Troubles in Paradise?
 

Im not sure if this belongs here, if it doesn't mods feel free to move it, and sorry for not putting it where it belongs.
To start with, I know that in a marriage things happen and problems arise. I am aware of this. No matter what one does, there will always be problems. So having said that, lemme dive right into my predicament. My Finacee' (sp) and are getting married June 2nd, and right now we are both EXTREMELY read EXTREMELY stressed. We are both still in school, although she is the smarter of the two of us, and is finishing up her masters. We are moving stuff into an apartment now, and trying to figure out how we are going to pay for things. All of this I tell you to give some background to my problem.
Tonight she calls me and says that she is tired of getting yelled at by her mom. I asked her what the problem was and she says that she (her mom) is yelling at her about me. Now where I come from if you have a problem w/ someone you do one of two things. You either tell them to thier face, or keep your fat mouth shut. This is not the first time she (mother in law) has done this either.
The things that she was talking about are things that if we both sat down and discussed im sure that we could work out a solution for. I will tell ya a couple of the problems and give my side of the story. First, I am in the proceess of trying to find a job. Now around here, in a college town there aren't that many jobs to begin w/. Her family has lived in this community for countless years. ( Both her mom and dad went to the same college that we both attend) So she says that they know how the "system" works. That may be, I don't really know. I do know that when I go to try and get a job, I pick up an application and fill it out, then when I return it to the store, I make srue that I look presentable, and polite. However after waiting 3-4 days, and not hearing anything they think that I never went and picked up an app. I then call the place and get the same excuses... " We have already filled the position/ we will call you back after we recieve some more apps all the usual things. So needless to say the job hunt is going nowhere fast. Secondly, Sally , my finacee' has this dog. It was her first pet ever, and she got it when she was 23 so she worships the ground he walks on. Well my M-I-L (Mother in law) says to her tonight, that if I don't start treating the dog better she won't let us take him w/ us when we get a place that allows pets. Now I have no clue what she is talking about here. I love the dog, as much as a human can love a dog. I get down in the floor and play with him, he follows me around the house. He waits for me to get home, he sits in my lap and we even take naps together. So I have no clue what she is talking about.
I realize this is a novel, so I will just go ahead and ask my question. Should I talk to my M-I-L, or should I let it go? I feel like I should say something since they are talking to my Fiancee' about me behind my back. Also should I tell my Finacee' that she should stand up for me when they do it? Im interested to hear what yall have to say. Thanks for the help.

First, congratulations on getting married. If the problem seems as if it will persist, then you need to talk to your MIL. It could just be her nerves, too, though. I know that when I was getting ready to get married, my parents were seemingly more stressed than I. And I was stressed. When and if you do approach her, do so in the spirit of kindness and such. And don't forget rule #1 from the getting married handbook:
1) Don't ever be confrontational with your mother-in-law
and don't forget #2 either:
2) Willravel is never wrong

I like rule #2.

Does your fiancee have any explaination as to why your MIL thinks you abuse the dog? I'd ask her first, and if there isn't a good reason, then I'd politely talk to the MIL about it. Tell her that you are concerned that she thinks that you would do anything to hurt the dog (and thus your fiancee) and that you want to be sure that there isn't any misunderstanding that could hurt your fiancee or her family.

As far as the jobs, yeah, that's how it is now. I applied to several jobs in my area, and didn't get a lot (well, any) of call backs. It's funny how they want you to be on time, responsible, etc, but they think nothing of blowing off an applicant. I finally landed a good job at a box store by taking the bull by the horns and showing up in person at the employment agency that was handling their account. This was after submitting an application and hearing nothing back.

Lastly, for some possible insight.....my mom has always been amused how when my father started dating her, that my grandpa would walk out the back door when dad was coming in the front. Even after they married, grandpa was evasive. It took a couple years for him to finally accept that his daughter was married. Now they are practically best friends.

1. Like will said, your mother-in-law is probably stressed, too. If you think you can talk to her up front without it becoming confrontational then you should probably try to talk with her and set her at ease. If not, then let it wait until after the wedding. After all, you are marrying her daughter - not her. I do think you should have a long heart-to-heart with your fiancee about it though and be sure you are both in position to present a united front.

2. Never wait 3-4 days to hear a call back on an open job position. You should be on the phone the very next day to introduce yourself and follow-up. Especially if the competition for jobs is fierce.

Good luck with everything. But, I'm sure once you're settled into the marriage your mother-in-law will settle down, too.

Just as an aside here.... Yeah, they're not going to call unless they're interested. I work in HR at a small hospital - and we get dozens of resumes and applications every single day. If I called every person that applied, I wouldn't have time to do anything else. We only call those that are a decent match for open positions. And if you aren't, you get filed until later openings which you *might* be a match for.

Also... you can call the next day, but that's really only appropriate if you're applying for an advertised opening. If you're doing an app "for anything available", there's no way they already looked at your resume the very next day. 3 days is a good standard, really. And don't be annoying. Calling once a week after that? Okay. Every other day? Not okay.

/end threadjack

As far as your MIL is concerned... talk to her now. You don't want misunderstandings and random resentments festering when you're going to marry her daughter. No, you're not marrying her, but believe me, you're going to have to deal with her. More than likely, the dog thing is either your fiancee complaining you don't take equal care of it, or your MIL looking for something wrong with you b/c she's stressed/nervous/etc about the wedding. Even the most sane of parents go batshit crazy during this stuff. So ask your fiancee flat out about the dog, and then talk to your MIL. Facing such things head on diffuses the situation - she'll have a harder time being resentful of you marrying her daughter (because you know she is... they all are if they're acting like this) if you act like the adult here.

I guess the biggest issue that I have isnt so much the things they said about me, its more of the fact that she said them behind my back. If she really thought that I was some kind of evil dog-slaying person, why didn't she say something to me about it, instead of going behind my back.
Also, how should I approach talking to her. She doesn't know that I know what was said. Its almost like I have the element of suprise on her. I know thats a bad way to look at it, but I lack another metaphor.

She could be suffering from "No one will ever be good enough for my little girl" disease. Thankfully, my parents never did that... I am cute and good with a gun.

She could also just be suffering "empty Nest" syndrome. Its a stressful time for moms.

I guess my mom was just glad to see me get married at 30, and luckily I adore my MIL and she adores me right back!

Best of luck.

I'm always of the opinion that you shouldn't have to confront your soon to be mother in law, that your finance should be the liason between the two. I think she should be able to understand that this hurts you and try to get things worked out with her mum. I think that anything you did, like trying to have a talk with the MIL would only cause future problems. I am not in any position to offer advice on the situation I suppose, I'm single and have never been engaged. I just know that if my mum was talking shit about my boyfriend/fiance/husband, I would want to be the one to work things out. I've heard so many horror stories of in law problems, and I hope that things work out for you. I think the MIL may just be jealous that she's losing her daughter in some way too. If she still lives with her parents, maybe she is having trouble dealing with her daughter moving out. I really don't know though, some people are just bitchy. I say you need to have a heart to heart with your fiance about everything. Keep us posted.