move out of 'home' or not?
 

So an opportunity has presented itself, one that I passed up about 5 months ago(and haven't really regretted). My best friend of about 11 years, and his wife and 1 yr baby bought a house. I got first dibs on renting the basement(they are working on finishing it completely and adding a bathroom). At the time, I passed it up and they got another couple to rent it out. Now, those roomates are moving out on short notice and the opportunity just kind of fell into my lap. Here's my major delemna, I still live with my dad- who is a divorced guy in his early 50's with no girlfriend. He was married to my mom for almost 20 years, and has never really lived alone. I'm worried that I'm his only real companion, and that he sort of relies on me to keep him sane. I'm scared that if I move out, he's going to ultimately just let himself, his living conditions and his life go to hell. At the same time that I'm worried about him, I have my own life to live. I'm 21, financially sound and want to get out on my own. About my friends family. He's 23, she's 22 with a 1 year old girl and 3 cats. They are constantly financially strapped, but both have stable, well paying jobs at the same place I work. She is very trustworthy(and like a sister), and since he's my best friend -I- can trust him with anything. I don't really wanna get involved in their current financial mess, but I know in the end they can work that out on their own.

Here's some pros to moving out: Its 20 minutes closer to work, its right in town instead of out in the boonies. Closer to the girl I'm currently dating, and alot closer to other females when I undoubtedly fuck this relationship up. Not to mention that a 21 year old with roomates is alot more attractive than one living with is pa(correct me if i'm wrong ladies, please)

Cons to moving: Current house is on a private lake thats very quiet, I'd miss that. Afformentioned dad issues. $300 in rent I'm not paying right now(offset some by what I help in bills here anyhow). Having to move. Would end up being defaulted to party and probably drink way more than I like(read: not more than once in a blue moon).

Please advise me people. I really have no idea what to do. And please include the reasons why you would choose to do which.

The only thing I can advise you on is to be carefull when moving in with a family, who are also your friends. If the dynamics aren't just right, things could go bad quickly. If either party of the friend/family unit is not secure in their relationship, people could get hurt. I'm not just talking sexualy either. If the couple has a fight, and either party comes to you for advice, then the other person may feel that you are siding and "ganging" up on them. And since you mentioned that they have money problems, I forsee lot's of fights.

I am telling you this from my personal experience. Hopefully, if this is what you choose to do, things will not play out like this, but I wanted to give you a heads up. I moved in with my married friends and their daughter once, then later when they needed help they moved in with me, but each time it just got a little weird and strained the friendship.


About your dad, just talk to him. You shouldn't feel like you have to stay. I'm sure he will be ok without you. It would might actually be good for him, to learn to be on his own and make new friends. And you won't be that far away if he needs you.

Good luck!

Well, I'm not going to advise you on whether you should move or not, but I would caution you to not use your father as an excuse to stay. I don't think he would want you stagnating if you really wanted to move. But even if he does, you are going to move out sometime before he is gone, right? Then you are going to deal with this sooner or later.

I'll second that stuff about the Dad. Unless you know something we don't (which obviously you could) it doesn't sound like it should be a problem. Just be sure to call and visit him often, at least at first. You could always move back in with him later if it looks like he's having a problem.

The rest of the stuff I have no idea about how it would be in moving in with a friend's family. Sorry I can't help there.

I think it's great to get out and stand on your own feet.

Your father should adapt - probably better than you think. You can always visit him on a regular basis. That may encourage him to get out on his own a little more. Trust me on this one - early 50s is too young to rely on your son for your mental health! He needs companionship that fits hwere he is in life and you need to live your own life with no regrets. That's also a big change for you!

Good luck with your final decision.

I'm with cookmo.
Moving out will open things up for you ... but I'd advise against moving in with a friend - especially when he's got a family. I just hear too often about how that damages friendships. With a landlord your relationship is clear - but if he/she is your friend it just lends to a conflict of interest.

Just one example. You're late on the rent because your short on cash (e.g. lost job, poor budgeting, bought your fiancee a ring etc.). Your buddy is "cool" about it but his wife, who needs to pay for groceries, isn't ... well, you get the picture.

Not to be a wise guy, but is it all possible your beloved dad is thinking to himself that it's really time his financially secure 21 year old son flew the nest and let him enjoy his middle years?

