Feel like I was punched in the gut
 

Side note to start: One of the things I am trying to work on in myself is sharing with friends when I am down (which I tend to never do), so I am kinda forcing myself to post this. It's not a cry for attention or affirmation. Welcome to my therapy!
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I just found out this morning that someone I don't know very well, but had hoped to get to know better and become friends with (wife of a co-worker), thinks I aggressivly dislike her. I was absolutely shocked to hear this. It all happened at a party at her house. I had looked forward greatly to this party (in fact it was the pajama party I posted pictures of the red lace "pj's" I made especially for the event). Had a great time, nothing was odd to me.

But apparently the wife feels that I basically non-verbally told her to "F*ck Off". I couldn't be more surprised and dismayed. She's not a bitch or anything at ALL, she's a really nice lady, very easy going (so I thought, and have been told by others, heh). I cannot fathom how I could have made anyone feel like this, without even trying, without even feeling remotely negative towards her! Her hubby assures me that it's not a jealousy thing, which is good, because once that demon starts, it's pretty much game over no matter what the truth is. Anyways. I sent her the following email:
"Hello (wife)~

Hey, (hubby) just spoke to me, and told me about the impressions you got from me at your party, and how your feelings were hurt.

I was so surprised to hear this, I completely had no idea! I never, EVER intended to give you the impression that I disliked you, that I felt any disrespect for you, nothing like that at all. I’m so, SO sorry that you got that impression from me, and I’m horrified that I could have acted in a way to make you think that, without even trying. Honestly, I think you’re lovely, a very smart and interesting person, and had hoped (and still do, actually) that we could get to know each other better.

I’d like to talk with you in person about this, if you are willing (at your convenience). I want to do whatever I can to change this impression you got from me, and show you that I’m really not that way. The only thing I can think of that contributed to this is that the hubby and I got into rather a lengthy…discussion on the way to the party, and perhaps I’m not as good as I thought I was at putting that negativity aside. But I don’t want you to think I am making excuses or anything. I am certainly willing to accept responsibility for whatever happened. I don’t think you are a difficult person to get along with, so I have to accept that something was going on. I just hope you are willing to entertain the idea that it was *completely* unintentional, and maybe give me the opportunity to make it up.

Thank you for your time, and for allowing (hubby) the opportunity to tell me what was going on.

Me
Ext. 5555
Cell 555-5555 (cell isn’t on during work hours)"

I knew she read the email hours ago, and hasn't responded (yet).

So I'm basically sitting here, feeling horrible, with a literal lump in my throat. I'm actually rather hoping she doesn't call me, 'cause I'm afraid I'll cry, which is, if you knew me, rather very uncharacteristic.

I don't really know what posting about it here will help, except that if anyone thinks they might have any insite or input, I'd appreciate it.

We 'lost' a good friend about 3 years ago. We'd been friends for probably 8 years before that. I still don't know what we said to mortally offend her, and she wouldn't tell us. The other couple at the dinner party couldn't figure it out either. She and her husband have blocked all contact with us since then.

Sometimes, people just suck. I hope you have better luck.

If you're worrying about the content of your email and how she'll interpret it, you can safely cross that one off your list. Though she'll likely need more convincing and help to asuage her first impressions, you've made a positive overture and she can't argue with that.

Don't read too much into her first response when it comes either. This sort of thing is best solved face to face, and all will become clear once you two meet to "break bread".

Know that right now you're at the worst point, and it will only get better once you can meet and stop trying to second guess each other's behaviour.

I hope you'll share how this turns out. :)

I'm curious, how'd you come to find out her feelings towards you?

I think you've done all you can to make amends, but it doesn't sound like amends are necessary.

Sometimes, people read too much into body language or behavior, especially when you don't know a person well and make assumptions (and we all know what happens when we assume :D

Don't fret your pretty head about it...

oh that sucks eggs!! I know if I'd been the recipent of that email I'd have called you immediately!!! I hope it all works out for you :icare:

The problem is (and I've been there before) that once she thinks you are hateful, anything you say is simply further proof that you are trying to manipulate her for your evil schemes.

