healer

I've always thought of myself as a friendly person who didn't make friends easily. I don't have any 'stand-out' qualities that make people take notice and seek me out to befriend me.

I've been living away from home - about 70 kms away in my own place - for the past 3-4 months. I go home almost every weekend so that I can go see mandy. The rest of the time I'm up here either at work or in my flat. Pretty boring.

I've made plenty of aquaintances in my stay here (no TFPer's nearby, unfortunately ) and am by no means a hermit/introvert type. My boredom just got me to thinking...when last did I make a real friend? By real friend I mean someone who you can share absolutely everything with, who'll come over just to talk shit or tell you that they're not returning the CD you left at their house. Basically, a buddy.

Now I know friendships of that nature don't just develop overnight; it all takes time. What gets me is that the last time I made a friend like that was almost 3 years ago when I was in college.

What happened? Am I supposed to be looking? Is it because I'm older? Is it because I've moved to a place where the average age is > 45 ? Do we just reach a point in our lives where we stop needing friends, so we stop making them?

Thoughts, comments and ideas are most welcome.

-healer

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Toaster126

I think we make friends easier in our high school \ college days, due to the inate commonalities we all have when we are that age. After that, you have less exposure to groups of new people from which to make friendships from. I think that's why many people in the next age category have their new friends end up being people they met through work.

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raeanna74

It's hard to make new friends when you're in a new place. I think it's taken me about a year to turn anyone who lives nearby from a familiar face into a friend. I've had friends almost everywhere I've lived. Every time I've had to conciously go looking to make a friend. I usually get to the point where you are and say "HEY! I have no friends and I need SOMEBODY." It's then that instead of saying "Hi" and walking by I start saying "Hi, my name is Heather, I noticed you lived next door, how long have you lived here?" And purposefully start a conversation. The next time I see them the greeting is more than a Hi and the friendship builds. There are some people that I start to get to know and then realize it's pointless, or that we don't click. That's ok. At least they know your name and since you're neighbors that's always a good thing.

The last friend I made was my neighbor who lives next door. Or neighbors - we get along with everyone that we know on the street. We've met the people from all but one house at the opposite end of the block. The one friend that I am friends with as you describe it, it took a little concious effort to make the friend. We moved here 1 yr 7 mo ago and we've been that kind of friend for just over a year.

I did find it harder to get to know people before I had a kid. The kid pushes you outside your comfort zone because you want to know who lives around your kids.

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maleficent

you're supposed to actually meet your neighbors? Damn, I'm way too much of a new yorker... i lived in one place 6 years, couldn't tell you who lived across the hall, another place for 7 years, had no idea who lived below me - just heard their constant noise, i've been in this current place about 6 months, i've said hello to the people across the hall, twice, otherwise - the middle of the night fire drills we have weren't conducive to being social...

I'm not good at making friends... I don't know how... I haven't had a real friend since my friend died... and that was a friendship that started in kindergarden... I'm trying to be more open to that friendship thing - -but it's hard... and i've never really lived in any places that people are friendly...

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stevie667

I met my best mate september gone during the start of the new acedemic year. 4 months later he asked me to be his best man.

Other than that, havn't made any real friends, lots of aquintances and normal friends though.

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Ample

I have a few good friends that I only comunicate with via email/telephone. I have lived in this area for 8 years. Seven of those I was married, and really didnt have time for friends, so I didnt really bother to make any. Since my divorce I dated a girl for a while that I would have considered a good friend, other than that no new good friends. I guess its just hard when you are out of practice and start getting up there in age.

Cynthetiq

It took me some time to make friends in my new apartment building, about 1 year to really feel comfortable. Now I have some deep friendships developed with some people who I've even invited to come onto this board.

that was about 3 years ago.. now I'm trying to make new close bonds with people in my new circles... and due to the nature of them, it's happening faster, almost like being back in college.

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little_tippler

A REAL friend? Well it doesn't happen that often and I think it's not that easy. Of course it takes time. I agree that it's easier to make good friends earlier on in life. But if you don't get out that much like me then it's only normal that it's hard. But I can say the last time I made a real friend was maybe 7 months ago - it came as a surprise to me, even though we got on really well. You know that moment when you transition from just knowing stuff about each other's lives to meeting the people who matter to the other person? That's when you know you've finally come to know them for "real".