C'mon man, it's time. Either move in with your friends or go find your own place. Personally I would find it very difficult to live with someone else's one year old but that's entirely your call.

My motto? NEVER mix friends or family with business deals.

Anyone that age with a family of their own could be understandably financially strapped. Just how financially strapped and what your exact duties as housemate will entail is another deal entirely. Are you expected to contribute to more than half of their rent for an inferior room? What is the average cost for a rented room in that part of town? Are they offering you a good deal, or just looking for some quick cash? Will they want you to cook? Is there any chance that they will ever ask you to babysitt?

Do you have separate access to the house? How content will they be if you decide to bring your gf over to the place? How about if you want to throw a party?
What's running through my mind...

Why did the former renters leave at short notice?
Is there something else going on here?

It seems like there would be a hundred better places to live than some friend's basement with a 1-year-old 1 floor up. Have you ever lived with a 1-year-old? It CAN be HELL.

Is there a rental contract? If so, get a copy and read it. If not ask them to draw up one. Doing business with friends, if not handled VERY carefully, could screw things up badly.

I would see if you can get a month to month contract deal, or something somewhat shortterm. I would talk to Dad and see how he feels about this. If after a few months of him living on his own, if he's constantly asking you to come home, or you find that he's not caring for himself as is healthy, then you can always move back home.

If they are still adding a bathroom in the basement apartment then where will you be going to the bathroom in the meantime?
As another person said, Will you have a separate entrance?
What are their work schedules? i.e. Will they be up much later than you and making noise till late at night, or visa versa?
Is the floor between you and them insulated, sheetrocked, or just floor joists and flooring?

Don't underestimate Dad's independance. The day may come too soon that he will need you much more. Get out on your own while you can.

My instincts say that moving to your friends basement would not be your best choice either. That sounds like too volitile of a situation. Friends, business, kids, and money - very risky combination.

There is some GREAT advice above. Cookmo and genuinegirly nailed it.

I'll just reinforce: Have a written contract. Living with friends can be rough. Can you deal with a one-year-old?

Dad is very likely to be fine. As someone else said, be sure to call and visit frequently. The main worry will be whether or not you will still be friends with your landlords when all is said and done.

I guess I'm the only one who thinks you shouldn't move out. At the age of twenty one you've got plenty of years ahead of you where you'll be able to experience being out on your own - I can understand and respect your reasoning behind wanting to leave but I just don't think it's worth having to wonder whether or not your old man would be alright without you.

It's not your obligation to make sure his world is held together but what you have to gain from leaving doesn't seem to be worth the possiblity that something could go wrong. Your post makes it seem as if you haven't even spoken to him about moving out - your reasoning seems as if it stems from exactly what you're trying to remedy by moving out and that's a lack of experience...

I'm assuming a bit here but staying a bit longer doesn't seem that hard when you consider the 21 years he gave to you.

(and if you're going to move then be sure to move into a more stable enviornment where there is a contract and a business relationship between you and your landlords)

Make some room in the boat, Manic. :lol:

Of the two situations, I'd pick Dad. Of course, I have no idea as to the particulars, this decision is solely based on what you've written here. If things, for the most part, seem to be working, why mess with it?

Moving in with friends is great and it's fun for a while, but eventually (and it's been said, but bears repeating, I think) the shine wears off and it soon becomes much more than you originally bargained for.

If you want to get out on your own, then get out--on your own. Don't move from one dysfunctional roommate situation to another.

I move most defently move out. You can’t stay at your pop’s place cause you think he might be lonely, if nothing changes would you still feel that way at 30?
What is so wrong with that? You are 21, that is what you are supposed to do.

Personally, I would move in with a buddy that already has a family. If I were in your shoes I would get a place, but my OWN place. Why did we not hear about that option?

I didn't bring up the option of getting my own place, because anywhere around here you got to have at least a 1 year lease and $650+ a month. I'm trying to save up for school so I can get out of this job, not be strapped to it because I can't afford to leave it.

For me, that seals it - chose the cheaper option. Save your money and get out of work.

If I were still single, I would never move into the situation you've described for a number of reasons - 1) there is a baby, and babies are loud when they're awake and need quiet when they're not, 2) basement living isn't all it's cracked up to be, 3) at this point the basement doesn't seem to have a basement apartment or even be finished, 4) what has changed since you originally said no?