), pro-2nd amendment (not necessarily pro gun, but don't take the right away from me, please), pro-choice, and I support homosexual marriage.

xepherys · 07-26-2007, 10:58 PM

A lot of interesting points...

Frankly, I believe addiction is a mental thing more than most people are willing to say. I drink and come from a vast line of alcoholics. But I do not drink often, and I do not need to drink, ever. I ENJOY drinking now and then, with friends or at the club or over dinner. I smoke (cigars and hookah) and enjoy it. I probably light up the hookah once or twice a week. Smoke cigars with a slightly less frequency. I enjoy them now and then. I do not need them (obviously, I'm without alcohol or much tobacco here in the 'stan), despite coming from a large family of addicted smokers, the older of which seem to invariably die of lung cancer. So, addiction is in my family, and probably in my genes. Why am I safe? My only addiction is NOT being addicted. Addiction, to me, is a weakness. If you cannot live without some substance, than your life has gone awry. Hell, I was playing World of Warcraft too much and decided to stop. Just not worth it.

so, the moral of my story is this. If you want to smoke weed, sweet. Good for you! If you want to smoke weed and don't care about your SO and s/he leaves you, sweet... you didn't care. If you care about something, and it requires you to stop something else, you have to decide what's more important to you. If you can objectively make that decision, than you are on the right path for you. If you cannot, then there are issues that you really need to look into.

Also, quitting doesn't mean forever. It means quitting. If you CHOOSE to take something back up, it doesn't forego the previous quitting. It's that way with anything else. Why do people assume vices are so vastly different?

high_jinx · 08-01-2007, 09:46 AM

I'm amazed at all the snap judgements in here. Everybody out there has something they do to unwind at the end of a long day. some of these things are more healthy than others. some are chemical, and some are just time spent. i'd put watching tv, excersizing, drinking, meditating, and toking all in the same therapeutic basket.

if we rated just how bad for you each thing was, i'd have to say toking comes in way down the list from things like drinking or cigarettes or watching tv.

compare it to drinking.... you just don't hear about someone toking on a joint and beating up their wife or wrapping their car around a tree.

to tv... even if you're the laziest of tokers and just sit on the couch and listen to music, at least your activating your imagination. it's been shown that your brainwaves are more active sleeping than watching tv.

i just think that people should take responsibility on who they are and if they're going through some tough times to not let that splash off on people around them. chemicals might magnify traits in ourselves, but its up to us to be consistent in our relationships and keep our attentiveness and support levels where we set the bar from the get go. i think it's just as unfair to expect someone to quit something if they started that way with you as it is for them to lose control of their lives to the point where you're missing out or mistreated, and a balance should be struck accordingly without using absolutes.

07-17-2007, 02:38 AM	#1 (permalink)
katyg Tilted	Weed and relationships : no good! Does anyone here have a past of smoking cannabis a lot? Me and my partner just broke up, the final straw being that after 9 years of smoking he couldn't quit. It made him moody, agressive, poor company really, but underneath that problem you can still see this person I loved. It's so sad. I can't wait for him, even though he's stopped now, he can't make me any promises. When I smoked a lot it made me lazy and depressed but I quit easily because it only sucked me in for 2 years. I am so sad at how things are, and angry that weed messed so many things up, from sex to going out and him being paranoid. He'll always think we were wrong together because his perception of things was so off the mark most of the time.

07-19-2007, 10:46 AM	#2 (permalink)
Plan9 I Confess a Shiver	Drugs are bad, m'kay. __________________ *Whatever you can carry.* "You should not drink... and bake."