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Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

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Sultana

I am always sowing the seeds of friendship and waiting to see what develops. Some seeds are wasted, some are limited, but every once in a great while one blooms beautifully.

I find that my best friends are those I have met persuing my life's passions (belly dance and more recently, burly).

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Zeraph

Let's see *counts* subtract 2, carry the 1...that'd be one. And it's hard to say if I'm even that close with him (we are just very different in culture and personality). That's 1 friend since 6th grade (I was kinda betrayed in 7th by my long term friends, may have something to do with my history) and finishing up college now. I had some friends in high school but that was more fleeting and we lost touch when we went to seperate colleges so I don't think it was on the level you described.

I have avoidant personality disorder, so that's not surprising. Just remember there's always someone worse off than you

savvypup

Cliche isn't it, but 'Good friends are hard to find'. I honestly can't remember when I last made a GOOD friend. Probably 15 years ago - my sister in-law.

I thought I had a good friendship in the making a year and a half ago, but she judged me for something and unfortunately with this one incident ..... there was no 2nd chances. Where do you meet people if you're not into the whole nightclub scene? At work you have common ground and I do have friends at work, but conversation always comes back to work when you have that quiet time inbetween something interesting to say.

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ciao bella!

Plaid13

I have had the same friends for about 15 years. But if you really want to make lasting friends you cant really just expect to say hi to a nice stranger and hope it lasts. you need to have stuff in common. what you need is a hobby to share with someone. bike riding cars motorcycles fishing beating up clowns whatever. need a common ground to start with after you get that and you can BS about that for a long time and waste away the days you can build off of that. but the real question is just how many adults have real hobbies? Most people over the age of about 20 dont really seem to have any real hobbies that get them out of the house and meeting people. drinking dosnt count btw. Think about the sort of stuff older people do. Screw around with cars maybe but thats mostly a at home sort of thing not going to meet anyone in your own garage. go golfing? not very social at all there. Going to the bar is social but... cant really build much of a friendship off of something like that. not much to talk about there.

Basicly if you can meet a bunch of people that have the same hobbies as you then pick out the nice ones that you get along with then weed out the real lunitics and stick with the only mildy strange ones theres a good chance you will become good friends. The only real way for friends you meet at work to really last would be if you had something in common you could share other then work. Most people dont want to talk about or think about work in the little spare time they do have so that never really works out that well.

Cynthetiq

maybe the above is your experiences, but let me give a different perspective.

actually for older people golf is a sport/hobby. People meet on the courses all the time. A good amount of business deals are done on golf courses.

people who work on cars meet people all the time too, not in their own garage, but usually at some point in time they want to show off their ride, so they go to meet ups, street races, and other car centric events.

I have friends who go kayaking, scuba diving, surfing, skiing, boating, 4x4, road touring. There are lots of activities that people do and they meet other people doing the same thing.

meeting people at bars? there are lots of bars in the major metropolitans that certain groups of people hang out from industry types to hobby types. I can think of some journalist to broadway bars, BDSM to Music. I made lots of contacts in my barstool sitting days, some are friends of mine still after 10 years.

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snowy

I met my boyfriend in a bar, so there's no telling where you'll meet people who become important to you. The thing is to put yourself out there. If you never put yourself out there, never reach out to another person, you'll never make friends. Doesn't matter where or how or what--just try, and the friends will come. Like Sultana said, sometimes the reaching won't yield the results you want, but the effort is what counts.

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mixedsubstance

I am not overly social or bubbly, but I am friendly and love meeting new people. Most I know are just aquaintences or people I see at a particular place on a regular basis, of which we really don't socialize outside of. A lot of my long-time friends are so busy or have conflicting schedules from mine, which kinda sucks. It would be nice to have at least one really close friend who I speak to, if not see, every day- sharing stories, ideas, thoughts, laffing, shopping, etc.
I have a child, every other weekend I am able to get out. So this can hinder the social aspect of my life. I am warming up to the area we moved to last year, gradually meeting other parents from school, at the park, etc.

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Gilda

I've never been emotionally intimate with anyone who wasn't a family member.

I don't know how to make friends, and am scared of the social interaction required to do so.

Gilda

taboo

I agree with you Sultana. Same goes for me--I tend to make friends with people that are passionate about the same things as I am. But it's still really hard to bridge teh transition between regular friend and buddy..