How Do You Learn To Forgive ...
 

Hi All

Ok, I'm kind of really upset at the moment and not sure where to start. I joined TFP, because I thought it would be a great place to ask advice, give advice and be open with things I can't really discuss with other people and so far you've all been a fantastic help.

I posted a response to a thread on why we want what we can't have. I replied with nothing strange, just purely how I felt about someone. Now another person I was involved with prior to any of this happening, has logged in and read all my threads and has basically written me an email abusing me for feeling this way. He has looked up this person and now knows everything about them (he's a cop). I feel so on edge because I feel like I'm being constantly watched. He's even told me that he contemplated hurting himself. How is this suppose to make me feel?

Am I a bad person for having these feelings? A part of me feels like I should justify my feelings and another part of me says fuck him, that was how I felt at that time. Feelings change right? I know it's all here for everyone to read, I wouldn't have posted it I didn't expect people to read it, but they're my feelings right, I don't think I deserve to have them thrown back in my face.

And right now I'm really worked up, because I don't know how to even attempt to try and forgive this person for what they've done. Any suggestions everyone? I dwell on this sort of stuff alot.

You don't need to forgive, because that person has done nothing wrong. It was your choice to post these comments in a place where anyone 18+ can see them.

However, these are also YOUR feelings. While it's nice to be considerate and say that you like everyone, that isn't going to happen realistically. I have no idea what you posted in that thread, but don't EVER let ANYONE try to guilt you into thinking that what they do to themselves is your fault. He wants to hurt himself? Well, that's HIM hurting HIMSELF. There are better ways to get over stress, and as a cop, he should have access to different ways.

As to a general "how do you forgive" kind of question. It really depends on what you think forgiveness is. Some people think that to forgive is to excuse some form of mishap or offence. I usually won't excuse anything done to me if I feel i've been wronged. However, that doesn't mean I won't interact with anyone who has ever ticked me off. To me, forgiveness is to be able to interact with someone who has wronged you, without letting past occurances cloud your mind.

You don't LEARN to forgive. You simply forgive, or not. It's a choice you make, not a process you go through, and it happens in an instant, if you choose to have it happen.

It's not better to forgive than not to forgive. It's just different.

When you forgive somebody, it's as much for your benefit as for theirs. Actually, more.

If you dwell on what they did to you and your rage about it, then the hurt can never heal. It's as if they're still hurting you; and it'll go on and on. If you let go, then you can let go of the hurt, too, and move on. That's a lot easier said than done -- but it's true.

Forgiving somebody, of course, doesn't mean trusting them or their judgment or wanting to continue to associate with them. You may agree to let bygones be bygones -- but that doesn't mean you're not supposed to learn from the past. If somebody owes you money and reneges, you can forgive them -- but that doesn't mean you're ever going to loan them money again!

So true...

Grow some nads, because that's what it takes. You just do it. Nothing more, nothing less. And you do it for you, expecting nothing in return and with no conditions.

Realistically it doesn't sound like you need to do any forgiving if things have happened as you describe them; what this "other" person is doing is very near the edge of legality -- stalking and harassment come to mind. If the comments persist after this reminder, you might remind that person of this fact.

On forgiving, however, I have two tidbits:

Forgiving does NOT mean condoning. Forgiving someone for a transgression against you does NOT mean you have to say that what they did was "OKAY."

Forgiveness is simply deciding that whatever they did to you is no longer worth thinking about. You don't even have to tell them that you've forgiven them -- it's all about putting control back in YOUR field and not theirs.

FORGIVING DOES NOT MEAN CONDONING.

And despite being atheist/agnostic, the Lord's Prayer has always had a message that I approve of:

I think it's a very good idea for everyone to stop once a day and remind themselves to forgive those who trespass against them, as well as ask forgiveness from those who we've hurt.

So, your ex-boyfriend is a cop and a stalker? I don't know how I'd handle the situation either, but that doesn't sound like a safe combination. I might start with a call to one of those anonymous abused woman hotlines; even if he hasn't reached the point of abuse yet, I'm sure that they can give you some advice.

I'd say explore that feeling...

Look, they're your feelings. Good or bad. You had them, you expressed them and fuck this guy for making you feel bad about it. Especially, with that 'you've driven me to hurt myself' drama-queen crap.

If you need to forgive this guy, just make sure you do it for yourself and not because he's guilted you into it with his antics.

And RedLemon has a point....cop and stalker...abusive e-mails...? You really should call someone. They may not be able to do anything, but I'm sure they can point you in the right direction.

Where I am, if a cop is looking up information on a police database for non-work related use, they are fired. Along with great power comes great responsibility. He isn't allowed to do that. And when confronted, he better have a fucking good excuse.


Forgiveness. What are you trying to forgive? I am having trouble untying your thread (hahaha, see what I did there?) and need a little direction.

I don't see the connection of the Title and the First Post. Please endulge me.

Thanks everyone! We've both calmed down now and are talking ....... although a little strained.

BigBen - I feel I needed to forgive him because I still like him and can kind of understand why he was so mad. It was more the method of his ways that I don't agree with. I don't want to not talk to him, because I feel bad for hurting him in the sense that he has feelings for me.

It really did freak me out thinking he'd looked my friend up, but he's said I apparently told him his name and discovered where he lived by seeing him whilst patrolling ..... not too sure on this bit.

But this situation aside, I've always been one to hold a grudge. I'm getting better, but sometimes it eats away at me so much and makes me feel SO angry towards the other person. How do you learn to let things just slide, ignore them and basically just get over it? Am I off on a tangent here?