07-19-2007, 01:20 PM	#4 (permalink)
MexicanOnABike Location: up north	any more than once a week is over kill. But i couldn't be with someone who did it more than a few times a year. it's such a waste of money . __________________ - Movie Reviews - Ratings-

07-19-2007, 01:55 PM	#5 (permalink)
pig pigglet pigglet Location: Locash	don't hate! it's not the drugs that are bad, it's the way a given person relates to them that is bad. that said, its no fun to be around someone else who can't handle their junk. always hate to hear about a breakup. tough times, them break ups. __________________ You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

07-19-2007, 04:10 PM	#7 (permalink)
pig pigglet pigglet Location: Locash	ha! yes, it does seem to be a recurring them...and then fly comes in and there you go. i agree with your statements above. i didn't like being around the people i knew who smoked herb when i was younger, because they all did stereotypical toker crap, and it always seemed such a waste of time to me. but i think on a certain level, they used the drugs to rationalize laziness. you don't have to sit on the couch watching assed out tv because you're high. i mean, in much more time it's going to turn into a bill hicks quote-off here, but there have been a few people who used drugs and did some pretty amazing things. from what i've heard, people can still have highly functional relationships while being regular users of marajuana. the cases where this doesn't happen, i would posit, are a statement about the role of drugs in our society as much as anything else. __________________ You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

07-19-2007, 04:28 PM	#8 (permalink)
telekinetic zomgomgomgomgomgomg Location: Fauxenix, Azerona	I keep trying to tell my friends: Too much green will keep you out of the pink. __________________ twisted no more

07-19-2007, 04:38 PM	#9 (permalink)
SecretMethod70 Human Administrator Location: Chicago	Both Carl Sagan and his wife, Ann Druyan, were/are actively involved with NORML (National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws). That said, no one likes to hang around someone who needs to use drugs (legal or illegal) as a crutch. __________________ Le temps détruit tout "Musicians are the carriers and communicators of spirit in the most immediate sense." - Kurt Elling

07-19-2007, 05:07 PM	#11 (permalink)
krwlz Fledgling Dead Head Location: Clarkson U.	I'm a smoker, and I gotta say... She'd have to be pretty damn special to give it up for her. Now before you all beat on me, let me rephrase. If it really bothered any SO of mine, and she told me in that frame, I would probably give it up. I like smoking, but hell, it's not that hard to quit, Ive done it numerous times. If it's framed as an ultimatum... See ya honey, I don't do ultimatums, regardless of the terms. And as a smoker who just graduated from 4 year engineering college, and am now embarking on getting my 1-yr MBA, I don't believe smoking leads to a "lazy personality". Sure, I like to sit around and toke a joint, and fuck off once in a while, but if it killed all my motivation, I wouldnt be where I am. Last edited by krwlz; 07-19-2007 at 05:12 PM..

07-19-2007, 07:51 PM	#16 (permalink)
surferlove007 Junkie	My first relationship involved a stoner, he was really lazy. He had more potential than a lot of people, but he hung out with the wrong crowd and just had bad influences and made poor decisions. Let me make a note, I have never smoked weed nor do I intend to. I absolutely despise it because of this man. Anyway, the entire relationship whenever we would go hang out with his friends, he'd ask my permission to smoke even though he knew I hated it. Or he'd go to a friends house and ask me to pick him up because he was high. Just really got old. I don't do drugs. I hate drugs with a passion because of this man. Anyways, weed was a big issue in our relationship. He would promise he would stop, and then a month later ask to do it just once...right whatever. I would never date a stoner again. I learned my lesson there. Other people may differ, but that's their call. Weed caused major problems with us, not to mention he totally couldn't afford it. I paid for so damn much in that relationship, and he spent any spare money on weed. So theres my two cents. Unless you have the spare money and a partner that enjoys it as well, usually weed does not mix well in a relationship.

07-20-2007, 01:56 AM	#17 (permalink)
pig pigglet pigglet Location: Locash	i hear you gg; my point is that i don't really think that's the herb. that's the way this guy related to it. i mean, if you can't afford something, you don't go buy it. whatever it is. if you're dating someone and she doesn't like to be around you when you're high, well maybe you talk about it - but i personally wouldn't smoke around her. if that was a deal breaker in the relationship for me (smoke at all costs) then i'd have a call to make. herb or the girl. that might seem like an easy call - but of course that depends on the girl and the relationship, etc. i guess i've just seen a lot of people push off unresolved personality issues onto various drugs, when at the core i think it says a lot more about the person involved than it does the drug. it's not that i think the drugs have no affect, but rather that it's not just that 'marajuana came along and now my perfect baby got ruined.' __________________ You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

07-20-2007, 06:40 AM	#18 (permalink)
kurty[B] Sauce Puppet	From my experience with pot. When one person smokes it and the other has never tried it, that relationship will never work. When one person smokes constantly and the other occassionally it may work because the other might understand the mary jane usage. It may not work, because the one is smoking "too much". When both in the relationship toke about the same amount (either daily, or on occassion) I have seen those relationships work out fairly well.

