how do i help? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

former newt · 04-30-2007, 10:34 AM

my girlfriend's grandmother is going in for moderately serious surgery (gall bladder problems) in about a week. she is very attached to her grandmother and doesn't think that she is going to handle the surgery well (she's pretty old and pretty sick too) she also has to deal with waiting for a test score that could determine whether the next 5 years go the way she wants. she has a lot of pressure on her right now.

now my problem is i have no clue how to be of any help. i try to encourage her, tell her to have some faith that things will work out, but she just keeps saying i don't understand, i don't get it. now i'm not in her situation, and it's not happening to me, but i can empathize, and i try to be of some use in terms of being an anchor. unfortunately, i slip up constantly and do something that upsets her. for example, she texted me while i was in class telling me that she found out when the surgery was going to be. i called her back after class, but didn't bring up her grandmother. after about 5 minutes, she asked if i had gotten the text, and i said yes. to her, my not bringing up her grandmother made her think i don't care. that's not the case at all, the problem is when she's upset i sort of stop thinking clearly about how to handle her. i thought it would have been good to keep her mind off of her grandmother, but obviously that's impossible for anyone in her situation. i just lost my judgement, and now she's pretty damn upset at me. how do i apologize, and what can i say to help her in any way?

Supple Cow · 04-30-2007, 11:32 AM

You can't distract her from it if she doesn't even think you're listening. How is she supposed to know what you were trying to do or if you even read that text? You could have said something about it first thing just to get it out of the way and see how she feels about it and then go ahead and try to divert her attention or just talk about whatever came naturally. Seems like you are trying too hard to do something for her instead of actually empathizing with her about the potential loss of her grandmother.

Nobody can really do anything about it except the doctors, so I would think you should just stop thinking about you and what you're supposed to be doing for her and just be there for her when she needs to do her thing. Ignoring it and talking about it all the time are two extremes... follow her lead and let her talk about it when she wants to talk about it. It's really only when she starts getting stuck in a feedback loop of negative thoughts that you should try to divert her attention because that is her actively making it worse. Otherwise, she should have the liberty of thinking and talking about it now and then, particularly when she is reacting to news.

As for the apology, you could just briefly explain that you were so concerned for her that you didn't really know what to do and you picked the wrong thing. She should understand that.

04-30-2007, 10:34 AM	#1 (permalink)
former newt Crazy	how do i help? my girlfriend's grandmother is going in for moderately serious surgery (gall bladder problems) in about a week. she is very attached to her grandmother and doesn't think that she is going to handle the surgery well (she's pretty old and pretty sick too) she also has to deal with waiting for a test score that could determine whether the next 5 years go the way she wants. she has a lot of pressure on her right now. now my problem is i have no clue how to be of any help. i try to encourage her, tell her to have some faith that things will work out, but she just keeps saying i don't understand, i don't get it. now i'm not in her situation, and it's not happening to me, but i can empathize, and i try to be of some use in terms of being an anchor. unfortunately, i slip up constantly and do something that upsets her. for example, she texted me while i was in class telling me that she found out when the surgery was going to be. i called her back after class, but didn't bring up her grandmother. after about 5 minutes, she asked if i had gotten the text, and i said yes. to her, my not bringing up her grandmother made her think i don't care. that's not the case at all, the problem is when she's upset i sort of stop thinking clearly about how to handle her. i thought it would have been good to keep her mind off of her grandmother, but obviously that's impossible for anyone in her situation. i just lost my judgement, and now she's pretty damn upset at me. how do i apologize, and what can i say to help her in any way?

04-30-2007, 11:32 AM	#2 (permalink)
Supple Cow Americow, the Beautiful Location: Washington, D.C.	You can't distract her from it if she doesn't even think you're listening. How is she supposed to know what you were trying to do or if you even read that text? You could have said something about it first thing just to get it out of the way and see how she feels about it and then go ahead and try to divert her attention or just talk about whatever came naturally. Seems like you are trying too hard to do something for her instead of actually empathizing with her about the potential loss of her grandmother. Nobody can really do anything about it except the doctors, so I would think you should just stop thinking about you and what you're supposed to be doing for her and just be there for her when she needs to do her thing. Ignoring it and talking about it all the time are two extremes... follow her lead and let her talk about it when she wants to talk about it. It's really only when she starts getting stuck in a feedback loop of negative thoughts that you should try to divert her attention because that is her actively making it worse. Otherwise, she should have the liberty of thinking and talking about it now and then, particularly when she is reacting to news. As for the apology, you could just briefly explain that you were so concerned for her that you didn't really know what to do and you picked the wrong thing. She should understand that.