Leave her be, and see if someone this woman likes can speak up for you.

Otherwise, what have you lost? A woman you didn't know a few weeks ago doesn't want to know you.

Mal, the way I found out is that her hubby finally told me about it. I could tell he wasn't talking to me nearly as much as he used to, but I figured, hey, people come and they go. I didn't even fret about it, because I had no inkling that there was any possibility that anything was wrong.

Daniel_, apparently she is so incensed at me about the whole thing that she doesn't even want her hubby to have anything to do with me, so that's why he hadn't spoken to me. I can see he feels badly, I don't think he felt anything of the kind at the party...but of course, she's his wife and he should honor her feelings/requests.

This wasn't even the first time we'd gotten together. They came with some friends (their best friends are another couple with whom I used to work with the wife, and we were also decent friends, several jobs ago) to see one of my shows, and us three gals had emailed each other a few times about what we were gonna wear to the party, etc. I want to ask the hubby if the other gal had been told of this whole thing, I can't imagine that she hadn't, as they're all really close friends. I would have thought the other gal would have stood up for me...*shrug*. :(

Shani and Redlemon, thank you very much.

Sultana, I am finding something amiss as well. If you put out bad vibes when stressed about a work situation, you would have learned about it long before now in other circumstances.

Your coworker's wife may sincerely believe that she is not jealous, but I think she feels threatened by something. You are beautiful, vivacious, and spend time with her husband. There may be ghosts from the past that are driving her reaction, and you would not have had control over her response.

If you get no response from her, I suggest that you let it drop and maintain a pleasant working relationship with her husband. Perhaps he will feel more comfortable if you drop it. Just a couple cents worth.

I did actually get a response from her, we are meeting tomorrow after work. Wish me luck!

I'm going to another company soon anyways, and will not have the opportunity to work with the husband at all in the future. So there's that.

Elphaba, you are a genius!
...best be careful...you might be evil as well!

I still agree though. If some one doesn't know you well, then there is no way they can respond to you...they are responding to their experiences/beliefs, so don't take it personally.

You've done everything you can. The ball is in their court for your meetup tomorrow. Don't be all stressed about it - you can't control people's opinion of you. If they don't realize how awesome you are, that is their problem and their loss.

Lots of luck, Sultana! :icare:

So, might as well just sleep with him, right? :lol:

"The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours."

Remember, regardless of wanting to make her your friend, that some people will not like you. That's okay. It really is! :)

You can always make your best effort to be understood and make your best effort to have people like you, but if it doesn't work -- give up! It's one of things not under our control.

We can expect respect from everyone, but we have to be able to (a) recognize when it's not forthcoming and (b) avoid those who do not respect us.

If the talk turns out to be less than desirable, it's NOT YOUR FAULT. She made the decision to be angry, for whatever reason. :)

And oddly enough, writing this helped me solidify my opinion on an issue of my own..

Sultana, I hope everything turns out okay, but if it doesn't don't let her hate make you feel bad. There was a guy in my high school circle of friends who for some reason I still don't understand hated me. I think he still hates me, he certainly said a lot of nasty things to me the last time I ran into him. For years I tried to get on his good side and figure out why he hated me but that took so much energy and went nowhere. So I've decided he's an asshole and that's that.

See, that's still to be determined though. I have to talk to her and see if it actually *was* my fault, or if it's simply *her* take on things, or a combination of the two (which is usually the case). If I knew that she was a difficult person, I would likely try once to make it better, and then write it off if there was no progress. But she's not a difficult person (so far as I know at this point). She's a nice, good person, so it behooves me to question myself and see if in fact, I *did* do something "wrong", or something(s) that were mis-interpreted.