07-20-2007, 06:44 AM	#19 (permalink)
jth Insane Location: HRM	It has just as much to do with the Drug in many cases as it does the personality of that who takes it. As we see, it effects different people in different ways. Some get lathargic and lack ambition and motivation, some people gives them help to focus, some people just want to laugh and watch funny movies. However, the mental addiction to the high is there, it's not a physical one no but you get attached to how you feel when you're high and so it effects your relationships with everyone around you. I've known a lot of smokers, trust me. I've been a musician for a long time and the stuff is so available and so common that I think that at least %80 of the people that I know right now smoke weed on a fairly regular basis (once a week I say is regular) and a smaller percentage of that are very regular up to daily smokers. Some people I know have the ability to handle it and continue to function and others... not a chance. And their relationships suffer. I feel for the OP, but without a doubt you did the right thing. Since I myself only partake when I am in a certain mood and with certain people I never smoke weed on my own or just for the hell of it, but then you end up in a situation walking into someone's apartment and he/she is by themselves with a bong on their lap, to me that's sad __________________ "A real leader faces the music, even if he doesn't like the tune." - unknown quote

07-20-2007, 06:57 AM	#20 (permalink)
pig pigglet pigglet Location: Locash	i think i know where you're coming from jth. let me ask you this, as it's something i've thought about before. let's say that a girl is dissatisfied because her man is playing World of Warcraft or GrandTheft all the time. it's interfering with the relationship, he doesn't just do it with his friends on sunday afternoon, but has to log in as soon as he gets home, sneaks on the server sometimes at lunch, so on and so forth. does that say anything about the game, or does it say something about the person? i've been in much the same situations that you have, i think. i think that all these stimuli release similar chemicals in our brains, some directly, some indirectly, some are more difficult to control than others. i used to be part of that crowd, but i got fed up with it. i realized all the things i was doing had become nothing more than rituals, which wouldn't have been so bad if i liked the people i was around more. it seemed to me that 90% of the people that were part of that subculture, at least the ones that i knew, had gravitated towards it because of the subculture stigma. you could be a lazy fuck, then say some trite shit about not conforming and doing what you were supposed to, and then watch tv all day. maybe i'm just jaded. but i can't bring myself to put it on the chemical, at least not with something like marajuana. i mean, it certainly has specific effects on the mind - but i don't see that much to differentiate it from a lot of things we seem to culturally tolerate or defend. regardless, i wish you the best katy. it's always tough to leave someone you still care about when you see they're not heading in a direction you're comfortable with. but sometimes you've got to make that choice. period. __________________ You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

07-21-2007, 03:39 PM	#22 (permalink)
Plan9 I Confess a Shiver	(puts on his "MacGruff The Crime Dog" outfit) Y'all can do whatever you want. But keep it off my lawn. ... I guess the point here is that any vice can become addictive and ruin a relationship by destroying communication and the needs-wants aspect. I'd argue that consumables like alcohol and drugs are quicker to ruin relationships than non-consumables such as TeeVee, porn, and need to rearrange the sock drawer every Wednesday. What do I know? I don't do drugs. When I wanna get high I jump out of planes. __________________ *Whatever you can carry.* "You should not drink... and bake."

07-21-2007, 04:41 PM	#23 (permalink)
mixedmedia has all her shots. Location: Florida	I think a lot of the overall "pot is bad" reactions that people have come from the fact that the people who exhibit negative traits maybe (or maybe not) as a result of pot smoking are all the same kind of "visible" pot smokers. Not realizing that there are many people who smoke who keep it private and/or simply don't exhibit these negative behaviors. I smoked for years, just quit two years ago, and 1) was a fully functional citizen (and parent) who was not lazy or unmotivated and 2) only a select few people knew that I was a smoker. There are many, many people who are smokers and don't fit that negative "Jeff Spicoli" stoner stereotype. I just had this same conversation with someone last weekend... __________________ Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

07-23-2007, 12:29 PM	#25 (permalink)
hoops85pu Upright	First of all, sorry I only read the first post on this topic because it pisses me off just reading it. I have never had anything against people that smoke pot, I'm cool with them as long as they don't get me in trouble. Second of all, yes pot is the reason me and my girlfriend broke up. She started up again, and her personality totally changed and I couldn't deal with that. But like you were saying, you could see the person you loved underneath it all, which pissed me off. My sister did the same thing, it fucked her up at 17, she had a kid at 18 and now she is on welfare. So yes I hate pot, it has destroyed two people I love. Think what you want, but that is my .02 and now I will be angry all day just thinking about this.

07-23-2007, 01:47 PM	#26 (permalink)
Adri Tilted Location: Orange County (the annoying one)	^^ Don't blame the pot, blame your friend and sister for being dumbasses. Like mixedmedia said, the problem is not with the drug, it's with the users. There are many, many "normal" people who smoke pot every day and have for years, and you would never know they'd ever been high. Then there are the folks who smoke it twice and decide now would be a good time to move on to heroin and gangbanging. You just never know... But just like the idiots who don't know when to stop chowing down the McDonald's cheeseburgers before they gain 300 lbs and have heart attacks, you can't blame pot for "ruining" your friends. Your friends ruined themselves by abusing it.

07-24-2007, 03:52 PM	#29 (permalink)
gh0ti Crazy	You know what? I smoke pot just about every night. I don't like to drink, I don't go out and party like a rock star, I smoke a bowl when I get home from work and relax. I'm motivated, I got a great job, and excel in my field. I'm a very happy individual. I’ve met many Marijuana smokers in my days, the ones with a perceived problem had other issues which caused the trouble to begin with. Being high allowed them to escape and function as a normal person. People are so quick to blame, they don't realize that a much bigger issue is at the root of everything. You don't think your constant nagging for him to quit something he likes doing might have made him moody and aggressive towards you? Accept him for who he is and what he likes to do. Changing a person will only cause more trouble down the road. He will resent you for it. The war on drugs has torn this country apart, brainwashed our citizens, and needlessly imprisoned otherwise outstanding individuals. Drugs are not the problem, ignorance is. __________________ I ain't often right but I've never been wrong It seldom turns out the way it does in the song Once in a while you get shown the light In the strangest of places if you look at it right Last edited by gh0ti; 07-24-2007 at 03:54 PM..

07-25-2007, 12:10 PM	#32 (permalink)
Zar Tilted Location: St. Louis	Pot can indeed be used in a responsible manner so that it doesn't interfere with the person's life. However, those who fit into that category are by far in the minority in my experience. I agree to some extent with those who say "It's the person, not the drug," but not completely. It's really the combination of the person and the drug that determines whether they can continue to be successful or not. Some people can handle it and still fulfill their daily responsibilities. Many cannot and do not. You may say, well that's their problem, but I've seen a number of close friends completely alter their outlook on life once they started smoking regularly. A number of them dropped out of college. One guy may or may not graduate after 6 years in college. I firmly believe that this would not have happened to them had marijuana never entered their lives. And sure, I know a couple guys who smoke regularly who are highly successful too. Like a guy who maintained a 4.0 throughout undergrad and is about to graduate from a prestigious grad school. The combination of his personality and pot didn't end up ruining his life. As for myself, I was a heavy smoker for about a year. It did not add positively to my life. I used pot to mask deeper feelings of guilt, to hide from responsibility. As long as I had my pot, I didn't give two shits about how badly I was screwing up elsewhere in my life. Circumstances forced me to quit, I hit rockbottom, and I'm now finally getting back to a place where I can feel some pride in myself. In short, I'd advise that one is very careful with their use of cannabis.