Regardless, I will do everything I can to rectify the situation. "Everything I can" translates to "while still being true to myself", though. I can certainly apologize if need be, and eat humble pie--but I won't take sh*t, ya know what I mean? I don't cotton to people trying to dominate me into the behavior *they* want from me.

But if I thought this was the case, I wouldn't have gone this route with trying to correct things.

Thanks for your guys' encouragement. It means a LOT to me.

Good Luck Sultana. I hope things work out.

I admire you for putting the extra effort into being friendly to someone who does not have any direct effect on your life. Some people would say - I may never see her again, what's the point. But stepping outside your comfort zone to approach her, despite the tension between you, in order to be kind and friendly, that is a sign of someone truely caring and personable. I hope she sees your gesture the same way.

Wow Sultana - aren't you just the sweetest! I don't know anyone who would go to this much effort to smooth the waters. But I agree with Elphaba. I think there could be a little jealous streak rearing it's head here, but I think the fact you've approached her and asked to meet up to explain will put her mind at ease. Anyone who was after another's SO would not have done this. Good on you girl! x

Well, I did speak with the lady. She was nice (at least, not mean), and honest.

I don't know that things were actually *resolved*...she kept telling me that she thought I acted rudely, and I kept apologizing all over the place. She even said two people came up to her and asked her why I was acting so horribly to her...*sigh*. So I made amends as best I possibly could.

I also thanked her for the opportunity to address this with her. She said it wasn't an easy decision to make, and that she went back and forth on it, because she knew she would probably not see me, didn't work with me, etc. That rather shocked me...obviously I don't have the same line of thinking. If I become aware that I have hurt anyone's feelings unintentionally, I will follow a concrete beeline to making it right, regardless of *what" that person is to *me*.

Anyways, so we're talking and whatnot, and suddenly she says, out of the blue, "So. I didn't realize you and (hubby) were so close." I was very calm and collected, and on the inside I was thinking..."FUCKCRAPSHITFUCK!" Red Alert, Red Alert!

So yeah, I think Elphaba and savvypup had it right. I don't think that was the whole thing, but it surely must have added to the situation. She said a few other things that confirmed this.

Anyways, when all was said and done, I told her that I wanted to end the convo on an "action" note, and asked if she and hubby and friends would be interested in going to dinner some time. She said she'd have to think about it a while--which shows another way we are different. If places had been reversed, I would certainly had gone out of my way to accept an invite, to let the other person know they were well and truely forgiven. But I suppose that if I'm not, then that's a step best not taken at that point.

So there it is. Thanks again for your very kind words and support. It's meant the world to me.

and this is where Jinn speaks well. It's not yours to control. She will think what she wants to think, and that's okay.

Let it go now.

You've gotten the answer you were looking for, anything further will be selfseeking and willful action.

Done. :)




I wanted to just say "done" for stark, effective communication, but it was too short. LOL!
:icare:

Sultana, don't worry too much about this woman, from what I have read here, she doesn't sound like someone worth knowing. That may be harsh but I have had a friend like her, who is no longer one, though I see her on occasion through mutual friends and we are polite to each other, and it all boils down to her insecurities and paranoia. This so-called friend of mine once got angry at me because of my disagreement with another friend and I tried my best to sort the situation out and ended up apologizing to the friend I'd had a disagreement with, but even this was not enough and my so-called friend didn't speak to me for 3 months. Not normal. Anyway, rambling but I know what you're feeling and my ex-friend went on to do similar things to other friends of mine who decided they could be bothered with her whims and tantrums.

To tell you the truth, some people are just not worth holding on to, just as little tipper said.
But it was really sweet of you to confront her with it and you did all you can on your part.
Sadly, i have a freind who was once very close. But ever since I've had some hard times, she stopped calling me since I once opened my complaints to her. It's like she didn't want to know my problems anymore, as when I needed her most, she wasn't there for me.
I called her a few times but I always felt that she just isn't the same anymore...she always tries to cut the conversation short. Well, now I stop trying and just do not call her anymore.
If she remembers that i'm her freind, well she should call me..I give up.