07-25-2007, 06:57 PM	#34 (permalink)
gh0ti Crazy	I was not trying to be insensitive at all, although after re-reading my post I might have been able to say things a bit differently. I am very passionate about this issue. I was simply trying to put the other side of the coin in perspective. Have you really tried to understand what was wrong with him? It usually runs much deeper then the pot. __________________ I ain't often right but I've never been wrong It seldom turns out the way it does in the song Once in a while you get shown the light In the strangest of places if you look at it right

07-26-2007, 10:24 AM	#36 (permalink)
Plan9 I Confess a Shiver	(wonders if people who are all pro-drugs are also pro-gun, pro-abortion, pro-homosexual marriage, etc) Freedom is a funny concept. Limitations make it even more funny. __________________ *Whatever you can carry.* "You should not drink... and bake."

07-26-2007, 10:27 AM	#37 (permalink)
katyg Tilted	Ghoti - I am well aware that there is much more going on than the pot but as he has refused counselling and won't discuss much other than give me a little insight into his upbringing (which sounded very unstable) there is little I can do. I truly believe I've tried my best and after two years of trying I can't go on without losing my sanity. I understand your point I just thought you put it a little harshly. I don't think i was nagging partner, I was very sensitive and supportive. Some people just don't want help that's all.

07-26-2007, 10:58 PM	#39 (permalink)
xepherys <3 TFP Location: 17TLH2445607250	A lot of interesting points... Frankly, I believe addiction is a mental thing more than most people are willing to say. I drink and come from a vast line of alcoholics. But I do not drink often, and I do not need to drink, ever. I ENJOY drinking now and then, with friends or at the club or over dinner. I smoke (cigars and hookah) and enjoy it. I probably light up the hookah once or twice a week. Smoke cigars with a slightly less frequency. I enjoy them now and then. I do not need them (obviously, I'm without alcohol or much tobacco here in the 'stan), despite coming from a large family of addicted smokers, the older of which seem to invariably die of lung cancer. So, addiction is in my family, and probably in my genes. Why am I safe? My only addiction is NOT being addicted. Addiction, to me, is a weakness. If you cannot live without some substance, than your life has gone awry. Hell, I was playing World of Warcraft too much and decided to stop. Just not worth it. so, the moral of my story is this. If you want to smoke weed, sweet. Good for you! If you want to smoke weed and don't care about your SO and s/he leaves you, sweet... you didn't care. If you care about something, and it requires you to stop something else, you have to decide what's more important to you. If you can objectively make that decision, than you are on the right path for you. If you cannot, then there are issues that you really need to look into. Also, quitting doesn't mean forever. It means quitting. If you CHOOSE to take something back up, it doesn't forego the previous quitting. It's that way with anything else. Why do people assume vices are so vastly different? __________________ The prospect of achieving a peace agreement with the extremist group of MILF is almost impossible... -- Emmanuel Pinol, Governor of Cotobato My Homepage

08-01-2007, 09:46 AM	#40 (permalink)
high_jinx Psycho Location: venice beach, ca	I'm amazed at all the snap judgements in here. Everybody out there has something they do to unwind at the end of a long day. some of these things are more healthy than others. some are chemical, and some are just time spent. i'd put watching tv, excersizing, drinking, meditating, and toking all in the same therapeutic basket. if we rated just how bad for you each thing was, i'd have to say toking comes in way down the list from things like drinking or cigarettes or watching tv. compare it to drinking.... you just don't hear about someone toking on a joint and beating up their wife or wrapping their car around a tree. to tv... even if you're the laziest of tokers and just sit on the couch and listen to music, at least your activating your imagination. it's been shown that your brainwaves are more active sleeping than watching tv. i just think that people should take responsibility on who they are and if they're going through some tough times to not let that splash off on people around them. chemicals might magnify traits in ourselves, but its up to us to be consistent in our relationships and keep our attentiveness and support levels where we set the bar from the get go. i think it's just as unfair to expect someone to quit something if they started that way with you as it is for them to lose control of their lives to the point where you're missing out or mistreated, and a balance should be struck accordingly without using absolutes. __________________ -my phobia drowned while i was gettin down.